THE INGREDIENTS OF MY LIFE

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In any recipe, there are essential ingredients and others that can be varied according to your taste. The same thing applies to creating for ourselves our unique version of a life well-lived.

We all need some basics: some form of physical activity and a reasonable diet to keep our bodies as healthy as possible; we also need some form of mental stimulation through our work, or reading, or lively conversations; and we need emotional connection with others to feed our ability to love and laugh and feel a sense oof belonging; we also need, of course, some way of supporting ourselves financially.

Even with these essential ingredients, we can vary them to suit our own tastes. We’re not all going to go to the gym daily, do a Masters degree, or have a large family!

And once we have the essentials in place, we can begin to add in the extra ingredients which make our recipe for life unique and delicious. These may be hobbies, interests, passions we have, or activities that give us particular pleasure. We may want to have adventures or times of peace and quiet. We may want things that distract us from the less enjoyable aspects of our lives. We may want to try something different, to see if it adds a good flavour to our recipe.

There may be some parts of our life that are not ideal, although essential. But we also have lots of areas where we can make choices to improve that life we’re creating.

So have a look, now and then, at the recipe of your life, and see if you can make it even tastier and more delightful for yourself.

ARE YOU PAYING ATTENTION?

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I remember when I was a teacher, one of my students throwing a pencil at me. I told him off and his retort was: ‘At least I got your attention for a moment!’ I realised that I had got it wrong, not him, if he had to misbehave for me to notice him. Yet we’re all quite poor at paying attention to what’s going on.

Most of us get used to half-listening: to the news, to some tv programmes, to other people’s conversations. Our mind is really elsewhere, but occasionally a word or phrase will catch our attention. And that’s fine in those circumstances.

However, it’s not so good when we’re having a conversation ourselves with someone. We all know instinctively when someone is only half-listening. Some people just stop talking, others try all sorts of tacks to see if they can gain our attention. And we all feel deprived, dismissed by the other person.

Proper attention to someone is a real gift we can give. It not only makes them feel valued, it also often gives us insights, a closer relationship with them, and enables us to appreciate them more.

Real attention means keeping your focus on their words, but also the nuances of those words, and the non-verbal signals they give off as well. It occupies not just our minds, but also our guts and our heart.

And a little attention goes a long way. Five minutes of real attention is more valuable than thirty minutes of half-hearted listening. If we pay attention at the start of the conversation, we will know instinctively whether we need to continue or we can drift a bit.

So give those around you a bit more attention – it’s the gift we all want and need.

YOU CAN DISAGREE WITHOUT BEING DISAGREEABLE

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What’s the most annoying thing someone can say to you? For me I think it’s ‘you’re wrong’. It immediately puts my back up.

We seem to live in a world where conflict, nastiness, blame, trolling, have become the norm and I find that sad. We are bound to have different opinions on things, but we often don’t dare to say what we think for fear of being shouted down, literally or metaphorically.

Yet the places where we differ are the most interesting spots. After all, if we all agreed about everything, we would live in a very boring world, and we would have no incentive to develop our ideas.

Disagreeing respectfully allows both sides to clarify their thoughts, and learn how others have reached their own conclusions. It can lead us to adapt our own thoughts or develop them further to enhance our case. And we are far more likely to influence someone else’s ideas if we make an effort to understand why they are saying what they are saying and why they have drawn the conclusions they have.

Even if we agree to disagree, we can still have enhanced our relationship with that person by respecting their view and allowing them their say.

Of course, I have sometimes disagreed disagreeably – there are some things I feel so strongly about that I can’t help but tell someone that I think they’re wrong. But overall, I gain more from respect for others’ viewpoint than I ever have from the momentary satisfaction of making someone wrong.

So if you disagree with me on this, it would be lovely if you could discuss it or debate it with me, rather than being disagreeable!

THE LAW OF RESONANCE

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I remember how popular it was in the 60’s and 70’s to talk about ‘vibes’ – good and bad vibrations. This is the law of resonance. Resonance originally means that similar sounds to those you send out will come back to you – echoes if you will. It applies to any form of energy wave, which means it includes our emotional energies, our physical energies, our mental energies.

We all know that when we’re ‘off’ in one of these forms of energy, others can seem to catch it from us, or the universe seems to send us more reasons to stay ‘off’ – the law of resonance at work.

It’s also reflected in the way social media algorithms work:  you show some interest in a particular perspective and you get more of the same sort of thing, tempting you further along that path.

We are often unaware of how powerfully we affect our own perspective on the world, through the ‘vibrations’ we are sending out, and consider ourselves instead to be the victim of circumstance. But we can change the story.

We are creating self-fulfilling prophecies, so let’s make them good ones most of the time! By being aware of the law of resonance, we can interrupt its negative power.

When the vibe feels bad, we can stop and check: is it us who’s setting it off, or someone we’re around? If it’s someone else creating a resonance in us, we can choose to disengage, move away. If it’s us, we can make a deliberate effort to change our state, and change the vibe.

And when the vibe feels good, the same check applies. If someone else is the source, that’s a great person to be around! And if it’s us, let’s amplify it and increase the good vibes in the world.

THOUGHT VIRUSES

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We’ve heard a lot about viruses over the last few years, but no-one mentions the one that all of us suffer from on a fairly regular basis – it’s thought viruses.

We all have our own particular thought viruses: stories we tell ourselves that put ‘the fear of God into us’, as my mum would say. They’re the thoughts that trigger us into a state of fear or anxiety, usually about something that hasn’t actually happened, but we fear might.

There are also ones that take hold more widely in our cultures, which is how racism, sexism etc become so prevalent.

They all operate a double negative for us:

  1. Once there, we look for evidence that they’re likely to be true, in our own past, and in what we see and hear around us, so we build their hold on us.
  2. They affect our physical, mental and emotional well-being and increase our negative feelings and stress levels.

Like other viruses, we need to find a way to recover from them, and help ourselves to develop an immunity.

Firstly, we need to recognise we have them. Those recurring anxieties about our health or certain meetings, or something bad happening, all show us where they are.

Secondly, we need to start to exert some control over them. Look for evidence to the contrary: how many times in the past they weren’t true, how illogical most of them are.

Thirdly, we need to actively challenge them. When one pops its head up, we need to say: ‘Not you again! You’re not a fact, you’re a figment of my imagination. Go away, I don’t want you any more.’

Lastly, we need to laugh at them, because that is a fine way to reduce their power over us.

Thought viruses can spoil our happiness and peace of mind. Let’s choose not to let them.

THE POWER OF INTENTION

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Last time, I wrote about setting intentions for the year rather than resolutions. By chance, I decided to clear up one of those piles of folders that I believe we all accumulate, and amongst them I found a stock of my intentions which went back twenty years.

I sat and read through them and was immediately reminded of just how powerful they are. I usually forget what I’ve written down until the next time, and then adjust them to help me move on some more. What I hadn’t really realised before is just how much progress I have made on so many elements of how I want to improve.

This is not because I have been deliberate or conscientious about it. As I said, I usually forget what I have written within a month. It is because intentions are like a direct command to your unconscious. They seep into your way of thinking about things and play a part in how you make decisions, how you act. I knew this theoretically, but here was the proof.

Just that act of writing down how you want to feel in general, and then some things you intend to do more or less of is enough to help you improve your life without a lot of effort.

And even at a simple level they work just as well. Setting your intentions for how you want a conversation to go, or an encounter, or a day, can make a positive difference without consciously trying. It is a powerful use of our unconscious that makes life easier, so do experiment with it.

INTENTIONS FOR THE YEAR

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I always think that New Year resolutions are a form of self-flagellation – promising to do or not do something that you’re almost bound to fail at!

So I prefer to set an intention for the year: how I want it to feel overall. From that, I can decide to do more of some things and less of others, to match my intention.

For example, if my intention is to feel happy and fulfilled – always a useful intention! – then it is easy to see what does and doesn’t make me feel that way and begin to make these less and more adjustments to my life.

It leads to a gradual improvement in how my life feels and gives me a simple measure to keep adjusting week by week.

Sometimes of course, I’ll slip and have a ‘bad week’ but that’s just part of the process and I can have another go the following week. It’s simple, it’s gentle and it is a kinder way of making my life work even better.

If you’ve had the same New Year resolutions over and over again and failed, why not try setting intentions instead, and give yourself a chance to succeed.

KINDNESS

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It seems right to remind ourselves at this time of year that there is a lot of kindness in people. The news is full of disaster, woes, hardship, and it is easy to feel that that is all there is.

Yet every day I experience or witness acts of kindness – it is a constant. It may be something apparently small: someone reaching a tin from the top shelves of a supermarket for another who can’t reach there; or it may be a big act of generosity and thoughtfulness, like funding free school meals for a year, so children get at least one hot meal a day.

It doesn’t matter. They all add up to a lot of kindness in the world and it is important to remember this, and put it into the balance against the incompetence, cruelty and difficulties so many face.

So let’s play our part. Whenever we can, let us add our small acts of kindness to the balance. And when others show us kindness, let us fully appreciate it and not take it for granted.

It will help us all to feel better and keep our faith that things can improve. May you have a joyous peaceful Christmas, and may 2023 bring better times, with even more kindness and compassion.

INSPIRING PEOPLE

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I was watching an interview with Greta Thunberg the other day, and as ever found her inspiring. I have met several inspiring people in my life and they have influenced how I think and act. It makes me wonder what differentiates them. It is not their educational background or particular interests or viewpoints. So what is it? people who inspire us seem so diverse, yet clearly have some things in common.

I would suggest that the first thing they have in common is that their ‘causes’ are heartfelt. They believe with all their being in what they are supporting or doing or being. They have adopted it because they can’t not.

This is confirmed by the fact that they don’t just talk the talk, they walk the talk too. Think of David Attenborough for example, who could have retired from public life years ago, but chooses to continue to come out and support anything that may help to save our planet from climate change and diversity loss.

And they express their views in ways that we can relate to. They make it simple, clear and relevant to our own lives.

Finally, their ordinary humanity shines through. However serious or important their topic may be, they have a sense of humour, and an admittance of their own human frailty. Whether we agree with their particular viewpoint or not, they can inspire us to adopt these behaviours , to find our own ways of inspiring others.

THE BASICS

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It is impossible to enable people to thrive and be the best they can be without the basics that allow us to live to our universal values. I can’t quite believe that we haven’t found a way to ensure that everyone has these fundamental needs met in our so-called civilised democracy.

We take these things for granted if we have them, but they are pre-requisites if we want to be able to move beyond mere survival as being all we think or care about.

  1. A place to call home. Everyone needs some form of shelter where they can be safe, keep their belongings, sleep, cook their food, keep themselves clean and be warm.
  2. Enough to eat and drink. There is an excess of food in the world, yet people are going hungry and doing without a warm drink.
  3. Access to healthcare. When the NHS was set up in this country, it transformed people’s lives. Now it is under-funded and over-stretched. Yet access to healthcare enables people to stay healthy and earn their living or care for their family.
  4. Education and training. It is proven that people will use their talents to improve their lives if we ensure that they have the opportunity to develop in their own way. Again, we have a good education system, but it is biased towards those who are academic, rather than those who have other forms of talent.
  5. Work that gives people recognition for what they can do and a fair wage. In this day and age, no-one should have to do two jobs with no security of tenure and still not be able to have a reasonable standard of living.
  6. A benefits and care system that supports those who can’t make their own way. There should always be a strong safety net for those who, for whatever reason, cannot be totally independent.

All this may sound like a utopia when we look at it from where we are now, yet it is both possible and essential, if we are to be a place where people have hope and can thrive. It is proven to be possible because all these aspects of thriving as a society have been put into practice in small pockets at different times and places. We could all learn well from some of our history.

It is also essential because without these fundamentals, we cannot hope for a thriving economy, where people can have the opportunity to make their contribution and have dignity and respect.

We live in the 21st century. It is time we learned how to be truly civilised and compassionate, and give everyone a chance to thrive.

This feels like common sense to me – isn’t it time we started to ask our governments to sort out the basics, so we can all thrive?