Tag Archives: relating to others

LOVE IS ALL

Ways of Remembering, , ,

Part of a line from an old Beatles song, but how true, when it comes down to it. Whatever else is going on, love endures. It doesn’t cost anything, it doesn’t demand anything, it just pervades even the worst of situations, if we let it.

I was reminded of this last weekend, when my son and now daughter-in-law got married.

We had a perfect day, full of lovely people, beautiful ceremony, heaps of joy and laughter. Love permeated everything and everyone was wearing it like a natural second skin.

The effect of this is that our perspective is altered. We enjoy our food more, we appreciate the beauty of flowers more, we smile more and respond more positively to everyone and everything.

And it isn’t romantic love – it is the deeper love that is a part of our nature that we sometimes forget.

At an event like that, it is easier to be aware of love’s power, but its power is in our everyday too. The meal cooked with love, the affection towards our family and friends, the kind comment even to strangers, the noticing of positivity from others, the listening to people who are having difficulties – there is nothing we do that isn’t made better by a little love.

Give it, receive it, spread it, because it really is all.

TELL THEM, SHOW THEM NOW

Ways of Remembering, , ,

I read something recently that reminded me of what really matters in this world of ours, where we get taken over by tasks and things we need to do. It was the question: ‘If you discovered that you only had an hour left to live, what would you do?’

Stop and think for a moment. You wouldn’t tidy up, or complain about the state of the world, or hurry to get to work, would you? I believe, as did the author, that we would all want to be with loved ones, or at least call them, and tell them that we love them.

It reminds us of what really matters above all else – loving and being loved.

Yet how often do we express that in our everyday lives? We are so busy getting on with life that we take it for granted that others know that we love them.

It can seem a bit soppy, even formulaic, to say “I love you’ or to give someone a hug. And sometimes they are causing us temporary irritation and that shows more than the fundamental love we feel towards them.

Hope fully we all have more than an hour to live, but that is no excuse for not bothering to say that you love someone, or not stopping to give them a hug. Both of you will feel that deep connection that underlies everything else, and have a moment of remembering what really matters.

So hug them today and tell them that you love them, and do it again and again. Then you will know, when you do reach the end of your life, that you have shown your love over and over.

MORE IN COMMON

Ways of Remembering, , ,

In these times of so much conflict, hatred, division, it is more important than ever to remind ourselves that we are all human beings. When will humankind recognise that we are so much more alike than different? I sometimes despair at the prejudice against people who are considered to be ‘not of our tribe’, whether that be to do with colour, creed, politics, way of dressing, or just not from here.

It would be so much easier to live with each other if instead we had a prejudice towards others who also share our emotions, our basic needs, our common humanity.

Of course, there are differences. Even with one group, there will always be those who are outside the norm for one reason or another, and there will always be what are now called ‘bad actors’ and heroes, as well as the rest of us. But the rest of us are the majority, and our differences create interest, variety, and an opportunity to learn from each other. Life would be very boring if we were all ‘Stepford wives’.

When I was younger, I moved to Birmingham, to an area which was primarily Pakistani and West Indian families. I didn’t know much about any of their cultures, and at first, I was a bit worried about how we would fit in.

What I discovered was kindness, generosity, and a great chance to expand my horizons, through learning about their worlds: their food, their traditions, their approach to life. And how much we had in common. I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.

We call ourselves human beings, yet we still regard some others as ‘aliens’ – not really human like us. Come on world, wake up to the fact that we all deserve to be treated as fellow human beings.

HUMANKIND

Ways of Remembering, ,

Somehow, we seem to be in a phase where we are divided into separate camps and every camp believes that they are right and the others are wrong in some way. It seems to support the theory that human beings are essentially nasty, greedy, selfish.

This is made worse by the fact that the ‘news’ tells us all about the worst behaviours of ithers, and hardly mentions the myriad of acts of kindness and compassion that are also happening at the same time.

Yet just about everyone experiences, on a daily basis, the kind, unselfish, helpful aspects of other human beings through small acts of goodness. We don’t feel hatred or dismissiveness about those we know or make a connection with, and we don’t feel prejudice towards then on the basis of appearance, religion, politics or status.

And if all these people we know are ‘good people’, what on earth is the logic of assuming that most other people aren’t? Logic would tell us that the vast majority are just like us and our friends and family as human beings, doing our best to navigate our lives.

Maybe at this time of year we could decide to treat everyone as we would like to be treated and believe in the essential goodness of human nature. With that attitude, we humankind could change the world for ever and for better.

Have a kindly, joyous and peaceful Christmas break.

Di

TRUE HOSPITALITY

Ways of Remembering, ,

I read a fascinating article recently about the real meaning of hospitality, and it made me realise how far we have moved away from that when we now use the word as a description for a type of business.

The etymology of the word is hospes, which in Latin means both host and guest, because it was used to express the interchange, the connection between the two – you cannot be a guest without a hist, or a host without a guest.

This immediately made sense to me. There is such pleasure in preparing a meal for somebody and it being appreciated, or just welcoming them in with a cup of coffee and a biscuit and having lively conversation.

And of course, being the guest is lovely when someone makes you feel welcome and has metaphorically opened their arms to you.

Appreciating both sides of this true hospitality creates a feeling of warmth and affection, which we all need. This is interaction at its best and deserves more recognition.

So often we take the whole process for granted, but I think it’s worth taking a moment to appreciate a welcome and to appreciate the warm reaction when you make someone welcome.

Let’s be truly hospitable and spread a little more warmth in the world.

WE NEED COMMUNITY FOR OUR HEALTH

Ways of Remembering, ,

Not so long ago, most people lived in a community, where you knew your neighbours, chatted to people in the local shops, had friends who lived nearby. These days, many people are isolated to a large extent, working from home, moving from house to car and back again, shopping online, and often not even knowing their neighbours.

They may claim to have a lot of ‘friends’ on social media, but this does not give us the same (or sometimes any) health benefits.

We were designed to be social animals, so in person social interaction increases our health-giving hormones, and that keeps us healthier for longer.

Keeping in touch with friends, getting to know our neighbours, talking to the person at the bus stop or checkout, are all ways of enhancing our own health and theirs too.

Joining a group or class where people share an interest or have shared experiences can be very valuable – often a place to make new friends.

At the very least, phone people you know rather than text. The conversation will always be more satisfying than in text, and we gain the tone of the voice which, assuming it’s pleasant, also elicits those hormones.

It is considered a punishment to keep someone in isolation, so why would we do it to ourselves? There are lots of people out there willing to have a conversation or even become friends and we could all benefit.

A LIFE SPENT WELL

Ways of Remembering, , , ,

I was listening to the commentary on the late pope when he died, and reflecting on how people are talked about by others after their death.

Above all, he was described as kind, meek, ready to speak out about injustice or cruelty – the wrongs in the world – and not egotistical. It was how he was as a person that as emphasised, not his role or achievements.

To me, this is a life spent well. We don’t need to achieve extraordinary things, we need to be the best person we can be, no matter what our circumstances, and we need to feel good abut how we have lived our lives.

It’s not what we do or achieve that others value us for, it’s how we are as a person: our behaviour, our attitudes, our way of going about things.

And this is something we can all work on and develop throughout our lives. We can ask ourselves if we are behaving with compassion or a lack of thought; if we are looking after ourselves as well as others or just barging on; if we call out unfairness and injustice or stand back and thereby silently endorse it; if we look for reasons to be optimistic and hopeful, or fall for the general pessimism about life and humans; if we are being the best we can be or we can’t be bothered.

I would like to believe that when I die, I can say that I have spent my life well, not because of what I have done, but because of how I have been, wouldn’t you?

THE LOVE HORMONE

Ways of Remembering, , , ,

This is not some new supplement that we need to go out and buy. Its name is oxytocin, and we produce it naturally, whenever we feel love or connection, with other people, or with nature, animals etc., and lots when we hug.

It is a magical potion for us, improving our health and well-being, without any effort on our part. It improves our digestive system, it speeds up wound healing and it’s very good for the heart, so it’s a prevalent hormone throughout our bodies, and very busy looking after us!

Oxytocin also affects how we view other people. It makes us warmer towards others, more generous, and more trusting, which in turn improves our relationships with others and produces yet more of the hormone, not just in us, but also in them.

And it’s so easy to create all those great effects: any heart-centred gentleness, kindness, or affection does it automatically. So why wouldn’t we hug our friends, and family, love our pets, nurture our plants? It’s the perfect selfish act!

So next time you hesitate before giving someone a hug, get in there. Next time you get impatient at the checkout, smile at the till operator instead. Next time you’re out walking, stop and stroke a tree trunk, smell a flower. It will keep you healthy and happy.

(Thanks to David Hamilton for doing the research on this topic)

ROLE MODELS

Ways of Remembering,

I was watching a programme with Miriam Margolyes a while ago. She delights me: she’s outspoken, heartfelt, funny, honest – totally her own person. She is the sort of role model I like, as I grow older.

I believe we all have role models, whether we realise it or not. We follow the example of others, and different ones work for us at different stages of our lives, and ideally, they set the example for how we want to be.

When we are young, we tend to adopt the attitudes, behaviours, and beliefs of our parents. We’ve all had that experience, haven’t we, of going: ‘Oh my God! I sound just like my mother/father!’ – usually a bit horrified…

As we reach adulthood, we have more choices, and it is useful to choose with some awareness. Do they have similar beliefs and attitudes to you? Do they have some similar personality traits? And do they seem happy with how they are, comfortable in their own skin?

There is no point in choosing role models that are nothing like you – it won’t fit, no matter how hard you try to adopt their way of being. At best, it will make you feel divorced from your true self, even if you succeed in making yourself into some form of replica.

Having role models is a great way of encouraging yourself to grow into who you really are. They need to be like you, but a bit further along the path of growing into themselves.

Just watching them, listening to them, reading about them, helps to grow those traits in yourself that you want to develop.

Have some fun. Choose some role models for yourself as you are now, and enjoy becoming more like the you you really are.

THE GOOD SIDE OF PREJUDICE

Ways of Remembering, ,

Being prejudiced is always seen as a bad thing. We think of people who are racist or sexist or homophobic etc. when we talk of people who are prejudiced.

Yet the word simply means making a judgement in advance and we all use prejudice all the time.

We ‘know’ if we are going to be bored in the meeting, or if we’re going to find something difficult to handle. We equally ‘know’ if we’re going to enjoy an event we’re attending or if we’re going to find something easy.

Our prejudices help us to navigate the world without having to start every experience from scratch and are based on previous experiences and things we’ve been told.

What we’re not aware of is the effect our prejudices have on how we approach whatever it is. If I think it’s going to be hard or unpleasant, I go into it with that mindset, looking for the evidence that I was right, and sometimes actually creating the proof I am looking for.

The opposite is equally true. If I expect it to be fun, easy, pleasant, that’s what I look for and help create. We tend to get what we expect to get – our prejudice.

So let’s approach as much as we can with useful prejudices: it will be interesting, enjoyable, easy; most people are friendly and helpful; I can usually work things out.

If we use positive prejudices to make our lives easier, we will get the best out of most situations.