GUILT IS A POINTLESS EMOTION

Ways of Remembering,

I’m sure we all say sometimes: ‘I feel guilty that I haven’t /didn’t…’. It’s an acknowledgement that we feel we got something wrong. But on its own, it has no benefit whatsoever.

Firstly, it’s always about something that’s already happened – or not happened – in the past, so it’s too late to change.

Secondly, it weighs on us and causes negative feelings, but leads nowhere except for feeling bad.

It is only useful if we take it as a starting point: if we feel guilty, what can we do about it.

If it is to do with our behaviour towards someone else, we may be able to admit our guilt and hopefully rectify the situation, or at least apologise. Fr example, if we snapped at someone unnecessarily, we can say sorry the next time we speak, and explain that we know it was us who was out of order, not them.

If it is to do with something we feel that we should have done, then maybe we could just do it now. For example, if we feel we should have finished off the task we were doing, when instead we sat and read a book for a while, we can plan in time to finish the task today.

And sometimes we will realise, when we look at our guilt, that it really is pointless – we’re just ‘should have-ing’ ourselves for no good reason. In this case, we need to shake it off and let ourselves off!

Feeling guilty on its own gives us nothing useful. It is akin to self-pity and is an indulgence in negativity that takes away the possibility of feeling good.

Don’t do it! or at least, do something about it – let it lead to something useful that makes us feel good again.

THE QUIET ACTIVISM OF LIVING YOUR EVERYDAY LIFE PLEASANTLY

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I was listening to an interview with one of my favourite people, Jon Stewart, who is a brilliant American satirist. The interviewer was commenting on his biting and funny assessments of Donald Trump and his administration, and asked him: ‘But what can the rest of us do, to stand up against this sort of behaviour?’

His reply? ‘Everyone can engage in the quiet activism of living your life pleasantly.’ It really struck a chord with me.

We so often feel helpless in the face of injustice, tyranny, bad behaviour. As ordinary people, we don’t feel we have any power to change things, or even challenge them. Yet the most powerful thing in the world is energy.

Think about it for a moment. We have all experienced the effect that one person can have on a roomful of people, negative or positive, when their energy is clear. And we have probably all been that person at some point: either putting people’s back up or being the life and soul of the party.

If more and more of us determine to live our lives pleasantly, the positive energy gets stronger and stronger, because it’s infectious. And there is less and less room for the negative energy in the world.

It’s not hard to live pleasantly: smiles instead of frowns, hello’s instead of ignoring others, thank you’s instead of taking small acts of kindness for granted.

It is a positive step we can all take to make a difference, and selfishly, we will feel better too. So next time you’re about to snap at someone, or treat them with indifference, be a quiet activist and be pleasant instead.

HUMANKIND

Ways of Remembering, ,

Somehow, we seem to be in a phase where we are divided into separate camps and every camp believes that they are right and the others are wrong in some way. It seems to support the theory that human beings are essentially nasty, greedy, selfish.

This is made worse by the fact that the ‘news’ tells us all about the worst behaviours of ithers, and hardly mentions the myriad of acts of kindness and compassion that are also happening at the same time.

Yet just about everyone experiences, on a daily basis, the kind, unselfish, helpful aspects of other human beings through small acts of goodness. We don’t feel hatred or dismissiveness about those we know or make a connection with, and we don’t feel prejudice towards then on the basis of appearance, religion, politics or status.

And if all these people we know are ‘good people’, what on earth is the logic of assuming that most other people aren’t? Logic would tell us that the vast majority are just like us and our friends and family as human beings, doing our best to navigate our lives.

Maybe at this time of year we could decide to treat everyone as we would like to be treated and believe in the essential goodness of human nature. With that attitude, we humankind could change the world for ever and for better.

Have a kindly, joyous and peaceful Christmas break.

Di

TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR THOUGHTS

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We all think all the time. The question is: who is running the show, you, or your thoughts?

Our minds are an archive of all that we have experienced or been told or seen or read. They pull out a selection of thoughts based on our mood or attitude in quite a random way.

A great example of this is our dreams, you know, those really weird ones where the characters are both people you know and people from films or books, and the plot line is a random collection of circumstances where you are being chased or you’re the hero. It’s a story created from a whole mix of your mind’s archive that you know is not real.

But this is what our minds do all the time, if we don’t take control of the story. So how do we do that?

We consciously give our minds instructions. We set the tone for the type of thoughts we want, for example: ‘I want to remember the good bits’. And we tell our minds to dump parts of that archive in the trash bin: ‘put those negative thoughts in the trash – they’re no longer relevant or useful to me.’

We can re-organise our mind’s archive, so that the most useful and positive thoughts and memories are the most accessible. This means that they will be the ones that our mind goes to most often, thereby reinforcing them.

It takes a while – there’s a lot of mixed up stuff in that archive of yours! – but your mind would prefer to work well for you. You just have to take control, rather than letting your thoughts control you.

TRUE HOSPITALITY

Ways of Remembering, ,

I read a fascinating article recently about the real meaning of hospitality, and it made me realise how far we have moved away from that when we now use the word as a description for a type of business.

The etymology of the word is hospes, which in Latin means both host and guest, because it was used to express the interchange, the connection between the two – you cannot be a guest without a hist, or a host without a guest.

This immediately made sense to me. There is such pleasure in preparing a meal for somebody and it being appreciated, or just welcoming them in with a cup of coffee and a biscuit and having lively conversation.

And of course, being the guest is lovely when someone makes you feel welcome and has metaphorically opened their arms to you.

Appreciating both sides of this true hospitality creates a feeling of warmth and affection, which we all need. This is interaction at its best and deserves more recognition.

So often we take the whole process for granted, but I think it’s worth taking a moment to appreciate a welcome and to appreciate the warm reaction when you make someone welcome.

Let’s be truly hospitable and spread a little more warmth in the world.

WHAT IS INTELLIGENCE

Ways of Remembering,

I read an article recently that was bemoaning the fact that people want to show off what they know about and outdo one another on intellect. Where I disagreed with the author was in his conflation of intellect with intelligence.

To me, there is a massive difference between them. Intellect is linked to being able to accumulate knowledge, a left-brain activity. Intelligence is the ability to make connections between different things – it is more linked to wisdom.

An intellectual may wish to demonstrate how clever they are, but someone with intelligence is more likely to consider the impact that may have on others. Their left-brain activity is balanced by the right brain’s ability to put things into a broader context.

Furthermore, the two aspects of thinking do not necessarily occur together. I have met intellectuals who are what we call narrow-minded – focussed on particulars but quite unaware of the possibility of other perspectives. And there are many people who have limited formal education yet display an enviable level of intelligence.

We talk about the wisdom of elders: those who have learnt from experience how to weigh up facts and opinions, how to put things in perspective, how to use intuition and feeling as well as facts. This is a wisdom we can all develop and is what gives us intelligence.

Being intellectual can be useful in specific contexts, but developing our intelligence is far more useful when navigating our lives.

APPRECIATE THIS DAY

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I am old enough to know that this could be the last time that I see this friend, that I visit a place I love, that I see an amazing movie or play or concert, that I have the joy of the season’s flowers in my garden.

I wish I had realised it earlier in my life, so that I ‘squeezed the juice’ out of all the wonders and delights that we rush through when we are younger.

Today, I can wish I were a young woman again, I can try to clear all my emails, I can be cross because it’s raining. Or I can enjoy a slow, peaceful start to the day, watch the birds at the feeders, read some of my book, and notice the soothing sound of the rain on my conservatory roof. My choice.

Do I notice the negatives in my day, or do I appreciate the good things that I can easily find if I care to look for them?

If I treat each day as if it were my last, each visit as if it were the last, my life becomes full of riches.

So today, stop for a moment and notice the beauty, the wonder, the smiles and laughter, and truly appreciate them. Choose to make it a good day.

I WONDER

Ways of Remembering,

I prefer the phrase ‘I wonder’ to either ‘I hope’ or ‘I fear’ when we are talking about future possibilities.

Hope and fear both express doubt to some extent, but are also an emotional investment in the outcome. They mean we are attached to a particular result.

On the other hand, wondering what will happen expresses curiosity, and interest in the outcome without a drive for a particular answer,

Notice how differently our minds react, in simple everyday things: ‘ I hope it doesn’t rain all day’, or ‘I fear it’s going to rain all day’, as opposed to:’ I wonder if it will rain all day’.

With the first two phrases, we will be disappointed if it does rain all day. When we wonder, we aren’t looking for any particular answer, and are just curious to see what happens, ready to be surprised, no matter which way it goes.

There is a lovely line in a Paul Simon song: ‘This is the age of miracles and wonder’. It conjures up the magic of not always knowing or understanding, but being able to delight in whatever turns out.

Children are great at wondering, being fascinated by whatever happens, because it is inherent in us as humans. If we didn’t wonder, we wouldn’t create or invent or innovate; life would be very boring if everything were predictable and as it has always been.

Originally, the word meant surprise, astonishment – recognition of the unpredictability of nature, of people, of the future. How lovely to be constantly surprised by how things are rather than relieved or disappointed.

I think wondering is wonderful!

WE NEED COMMUNITY FOR OUR HEALTH

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Not so long ago, most people lived in a community, where you knew your neighbours, chatted to people in the local shops, had friends who lived nearby. These days, many people are isolated to a large extent, working from home, moving from house to car and back again, shopping online, and often not even knowing their neighbours.

They may claim to have a lot of ‘friends’ on social media, but this does not give us the same (or sometimes any) health benefits.

We were designed to be social animals, so in person social interaction increases our health-giving hormones, and that keeps us healthier for longer.

Keeping in touch with friends, getting to know our neighbours, talking to the person at the bus stop or checkout, are all ways of enhancing our own health and theirs too.

Joining a group or class where people share an interest or have shared experiences can be very valuable – often a place to make new friends.

At the very least, phone people you know rather than text. The conversation will always be more satisfying than in text, and we gain the tone of the voice which, assuming it’s pleasant, also elicits those hormones.

It is considered a punishment to keep someone in isolation, so why would we do it to ourselves? There are lots of people out there willing to have a conversation or even become friends and we could all benefit.

TIME AND MOTION OR HUMAN?

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There was a period in the 1950’s and 60’s when organisations were obsessed with time and motion studies, to supposedly improve efficiency and productivity. The researchers observed people at work and recorded how they wasted time and moved unnecessarily, then making recommendations to reduce their ‘waste’. It certainly had an impact, but not the desired one.

They had missed one vital element out of the equation: these were not robots, they were humans. To be effective as human beings, we need to interact, be comfortable, stop sometimes and take a break, and feel good about what we are doing.

Yet sometimes we all do a time and motion study on ourselves. We set ourselves inherently impossible targets and then feel bad because we don’t achieve them, but we have forgotten to take into account the fact we are human.

It may seem logical to assume we can deal with 50 emails in an hour – after all, some of them will just need to be deleted. However, it’s a very boring task, and it only takes one that’s more complex to deal with to put us off, make us decide we need a cup of coffee, or that something else is more important.

The same thing applies to cleaning the whole house, weeding the back garden, writing the whole report in one go. Logically, they needn’t take long, but we’re human, and feelings also come into it.

There is an alternative. Set yourself a target that is easy to achieve in a small amount of time. And we are often so pleased with ourselves that we go beyond the target and feel even more chuffed!

Allow yourself time for breaks, for not really being in the mood, for having a chat with someone, and you will get more done and feel better about it.

You’re not a machine, so allow yourself to be human.