Category Archives: Ways of Remembering

Di’s Blog Post Articles

WHAT HAVE WE LOST?

I’ve just been staying in France, and noticed, amongst other things, how it is normal there to have a local market on a regular basis, where people go to buy their fruit, veg, cheese, meat etc.

In England ‘locally sourced’ is the boast of a few restaurants and cafes, who can thereby hoist their prices, and farmers markets are very much a middle class domain where they exist. Most of us don’t have easy access to local produce – and most places don’t have much local produce any more anyway!

Does it matter? I think so! We have lost so much in our gradual move to convenience and choice, and the takeover of small producers by the biggies..

In the French market, the fruit and veg have come from local farms. It’s as fresh as it can be, and tastes delicious. Local farms provide cheese, meat – again, fresh and tasty, following years of traditional production. If there are condiments – oils, flavours – they are from nearby. The wine is the wine of the region. You are literally getting a regional flavour of France.

What’s more, you are buying from the grower, the producer. They know their products and are proud of them. I find they are delighted to tell you about them: how to use them keep them etc. It’s a direct line from grower or producer to consumer that feels healthy and guarantees a quality that is lost when it all becomes anonymous, packaged, preserved.

Now I know that once upon a time this would have been normal in England too. If you watched ‘Poldark’ on TV, they bought from local markets, or produced their own, and when I was a child, it was still certainly more possible to buy local.

Why did we let it disappear while France kept the tradition? Maybe it is as the French would say: we don’t care enough about what we eat and drink to care when local produce gets lost in the conglomerates who produce for profit rather than taste. We may have more choice – strawberries all year round! – and it may be quicker to buy everything in one place, but we have lost the soul of the food we eat, and with it some of our own soul.

I am not someone who normally delights in food, but in France, I feel as if I’m being fed properly, and enjoy every mouthful. There’s an added extra in the tomato, that cheese, that bread, that wine, which feeds my soul as well as my body – thank you France!!

WHAT WE CAN ACCEPT

Recently, I’ve become acutely aware of how we all get sucked into accepting or ignoring things which go against our personal values, because of the selfish gains we have from doing so. We have some very astute organisations out there that create for themselves a place in our lives and become almost indispensable. And then they stretch the boundaries of decency to suit their own ends – usually good profit margins – and we go along with it because they do make our lives easier.

This can range from banks – ‘too big to fail’ – that helped cause the financial crisis ten years ago and still behave in similar ways, to companies that exploit their workers to offer us cheap products and services and avoid paying fair tax, and even to the organisations we work for – we have a job so accept the bullying, over-stretching, the drive for profit at all costs.

I don’t say this from a place of moral high ground. I still use Amazon, Sky, and no doubt other organisations whose behaviour I would object to if I found out more about it. I’m just raising the question, because it bothers me.

After long conversations around it, I have decided to delete my Facebook account, as has my son, and our company page as well. The description, in the TV programme Dispatches, of their acceptance of groups with extreme views, and those who post extreme cruelty and violence, because such things are supported by a lot of people who stay on for long enough to make the advertisers add to the company profit – that was a step too far for me. But it is relatively easy for me to do – they don’t have me pulled in as far as they have with many. I don’t have much of a presence there anyway. I don’t use it to advertise my wares, or to keep in touch with people.

So I’m left asking myself to what extent I am willing to do without the convenience of using organisations whose values I regard as unethical, in order to maintain my own values. At the least, I hope I can be conscious enough of the issue to avoid any more of them sneaking into my life and becoming too useful to let go of.

I want to play my part in helping to make this world we live in a better place and I’ll keep having a go. It’s all we can do I guess – take the steps we can to challenge the norm of accepting compromise on our values for the sake of convenience.

ASKING FOR HELP

Why do we find it so hard to ask for help? I’ve pondered this question many a time, and not really come up with anything useful. Over the last few months, I’ve come up with a theory that might help, so here goes!

Once upon a time, (not that long ago in our history) we lived in communities where we all helped each other – that’s how we survived. We bartered our skills or strengths for those of other people, and between us we could do more, have a better chance of thriving. Although a generalisation, there is no doubt that cooperation, sharing of abilities, helping each other out, were vital to the development of human culture.

This allowed us to go beyond survival mode, to begin to differentiate between skills, and give some more value than others. This weakened the bargaining power of some and strengthened the bargaining power of others. For example, once everyone knew how to preserve and cook their food, it was no longer a valuable skill. On the other hand, someone who was great at developing useful tools would have a special talent to barter.

So those who had the valued skills didn’t have to ask for help – it was given to them in return for their skills. Only those who were seen as weaker would have to ask for help, and risk being refused or taken advantage of. And although we no longer live in those communities, we have absorbed into our culture the idea that asking for help is a sign of weakness, and leaves us vulnerable. If only we’d absorbed more thoroughly the other part of community living – that cooperation and helping each other out enables us all to thrive!!

So how do we counteract this underlying sense that asking for help shows weakness and makes us vulnerable? The most important thing is to collect evidence that the effect of asking for help is different from that.

If you think of when others have asked you for help, you will notice that, in most instances, it is a pleasure to do so. It feels good to be able to give someone a hand, whether that be just because it’s easier if two of you do it – carrying something heavy – or because it’s something you are good at, and they’re using your skill – checking spelling and grammar in an important document.

And if you think of times when you have asked for help, haven’t people responded positively most of the time?

When we do have negative reactions, either in ourselves or from others, it tends to be for one of two reasons: it feels like a power play, or it feels like someone is taking advantage.

The power play is someone refusing to help or putting major conditions on their help. This does make you feel weak and put down. Taking advantage is when someone is always asking for your help, without ever offering something in return – we feel used.

Now those of us who find it hard to ask for help are never going to come in the latter category! The last thing we’re going to do is to expect constant help in an unbalanced way. We may occasionally come across someone who tries the power play game, in which case we need to ask someone else!

Most of us will be good at offering help, being generous with our time and talents. Let’s not be superman or superwoman though. Then we’re the ones making others feel weak! Asking others for help shows that we also sometimes can’t do it all on our own, it makes us human. And it makes those around us feel valued for what they have to offer. It is that essential trait of human beings, their ability to cooperate and help each other out.

So start collecting your evidence that asking for help generally has a good effect on all concerned. And don’t struggle on, being independent – we all do so much better when we ‘re being interdependent, when we work together.

THE RICHNESS OF LIVE EXPERIENCE

Last night, my friend and I went to see James Taylor in concert. It was wonderful and just reminded me of the vast difference between a virtual experience, through a screen, or listening on a player, and actually being there for the live experience.

Visually, it was captivating, musically it was perfect and delighting, yet it was so much more than that. The atmosphere was all-enveloping and warm, and the feelings evoked in us were obviously shared and therefore amplified by those around us. And James Taylor exuded love and joy and warmth which helped create that closeness with the band and the audience that grew with every moment – a wonderful feedback loop.

It was filling my memory bank with delight, and at the same time, calling to the front similar memories, linked to James Taylor, his music, other great concerts, and just joyous moments.

I came out completely filled up and replete, body and soul, with another amazing experience shared with my friend in both our stores of good times. And I was reminded of why I go to a concert rather than watching it on TV, or listening to the cd. It gives me so much more.

And on an everyday level, I also realised why I so much prefer spending time with someone face-to-face, rather than talking on the phone or emailing, messaging, texting. It involves so much more exchange of all sorts of information, and opportunity to influence the feedback loop between us.

I like my life to be rich. I can treat myself to the odd concert, but I can also enjoy the richness of live experience with people, with places, with life. How lovely is that!

Do exploit every possible moment of live experience – it’s so much more wholesome, in every sense of the word, than anything else we’re given.

WHAT ARE YOU TELLING YOU ABOUT YOURSELF?

We all know that we talk to ourselves, often in a not very nice way! And that is a form of telling ourselves about ourselves that I have talked about before: remember that your inner voice would be far more useful if it were like your best friend, rather than the worst critic you can imagine!

And there are two less obvious ways in which we tell our story to ourselves:

  • Through our everyday choices
  • Through our personal external metaphors

Let’s start with our everyday choices. There was a famous advert that had the line: ‘Because you’re worth it!’ What do you tell yourself you’re worth, by the choices you make? This can be anything, from which of two possible dinners to have, to whether you go along with someone else’s plan even though it’s not really what you want to do. Do you deserve a bit of a rest, or do you push yourself on because you haven’t ‘earned’ it yet?

All day every day, you make choices that reflect how you value yourself, how you see yourself. Just notice how you confirm a story about who you are to yourself.

And the second way we constantly tell ourselves who we are, what we’re like, is through the things we have around us. These are our everyday metaphors for who we are.

Am I someone who conforms to fashion, or stands out from the crowd? Look at my clothes, my home décor. Am I someone who is bright and cheerful most of the time? Look at my colours, my photos. Am I someone who will take a risk? Look at my possessions that others may judge me by – what do I allow others to see about me?

What we have around us, what we wear, what we possess, all tell us unconsciously who we are, what we’re like. And this area of telling ourselves about ourselves is the easiest one to effect change in. We can decide to reflect a different facet of ourselves back to ourselves, just by changing some of our everyday metaphors.

For example, you could buy a brightly coloured throw or cushion to brighten yourself up; you could wear your favourite clothes more often, rather than the sensible or in fashion ones you have; you could put those ‘silly’ treasures you have from holidays or made by your children in the living room instead of hiding them away in your bedroom.

What would you like to tell yourself about yourself? And how can you symbolise it in the things you have around you? And if you don’t know, just look at some of the things in your living room and ask yourself: ‘ What does this tell me about me?’ If you like its message, put it in a more prominent place. If you would like to enhance its message, what might replace it, to give you a better reflection?

We all need to work on our inner critics, and the everyday choices we make; these are generally pretty engrained. And we can begin the process of telling ourselves a better story about ourselves by simply changing some of our external metaphors or symbols for who we are. It’s simple and it’s powerful.

So go and find one to improve right now – and I’m going to put on that sundress that I told myself was too youthful for me. Sod it! I love that dress!

 

USEFUL DISTRACTIONS

I used to think that distractions were a bad thing. If you were distracted, you weren’t paying attention to what was immediately in front of you. And that is true – that’s exactly what a distraction is: something that pulls you away from whatever you were attending to.

And sometimes that can be really useful:

  • If we’re caught up in feeling a bit under the weather in some way
  • If we’re feeling fed up
  • If we’re feeling agitated
  • If we’re feeling irritated
  • If we’ve got stuck with something and can’t see how to sort it out
  • If we’re feeling overwhelmed by what we have to do
  • If we’re berating ourselves for something we’ve done or not done

In all these situations, it’s easy to get caught up into a negative spiral. We all know that an insect bite can become all-consuming, that someone’s irritating behaviour can remind us of everything they’ve ever done to annoy us, and we can convince ourselves that we’re really stupid because of one wrong move.

When we pay attention to something, it takes centre stage and starts collecting more evidence that it should be there. It’s like a magnet for more of the same sort of thought or reaction. Now that’s great if it’s something positive, but when it is something that is not useful to us, we need to be able to distract ourselves – pull ourselves away from its magnetic charm.

Being distracted allows us to regain some perspective, sort ourselves out a bit, and then approach whatever it is differently.

If we’ve already thought of some useful distractions, we are more likely to use them before we get too caught up in the negative spiral.

They need to have a strong ‘pull’ to break us out of the trap, so just switching on the TV or radio probably won’t work. We want things that take over our attention and occupy our minds.

Some examples might be: listening to some music we love, linked to happy memories; or watching an enthralling movie; or going in the garden for an hour; or going on a bike ride. If you have a particular hobby or interest, a bit of time spent on that helps, and so will a short walk, where you literally move away, and consciously pay attention to your external surroundings.

You will have your own set of useful distractions, so make a note of them, and next time you realise you are getting caught into one of those negative spirals, distract yourself!!

 

HAPPY MONDAY!

I was re-reading the story of Winnie-the-Pooh deciding to go and see all his friends. When Piglet said that they should have a reason for going, he said, “We’ll go to wish them a Happy Thursday.”

So often we wait till we have a reason to make contact with our friends, some news to tell them or something to ask them. And these are good reasons to make contact, so long as we are clear in our intention. I certainly phone people I’m close to to give them a ‘progress report’ or ask for theirs, or to ask a favour, or respond to their call.

And we all have that moment, from time to time, when someone comes into our mind from out of the blue, and I believe it is a prompt from the universe to say hello again to them. In my experience, these are often the most delightful conversations because they have no agenda of any kind. When we ask them how they are, and what’s going on with them, it is because our only intention is to re-join with their world and show our interest and affection – it is not the polite preamble to what we really phoned them for.

By taking notice of this fleeting remembrance of someone, we extend our repertoire of reasons for phoning to include perhaps the most important one of all – I was thinking about you with affection.

So who might you call, just to say Happy Monday?

SHARING YOUR EXPERTISE

There are some things I’m really good at, and lots of areas where I still have a lot to learn. This week, I’ve been reminded that we all have a different range of expertise and that we can use that to enhance our own awareness. Giving away your own expertise is a lovey gift to give.

This doesn’t mean using it in a one-upmanship way, where we impose it on others to impress them. It means working out what aspects of your expertise might be useful and relevant to someone, and how to offer it in a way that helps them.

I had examples of both approaches at a gardening show last weekend. One exhibitor had a plant I didn’t recognise. I asked her what it was and she said ixia. I was no wiser, and asked her how to care for it. She told me it needed full sun and good drainage, and you could almost hear her unspoken words – ‘but you have to know what you’re doing and be a specialist like me.’

At the other extreme was a man selling alstroemeria plants. I said that I already had some of a different colour and asked him if these spread in the same way. He said that his variety clumped up, and then told me how to ensure that they ‘took’ when planted out, how to make the plant strong, even how to pick the flowers so the plant produced more. He shared his expertise so that I would be able to care for the plant better and have the best chance of enjoying its beauty.

We are taught that ‘ knowledge is power’. This implies that you need to hold on to it to be powerful. Yet the real power comes when you can use your knowledge to make a difference in someone else’s life as well. Give away what you know about, and paradoxically, you lose nothing – you still have all that knowledge. In fact, you gain, because someone else appreciates the gift you have given them, and that knowledge is now being used even more in the world.

‘IF I DIE TONIGHT, WAS IT A GOOD FINAL DAY?’

I know it sounds dramatic! My friend Lynn gave me this question a while ago, when I was describing a list of to do’s that was pretty tedious, and I loved it – it changed my view of the day.

It reminds us that we none of us know when our final day in this life may be, and that every day counts. It makes you stop and think about what a good day in that context is.

For me, there are several elements to that good day.

  1. I did something I love doing
  2. I appreciated and enjoyed the taken-for granted’s around me
  3. I connected with people I love

What? Every day? It can seem hard to apply it to some days, I know. Yet in fact, those three elements need not be time-consuming.

It only takes a few moments to notice the spring flowers, the taste of your food, the feel of fresh air on your skin. We don’t have to spend a lot of time with someone to connect – just a quick phone call or conversation where we really pay attention to them and show our love. And something I love doing can be half and hour in the garden, watching a good film, or juts making and enjoying a decent dinner.

We so often fill our days with stuff we feel needs to be done, and put off what really matters to us, because we’re too busy. How about making every day count, every day a good final day?

I certainly have taken it on as my ambition, and it feels like it makes life even more worth living – thank you Lynn!!

YOUR ENERGY BANK

We all have bank accounts for our finances, and most of us manage them with some care, because we know that being overdrawn is not good – in fact it costs us even more than we owe.

It is the perfect metaphor for our energy levels, because our energy is equally vital for our survival, yet most of us take very little care of our energy banks.

Our energy banks fluctuate more, but at the same time, they are easier to top up – we are not reliant on an external input once a month, and can have more control over both inputs and outgoings.

What do I mean? Well, the inputs to your energy bank are simply all those things that energise you, many of which you can actively bring into your life. And the outgoings are all those things that drain your energy, many of which you can exert some control over.

For example, you may find physical activity energising, or the company of good friends, or just having a rest. You may find certain aspects of your work draining, or certain relationships, or housework.

By the way, it is a little more complex than this: sometimes the same activity can be both draining and energising at the same time, so we need to assess whether the overall ‘balance’ is in the black or the red. And some activities may be draining one day, yet energising the next: for example, you may feel good doing some gardening one weekend, and exhausted by doing it the next weekend.

Our energy bank matters because it is what fuels us to live our lives well. When it’s well topped up, we achieve more, we are happier, and we are lovely to be around! When it’s in the red, everything becomes more difficult, and we damage our health by over stretching ourselves.

Obviously we can’t control everything that happens in our lives. There will always be the unexpected or unavoidable that lands in our laps and drains our energy bank – or tops it up!

However, we can learn to notice what’s going on with our energy bank, and deliberately choose to do something to top it up if it is running a bit low. By becoming consciously aware of it, we can ensure that we keep it as well-filled as possible.

So start by making a list of some of those things that usually give you an energy boost, and those that usually drain you – you know what they are, and you know which ones are within your control, because your physical and emotional reactions tell you. Then list those that can come into both categories, so you are aware of them.

And now find a couple of extra things you could put on the energy-giving list. They don’t have to be complicated: reading a chapter of an enjoyable book; phoning a friend; dancing to a favourite music track.

With this awareness, you can now take more care of your energy bank balance. You can plan in some energy-givers, particularly when you have to do something that drains you, and when you have time to do some extra topping up.

If you have a healthy energy bank account, the world is your oyster, life automatically gets better.