DO YOU THINK TOO MUCH?

I was sitting here trying to think of something to write about and couldn’t find anything that felt fresh. So I gave up and stared out of the window, watching the leaves on the hedge shimmering in the sunlight. And as my mind cleared, I got an idea – or did it finally get me?

It reminded me that most of my best ideas seem to come from nowhere: they just drop into a space when I’m not consciously thinking. It might be in the shower, or on the way to town, or while I’m making a cup of coffee – it’s not when I’m trying to think of an answer or a good idea.

This aspect of our minds is something that many creative people have talked about: how lyrics of songs or the music ‘wrote themselves’, or just appeared fully formed – see Mozart or the Beatles. It is how imaginary worlds were created, as in ‘Game of Thrones’; how scientific principles were discovered – Einstein with relativity, Newton and apples becoming the principles of gravity. This doesn’t mean that it is a phenomenon that only happens if you have a particularly creative mind. We all have that if we allow it to work.

Our minds are naturally associative – that means they will link various things together to create something new or will see a pattern behind apparently disparate things. We have to get our conscious thinking out of the way to allow this to happen.

We can consciously use this to make our lives easier, and can come up with answers or ideas without effort.

Firstly we need to set up the question in our minds – this is the command that sets our minds the task. I find it useful to say to myself: ‘I wonder how…’ or ‘I wonder what would..’

Then we distract ourselves – we don’t try to find the answer. Ask it before you go to sleep, when you’re about to go out somewhere, or just stare out of the window! We need to leave a space for our unconscious wisdom, our associative mind, to get to work. This means that the conscious mind needs something else to think about or to be put to sleep!

Once we have an idea come to us, we can use the conscious mind effectively to make it work. It is good at working out the steps that will put the idea into action – it has its uses!

So next time you’re stuck and don’t know what to do, ask yourself the question then get out of your own way – it’s so much easier!

HOW ARE YOU TODAY?

I remember when I first went to the US, and people would say: ‘Hi, how are you?’ and I’d start to answer them and then realise that it wasn’t a question at all, just a greeting – they didn’t expect an answer.

I also remember that question being challenged years ago, when I was studying philosophy, because it was open to so many interpretations. I could say, ‘I’m 5 foot 10 inches tall’, or ‘I’m clumsy at art’ and they would be valid answers, if not what the person intended!

‘How are you?’ is still a standard opening gambit with many of us, and there’s a wisdom in that if we follow it through to its intention. If we can establish what sort of place someone is in when we first meet them, we can adapt how we interact with them, so it works better.

In Native American traditional culture, it was normal to just sit down with someone you hadn’t seen for a while, so both of you could get a sense of how the other one was, and you would only begin a conversation when you had assessed the situation. We are not good at just sensing how someone is, – nor at sitting in silence with someone! – So asking ‘How are you?’ is our version of that, when used well.

However, we have largely lost that flavour to it. We may ask the question but we often don’t really want to know the answer – we just want to get on with the business in hand. And when we answer the question, we use a lot of meaningless phrases to almost dismiss it: ‘ I’m OK’, ‘Alright, thanks’, ‘Not bad..’ ‘Fine’. Sometimes this is because we also want to just get on with whatever the interaction is about, and sometimes it is because we sense that the other person is not really interested in our answer.

And we all lose out when we do this. We miss out on an opportunity to make real human connection, and to properly assess what will make the interaction we have work better. We also miss the chance to build a relationship that has more depth to it with that person, so that it becomes easier and easier to be with them. After all, we al feel more valued and feel more positive towards those who take a genuine interest in us and our situation.

So maybe it’s time to ask the question in a different way. We could experiment with these:

  • What’s going on in your world?
  • How’s life treating you today?
  • What’s going on with you?
  • How is today going for you?

Or we could set the tone by answering the unasked question first: ‘Hi, I’ve had a productive morning, how about you?’ or ‘I’m feeling a bit rushed today, how about you?’

It doesn’t take long to pay attention to how someone is before we launch into the interaction, and it helps both of us to feel more connected, more cared for, more taken account of.

So how are you today?

WHAT’S YOUR DRUG OF CHOICE?

This week I’ve watched a fascinating tv programme called ‘The Doctor Who Gave Up Drugs’. It was about a doctor who worked with patients to find alternatives to the pharmaceutical drugs they were taking, because he believes that too many people are taking drugs on a long-term basis and that it isn’t the answer.

It made me think about how much we just mask our physical and emotional reactions, without ever getting to the cause of that reaction and doing something about it.

There is a purpose to aches and pains – to alert us to something being out of balance. It may be a temporary state: I’ve sat still for too long, or I’ve eaten something that’s upset my digestive system. And sometimes it is chronic: I’ve weakened my knees, or I’ve frequent headaches. Similarly our emotional aches and pains are symptoms of something not right and out of balance in our lives. We may be depressed or fearful or angry, either temporarily or frequently.

Pills may give us temporary relief, enough time to deal with the underlying story, when it’s a physical pain, but they are unlikely to cure us – and if we take them on a regular basis they may well do us more harm than good – virtually no drug is without side effects. And watching tv or eating comfort food, or drinking alcohol may distract us from our emotional stuff, but again, they won’t cure it.

So what can we do differently?

There is plenty of research to suggest that our lifestyle is a major factor in our lack of well-being: too much stress, busyness, fast food; not enough physical movement and activity, sleep, and time in natural surroundings. And we do get lots of messages to ‘change our lifestyle choices’ – but that sounds so hard! How do we do this when there’s so much else we have to think about and do?

The answer is one step at a time!!

  • A specialist on the tv programme said that walking was the best miracle cure he knew – so walk a little! Go round the block once or twice a week, or go to the park and walk around for 20 minutes.
  • Being in natural surroundings helps our spirits, so the park works in 2 ways – or go to a National Trust garden once a month.
  • Have a sleep-in once a week. Don’t set the alarm and let yourself catch up a bit – our bodies can heal themselves while we’re asleep.
  • Do something physical that you enjoy once a fortnight. Go swimming, do some gardening, join a yoga or dance class.
  • Once a week, make a meal from scratch, full of fresh vegetables – use lots of different colours, get the family involved in preparing it.
  • And talk with people you love, face to face. Our connections with others help to keep us healthy and it’s always good to talk..

So what’s your drug of choice? I’ll still take the occasional ibuprofen if I have a headache, but I think I’ll look after myself most of the time with the ‘drugs’ of walking, gardening and my lovely friends!

DID YOU SAY THANK YOU?

I remember as a child hearing this phrase over and over again from my mum and thinking that she was making a fuss over nothing – especially since in those days we had to actually write thank you letters for birthday and Christmas presents, even if you didn’t particularly appreciate the gift – what a pain!

And now I’m so glad that she hammered home that particular habit! It is such a simple thing to do, yet it is a powerful way to positively influence an interaction or relationship, to show appreciation rather than take something for granted, and to make a real exchange.

Of course we all say thank you when someone has gone out of their way to help us or to give us something special. We’re not ignorant and we appreciate the special effort. It’s all the ordinary everyday interactions that we can take for granted, the times when people are just doing what they do.

Mum made the dinner, the checkout operator put our groceries through the till, our colleague did their part of the job, the kids got up for school without being nagged – did you notice? We all know that when we’re the one who just gets on and does what they do, we can end up feeling unappreciated, but it doesn’t always translate into remembering to appreciate what others do. And we all know how good it feels when someone does notice those little things that are often taken for granted.

I catch the bus into the town centre, and I love the fact that most people say thank you to the driver when they get off the bus –one person can set the trend and show some appreciation for a safe journey, and someone else navigating the traffic for us. And most drivers respond with a smile – it makes their job feel more worthwhile.

So who do you need to thank a bit more? Who do you take for granted? Be a trendsetter and say thank you – it makes such a difference!

 

JUST GIVE ME SOME ATTENTION!

As I sat here thinking about writing, I had my foot gently chewed by one kitten while the other kneaded my sweater from behind. So I stopped, put my paper down, and gave them both a bit of fuss. Now they’ve gone off to play together.

One of their first learnings was how to successfully get my attention, preferably without any cursing of them involved! We are the same – sometimes we just want a bit of attention, and we all learn tricks to get it.

We start as babies: crying, cooing, smiling – they all work to some extent. Then we progress to tantrums, being clever, being extra well behaved or being naughty, and we gradually develop our own particular ways of getting that bit of attention.

You don’t think you do it any more? Think again! If you ever feel that a conversation with a friend is a bit one-sided – you listen to them, but they don’t ask about you – you want some attention. If you ever resent the fact that nobody noticed that you cleaned the house, you want some attention. If you ever feel that nobody cares, you want some attention.

We all want others to show that they care about us, to value what we do and are, to show that we matter to them, to give us some love, or at least notice us. And we’re all a bit lax about demonstrating to others that we do care for them and love them, that they matter to us and that we appreciate them.

The question isn’t whether you try to get attention; it’s whether you have useful tactics to gain the sort of attention you want.

Complaining, pouting, flouncing away, sulking, doing something with a lot of fuss and bother – these are some of the less useful tactics we adopt. They may attract attention, but it is not likely to be the sort we really want.

So what can we do to gain that attention we would like?

Well, I think the most obvious way is one people rarely use: to ask directly. ‘It would really help if you could just sit and listen to me for a little while’. Or, ‘I would like to feel that you appreciate what I do’. Most people will respond positively and sympathetically to the request: they’re not intentionally withholding attention from you, they’re just not aware that you want it.

We can also remember what makes us give attention to others and behave similarly. We tend to pay attention to someone who makes interesting conversation, if they are good company, when they’re friendly and pleasant, when they’re funny or quirky, when they’re endearing.

Finally we can do something that sounds counter-intuitive: when we want attention, we can give it instead. Ask the other person abut what’s going on in their world, appreciate what they have been doing, tell them how much they mean to you. When we give attention, we often receive it in return.

And don’t forget that the need for attention can sometimes remind us that we don’t appreciate ourselves enough. Be proud of your achievements, your positive moves, your effort, your good work. Count them all, big and small, and pat yourself on the back. Give yourself the attention you deserve – you’re worth it!

 

LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

Many years ago, I went to see Billy Connolly for the first time. I laughed so much that my sides hurt – what a treat! We rarely laugh that much. In fact, we often take life so seriously that we hardly laugh at all.

Having new kittens is reminding me of the joy of laughter. I’ve just sat and laughed at them chasing imaginary prey under the mat in the living room, and then galloping stiff-legged across the floor sideways. They don’t get self-conscious or worry about being silly – they just have fun and bring amusement to me in the process.

Laughter is a release of tension in our bodies: it frees up our energy and it helps us to regain perspective. When we laugh, everything feels better and we feel lighter.

Did you see the movie, “Patch Adams’ where Robin Williams played the doctor who used laughter to help his patients to heal? It was based on a true story, and there is plenty of research to show that laughter is genuinely health-giving. And the great thing about laughter is that it doesn’t usually cost anything to get it – you just need to remember what helps you to laugh.

So where are your sources of laughter?

  • Are there comedians who make you laugh? Watch them on utube or tv or dvd.
  • Are there movies/tv programmes that make you laugh? Have your own copy to use when you need to laugh.
  • Do the antics of animals or small children make you laugh? Seek them out.
  • Do you have friends that you always have a laugh with? See them more often.
  • Do you have memories of times when funny things happened? Re-tell those stories.

Laughter should be an everyday part of our lives, not just for high days and holidays. We may all have a different sense of humour, but we have in common the need to laugh fully and often.

Give yourself every opportunity you can to laugh – it’s good for you..

COMPLETE DISRUPTION IS A GOOD THING

My quiet peaceful life has recently been totally disrupted – I got two kittens! Well, they’re called kittens, but they sound like baby elephants galloping across the floor, and they can scatter litter tray contents, food, and objects off shelves as if they were a horde of monkeys. They take turns to run between my legs as I’m walking and climb up me when I’m getting their food ready – or on the computer. They lose their toys under chairs, and play with my knitting wool, pens and electric wires instead. They chase my feet and hands when I get into bed, and yowl piteously at the door if I shut them out of the bedroom. Oh, and they love climbing up curtains, on to the toilet seats – on fact anywhere that looks impossible.

At first I wondered why on earth I had decided to put myself through this again – morning routines disrupted, attention distracted, flowers and plants chewed, things knocked over. I should have known better – after all I have had kittens before.

Then I began to notice the gifts they bring.

  • They lie on my lap, warm and trusting
  • They greet me with loud purrs when I’ve been out
  • They make me laugh out loud with their antics
  • They tempt me to stop and play with them rather than ploughing on with whatever I’m doing

And they have prompted me to re-examine what’s really important: routines, habits, objects. Some are being adapted to include them, and some are staying, but the review is useful and needed to be prompted.

Above all, they are constant reminders of what being in the moment really means. They don’t hold grudges or sulk, they ask for food if they’re hungry, they sleep if they’re tired, they come for fussing when they want attention, they walk away when they’ve had enough. And we think we humans are evolved!!

Disruption comes in many forms: a child, a pet, a new relationship – a change of some sort in your circumstances. It took me a couple of weeks to realise that it’s a gift, and I chose to take it on! When it’s not something you’ve chosen – an illness, a break-up, a job loss – it may take longer. Nonetheless, when we look back, most of us can see that it was a good thing in some ways, that it helped us to revise our lives and really recognise what is important.

Oh! Smokey has just decided that stroking him is more important than carrying on writing – time to stop!!

 

THE SECRET TO LIVING TO A RIPE OLD AGE

Sometimes you meet someone who inspires you in the most unexpected way. My friend Jean and I go to the silver screen cinema showings on Wednesdays and always have a cup of coffee in the nearby coffee shop beforehand. A woman who also goes to those screenings has begun to stop and have a chat when she sees us sat outside in the sunshine.

She surprised us the first time she stopped – in Britain we don’t usually engage with strangers! And she just said, ‘You two look happy!’ We laughed and said there were plenty of reasons to be happy that morning: sunshine and warmth, good coffee and company, and a movie to look forward to. She agreed and added some of her own: being healthy, enjoying life, being lucky enough to be able to do something fun on a Wednesday morning.

Over the weeks, we have gradually built that conversation, and each time she reminds me that it is the simple things in life that make the most difference.

How you choose to view the world

The big picture of how you view the world sets the context. Believing that this world of ours is there to delight us, not horrify us, that it is full of lovely things designed to please and support us – this provides the framework for everything else.

It is a big golden assumption: that life on earth is intended to be a good experience.

Noticing the good things

We often pay most attention to the things that upset or offend us. Instead we can actively notice the good things: it is a bit of a grey day, but it is warm enough not to have to wear a coat; I was feeling a little bit fed up, but then a friend phoned me and we ended up laughing.

This links to the idea behind a gratitude journal: to just write down 5-10 things that you can be thankful for today.

Looking for reasons to be happy

This is about actively adding in small things that make you happy, to consciously change your mood: buying yourself a good cup of coffee; calling a friend for a chat; wearing a favourite piece of clothing or jewellery.

Appreciating the simple things in life

This links to the previous point. We don’t need to spend lots of money or have lots of stuff to be happy – the best things in life are free! If we care to look around we can easily find things that make us feel good: a nice dinner we have cooked; flowers looking and smelling beautiful; birds singing for us; a favourite perfume or cologne; the feel of a lovely fresh warm bed.

Expecting people to be friendly

As our new friend has said: ‘I’m 85 years old, and in my life, I have found that most people are friendly.’ Most people respond to how we expect them to be, and life is much more pleasant if we expect them to be friendly and helpful. This means that we make lots of connections with people, which is good for our health, because friendly contact with others automatically raises our oxytocin level – one of our natural health-giving chemicals.

Saying ‘Oh well – never mind’

All this sounds very ‘rose-tinted spectacles’, only noticing the good bits. And we all know that sometimes things feel shitty! It’s about keeping it in perspective. We often let the shitty bits take over our perspective and taint our point of view.

Instead, life will go better if we acknowledge them, then let them go: ‘ I fell over this morning and bruised myself badly. Oh well, never mind.’ ‘Someone upset me with what they said yesterday. Oh well, never mind – it’s a new day today.’

Recalling good memories

When things don’t feel so good, we always have available to us a treasure trove of stored good memories. When we recall them or recount them to someone else, they help us to re-live those good times and perk us up. Old photos will prompt them, or old treasured objects, or particular music.

So the secret is…

Above all, find reasons to be happy and make your life enjoyable. This is not la-la-land; it is how we keep the health-giving chemicals running through our bodies. Research has shown that those who make connection with others, those who appreciate nature, those who have a positive outlook, stay healthier, live longer, and enjoy their lives.

None of this is difficult to achieve. The things that make the difference are available to all of us, regardless of our circumstances. The only thing that stops us is our way of thinking about things.

So what are your 10 reasons to be happy today?

 

IT’S TIME TO BOTH/AND!

From when we are very young, we pick up the idea that life is all about choosing between alternatives, the ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ answer or decision. At school, we all learn quickly that there is a right answer to everything and that it is not acceptable to think outside the box.

Yet the majority of decisions we make in life do not have a clear-cut right answer. The person to partner with, the home we decide to take on, the job we apply for – in these sorts of major life decisions, we really don’t know if it’s the ‘right’ one or not. And we have the same dilemma at an everyday level: curry or pasta for dinner, household chores or visiting friends, do this task now or leave it till tomorrow..

If we stop and consider how we make decisions, we realise that we do a lot of binary thinking – the posh way of saying either/or! And our final decision is often driven by non-logical arguments we use with ourselves: better to be with someone than on my own; it’s what my mother would approve of; people will think I’m mean/lazy/selfish if I don’t – and so on.

Science got beyond this a long time ago, when it was discovered that, at a sub-atomic level, there was not a right answer, only possibilities: light could be both a wave and a particle, depending on the circumstance and what you were looking for.

What if we started to consider possibilities instead of alternatives?

The first thing that happens is that we begin to extend our choices. Instead of asking ourselves if we should do the household chores or visit friends, we start to ask:’ What could I do today?’ Now we can add in other things: do nothing; do some gardening while the sun is shining; go and buy that new freezer I’ve been thinking about.

By opening up our choices, we move our thinking patterns away from binary and habitual to a more creative possibility. Now we can consider the choice from a both/and point of view. For example, we may decide to do a couple of the more pressing household chores, then go to visit friends, and buy the freezer on the way!

At a life-changing level, we may decide that we can begin to experiment with that business we would love to get going, while still carrying on with our present job, or that we could reduce our hours at work gradually rather than just give the job up.

Both/and thinking extends our choices and helps us to bring more possibilities into our lives. It shifts our mind-set into a more creative place, where we can see how we could blend duty and fun, kindness and selfishness, the old and the new.

So start practising on a simple level. Don’t ask yourself: ‘Which should I do?’, ask yourself: ‘What could I do?’ Don’t ask yourself which choice is right, ask yourself: “How can I blend them together and have elements from each to make a new whole?’

If you feel you have no choice, you’re a victim. If you have to choose between two alternatives you are on the horns of a dilemma. And if you have more than two possibilities, you can create something new.

WHEN CHAOS REIGNS, WHAT DO WE DO?

Living in Britain right now is not a pleasant experience. More of our taken-for-granted’s have been turned upside down than most people realise yet, as a result of power politics, fabrications and fear-mongering. At a time like this, it is hard to see a way through that will lead to anything good.

It is tempting to despair, to feel powerless, to give in to the fear. And yes, I have had my rants about corrupt politics, false democracy, short-sightedness and provoking the worst of people’s fears and prejudices.

And now it is time to take stock. We cannot undo what is done; we can only let the dust settle and see what we can do to make a positive difference to what we now have.

This level of chaos can happen to all of us personally during our lifetimes: we lose our job, or our home; our relationship breaks up or a loved one dies; we become seriously ill. Any of these will turn our world upside down and leave us in despair. Let’s apply the wisdom of learning from our personal experience to what’s going on at a national level.

What happens when we deal with a crisis well?

Firstly we need to step back and lick our wounds. That means allowing emotions to run their course and become more manageable, whilst treating ourselves gently to help ourselves to recover from the shock.

By stepping back, we are able to see what is left that we can use or salvage. So the next step is to take those things out of the chaos and identify what we can now create with them to use as our starting point. It will not be the same as before, but the chaos does tend to reveal some things we had forgotten about or taken for granted that can help us to deal with the situation. For example, friends rally round and offer support, and we re-discover our own passion and determination that had got buried in routine and habitual behaviour.

Now we have a foundation on which to create a revised version of our life that works better for us. Through the chaos, we discover what is really important to us, and what is just window-dressing. We realise which of our personal characteristics are most helpful to us, and which are just conditioned responses. And we recognise the genuine support we have from others and can let go of the ‘fair weather’ friends who are only there when everything is going well for us.

For most of us, when we look back at times of chaos in our lives, we can see that the chaos led to a better version of who we are and how our life is.

For now, chaos reigns in Britain. Let’s all play our part by letting the dust settle, allowing ourselves to recover, and then using our personal ability to create something better. Our government has been questionable, our financial institutions have been shaky, our social values have been corroded for a while. Maybe now we can help to ensure that we don’t have the same story in a slightly different form, but insist on upholding the things that really matter, and create a new and improved version of this world of ours.