Tag Archives: improving life

YOUR ‘ENERGY BANK’

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We all know how personal finance banking works, even if we don’t always stick to what we know! Being in debt is not a good idea, especially since the debt gets bigger the longer we leave it, as they charge interest. It’s best to keep in credit, and preferably to have a bit extra in case we have something unexpected to pay for.

Your personal energy bank works in the same way. If you use more energy than you have stored, you pay a price for it, in health and mental fitness. It is more advisable to ensure that you have enough energy for what you have to do, and preferably a little extra there for the unexpected calls on you.

The major difference between these two types of banking is that we are not reliant on external circumstances helping us to top up our energy bank. We can be in control of how much energy we take out and put in.

We all know the things that drain our energy resources and the things that top the account up, and many of those things are within our control. This is not necessarily logical or even shared with others. For example, some people feel energised by tidying up the garden ad for others it is a draining activity driven by necessity not pleasure. And time spent with some people energises you, whilst other people you find draining. We’re not even consistent: sometimes the same activity that can energise you may be draining.

However, we all know whether we feel energised or drained by any given activity – it is simple to assess by how we feel at the end of it – so we can keep our energy bank account healthy by doing that assessment on a regular basis and re-balancing the account when it’s been drained.

If you don’t do this re-balancing on a regular basis, that energy bank becomes more and more overdrawn, and when that happens, almost everything becomes an effort. Even those things we enjoy require a little energy to get started, and if there’s nothing to draw on, we end up finding everything draining – and that’s miserable!

So let’s consciously identify some simple things that will give us some energy, and use them to re-balance. For example, I know that pilates or a bit of a walk will work for me. If they’re not possible, certain music is instant energy, or a phone call to one of my friends, and sometimes just taking ten minutes out with a cup of coffee – or a glass of wine! – works. When you know some of the things that give you a boost you can use them to top up that energy, and even plan in advance, so that the draining activities you know you have to do are followed by a top-up activity.

Your energy bank is the driving force that determines how you approach things. Keep that account healthily in credit and you will enjoy life so much more – and that’s what it’s about, isn’t it!

LOWER THAT BAR!

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Every so often I realise that I’ve started evaluating myself against a set of standards that a saint would find it hard to match – and I’m no saint! I don’t think I’m unusual in this. We all fall into the trap of expecting ourselves to be perfect – whatever that means for us – and then berating ourselves for not matching up to that ideal. It’s very unfair – we wouldn’t do that to a friend.

There’s nothing wrong with having high standards, an ideal of how we would like to live our lives, how we’d like to be. In fact, it is part of how we motivate ourselves, and clarify whether we are making progress in our lives. The ideal picture gives us something to aim for and helps us to know what we really want life to be about.

However, it is not motivating to criticise ourselves for not being there yet, and anyway, if we were, we would disappear in a flash of white light, because we would have reached perfection!

The measure of our progress is not in what we haven’t yet achieved, but in what we have put into our lives that moves us towards that ideal. What encourages us to keep going is the recognition that we are gradually making progress, rather than noticing where we’ve slipped or failed or got stuck.

That means that we tell ourselves that we’re pleased with ourselves when we do those stretching exercises, rather than berating ourselves for not doing it today. And we don’t expect ourselves to do it every day, if we are having a go at doing it more often. We start with being pleased at once a week, and when that has become habitual, maybe three times a week. It means we give ourselves credit for all the times we deal with others and their moods compassionately, instead of beating ourselves up for a moment of temper or meanness with someone.

The question is not, ‘Have I done it perfectly?’ it is, ‘Am I doing a bit better on this aspect of my life than I was?’ or ‘What have I done well today towards my ideal picture?’ And if you don’t feel like you’re getting anywhere, then maybe you need to lower your expectation of yourself for a while, to begin to make progress – you’ll move more easily then.

This approach is not only kinder; it’s also more effective. None of us respond well to being criticised or made to feel like a failure, so why the hell would we do it to ourselves? Give yourself credit for what you do well, according to your own standards, and it gets easier to bring more of it into your life.

A QUIET MIND

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I don’t think we realise most of the time just how busy our mind is. It’s like when you leave the radio or TV on in the background – you don’t notice the noise after a while, until you turn it off and you notice the quiet.

The mind runs a commentary on whatever’s going on, or whatever you’re doing, so it tells you the story of your life: ‘I’m just sitting down for 5 minutes because I’m tired. I won’t need long before I can get going again – don’t want to sink into lethargy – lots to do – although I wish I could just stop sometimes.’ Your mind also does past and/or future at the same time – like having two different channels running simultaneously! ‘ I did quite a lot today, but I didn’t finish my list of tasks. And I must remember to phone so-and-so, and what shall I have for dinner?’

It’s amazing that we don’t go a bit crazy with it constantly playing in our heads – or maybe we do!! And it isn’t usually very kind in its commentary, and sometimes it is downright mean and twisted in its reasoning.

So once in a while, it’s great to be able to switch it off and have a rest, but this is not as easy as switching off the radio and TV. I remember learning a meditation where you count the breath up to ten, and them start again from one. I told the teacher I just couldn’t do it: I’d get to about three and then be distracted by my thoughts. He laughed and said that was normal – you just start over when you realise you’ve lost it again. I still find that I rarely get to five, years and years later!

And once in a while, I realise that the noise in my mind has shut up, apparently on its own – so what has that effect on it? For me, something moving gently with a natural rhythm seems to work. It may be a sound or, more often, something I’m looking at. Examples would be: the sound and sight of waves breaking on the shore; leaves on a tree moving gently in the breeze; a candle flame or a real fire; the tick of an old-fashioned clock. If I stay paying attention to it, the rhythmic sound or sight seems to lull my busy mind to sleep for a while. It’s as if the noise gradually fades away until there’s nothing left.

And a little while of that quiet feels so restful, so refreshing!

So what allows you to have a break from your own busy head? Experiment, find out, and enjoy a few moments of peace and quiet.

COLLATERAL BEAUTY

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I have stolen this phrase from a film I went to see last week. It is the title of the film, and meant nothing to me until I had watched it – if you haven’t seen it, do look for it – it is just lovely!

We all know what collateral damage means now, since they started using it in a war context: the unintended or unavoidable negative side effects of something. Collateral beauty simply describes the unexpected positive side effects of something which seems awful in itself.

At the macro level, it is the kindness and courage of people when there is a major tragedy. At a micro level, it is noticing the sparkle of the raindrops or the return of the birdsong after a heavy downpour. It is appreciating your ability to taste things after a bad cold and becoming conscious of the way nature creates beauty with blossom and flowers, when we are forced to stop our busyness because we are seriously ill.

For me, there are two useful reminders in the phrase.

  1. There is always some form of collateral beauty no matter what is going on. Nothing is wholly awful. We grow, we learn, we come to recognise our own strengths, when awful things happen. And even in the midst of that awfulness, there are always touches of sweetness to remind us that this is not the whole story.
  2. Much of that collateral beauty is always in our lives, should we choose to notice it. There is more kindness than cruelty shown by people in our world, even if it is less reported. Nature is always offering us treats for our senses, should we stop and pay attention for a moment. We can learn and grow and recognise our own strengths through good times as well as the bad ones.

So whatever your present circumstances, keep an eye out for the collateral beauty. It is the universe’s gift to us and we can only gain from it.

A WIDER PERSPECTIVE

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I watched the programming for Comic Relief last week, and laughed and cried my way through the evening. It is a really powerful combination of emotions. We laugh and it opens us up, mentally and emotionally. We watch the stories of those that Comic Relief helps, who are all suffering some form of deprivation, both in the UK and Africa, and our open hearts feel for them and recognise the injustice of a world where children die of preventable diseases, where people are lonely and distressed.

It reminds us forcefully of our own good fortune, if we have a roof over our heads, warmth, food, love – the basics of life – and gives us a wider perspective on the problems we do have: for most of us they are not in the world-shattering category. It also illustrates the courage and perseverance of human beings in the face of adversity, and the kindness and compassion that we are naturally wired to give to others, when we move beyond our own little world. And above all, it reminds us that love and laughter are things we can all share, no matter who we are or what our circumstances are.

The Comic Relief event always feels like a dose of salts for regaining our perspective on life!

So what?

  • Give some money if you haven’t already – or even if you have! http://www.comicrelief.com/
  • Give thanks for the aspects of your life you normally take for granted: a home, food, people who love you, enough money to live, an education, a job
  • Be kind – to anyone and everyone! You don’t know how much difference your smile or kind word may make to someone
  • Use your own courage and perseverance to deal with the problems in your own life
  • And laugh whenever you can and let your heart and mind open!

SHOW US WHO YOU REALLY ARE

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Most of us have learnt to hide aspects of ourselves. We fit ourselves into roles that we adopt: the work role, the parent role, the friend role, the public role – and we leave out the parts of us that don’t seem to fit with that role.

This may be our naturally raucous laughter, our blues-loving listener, our wild dancer, or it may be our love of the ritual of church, of serious political discussion, of just being on our own. In other words, we all have parts of ourselves that we have come to think aren’t acceptable in at least some of the situations of our lives.

What a shame!! We are all naturally a rich tapestry, a mixture of colours, shapes, textures that make up who we are. This is the delight of human beings: we are each a unique and fascinating blend. If we hide aspects of that tapestry, it begins to resemble every other tapestry and loses its unique vibrancy.

We aren’t designed to be consistent, to fit into a mould: we’re designed to be individual, a one-off. And if you think about it, we all love it when others break the mould in some way: the ‘perfect’ mum who admits that she sometimes just doesn’t know what to do with her child; the accountant with a great sense of humour; the boss who plays a mean guitar lick.

They show us that not fitting the role perfectly is more interesting, freeing and attractive. Most of what we hide is not really unacceptable, it’s just not normal – and who really wants to be normal!!

So come on, show a little more of who you really are: admit that you’re sometimes silly as well as serious; tell us you have conversations with your dog or cat; talk about just having to get up and dance when you play a Bee Gees album; wear that bright pink sweater, those Mickey Mouse socks that you love.

Bring some of the other colours back up in your personal tapestry. We may be surprised, and most of us will be delighted as we experience more of the real you.

A REST FROM OUR BUSY WORLD

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I have just spent three weeks in retreat. Others would call it a holiday, staying with one of my best friends. For me, it has been a delightful and useful retreat.

The word retreat means to draw back from, ad I have been able to draw back from the normal ‘noise’ of everyday life these days: no phone, no emails, no tv, no normal routines of my usual life. So my days have been about what was immediately there: sitting in the sunshine on the beach or on the porch; enjoying the conversations with my friend and others we have met with; reading something that I felt like reading. And being able to sit and do nothing, allowing my mind to go wherever it willed, including to nothingness.

This space away from it all has made me even more aware of just how much we are bombarded by demands on our attention and time, and by distractions from just being here and now. It is so lovely to draw back from all that!

And the process also gives us a different perspective on that normal everyday life we lead. With the space, we can see how we can maybe give ourselves a few more ‘mini-retreats’ in the midst of that busy life: a day without the computer or phone; an afternoon walking in the countryside; an evening reading a good book.

We almost become immune to that constant noise we live in, but it is still taking its toll from us, stopping us from just being with ourselves and the moment.

Life is too precious to miss because of the demands on us – so please give yourself a little break from your busy life and take a rest.

DO YOU WANT TO BE KIND OR RIGHT?

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I remember seeing Wayne Dyer give a talk based on this question, and it really hit home for me. I love debating issues and I can get really caught up in ‘winning’ the argument, showing that I’ve thought it through, or I know more about it – and when I do that, I have no regard for how the other person feels.

I can also be self-righteous – you know, the ‘I told you so’ syndrome – a great way of rubbing salt in the wound!

Both of these ways of being are ego-based: proving yourself, being clever or right. They may be accurate, but they’re surely not kind. They’re designed to make us feel good about ourselves at the expense of the other person.

Wayne Dyer’s words gave me a jolt to the system. I now tend to just stop for a moment before I launch into that winning argument or that self-righteous comment. After all, being right is not going to endear me to others, or even make me feel good for more than a moment.

This doesn’t mean that I don’t ever tell my truth, or that I don’t express my views – far from it. It means that I attempt to express myself in ways that don’t put others down. When you take a moment, you have the space to consider:

  • Does it matter who is right on this issue?
  • Will it help me or them to grow and evolve?
  • Is it really just my point of view rather than a truth?
  • How can I express this in a way that’s useful or constructive?

Just by asking ourselves these questions we automatically reset the way we express ourselves with the other person. We are more likely to take into consideration their experience, their world-view. We are more likely to use a helpful approach rather than a bombastic one. And we are more likely to use our own knowledge or experience to help them to grow their own awareness rather than put them down.

I may know I’m right, but I don’t then have to prove it. I would rather be kind than right – it feels better – so let’s just stop for a moment next time we want to prove a point – and be kind instead!

WHAT’S YOUR INTENTION?

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They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions – I don’t believe it. I think it is paved with unclear or egotistical intentions.

Most of the time, we don’t consciously consider our intention before we embark on an action or behaviour – we just act. Yet behind that action or behaviour there is always an emotional driver – a form of intention.

Think about it for a moment. You decide to give someone a call: is it because you care about them and want them to feel cared for and thought about, or is it because they haven’t called you and you want them to feel guilty about it? You do someone a favour: is it because you are glad to help out, or are you keeping a tally of what each of you ‘owes’ the other, or you want to be seen as a kind or good person?

I don’t point this out to make you feel bad about your intentions! We all sometimes have that ‘hidden agenda’ behind our actions, behaviours and words. More importantly, our intention affects both how we approach things and what results we get.

When I do things to make myself feel important or good or kind, I have an expectation of some recognition, and that affects how I do it. I will tend to make it clear that I’m putting myself out and I am very disappointed if others don’t give me the recognition I feel I deserve.

When I do things to make others feel awkward or put down, my tone in the interaction is different, and I will tend to create defensiveness or ‘attacks’ in return – it’s how we create quarrels!

None of this makes us feel good. We end up disappointed or irritated. It’s really not worth it because we don’t get the result we want, and even if we do – the other person does feel bad about what they’ve done – it only makes us feel justified for a moment. It doesn’t clear anything.

Of course, we all want to be recognised for the good things we do. The paradox is that the recognition comes more often and more genuinely when we don’t ask for it or expect it. Equally, we do need to clear the air when there is an ‘edge’ between us and someone else because otherwise it will affect our relationship. And when our intention is to clear the air so as to keep the relationship sound, the interaction plays out very differently.

I’m not suggesting that we should be perfect and only ever act from a clear and positive intention – we’re only human after all! It’s just worth stopping for a breathspace before you launch in, to ask yourself what you’re doing this for – and if it’s to make the other feel bad, or to make yourself look good, maybe you would be better to leave it for now – for your own sake. In an hour or two, or day or two, you may be able to find a positive intention for the action or behaviour, one that is to enhance things, and then you will both benefit.

MAKE A REAL RESOLUTION FOR 2017

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Happy New Year!

This is when we make those New Year resolutions – again! So how about doing it differently this time. I was wondering what the etymology (original meaning) of the word resolution is, and it comes from the Latin word solvere, which means to untie or loosen, with re- which means again. So a resolution is really having another go at loosening one of the ties that bind us: habits and behaviours that aren’t useful to us.

Now if this were easy, we would have done it the first time we had a go. So let’s tackle it with the recognition that we may need to just release a few of the knots, and use a different method to the ones we’ve tried before.

If we feel that more physical activity would be good for us, because we have become rather sedentary, how about choosing something easy and pleasurable to do, so it’s achievable and is an improvement we can easily make. If we feel that our eating habits could be healthier, we could choose one type of food to drop from our normal diet, and one to add, for interest. Do you get the drift?

This is supposed to enhance our lives, not make us feel like we’re punishing ourselves for our failures! And if it’s easy to achieve, we’re more likely to stick to it.

Finally, let’s continue the process of improving our lives and loosening the ties that bind by choosing s resolution that isn’t about correcting something that isn’t ‘good enough’. Let’s have one that is just about making life feel even better: maybe experiment with that dance class you’ve always fancied but not got round to, or book that return trip to Italy that you’ve thought about so often, or just have a go at cooking that meal you’ve always meant to have a go at.

We so often make resolutions we don’t stick to. Make 2017 the year when your resolutions really do make a positive difference in your lives.