Tag Archives: useful thinking

WHAT’S YOUR MIND FULL OF?

Ways of Remembering,

I’ve never been very keen on the concept of mindfulness – it somehow suggests that we have to work hard to fill our minds with good stuff, whatever that is. I know it is supposed to be about quieting the busy mind, and paying full attention to whatever is right now, but it doesn’t seem to capture the spirit of a quiet mind, which can occur naturally.

There is no doubt that most of the time our minds are far too busy. I loved this quote from Jeanette Winterson: ‘Sometimes we live with a mind that is like a bar full of drunks.’ It can be noisy, argumentative, veering from one subject to another, and very annoying! Of course, we sometimes need to send all those drunks to sleep – they wear us out.

To do that, we need to develop our own techniques, the ones that work for us. This requires noticing when our minds naturally calm down, and then using these methods when the noise gets too loud.

I know that weeding the garden, listening to certain music, watching the birds feed, and doing jigsaws all work for me. What do you find works for you? Notice when your mind is quiet and make a note, so that when you need it, you can use that method again.

We never really empty our minds, but we can have our quiet moments, and we can create more quite easily, allowing ourselves a little peace.

WEEDING YOUR LIFE

Ways of Remembering,

Anyone with a garden knows that it takes no time at all for weeds to take hold, if not take over. We know that regular weeding keeps our garden as we want it, and is much easier than when those weeds are well-established.

So how about taking the same attitude to our lives? We grow weeds in our behaviours and they become habits. We grow weeds in our thinking, and they become negativity of one sort or another.

So how do we do this sort of weeding? By once a month stopping and reviewing our behaviours, our thinking patterns.

Have I started being more and more judgemental of others? Have I stopped listening to my partner? Have I started drinking more, or eating fast food  and sweet things more often?

And it’s not enough to notice, because if we are to weed them out, we need to have something good to replace them with, otherwise they will just come straight back. So we need to ask ourselves: ‘What will I put in its place?’

Similarly with our thinking. Am I taking on other people’s worries and anxieties? Am I being adversely affected by all the bad news I hear? Am I being influenced to see myself as not good enough? So instead, what will I do to help myself think about things more constructively?

Some weeds you find may be quite persistent, so you may need to be gradual in your approach to clearing them. That’s okay. It’s not a failure if they reappear. You can even get rid of bindweed in your garden if you persist!

And weeding your life, just as with your garden, will bring more joy and beauty into your life – it’s worth a little bit of time once a month.

KNOWING WHAT’S RIGHT

Ways of Remembering,

I was watching an old interview with Martin Luther King a while ago, and was struck again by his gentle presence, exuding a sense of calm.

When the interviewer pressed him on his belief in non-violent action, he simply said that it was obvious what was right and would win out in the end. When pushed again about his personal danger and the violent threats against him, he replied in a measured way that he knew what was right and preferred to live by it. He added, ‘I have cosmic support’.

Wow! The man was only 32 years old at the time, yet he clearly knew in his bones what was right. What a wonderful way to be.

And it reminded me that there are times when we all know what’s right. We don’t just rationalise it in our heads, we feel it in our bodies, in our hearts. However, we don’t always follow it because it may not fit with norms or what’s expected.

So it’s worth learning to recognise your own signals when you just know it’s right. I would describe it as everything in us being aligned, a perfect fit. Then we don’t just believe it may be the right thing to do, we know it. and we will feel calm, ready, and good afterwards.

Seems worth doing to me, even if we can’t all be like Martin Luther King.

HAVING A GO

Ways of Remembering,

We all have things in our lives that we want to do, but are not sure if we can. Rather than risk getting it wrong or making a mess of it, we tend to err on the side of caution and give up on the idea.

What a shame! It’s a missed opportunity for having a go. If those who create beautiful or useful things didn’t do it because they weren’t sure they could make it perfectly immediately, we would have no useful tools, beautiful art and culture. Everything starts with experimentation.

It may be a hobby you think you’d enjoy, or doing a bit of DIY, or trying a new recipe. Or it could be going on holiday on your own, or joining a community group to get to know more people. There are lots of things that cross our minds as possibilities to develop ourselves further practically or creatively, and there are things that would stretch us further emotionally or just as a person.

The fact that whatever it is appeals to you is a sign that it is a possibility for you. So have a go, experiment, try it out – it’s a lovely way to grow more into being you.

MORE IN COMMON

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In these times of so much conflict, hatred, division, it is more important than ever to remind ourselves that we are all human beings. When will humankind recognise that we are so much more alike than different? I sometimes despair at the prejudice against people who are considered to be ‘not of our tribe’, whether that be to do with colour, creed, politics, way of dressing, or just not from here.

It would be so much easier to live with each other if instead we had a prejudice towards others who also share our emotions, our basic needs, our common humanity.

Of course, there are differences. Even with one group, there will always be those who are outside the norm for one reason or another, and there will always be what are now called ‘bad actors’ and heroes, as well as the rest of us. But the rest of us are the majority, and our differences create interest, variety, and an opportunity to learn from each other. Life would be very boring if we were all ‘Stepford wives’.

When I was younger, I moved to Birmingham, to an area which was primarily Pakistani and West Indian families. I didn’t know much about any of their cultures, and at first, I was a bit worried about how we would fit in.

What I discovered was kindness, generosity, and a great chance to expand my horizons, through learning about their worlds: their food, their traditions, their approach to life. And how much we had in common. I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.

We call ourselves human beings, yet we still regard some others as ‘aliens’ – not really human like us. Come on world, wake up to the fact that we all deserve to be treated as fellow human beings.

TRUST YOUR BODY RATHER THAN YOUR MIND

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Our minds are great collectors of stories about what’s right or wrong for us, good or bad. Most of those stories don’t come from our own experience, but from our cultures, our upbringing, the media.

And many of the stories are fear-inducing, to keep us from stepping out of line – all the things that could go wrong if we do. This is not generally useful to us. It’s the equivalent of saying to a young child, ‘Don’t wobble or you’ll fall off, when they want to walk along a garden wall – they inevitably wobble!

The more useful alternative is to listen to our inner knowing, our gut reaction. Gut reaction is not a myth. We have neuro-transmitters in our guts and in our hearts as well as in our brains, and these are more accurate at identifying what does or doesn’t work for us at this time. This happens before the message gets  sent to our mind and put through the filter of those stories.

You will have felt the bodily reaction when you have a spontaneous ‘yes’ to something, a felling of expansion and lightness. You will also have felt the bodily reaction when you say yes because you can’t put your finger on why not, a feeling of contraction and tightening.

We know our intuition is accurate, yet we let our heads rule, because we’ve been trained to.

So let’s listen more to our bodies instead of our minds, and trust our own intuition. It is so much more useful.

DAILY GLIMMERS

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I firmly believe it is important to pay attention to the good bits in a day, and acknowledge them. It helps to keep things in perspective and remind us that there are always things to appreciate and be thankful for in our lives,

This is especially true at the moment, when the news just tells us that the world is lurching from one crisis to another.

But sometimes it can be hard to find something you’re thankful for when you’ve had a shitty day. I find myself repeating the same things: at least I have a home; I have food to eat; I have friends…

Then I came across a slightly different approach that really appeals to me: noticing the glimmers in a day. Just as you see glimmers of light in a shady wood, every day has glimmers in it, even if just for a moment.

It may be noticing a bird singing its heart out, or a beautiful plant catching your eye,or the taste if a good cup of coffee, or the cosiness of putting on a warm sweater, or stroking a pet for a few moments.

Our senses do get little glimmers no matter how tough the day may seem. The only time it’s not easy to notice the glimmers in a day is when there are so many, we lose count!

So next time you’re having a hard day, look out for the glimmers around you – they will remind you that it’s not all bad, there is light around.

BOTH/AND

Ways of Remembering,

We have become more and more polarised in the way we look at the world. We either like or dislike, hate or love, fear or look forward to, etc.

This does not reflect how the world really is: there are more shades of grey than just black or white. It limits our thinking and our reactions to circumstances and to people.

When we look honestly at most situations, our feelings are more nuanced, more ambivalent, so instead of choosing to come down on one side or the other, it is useful to allow for both. This gives us more choice and more leeway to choose a different path.

For example, I may be nervous about attempting something different, and at the same time excited about the possibilities. Similarly, I may find my first impression of somebody somewhat off-putting, and at the same time sense something I like about them.

Navigating our way through these apparent paradoxes is what makes life interesting, and is far more likely to lead to new learnings, new possibilities.

Even with Trump – a difficult one for me! – I can believe that in person he is charming, funny and considerate – just wish it showed up in his public persona as the president of the USA!

By not jumping to conclusions, on one side or the other, we can enrich our lives. So next time you realise you’re running to an either/or choice, just stop a moment and see if it could more usefully be a both/and choice.

DID CURIOSITY REALLY KILL THE CAT?

Ways of Remembering,

I remember as a child, being told by my mother, ‘curiosity killed the cat’, probably after I’d asked the umpteenth why. As children, we want to know more, find out about things, understand what’s going on. We ask our questions, explore things in innocence, without judgement.

And we are frequently shut down or told off, or told it’s not important or relevant. I’m sure we have all heard that frustrating answer to ‘Why?’ ‘Because I said so.’

Being curious originally meant being someone who cared (same root as curator). It is driven by a desire to extend our knowledge, our awareness, and it has no intrinsic judgement in it.

That desire in us is health-giving. It is how we maintain the plasticity of our brain and stimulate and extend our thinking. It also enables us to make more informed choices through having greater awareness, and offsets the likelihood of us having ignorant prejudices.

And of course, it’s often fun to follow through on our curiosity, discovering new and different ideas, things, relationships.

Without curiosity, we would have no inventions or innovations, we would stagnate as human beings.

So did it kill the cat? I doubt it and I am sure it is unlikely to kill us. In fact, the opposite: it enlivens our lives and our ideas.

So next time you find yourself saying: ‘I wonder if..’ or ‘I wonder what…’ or ‘I wonder how…’, follow it up – it’s your curiosity shining through.

GUILT IS A POINTLESS EMOTION

Ways of Remembering,

I’m sure we all say sometimes: ‘I feel guilty that I haven’t /didn’t…’. It’s an acknowledgement that we feel we got something wrong. But on its own, it has no benefit whatsoever.

Firstly, it’s always about something that’s already happened – or not happened – in the past, so it’s too late to change.

Secondly, it weighs on us and causes negative feelings, but leads nowhere except for feeling bad.

It is only useful if we take it as a starting point: if we feel guilty, what can we do about it.

If it is to do with our behaviour towards someone else, we may be able to admit our guilt and hopefully rectify the situation, or at least apologise. Fr example, if we snapped at someone unnecessarily, we can say sorry the next time we speak, and explain that we know it was us who was out of order, not them.

If it is to do with something we feel that we should have done, then maybe we could just do it now. For example, if we feel we should have finished off the task we were doing, when instead we sat and read a book for a while, we can plan in time to finish the task today.

And sometimes we will realise, when we look at our guilt, that it really is pointless – we’re just ‘should have-ing’ ourselves for no good reason. In this case, we need to shake it off and let ourselves off!

Feeling guilty on its own gives us nothing useful. It is akin to self-pity and is an indulgence in negativity that takes away the possibility of feeling good.

Don’t do it! or at least, do something about it – let it lead to something useful that makes us feel good again.