Tag Archives: thinking

AM I IN THE RIGHT MOOD?

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I get conflicted sometimes between just getting something done, and waiting until I’m in the right mood to do it effectively. I’ve been ‘trained’ – haven’t we all? – to push myself to do things I think I ought to, even though I don’t feel like it, and then to feel bad if I don’t actually do it, because then I’m being lazy or procrastinating. Yet I know that pushing myself doesn’t work well for several reasons.

When I push myself to do something, there’s always a part of me that’s resisting it. So I use more energy than necessary, because I’m overcoming my own resistance as well as doing whatever it is. Even easy tasks seem to leave me worn out.

And somehow those tasks take longer, or get more complicated, or involve problems I wasn’t expecting: the computer starts going slow; the phone call doesn’t go as I had hoped; I can’t find a vital element I need; the bus is late; the person I need to talk to isn’t available.

When I look at it objectively, it’s obvious that pushing myself isn’t the most effective way to use my time and energy, so I’m experimenting with a different approach, and slowly retraining myself!

It all hinges on the mood we’re in. and the grand realisation is that our ‘bad’ moods are not static. They can change in a heartbeat. The only thing that keeps us in a bad mood is if we resist it being like it is. If we accept how it is and go along with it, it runs out of steam, because we naturally incline towards something more useful.

What’s more, we can help ourselves to change our mood. Firstly, we can just take a break. Often, sitting down for ten minutes with a cup of coffee is enough to get me going again. It allows the mood to shift itself.

Secondly, we can prompt ourselves. If I’m feeling fed up, what would cheer me up a bit? If I’m feeling irritable, what would soothe me? If I’m feeling low on energy, what would give me a little burst to get me going?

It’s not hard to change our mood – we do it all the time without thinking about it. So let’s get in the right mood, and then tackle that task with a bit of gusto – it works so much better in every way!

IS THIS USEFUL TO ME?

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Sometimes we all make our own life harder for ourselves. One of the more subtle ways we do so is by the way we think about our experience of life. Most of us have a constant inner commentator who pronounces judgements on us as if there is a scorecard with our name on it, with a ridiculously high pass mark against every activity, behaviour and thought.

For example, we may decide to try cooking something different for a change. Our inner commentator points out that we probably haven’t allowed enough time for the new recipe, and that it hasn’t turned out like the picture in the recipe book. What’s more, those we cooked it for don’t really appreciate it anyway. And then that same commentator will criticise us for being a perfectionist and needing validation from others!

It is rare that our inner commentator says: ‘Well done for having a go’ or ‘That was a really good first attempt.

We need to learn to interrupt the commentator with its judgement and high pass marks. It puts us in a position of failure and disappointment over and over again.

Firstly, we need to change the pass mark into something more helpful. This means noticing whether it is a step in the right direction for us: ‘Am I doing a bit better than I did before?’ ‘ Have I made a slight improvement?’ This sort of measurement is not done moment by moment: it measures our general pattern. For example: ‘ I’m getting better at experimenting with something new’ or ‘I’m more willing to take a risk.’

Secondly, we need to remind our commentators that were human, not perfect beings. We won’t always get it ‘right’, we do slip sometimes, and our progress is not generally linear – it is more like an upward spiral, which sometimes goes downwards, but gradually reaches new heights.

Lastly, and most fundamentally, we need to interrupt the negative and critical thoughts and behaviours by asking a simple question: ‘ Is this useful to me?’ if our intention is to grow our lives into something more joyous and constructive for us, we need to question whether that thought or behaviour is helping us to do that, rather than judging it right or wrong, good or bad.

If our immediate response to the question, ‘Is this useful to me?’ is yes, then we are fine. If it is no, then there is a second question that naturally follows on: ‘So what would be more useful?’

For example, if my conclusion in the cooking experiment is that I won’t bother to do it again, as a result of the commentators’ views, I may decide that it’s useful because cooking is not really my thing, and I could use my energy on something that I do like doing. Or I may decide that it’s not a useful conclusion, and it would be more useful to cook something a bit simpler next time I experiment.

When we ask ourselves if our thought or behaviour is useful, we remind ourselves of the likely impact of it on us and others, and have a choice for how we move next. We help ourselves to grow the life we want.

So just start adding in that question, when you get caught up in the negative cycle. Is this useful to me? And if not, what would be more useful?

 

IT’S NOT THE END OF THE WORLD!

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I have needed my own reminders over the last couple of weeks! The double whammy of snow in March and a stinking cold took me to that place we all experience sometimes: it’s not fair, everything is awful, I’m always coming up against obstacles etc.…

I do know, however, that when I start using words like always, never, everything, nothing, I have lost perspective. My focus on feeling rough and hating cold weather had coloured my view of the world and of my experience in it. It’s as if we put on a lens that only highlights those particular colours and ignores everything else.

So I have had to apply my own teachings to myself. This means consciously adjusting that lens. Firstly, we need to widen the perspective beyond the immediate. In this instance, I am reminding myself that most of the time, I am healthy, and most of the time, it is not that cold.

Secondly, we need to consciously pay attention to those elements of the immediate that have been ignored by that restrictive lens. After all, I have a lovely warm home, and my milk and groceries are delivered, so I don’t have to go out in the cold very often. And although I’ve felt a bit ‘under the weather’, I’m not bed-ridden, and I’ve caught up on some good movies. And friends and family have shown concern and distracted me from my miserable state.

Finally, I came back to the realisation that it’s not the end of he world!

The snow has gone now, and spring is showing itself in crocuses and daffodils, just a few days later. The cough and cold are on their way out, and I’m feeling much better. It was only a temporary blip, and life is back on track.

We all lose perspective sometimes, but we don’t have to stay in that place – we can adjust the lens to something more useful. Most of the time, life is pretty good, isn’t it!

LEARNING TO ACCEPT

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We are contrary creatures! Most of us are poor at accepting how life is. We know from experience that it is not a smooth ride, yet we still struggle with its ups and downs. We fight the natural flow of life, both in its external form and in our moods and motivations.

When external circumstances are more difficult – our job is hard, the weather is bad, the item we wanted is out of stock – we rail against it, complain and wish it were different. When we are not in a good mood, we try to hide it, berate ourselves for having no good reason for being like this, or blame others. Yet we know that you can’t just wish it away. When we fight how things are, or how we are, we just perpetuate it – what you resist persists.

And we even resist when life feels good, rejecting compliments, telling ourselves that it won’t last. It’s a great way to spoil the moment!!

There is an alternative approach and it works more usefully for us. It’s called learning to accept. This word is powerful. It doesn’t mean give in or give up. It means to actively take hold of how things are. Instead of passively wishing things were different, we accept how they are. Then we are back in control, and we can do something about it.

For example: ‘I am feeling fed up today. What can I do that would cheer me up?’ or ‘It’s really cold today. So where’s my warm scarf and gloves?’

When we accept the state of affairs, we have the possibility of making a change that will help.

And if it’s a good mood, a good moment, our acceptance means that we give ourselves an extra boost. Enjoying and accepting a compliment puts an extra spring in our step. If we’re in a good mood, we can use it to tackle something we’ve been putting off.

Life isn’t logical; it’s an emotional experience. When we resist how it feels, we are fighting the way it works. It’s like wishing a one-way street allowed you to go the other way – futile! When we accept the way life works, it gets easier, and we can enjoy the ride..

BE KIND TO YOURSELF

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Oh dear, when are we going to remember that we’re only human, not super – man or woman, not an angel of perfection!

I keep being reminded that we are taught too well to be critical of ourselves, and to expect more from ourselves than we do from anyone else. It is so mean!! We wouldn’t be so harsh with any of our friends or family because we recognise that they are only human, with ups and downs, good moods and bad moods, motivated days and apathetic days..

I have learnt that I ebb and flow – sometimes inspired, sometimes daft as a brush – nothing is constant in me and my moods. And of course, that is our natural state – we aren’t robots or machines that can just keep going at a constant speed in a consistent way. The trick is to take advantage of the times of motivation and energy and let ourselves off and have a bit of a rest when we don’t feel like doing all that stuff – most of it is not actually that important anyway. I find I set myself ridiculous targets and deadlines, and then beat myself up for not meeting them. So I have to re-assess every morning – not whether I have ‘succeeded’ or not, but whether I have been giving myself too much to achieve. Ad if I have, I need to reduce the targets for that day. By doing this regularly, I can keep my tendency to make myself feel bad to a minimum!!

So this week, how about being kind to yourself? I is getting colder, the days are shorter, Christmas is coming and we are feeling the pressure of present-buying, card-sending and stocking up for that – we deserve a break!

So let yourself off, be a little kind to yourself, sit down with that cuppa and relax for 10 minutes, take that extra thing off your list – it can wait – treat yourself to something that makes you feel good, remind yourself of how much you have done, rather than what you have not done. Let’s have a being kind to yourself week – you wouldn’t be so mean with anyone else – don’t do it to yourself!

THE SPIRIT OF THE PLACE

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Whilst on holiday I was reminded of how significant the spirit of a place really is. There are some ancient buildings that just feel good to be in, and others that you don’t want to linger in. there are streets that feel tranquil, others feel vibrant, and some that just provide a passageway to something else, or even feel hostile.

We don’t usually take the time to notice these differences consciously, yet we are all affected by them to some extent. And it is the human imprint that makes these differences: the activity, general mood, attitude, of those who have been there over time. Each one of us leaves a little of ourselves in wherever we visit.

A clear example of this is a church or temple. Many of them (although not all) have a feeling of tranquillity, of calm, and have a quietening effect on us. We sit for a little while, and add our own moment of stillness to their atmosphere, as people have done since they were built, even if we are not religious.

And this made me think about how we imprint our own homes. All the perfect décor and beautiful objects you can buy don’t make a home. It becomes a home when we express our individuality, our history, our attitude, in some of the things we choose to have round us. And then its spirit grows from the imprint of us and how we live there`; how much love, how much laughter, how much warmth, how much calm, how much care – OK, I know you’ve got what I’m saying now!

Now sometimes I’m frustrated, fed up, irritable, upset, in my home. That taints its spirit for a while. So from now on, I intend to burn a little sage or incense, or open up all the windows and doors, to ‘freshen it up’ more quickly. I know the general spirit of my place is lovey, warm and welcoming – and I can make it even better, by paying it more attention.

What about you??

MAGIC MOMENTS

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It is so easy to miss the magic moments in our lives. They come in many forms, and it is not as if they usually have some major significance – they are just little reminders of what it’s all really about.

I’m talking about seeing the sun’s beams of light coming through the clouds, hearing a baby giggling with delight at something, smelling the scent of jasmine or roses as you walk past, that first mouthful of really good coffee or tea, feeling a few slight drops of rain on your skin when it’s been hot, exchanging a smile with a stranger you pass on the street.

These magic moments interrupt our normally busy minds, if we allow them in, and just for a moment, we stop and smile. And that moment is like a reset button. It puts a little more spring in our step, it lightens our thinking, it interrupts any negative stories we are creating in our heads, it gives us an opportunity to start again in our day.

Now we are all more likely to notice the magic moments when we are not caught up in our normal everyday lives. I always realise that there are hundreds of them every day when I am on Maui and taking life easy – and then tend to forget again when I get back to my normal life!

And I’m getting slowly better at noticing them no matter what is going on, because I recognise how much they can make a positive difference to my day.

So once in a while, let something catch your eye or ear, and give it a moment’s attention. Once in a while, just stop and appreciate that taste or smell, or sensation on your skin. Once in a while, look up and notice the person smiling, the baby laughing.

Let’s all have magic moments in our lives – they are there for the taking, if we give them a chance.

 

WHERE AM I UP TO?

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It is common for us to get caught up in our lives, swept along from one thing to another. We don’t stop to consider, we just take the next step, do the next task, follow the routine.

It makes a significant difference if we take stock now and then.

On a daily basis, taking 5 minutes halfway thrugh our day, and then towards the end of the day to just ask ourselves, ‘Where am I up to?’, gives us a chance to assess our energy levels, what would be good use of our time next, what our priorities are, what really matters.

Then, on a monthly basis, we can take stock at a higher level: what have we done well or achieved, or made progress in; how well have we taken care of ourselves. And then we can look at what adjustments we would make for the next month, see what it is important for us to consider or make allowances for, and look at how we can make our next month easier and more enjoyable for ourselves.

And I also like to do a 3-monthly ‘review’. (I’ve always thought that the once a year version that produces New Year resolutions was too long – if I’ve gone off track, I want to catch it sooner, so I don’t have so much ground to recover!)

So at three months, I ask the bigger version of where am I up to:

In what ways is life going how I want it to?

Am I heading in the right direction?

Am I making it work for how I am now?

Is there anything I could do with increasing or decreasing in my life?

The answers to these sorts of questions then lead to a broad plan for the next three months: what I want to maintain, build on, leave behind, introduce, have more or less of.

None of this is hard work – in fact it’s best done gently, allowing answers to pop up intuitively, rather than doing it like an exam that you have to get right. What it gives you is the guidelines for those daily and monthly stock-takes, and a gentle reminder that as we continue to evolve in our lives, some of the priorities and concerns may change.

So where are you up to in your day right now? And in your life?

IS IT UNCOMFORTABLE OR JUST UNFAMILIAR?

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I was talking to someone the other day about changes in their life, and they said that they were feeling pulled out of their comfort zone. It made me think about the distinction between uncomfortable and unfamiliar. I was given this distinction many years ago, and have found it to be a really useful guide to where change could be positive for me and where it isn’t.

I find the metaphor of clothing useful to clarify the distinction: there is a big difference between the feel and look of a suit which fits properly and one that doesn’t. We may not be used to wearing a suit, so both may feel a little odd to us, but we know if that’s because it’s just unfamiliar, or if it’s because it doesn’t fit us properly.

So when we are facing some change in our lives, we need to ‘try it on for size’. Imagine yourself being in that new circumstance, and see how it feels. Your body will tell you if it fits or not. If you find that you want to immediately get out of it, the likelihood is that it is uncomfortable, a poor fit for who you are – our gut reaction tends to be accurate.

If you are tempted to give it a twirl, view it from another angle, or you smile as you try it on, the chances are it’s just unfamiliar. If you take notice of your body’s reaction, rather than letting your mind over-ride that information, you will begin to get the distinction.

And even if your mind does over-ride, just notice what language it uses to do so. If there are should’s and ought’s involved, you know it’s uncomfortable. ‘This should be fine’, or ‘I ought to be able to handle this’. On the other hand, if your mind is saying, ‘I don’t know how this will work’, or ‘I’m not sure how I will handle this’, it’s just unfamiliar, and you are identifying that you haven’t got a ready made formula for dealing with it.

What if it’s going to happen anyway?

If we realise that it doesn’t fit for us, but it is not something we can just avoid, then we have the opportunity to ask ourselves, ‘What would make it more comfortable for us, a better fit?’ It may be that we need to declare our discomfort beforehand, saying that it doesn’t feel right for us. Or we may realise that we would find it more confortable if we had some overt support while we were experiencing it. Or perhaps we can make some small change to the circumstance that would make it feel a better fit.

And if we’ve established that it is unfamiliar, we may still feel we would find it easier if we have some form of support/encouragement, or suggestions for first steps into it. We also need to allow ourselves a bit of time to get used to it.

As a small child, you encountered the unfamiliar all the time – that’s how you developed, by gradually assimilating new things. But you needed reassurance, help, encouragement, and time to do the assimilation.

You also knew instinctively if something was uncomfortable for you, spitting out the food you didn’t like, yelling when you were being left for a while with someone you didn’t like being with.

You do know the distinction – use it to make life easier for yourself.

OH WELL, TOMORROW’S ANOTHER DAY..

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I don’t know about you, but I have good days and bad days. I used to be far more aware of my bad days – you know, those days when you don’t really feel in the mood, and then nothing seems to go smoothly, and you get more and more fed up and frustrated. I could easily end up beating myself up for my ‘failure’ and making myself feel even worse.

And the good days? I tended to take them for granted, not count them, because they were merely what I expected of myself.

I decided a while ago that this was not helping me to have more good days – I don’t respond well to punishment, even when it’s self-punishment! So I started to take a different approach.

Firstly, I had to remind myself that I’m human, not a robot. It’s natural to have highs and lows, be motivated or demotivated, feel energetic or weary.

Secondly, I started actively complimenting myself for the good days, telling myself that I’d done well, that I’d been on form.

Thirdly, I began to notice the bits of the not-so-good days that had been fine – it’s rare to have a totally bad day. At least I got up, and made a nice dinner, and did the washing!

Fourthly, when the day hasn’t gone very well, instead of beating myself up, I let myself off the hook. I adopted the phrase, ‘Oh well, tomorrow’s another day..’

In truth, we can always have another go. Tomorrow is a new day, a fresh opportunity to see if we can make life/work easier and more enjoyable. What’s gone is gone, and agonising over it doesn’t change that. But we can be a bit kinder to ourselves, relax and have a good sleep, and set ourselves up for a better day tomorrow.

I have found that I have far more good days and quite a few good bits of days as well, since I started this. It might be worth experimenting with…