All posts by Di Kamp

CAN YOU STILL SMILE?

Ways of Remembering,

My friend Rebecca and I were talking a short while ago, discussing, as we all do, the effects of the pandemic. We got into the subject of masks and how they affect our interactions.

Not only do glasses steam up when we wear them, and our verbal communication become less clear, but they also significantly affect our non-verbal communication. We all express our emotions most strongly through our body language and our facial expressions – but half our faces are now covered a lot of the time in our interactions.

So we don’t see each other smile or grimace in that unconscious way we used to, giving us feedback about others’ reactions. It requires us to be conscious, if we want to come past that barrier to making friendly contact with others.

If I really want to smile at someone, I have to make sure that I take that smile beyond my mouth and put it into my eyes and into the tone of my voice. And I need to look at others directly, and notice their voice tone, what their eyes are saying.

We have learnt almost to do the opposite: we look away from people so we don’t breathe the same air, and we are already feeling isolated from others because of the mask, so often we will retreat into our own world.

Yet we also all miss that human contact – with loved ones of course, but also all the peripheral relationships we have, with people in shops, on the street, in transport.

So let’s make a real effort to show our friendly smiles and provoke others into smiling too. Light your eyes up, soften your voice tone, smile at people despite the masks.

CONGRATULATE YOURSELF!

Ways of Remembering

Most of us are struggling somewhat with what feels like never-ending restrictions, cold grey days, and a lack of ‘normal’ highlights in our week. We miss spending time with people we love, being able to go for a coffee or a pint with friends, having any social life.

And we can get quite miserable, but also somewhat critical of ourselves:

‘I’m not ill, so I shouldn’t complain.’

‘I’ve a home and family, and food on the table – what’s the matter with me?’

‘Others are much worse off than me – why am I being a miserable cow?’

That’s pretty mean to ourselves! How about turning it around and being proud of yourself?

You have got through nearly a year of unusual and difficult circumstances. You have adapted your normal way of life in the best way you can. You have managed to have moments of laughter and joy despite the dire circumstances. You have achieved some things you wouldn’t have done otherwise: maybe cleaning out some clutter or redecorating something; maybe reconnecting via zoom or phone with old friends; maybe pursuing an interest or hobby further.

We have all done some of these things, and anything we’ve achieved deserves congratulations – it’s happened while we have a dark cloud called a pandemic hanging over us!

So you have some bad days – that’s to be expected. But you’ve also had some good days – now that’s something to be proud of.

It’s not fun, living our lives with a black cloud hanging over us. And it makes it harder to deal with the normal ups and downs of life, because there’s a negative energy around before we even start to add in the problems we come across.

But we’re doing a pretty good job of dealing with it aren’t we? So be proud of yourself for your endurance, your resilience and your ability to find some positives in all this – congratulations! You deserve a treat today!

WHY IS NOT A USEFUL QUESTION

Ways of Remembering,

Whether it be about the wider context of our world, or about something which happens to us personally, why is not a useful question.

It may serve a purpose in gaining us a greater understanding or an explanation, but it is also likely to make us feel more powerless, more a victim of circumstance, or more guilty.

We generally ask why when something doesn’t make sense in our world view: Why did this happen to me? Why don’t they…? Why would someone…? Why can’t I…? We start from a place of wishing it were different from how it is, of finding whatever it is confusing or unacceptable. So any answers we may find already have a negative tinge.

More than that, answers to why don’t help us to handle it better usually, and are very unlikely to change the circumstance. ‘Why doesn’t so and so call me back?’ for example, just makes me feel crosser and doesn’t prompt them to call me!

So, what will help us to deal with whatever it is? This is a more useful question! Once we accept that it is how it is, then we can ask ourselves the useful questions: What am I going to do about it? How can I find a way to deal with it?

We are living through a time when things don’t make sense to us, and it’s easy to be disheartened by it. But we also all have the ability to choose to find a way to make our lives work the best way we can in the circumstances, rather than to be victims of it. Let’s stop asking why and start asking what can I do to help myself through.

KEEP YOURSELF WELL

Ways of Remembering

There are many things we can learn from the effects of the pandemic, so that we improve our lives from now on. One that is central is the concept of keeping ourselves well, rather than trying to get better when we are sick.

We need to take care of our physical bodies as a daily requirement, so that we have active and healthy immune systems and are far less likely to fall prey to the various problems that can affect us.

This means having a health-giving diet: the rainbow of foods on our plate to give us the vitamins and minerals we need; less fat and sugar and processed food; enough water to keep us hydrated properly. We may also supplement with those things that specifically boost our immune system, like vitamin D and Echinacea

It also means keeping our bodies active; walking, exercising, stretching, at least a little every day – bodies work better when they are moved.

And of course it also means taking some control of the way our minds are working. Being anxious or stressed, fearful or frustrated, all set off our adrenaline, which suppresses our immune system temporarily and makes us more vulnerable.

Finally we need to remember how to listen to our own bodies – they have an innate wisdom. They were not designed to work like robots – they have a flow and rhythm of their own. Sometimes we have energy to spare and can do lots; other times we feel sluggish and need to give ourselves space to replenish. Sometimes we need more sleep than at other times even though we haven’t done much more than usual.  We don’t know what bugs our bodies may have been fighting on our behalf, tiring themselves out! And we are often neglectful of our own hunger and thirst, until it becomes urgent and we eat any old thing to just fill the hole – or we eat and drink because we are fed up or tired rather than to satisfy our bodies.

None of these things are hard to do – they come naturally when we are little and we are taught how to ignore them. They just require us to pay attention to our own state of being until it becomes habitual and natural again. And they will all help us to keep well rather than try to avoid being sick. They are useful now, as we all cope with the pandemic, but they are also a great habit to get into for the rest of your life.

MAKE A WISH

Ways of Remembering,

We have spent a lot of the last year under a cloud of fear and it feels like it’s time to change the story. Normally people make resolutions for the New Year, but I suggest we do something that’s more gentle and hopeful – we make a wish or two.

We need to dream of a more hopeful and improved future and believe again in the possibility of a world we want to live in. so let’s all put our wishes in the wishing well of the universe this year and between us create the version of a better world at every level. It is a powerful way of beginning to change the story, because we need to have an alternate picture, before we can begin to turn it into reality.

This is not an ‘if only’ – when we try to wish away how things are- that only confirms the realty we have. It is a dream – how I wish things to be – a vision for the future – that is what makes it powerful. Remember Martin Luther King: ‘I have a dream..’

So I think there are three l levels of wishes to put in that well:

  1. My wish for my own life
  2. My wish for the lives of others
  3. My wish for the world we live in

As examples:

  1. I wish that I may live life to the full, with big doses of joy and laughter, friendships I value and enjoy, and a sense of fulfilling my purpose in being here in this incarnation
  2. I wish that every human being may have shelter and enough to eat, be valued for who they are and feel loved
  3. I wish that we may all rediscover ways of caring for each other and the planet we live on, using common sense and compassion as our driving forces rather than greed or egotism.

I don’t know what your wishes might be, but I’d love you to put them in the wishing well with mine – it’s time we created a brighter future for all of us.

May your 2021 go well for you..

THE SIMPLE PLEASURES

Ways of Remembering,

I began to write this, and my cat, Smokey, jumped on my lap and pushed the pen out of my hand. He had come for his morning cuddle, and nothing was getting in the way of that. No matter what, he insists on his 10 minutes of fuss – and it’s good for both of us: soothing, warm, a bit of love.

It struck me that we all need to put feeling good as a priority at the end of this year. Everyone I know has had it tough in one way or another, and it isn’t over yet. We all need to refresh ourselves. Cats know instinctively how to do this. Small children are similar: they can be really upset about something and then recover instantly when offered something that pleases them.

So let’s be childlike and actively seek out the simple pleasures for ourselves over this holiday period.

Enjoy the taste of good food, the smell of a scented candle, the twinkle of fairy lights, the cosiness of a favourite sweater, the sound of laughter.

Indulge yourself with a favourite movie or book, a soak in a scented bath, an extra helping of that dessert.

Appreciate the winter sun, the birds singing, the peace of a walk in the park or country, the beauty of nature even in its dormant period.

And delight in that close contact with those you love: give them an extra hug or video call, laugh with them, remind them of fun times you’ve had together, tell them you love them.

It would be lovely if the problems we have had through this year were over, but they’re not, so let’s concentrate on what we do have in our lives that’s good and leave the problems to one side for a little while.

Have a happy Christmas and refresh yourselves, ready to make a difference in 2021. Take a break and enjoy some simple pleasures.,

WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE!

Ways of Remembering

I saw someone talking the other day about the language that is being used in announcements about covid. It was fascinating, and surely resonated with me – you know how I love the power of words.

Basically he was saying that there were two major areas where the language being used is actively working against the required response from people.

The first is the use of battle and war language, which provokes emotions like fear and anger rather than positive action. For example, fighting the virus, rather than eliminating it, or reducing its effect, and front-line workers rather than essential workers.

The second poor use of language is in the imposition of government rules, rather than calling on personal responsibility. He suggested that we all have a tendency to react against rules, and few of us trust our governments to have our best interests at heart, so the combination of these two provokes frustration and rebellion rather than compliance. If it were fact-based information from the scientists and medical experts on viruses that came to the fore, with requests for personal responsibility and care for others, instead of rules, more people would respond positively. For example, here are the reasons why staying at home is advisable wherever possible

His statement clarified for me what I find so frustrating about this whole period. Instead of taking care of ourselves and others, we are urged to fight an invisible enemy. Instead of consistency in the rules, we have massive and obvious inconsistencies: compromise to placate vested interests, delays in action despite scientific advice, considerations other than our health playing a large part, and no trust in our common sense.

Surely an appeal to our common sense would work better for most – a small minority may not respond, but it would be less than now. And surely saving people from being at risk of dying is more important than economic or political considerations in the short-term.

OK, that’s my rant!!

And all this is also a reminder that each of us has a part to play. Our language is also powerful and influences those around us. We can take personal responsibility, use common sense, listen to the facts rather than the ‘message’, and we can talk in that way when the topic is covid.  – as it so often is!

May we all do our best to look after ourselves and others, and find ways to safely make our lives work, no matter what.

WHAT ENLIVENS YOU?

Ways of Remembering

As we continue to be restricted in what we can do, who we can see, where we can go, it is easy to become fed up, a bit miserable, and rather dull! Life can seem like just a repetitive round of same old, same old, and we lack stimulus or motivation.

So we need to find as many ways as possible to enliven our lives – make it living not just surviving.

So what enlivens you?

There are the things that get us going physically and wake us up in our bodies: a walk in the fresh air, an hour in the garden, our favourite form of exercise, or just dancing to a favourite piece of music.

Then there are the things that enliven us mentally: watching an interesting documentary, talking ‘big talk’ with the friends who do that, tackling a tough crossword, reading more on a topic you’re curious about.

And there are those things that liven up our positive emotions: a feel-good movie, laughing with a friend, doing something kind for someone else, getting absorbed for a few hours in something you love doing.

And of course, any one of these ‘enliveners’ may well stimulate our liveliness in more than one way. We know the things that really ‘wake us up’ again.

We all have lots of possibilities, even with the restrictions we are currently experiencing, ad we can choose to give ourselves something that makes us feel truly alive each day, if only for a short time.

This is not indulgence, it’s essential for us, to keep us growing and thriving a human beings. And by practising it now, we can get into the habit of ensuring that we really live our lives each day.

A SIGN OF HOPE

Ways of Remembering

I know I usually write about something that is more personal, about our everyday lives, but I feel I have to reference what has just happened – it feels personal to me!

I spent most of the last week obsessively following the news on the American elections. It felt like the outcome of that election would be an important indicator of future possibilities: either more tendency towards empty rhetoric, a lack of fundamental values, and self-centred behaviour; or a revitalisation of decency, working together to improve things, and a thought-through approach to dealing with problems.

Halleluiah!! Despite Trump’s ability to stir up the worst in people and convince them that his ‘alternate facts’ were true, we have a new President-Elect. And Biden may not be an Obama, but he is an elder statesman who will bring some common sense, experience, and a strong team to restore some order in American politics, not to mention the world.

It won’t be straightforward, and he’s walking into a really difficult situation, with a lot to deal with, but for me, this result is a hopeful sign. Many people may still be convinced by sound bites, superficialities, and what they want to hear, but more people in the USA have decided to come out and say that enough is enough.

Some years ago, I took some time to research the descriptions of era changes – the big shifts that happen in societies and cultures. The common theme of signs that an era change was happening was that you begin to see more of the worst behaviour of the old era, with small examples of how the new era could be beginning to appear.

The real shift begins when the new era examples start to take more hold, and the old era behaviour begins to lose ground. This can be in politics, our attitude to our environment, the way we work, or our behaviour with each other.

I’ve always been interested in the bigger picture, and I believe we have been progressing towards a new era in many of these areas over the last decades, slowly but surely, despite the obvious worst of the old behaviours that have also been happening.

Joe Biden’s election gives me renewed optimism that we’re genuinely shifting, and encourages me to continue to do what I can to further the cause of a new era based on fundamental values of compassion, kindness, honesty, thoughtfulness, applied to the way we are with each other, the way things are done and the way we are in our world.

Let’s all build on this hopeful sign, and help- strengthen a new era in our world…

THE THEATRE OF THE ABSURD

Ways of Remembering,

Many years ago, I studied the theatre of the absurd. Now I am living in it! We have a prime minster who looks like a clown, sounds like an advert spouting slogans and leads like a drunkard who has a ‘good idea’ – a less extreme yet equally unimpressive version of ‘crazy uncle’ Trump. His cohort in government is no better – they all seem more like caricatures than real human beings, and seem to be driven by the belief that if they spout their nonsense often enough, we will all fit in to their story.

If we go out anywhere, most people have face-coverings – remember when that was weird? – and we attempt to stay away from other people as much as possible. And we are all under threat from something we can’t see and we don’t understand.

It’s amazing we are coping as well as we are!

In this live version of the theatre of the absurd, I find it helpful to re-focus on my own corner of this world, and do what I can to give myself a sense of meaning, purpose and enjoyment. Despite the restrictions and the nonsense, I can still have contact with friends, work on my garden, do my writing, and enjoy the natural world as it goes about its normal natural flow. I can maintain and build and enjoyable and purposeful daily life that feels real, rather than being caught up in the absurd melodrama.

Focussing on what we have, rather than what we don’t have, what we can do as opposed to what we can’t do, paying attention to the things that really matter to us, ensuring that we have enjoyable moments in the day, keeping ourselves as fit and healthy as we can – these are the things that will bring us through this period of absurdity, and maybe then we can reach a point where we are in the theatre of enlightenment instead of the theatre of the absurd.