Tag Archives: relating to others

AGE AND WISDOM

Ways of Remembering,

We all know how old we are, chronologically (well, most of us do!), but perhaps more telling is how we behave and think.

There are those who are old before their time, becoming set in their ways, and retiring into a fixed way of seeing things. There are also some who want to keep learning and developing, who are fun to be around, who make the most of their lives.

When it comes to wisdom, there is even more disparity. It isn’t necessarily a corollary of being older.

There are some who seem to be born with wisdom – we call them ‘old souls’ – who go through the normal stages of growing up, yet have an innate sense of values and perspective.

And there are others who become adults, but don’t really become grown-ups. They hold on to a black and white way of thinking, and prejudices and beliefs they absorbed as children.

And there is a third category: those who develop and learn from their experiences of life, becoming wiser, more nuanced in their thinking, as they grow older.

There is a tendency, if we are in this third category, to judge those who haven’t really grown up. We think they’re stupid or wrong. But maybe they are just ‘young souls’, and we could recognise them as such and allow them some leeway, just as we would if they were still a child.

Wouldn’t that be a kinder and more nuanced perspective?

THE SMALL ACTS OF KINDNESS

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We all notice the big acts of kindness that we give and receive, but perhaps the most important ones are the small, unnoticed ones.

Sometimes my days have lots of them in. I may reach something down from the supermarket shelf for someone shorter than me. Someone tells me to go ahead of them in the checkout queue because I only have a few items. A door is held open for me. A bus driver waits for me to reach the bus stop. Someone moves along so that I can sit by them on the bench. I take some of my fresh tomatoes from the garden to my neighbour. The list could go on and on.

I do notice them for two reasons. Firstly, they make my day that little bit brighter – they always have a positive impact, whether they are a giving or a receiving.

Secondly, they come from an automatic place. They are not a deliberate, thought through reaction, intended to prompt a thank you, or appreciation. They are just one human being reacting to another from a caring place. And this makes me optimistic about us as human beings.

We all notice if someone is rude, or pushes past us, or is behaving badly. We also need to notice those small unrecognised acts of kindness – they happen far more often.

LOVE IS ALL

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Part of a line from an old Beatles song, but how true, when it comes down to it. Whatever else is going on, love endures. It doesn’t cost anything, it doesn’t demand anything, it just pervades even the worst of situations, if we let it.

I was reminded of this last weekend, when my son and now daughter-in-law got married.

We had a perfect day, full of lovely people, beautiful ceremony, heaps of joy and laughter. Love permeated everything and everyone was wearing it like a natural second skin.

The effect of this is that our perspective is altered. We enjoy our food more, we appreciate the beauty of flowers more, we smile more and respond more positively to everyone and everything.

And it isn’t romantic love – it is the deeper love that is a part of our nature that we sometimes forget.

At an event like that, it is easier to be aware of love’s power, but its power is in our everyday too. The meal cooked with love, the affection towards our family and friends, the kind comment even to strangers, the noticing of positivity from others, the listening to people who are having difficulties – there is nothing we do that isn’t made better by a little love.

Give it, receive it, spread it, because it really is all.

TELL THEM, SHOW THEM NOW

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I read something recently that reminded me of what really matters in this world of ours, where we get taken over by tasks and things we need to do. It was the question: ‘If you discovered that you only had an hour left to live, what would you do?’

Stop and think for a moment. You wouldn’t tidy up, or complain about the state of the world, or hurry to get to work, would you? I believe, as did the author, that we would all want to be with loved ones, or at least call them, and tell them that we love them.

It reminds us of what really matters above all else – loving and being loved.

Yet how often do we express that in our everyday lives? We are so busy getting on with life that we take it for granted that others know that we love them.

It can seem a bit soppy, even formulaic, to say “I love you’ or to give someone a hug. And sometimes they are causing us temporary irritation and that shows more than the fundamental love we feel towards them.

Hope fully we all have more than an hour to live, but that is no excuse for not bothering to say that you love someone, or not stopping to give them a hug. Both of you will feel that deep connection that underlies everything else, and have a moment of remembering what really matters.

So hug them today and tell them that you love them, and do it again and again. Then you will know, when you do reach the end of your life, that you have shown your love over and over.

MORE IN COMMON

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In these times of so much conflict, hatred, division, it is more important than ever to remind ourselves that we are all human beings. When will humankind recognise that we are so much more alike than different? I sometimes despair at the prejudice against people who are considered to be ‘not of our tribe’, whether that be to do with colour, creed, politics, way of dressing, or just not from here.

It would be so much easier to live with each other if instead we had a prejudice towards others who also share our emotions, our basic needs, our common humanity.

Of course, there are differences. Even with one group, there will always be those who are outside the norm for one reason or another, and there will always be what are now called ‘bad actors’ and heroes, as well as the rest of us. But the rest of us are the majority, and our differences create interest, variety, and an opportunity to learn from each other. Life would be very boring if we were all ‘Stepford wives’.

When I was younger, I moved to Birmingham, to an area which was primarily Pakistani and West Indian families. I didn’t know much about any of their cultures, and at first, I was a bit worried about how we would fit in.

What I discovered was kindness, generosity, and a great chance to expand my horizons, through learning about their worlds: their food, their traditions, their approach to life. And how much we had in common. I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.

We call ourselves human beings, yet we still regard some others as ‘aliens’ – not really human like us. Come on world, wake up to the fact that we all deserve to be treated as fellow human beings.

HUMANKIND

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Somehow, we seem to be in a phase where we are divided into separate camps and every camp believes that they are right and the others are wrong in some way. It seems to support the theory that human beings are essentially nasty, greedy, selfish.

This is made worse by the fact that the ‘news’ tells us all about the worst behaviours of ithers, and hardly mentions the myriad of acts of kindness and compassion that are also happening at the same time.

Yet just about everyone experiences, on a daily basis, the kind, unselfish, helpful aspects of other human beings through small acts of goodness. We don’t feel hatred or dismissiveness about those we know or make a connection with, and we don’t feel prejudice towards then on the basis of appearance, religion, politics or status.

And if all these people we know are ‘good people’, what on earth is the logic of assuming that most other people aren’t? Logic would tell us that the vast majority are just like us and our friends and family as human beings, doing our best to navigate our lives.

Maybe at this time of year we could decide to treat everyone as we would like to be treated and believe in the essential goodness of human nature. With that attitude, we humankind could change the world for ever and for better.

Have a kindly, joyous and peaceful Christmas break.

Di

TRUE HOSPITALITY

Ways of Remembering, ,

I read a fascinating article recently about the real meaning of hospitality, and it made me realise how far we have moved away from that when we now use the word as a description for a type of business.

The etymology of the word is hospes, which in Latin means both host and guest, because it was used to express the interchange, the connection between the two – you cannot be a guest without a hist, or a host without a guest.

This immediately made sense to me. There is such pleasure in preparing a meal for somebody and it being appreciated, or just welcoming them in with a cup of coffee and a biscuit and having lively conversation.

And of course, being the guest is lovely when someone makes you feel welcome and has metaphorically opened their arms to you.

Appreciating both sides of this true hospitality creates a feeling of warmth and affection, which we all need. This is interaction at its best and deserves more recognition.

So often we take the whole process for granted, but I think it’s worth taking a moment to appreciate a welcome and to appreciate the warm reaction when you make someone welcome.

Let’s be truly hospitable and spread a little more warmth in the world.

WE NEED COMMUNITY FOR OUR HEALTH

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Not so long ago, most people lived in a community, where you knew your neighbours, chatted to people in the local shops, had friends who lived nearby. These days, many people are isolated to a large extent, working from home, moving from house to car and back again, shopping online, and often not even knowing their neighbours.

They may claim to have a lot of ‘friends’ on social media, but this does not give us the same (or sometimes any) health benefits.

We were designed to be social animals, so in person social interaction increases our health-giving hormones, and that keeps us healthier for longer.

Keeping in touch with friends, getting to know our neighbours, talking to the person at the bus stop or checkout, are all ways of enhancing our own health and theirs too.

Joining a group or class where people share an interest or have shared experiences can be very valuable – often a place to make new friends.

At the very least, phone people you know rather than text. The conversation will always be more satisfying than in text, and we gain the tone of the voice which, assuming it’s pleasant, also elicits those hormones.

It is considered a punishment to keep someone in isolation, so why would we do it to ourselves? There are lots of people out there willing to have a conversation or even become friends and we could all benefit.

A LIFE SPENT WELL

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I was listening to the commentary on the late pope when he died, and reflecting on how people are talked about by others after their death.

Above all, he was described as kind, meek, ready to speak out about injustice or cruelty – the wrongs in the world – and not egotistical. It was how he was as a person that as emphasised, not his role or achievements.

To me, this is a life spent well. We don’t need to achieve extraordinary things, we need to be the best person we can be, no matter what our circumstances, and we need to feel good abut how we have lived our lives.

It’s not what we do or achieve that others value us for, it’s how we are as a person: our behaviour, our attitudes, our way of going about things.

And this is something we can all work on and develop throughout our lives. We can ask ourselves if we are behaving with compassion or a lack of thought; if we are looking after ourselves as well as others or just barging on; if we call out unfairness and injustice or stand back and thereby silently endorse it; if we look for reasons to be optimistic and hopeful, or fall for the general pessimism about life and humans; if we are being the best we can be or we can’t be bothered.

I would like to believe that when I die, I can say that I have spent my life well, not because of what I have done, but because of how I have been, wouldn’t you?

THE LOVE HORMONE

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This is not some new supplement that we need to go out and buy. Its name is oxytocin, and we produce it naturally, whenever we feel love or connection, with other people, or with nature, animals etc., and lots when we hug.

It is a magical potion for us, improving our health and well-being, without any effort on our part. It improves our digestive system, it speeds up wound healing and it’s very good for the heart, so it’s a prevalent hormone throughout our bodies, and very busy looking after us!

Oxytocin also affects how we view other people. It makes us warmer towards others, more generous, and more trusting, which in turn improves our relationships with others and produces yet more of the hormone, not just in us, but also in them.

And it’s so easy to create all those great effects: any heart-centred gentleness, kindness, or affection does it automatically. So why wouldn’t we hug our friends, and family, love our pets, nurture our plants? It’s the perfect selfish act!

So next time you hesitate before giving someone a hug, get in there. Next time you get impatient at the checkout, smile at the till operator instead. Next time you’re out walking, stop and stroke a tree trunk, smell a flower. It will keep you healthy and happy.

(Thanks to David Hamilton for doing the research on this topic)