Category Archives: Ways of Remembering

Di’s Blog Post Articles

A REST FROM OUR BUSY WORLD

I have just spent three weeks in retreat. Others would call it a holiday, staying with one of my best friends. For me, it has been a delightful and useful retreat.

The word retreat means to draw back from, ad I have been able to draw back from the normal ‘noise’ of everyday life these days: no phone, no emails, no tv, no normal routines of my usual life. So my days have been about what was immediately there: sitting in the sunshine on the beach or on the porch; enjoying the conversations with my friend and others we have met with; reading something that I felt like reading. And being able to sit and do nothing, allowing my mind to go wherever it willed, including to nothingness.

This space away from it all has made me even more aware of just how much we are bombarded by demands on our attention and time, and by distractions from just being here and now. It is so lovely to draw back from all that!

And the process also gives us a different perspective on that normal everyday life we lead. With the space, we can see how we can maybe give ourselves a few more ‘mini-retreats’ in the midst of that busy life: a day without the computer or phone; an afternoon walking in the countryside; an evening reading a good book.

We almost become immune to that constant noise we live in, but it is still taking its toll from us, stopping us from just being with ourselves and the moment.

Life is too precious to miss because of the demands on us – so please give yourself a little break from your busy life and take a rest.

DO YOU WANT TO BE KIND OR RIGHT?

I remember seeing Wayne Dyer give a talk based on this question, and it really hit home for me. I love debating issues and I can get really caught up in ‘winning’ the argument, showing that I’ve thought it through, or I know more about it – and when I do that, I have no regard for how the other person feels.

I can also be self-righteous – you know, the ‘I told you so’ syndrome – a great way of rubbing salt in the wound!

Both of these ways of being are ego-based: proving yourself, being clever or right. They may be accurate, but they’re surely not kind. They’re designed to make us feel good about ourselves at the expense of the other person.

Wayne Dyer’s words gave me a jolt to the system. I now tend to just stop for a moment before I launch into that winning argument or that self-righteous comment. After all, being right is not going to endear me to others, or even make me feel good for more than a moment.

This doesn’t mean that I don’t ever tell my truth, or that I don’t express my views – far from it. It means that I attempt to express myself in ways that don’t put others down. When you take a moment, you have the space to consider:

  • Does it matter who is right on this issue?
  • Will it help me or them to grow and evolve?
  • Is it really just my point of view rather than a truth?
  • How can I express this in a way that’s useful or constructive?

Just by asking ourselves these questions we automatically reset the way we express ourselves with the other person. We are more likely to take into consideration their experience, their world-view. We are more likely to use a helpful approach rather than a bombastic one. And we are more likely to use our own knowledge or experience to help them to grow their own awareness rather than put them down.

I may know I’m right, but I don’t then have to prove it. I would rather be kind than right – it feels better – so let’s just stop for a moment next time we want to prove a point – and be kind instead!

WHAT’S YOUR INTENTION?

They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions – I don’t believe it. I think it is paved with unclear or egotistical intentions.

Most of the time, we don’t consciously consider our intention before we embark on an action or behaviour – we just act. Yet behind that action or behaviour there is always an emotional driver – a form of intention.

Think about it for a moment. You decide to give someone a call: is it because you care about them and want them to feel cared for and thought about, or is it because they haven’t called you and you want them to feel guilty about it? You do someone a favour: is it because you are glad to help out, or are you keeping a tally of what each of you ‘owes’ the other, or you want to be seen as a kind or good person?

I don’t point this out to make you feel bad about your intentions! We all sometimes have that ‘hidden agenda’ behind our actions, behaviours and words. More importantly, our intention affects both how we approach things and what results we get.

When I do things to make myself feel important or good or kind, I have an expectation of some recognition, and that affects how I do it. I will tend to make it clear that I’m putting myself out and I am very disappointed if others don’t give me the recognition I feel I deserve.

When I do things to make others feel awkward or put down, my tone in the interaction is different, and I will tend to create defensiveness or ‘attacks’ in return – it’s how we create quarrels!

None of this makes us feel good. We end up disappointed or irritated. It’s really not worth it because we don’t get the result we want, and even if we do – the other person does feel bad about what they’ve done – it only makes us feel justified for a moment. It doesn’t clear anything.

Of course, we all want to be recognised for the good things we do. The paradox is that the recognition comes more often and more genuinely when we don’t ask for it or expect it. Equally, we do need to clear the air when there is an ‘edge’ between us and someone else because otherwise it will affect our relationship. And when our intention is to clear the air so as to keep the relationship sound, the interaction plays out very differently.

I’m not suggesting that we should be perfect and only ever act from a clear and positive intention – we’re only human after all! It’s just worth stopping for a breathspace before you launch in, to ask yourself what you’re doing this for – and if it’s to make the other feel bad, or to make yourself look good, maybe you would be better to leave it for now – for your own sake. In an hour or two, or day or two, you may be able to find a positive intention for the action or behaviour, one that is to enhance things, and then you will both benefit.

MAKE A REAL RESOLUTION FOR 2017

Happy New Year!

This is when we make those New Year resolutions – again! So how about doing it differently this time. I was wondering what the etymology (original meaning) of the word resolution is, and it comes from the Latin word solvere, which means to untie or loosen, with re- which means again. So a resolution is really having another go at loosening one of the ties that bind us: habits and behaviours that aren’t useful to us.

Now if this were easy, we would have done it the first time we had a go. So let’s tackle it with the recognition that we may need to just release a few of the knots, and use a different method to the ones we’ve tried before.

If we feel that more physical activity would be good for us, because we have become rather sedentary, how about choosing something easy and pleasurable to do, so it’s achievable and is an improvement we can easily make. If we feel that our eating habits could be healthier, we could choose one type of food to drop from our normal diet, and one to add, for interest. Do you get the drift?

This is supposed to enhance our lives, not make us feel like we’re punishing ourselves for our failures! And if it’s easy to achieve, we’re more likely to stick to it.

Finally, let’s continue the process of improving our lives and loosening the ties that bind by choosing s resolution that isn’t about correcting something that isn’t ‘good enough’. Let’s have one that is just about making life feel even better: maybe experiment with that dance class you’ve always fancied but not got round to, or book that return trip to Italy that you’ve thought about so often, or just have a go at cooking that meal you’ve always meant to have a go at.

We so often make resolutions we don’t stick to. Make 2017 the year when your resolutions really do make a positive difference in your lives.

THE SOUNDTRACK OF YOUR LIFE

I was listening to the new Leonard Cohen album and weeping at its melancholic beauty – first time his music has made me feel sad, although only because I will miss hearing his latest creations and seeing him perform live. I’m not yet at the place in my life that he was when he made this album but it did make me think about how certain music is the personal soundtrack to each person’s life.

It starts in childhood with the music your parents listen to: Autumn Leaves by Nat King Cole still makes me think of a warm fireside after Sunday dinner; White Christmas by Bing Crosby is still the Christmas song that evokes the delight as a child of a stocking filled with little treats.

Then we begin to develop our own taste in music – those first few records we bought for ourselves, and played till we knew them backwards. They provide the soundtrack for our developing personality and those teenage years.

From that time on, particular songs and melodies capture the essence of moments in our lives, sometimes because they were playing at those happy or sad times, sometimes because they seemed to express emotions that we didn’t have the words for.

From time to time, my son Jo spends an evening going through the albums from my youth with me, and every ones evokes another story, another memory – that’s why I still have them.

And some artists seem to develop their stories in ways that particularly resonate for us: Bob Dylan, Leonard Cohen, Bruce Springsteen, James Taylor, have all offered me the expression of certain phases of my life at just the right moment.

So come on, what’s your soundtrack? What has captured the essence of a moment for you? What has resonated as an expression of who you are? And what would you choose as your Top Three?

This could be a fun thing to do with friends or family during your Christmas break – or any time! All good movies have great soundtracks – the movie of your life deserves one too.

Have a lovely, peaceful, music-filled Christmas!!

WHEN IS ENOUGH ENOUGH?

Whenever I go into town at the moment, I see people struggling to carry all the things they have bought, presumably for Christmas presents. What is all this stuff? It makes me remember when we went to India during the period of Diwali. There they emphasised that it was about the triumph of light over darkness, so you buy a candle, fireworks, and the presents are primarily sweets. Above all, it is about sharing happiness about the saving of the world from darkness and evil so a simple gift and some light is enough.

We seem to have lost sight of that.

Of course, wanting more isn’t just about buying stuff – although at Christmas that is the particularly obvious symptom. We also have learnt to want more in all sorts of ways: more money, more food, more status, more qualifications, more success. Yet all these things don’t bring us what we really want: more happiness, more love, more feeling of belonging.

So before you buy more food, more presents, more decorations, just take a moment and ask yourself if there is another way you can show those you love that they matter to you, another way to spread more happiness.

We can easily share preparing and eating a simple meal and all take joy from it. We can easily share an evening of laughter, music, conversation. We can easily give someone a kind word, some attention.

It costs nothing much and feeds us with what we really want – love.

ARE YOU RESPONSIVE OR REACTIVE?

All of us spend large chunks of our time interacting with others, and if not with others, we are always interacting with our environment and ourselves in some way. How we choose to play our part in these interactions has a massive effect on both us and others, and we can make it easier if we just take a breathspace to remind ourselves to respond rather than react.

A couple of examples have made me think of this recently:

  1. I tripped over my kittens playing in the hall and banged my head against the door lintel. I reacted by shouting at them for being in the way, feeling sorry for myself because it hurt, and just getting cross.
  2. Someone had emailed me to say that they had expected me to reply to their email more quickly than I did, and I reacted by mailing back to them that some of us don’t spend all our time checking for mails.

In both these examples, I made things worse for myself by reacting – blaming others, trying to make them feel bad, and leaving myself in a bad mood in the process. Was it worth it? A resounding no!

If I had just taken a breath, I would have realised sooner that I was tired and rushing, and the kittens were just doing their thing – what I really needed to do was sit down for a bit and regroup myself.

If I had taken a breath, I would have realised that the person mailing me was trying to sort things out, to my benefit as well, and probably didn’t intend to be offensive or accusing. I could have apologised and suggested that they ring me in future if it’s urgent – that’s always quicker.

These alternative approaches are responses: the word means you weigh it up or consider it first. This way, we avoid knee-jerk reactions – that immediate emotional reaction that we often have to situations.

Of course, there are times when a reaction is lovely because it is a positive reaction and we see immediately that we have genuinely pleased someone or made them feel better about something. It is those negative reactions we need to watch out for.

And I don’t suggest this because it is kinder to other people – I suggest it because it is kinder to you. We cerate unpleasantness for ourselves, as much if not more than we do for others, by not considering before we respond.

So next time you feel that anger, hurt, upset, rise up in you, just take a breathspace before you do anything – it could make your life easier.

DO YOU THINK TOO MUCH?

I was sitting here trying to think of something to write about and couldn’t find anything that felt fresh. So I gave up and stared out of the window, watching the leaves on the hedge shimmering in the sunlight. And as my mind cleared, I got an idea – or did it finally get me?

It reminded me that most of my best ideas seem to come from nowhere: they just drop into a space when I’m not consciously thinking. It might be in the shower, or on the way to town, or while I’m making a cup of coffee – it’s not when I’m trying to think of an answer or a good idea.

This aspect of our minds is something that many creative people have talked about: how lyrics of songs or the music ‘wrote themselves’, or just appeared fully formed – see Mozart or the Beatles. It is how imaginary worlds were created, as in ‘Game of Thrones’; how scientific principles were discovered – Einstein with relativity, Newton and apples becoming the principles of gravity. This doesn’t mean that it is a phenomenon that only happens if you have a particularly creative mind. We all have that if we allow it to work.

Our minds are naturally associative – that means they will link various things together to create something new or will see a pattern behind apparently disparate things. We have to get our conscious thinking out of the way to allow this to happen.

We can consciously use this to make our lives easier, and can come up with answers or ideas without effort.

Firstly we need to set up the question in our minds – this is the command that sets our minds the task. I find it useful to say to myself: ‘I wonder how…’ or ‘I wonder what would..’

Then we distract ourselves – we don’t try to find the answer. Ask it before you go to sleep, when you’re about to go out somewhere, or just stare out of the window! We need to leave a space for our unconscious wisdom, our associative mind, to get to work. This means that the conscious mind needs something else to think about or to be put to sleep!

Once we have an idea come to us, we can use the conscious mind effectively to make it work. It is good at working out the steps that will put the idea into action – it has its uses!

So next time you’re stuck and don’t know what to do, ask yourself the question then get out of your own way – it’s so much easier!

HOW ARE YOU TODAY?

I remember when I first went to the US, and people would say: ‘Hi, how are you?’ and I’d start to answer them and then realise that it wasn’t a question at all, just a greeting – they didn’t expect an answer.

I also remember that question being challenged years ago, when I was studying philosophy, because it was open to so many interpretations. I could say, ‘I’m 5 foot 10 inches tall’, or ‘I’m clumsy at art’ and they would be valid answers, if not what the person intended!

‘How are you?’ is still a standard opening gambit with many of us, and there’s a wisdom in that if we follow it through to its intention. If we can establish what sort of place someone is in when we first meet them, we can adapt how we interact with them, so it works better.

In Native American traditional culture, it was normal to just sit down with someone you hadn’t seen for a while, so both of you could get a sense of how the other one was, and you would only begin a conversation when you had assessed the situation. We are not good at just sensing how someone is, – nor at sitting in silence with someone! – So asking ‘How are you?’ is our version of that, when used well.

However, we have largely lost that flavour to it. We may ask the question but we often don’t really want to know the answer – we just want to get on with the business in hand. And when we answer the question, we use a lot of meaningless phrases to almost dismiss it: ‘ I’m OK’, ‘Alright, thanks’, ‘Not bad..’ ‘Fine’. Sometimes this is because we also want to just get on with whatever the interaction is about, and sometimes it is because we sense that the other person is not really interested in our answer.

And we all lose out when we do this. We miss out on an opportunity to make real human connection, and to properly assess what will make the interaction we have work better. We also miss the chance to build a relationship that has more depth to it with that person, so that it becomes easier and easier to be with them. After all, we al feel more valued and feel more positive towards those who take a genuine interest in us and our situation.

So maybe it’s time to ask the question in a different way. We could experiment with these:

  • What’s going on in your world?
  • How’s life treating you today?
  • What’s going on with you?
  • How is today going for you?

Or we could set the tone by answering the unasked question first: ‘Hi, I’ve had a productive morning, how about you?’ or ‘I’m feeling a bit rushed today, how about you?’

It doesn’t take long to pay attention to how someone is before we launch into the interaction, and it helps both of us to feel more connected, more cared for, more taken account of.

So how are you today?

WHAT’S YOUR DRUG OF CHOICE?

This week I’ve watched a fascinating tv programme called ‘The Doctor Who Gave Up Drugs’. It was about a doctor who worked with patients to find alternatives to the pharmaceutical drugs they were taking, because he believes that too many people are taking drugs on a long-term basis and that it isn’t the answer.

It made me think about how much we just mask our physical and emotional reactions, without ever getting to the cause of that reaction and doing something about it.

There is a purpose to aches and pains – to alert us to something being out of balance. It may be a temporary state: I’ve sat still for too long, or I’ve eaten something that’s upset my digestive system. And sometimes it is chronic: I’ve weakened my knees, or I’ve frequent headaches. Similarly our emotional aches and pains are symptoms of something not right and out of balance in our lives. We may be depressed or fearful or angry, either temporarily or frequently.

Pills may give us temporary relief, enough time to deal with the underlying story, when it’s a physical pain, but they are unlikely to cure us – and if we take them on a regular basis they may well do us more harm than good – virtually no drug is without side effects. And watching tv or eating comfort food, or drinking alcohol may distract us from our emotional stuff, but again, they won’t cure it.

So what can we do differently?

There is plenty of research to suggest that our lifestyle is a major factor in our lack of well-being: too much stress, busyness, fast food; not enough physical movement and activity, sleep, and time in natural surroundings. And we do get lots of messages to ‘change our lifestyle choices’ – but that sounds so hard! How do we do this when there’s so much else we have to think about and do?

The answer is one step at a time!!

  • A specialist on the tv programme said that walking was the best miracle cure he knew – so walk a little! Go round the block once or twice a week, or go to the park and walk around for 20 minutes.
  • Being in natural surroundings helps our spirits, so the park works in 2 ways – or go to a National Trust garden once a month.
  • Have a sleep-in once a week. Don’t set the alarm and let yourself catch up a bit – our bodies can heal themselves while we’re asleep.
  • Do something physical that you enjoy once a fortnight. Go swimming, do some gardening, join a yoga or dance class.
  • Once a week, make a meal from scratch, full of fresh vegetables – use lots of different colours, get the family involved in preparing it.
  • And talk with people you love, face to face. Our connections with others help to keep us healthy and it’s always good to talk..

So what’s your drug of choice? I’ll still take the occasional ibuprofen if I have a headache, but I think I’ll look after myself most of the time with the ‘drugs’ of walking, gardening and my lovely friends!