Tag Archives: useful thinking

‘OUR LIFE IS WHAT OUR THOUGHTS MAKE OF IT’

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Marcus Aurelius said this, centuries ago – the wisdom has always been there.

I was reminded of this recently when my back was playing up. I was sitting in my conservatory being miserable when I looked out and noticed my first zinnia flowering in my garden – a lovely red and yellow bloom. That drew my attention to all the other lovely flowers making a cheery display. Was I going to be miserable because of my back or cheered up by the beauty in my garden? My choice…

We all have our ups and downs, but often forget that we always have a choice about what we pay attention to. There is almost always a reason to be happy and a reason to be pissed off. Once we’ve decided to be pissed off, we set a mood that finds even more things wrong. It knocks any probability of enjoyment or motivation out of our minds.

But once we decide to be happy about something, however small, it resets our mind to be more constructive, to deal with problems, to find ways of cheering ourselves up. It only requires that initial choice.

Don’t let your thoughts get you down. They are only thoughts and you can choose which ones to follow and which ones to discard. Remember that, as a child, you might fall over and hurt yourself, but were quickly distracted by a toy or a hug. You are still the same person. Distract yourself from being miserable and life will soon feel better again.

INTELLECT OR INTELLIGENCE?

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Last week they gave our students their A level results. Some were delighted, some were disappointed. It made me think about the distinction between intellect and intelligence.

In the western world we have a tendency to admire the clever people – those who have attained several degrees and can do complicated things within their own field. But without intelligence, intellect is not particularly useful in living your life.

Intelligence is about the ability to learn as we go, cross-relating ideas or skills from one area to another, recognising what is useful and what isn’t, reviewing and learning from mistakes and successes. It is the pathway to wisdom.

This ability is not driven by academic learning – in fact academia often limits it. We talk about people being street-wise, i.e. they have learnt how to navigate their lives well, even if they are ‘uneducated’.

It is time we recognised intelligence as the most important skill we can have, in its fullest sense. This is not the same as having what they call a high intelligence quotient (IQ). That only measures a limited segment of intelligence. It is about recognising the full range of intelligence: intellectual, logical, emotional, creative, spatial, etc.

None of us have it all, but we can all aim to enhance what we do have. And we can learn from those who have a form of intelligence we are lacking in, regardless of their academic ability.

Our system of education had become more of a system of induction, teaching people to conform. Education originally means to lead out of people their natural abilities – let’s genuinely educate ourselves.

BEING HAPPY

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“If you choose to be happy today, nothing can stop you”.

I first saw this as a sign on the door of a little café in India and it made me smile. Now I use it as a reminder that happiness does not depend on circumstances, everything being perfect, it is a state of mind we choose.

We can be aware of everything that is wrong or not good, without being drowned in the tide of pessimism which can come with that. It is a question of perspective, which we can find by asking ourselves some questions: Is this all there is? Is it forever? What can I find that makes me feel good right now? What are the gifts in my life?

This isn’t about having rose-tinted spectacles; it is a more useful way to be in the world. When we are happy, we find our way through problems or difficulties more easily. When we are happy, other people respond more positively to us. When we are happy, we remember the good things in our lives.

Our frame of mind affects everything we do. Being miserable or fed up turns everything grey or black, creates more reasons to stay in the same state of mind.

Let’s remember the good bits and colour our world more cheerfully. No-one and nothing can stop you, if you choose to be happy.

THE BEATEN PATH

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How much of your everyday life is just following the beaten path: the automatic pilot of habit, where we are not even aware of our own behaviour? I was made to ask this question by reading a book recently called ‘How We Are’ by Vincent Deary, where he talks about how and why we are creatures of habit. He also talks about how it can be hard to change, until we form a new habit and go back to automatic pilot again on a new beaten path.

It is not that it is wrong to function like this, but sometimes it is worth noticing that the beaten path you are walking is not really a useful one. For example, we may ignore signs of hunger in ourselves until it is becoming urgent and then snack because we can’t wait to make ourselves a proper meal.

Or we may always try to finish a task even though we know really that we need a break – and then we become clumsy or mess it up and it takes even longer.

We do know if we have a habit that’s not useful to us because we will say to ourselves: ‘Damn, I always do that!’, telling ourselves off after the event with the wisdom of hindsight!

And we can pick them off, one by one, (most of us have lots of them), by consciously choosing to deliberately change the habit to something more useful, forming a new beaten path.

It would be impossible to live our lives if we had to think through every action and behaviour – we’d never get anything done! But the more beaten paths we have that are useful to us, the more we free ourselves for a better life.

WHAT DO YOU REALLY WANT?

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Most people have some form of wish list, covering all sorts of things from the trivial to the fundamental. What we often are not aware of is the driver behind this wish list.

We all have a basic desire to feel good, to be happy, to be valued in our lives. The wish list is intended to bring us that good feeling. However, there is a big difference between the temporary feeling of pleasure when we get what we thought we wanted and the more solid sense of feeling good and happy most of the time.

Buying ‘stuff’, getting likes on social media, may fill a gap for us for a little while, but it will never provide us with what we really want. Even being successful in your career, having lots of money, will not give you that feeling of contentment with your everyday life, despite what our culture seems to suggest.

So we need to stop and consider that fundamental question of what we really want our lives to be like. This requires not just thought, but also imagination: what would it be like if I had what I want?

For example, if I geta new job, how will it affect my life? Will it enable me to spend more or less time with family and friends? Will I come home pleased with my day or stressed and exhausted? By imagining how your everyday life will be affected, positively and adversely, by adding or subtracting something from your life, you have a fuller picture of whether you really want whatever it is.

And it is important to realise that we can often make small changes to improve our everyday lives and feel happier, more content. Small changes can add up to a big difference in how good you feel. Whether it be going for a walk in the fresh air, or having a proper breakfast, or arranging to see a good friend more often, we can improve how we feel about our life with little effort and for free.

So next time you tell yourself you want something, just check it out: will it give you a momentary pleasure? (And that’s okay so long as you realise it). will it enhance your everyday life, or will it bring more negative than you want?

Appreciate what you already have  and look to continue to make life better – isn’t that what we’re here for?

DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT

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Many years ago, I ran a programme at Land Rover called ‘Do Something Different’. It was for all the team leaders, shift leaders, managers and directors, and was deliberately provoking them to think and act in novel ways – not to cause chaos, but to encourage them to realise that they could improve their work and lives if they extended their ‘toolkit’ of techniques to deal with their own reactions and to work with others effectively.

It’s still a phrase that I need to remind myself of every so often. We all have a tendency to repeat behaviours or ways of thinking about things even though we know they don’t work for us.

We complain about stuff, but it doesn’t change what’s happening. We tell the kids off for their untidy bedrooms but the bedroom doesn’t stay tidy. We put a task off because it looks too big to tackle and it never gets done, or we do it reluctantly and prove to ourselves that it’s hard work.

Our minds are terrible masters but wonderful servants. They will send us into automatic repeating patterns even if we know they don’t work for us, but they can also look for answers to questions we ask them. If you ask the right question, it’s amazing what answers you can find.

So the simple solution is to go away from the situation that’s not working and ask yourself: ‘ How could I tackle this in a different way?’ or ‘How could I make this easier for myself?’

Just the act of moving away from the situation starts to give you some perspective and breaks the repetitive pattern. And I can still be delighted by some of the answers I get to the questions.

So next time you feel stuck or realise that you’re just repeating a pattern that’s not useful, do something different.

REDISCOVERING THINGS

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‘We all spend our lives rediscovering things – often the same things over and over.’ (Paul Williams)

I find this statement reassuring somehow – it’s not just me then! And once we accept that this is just how we work, it becomes a delight. My blogs are called ‘Ways of Remembering’ for a reason: it’s so easy to forget and we need constant reminders.

A lot of the things we rediscover are simple acts of self-care: I feel better if I get some fresh air every day; it isn’t hard to make a meal from scratch and it tastes better; relaxing in a bath calms me down; wearing a favourite top instead of scruffs cheers me up; music makes chores seem easier.

Some of the things we rediscover are about catering for our individuality rather than following the norm. For example, we don’t like noisy pubs, however good the company may be; or we thrive on the adventure of trying something new or visiting a place we don’t know.

And some of the things we rediscover are those which just dropped off our radar at some point in our lives, when other things took priority. These are often hobbies or interests we once had: bird-watching or dong crosswords or reading or going to art galleries. Or they may be places we used to like to visit or people who drifted out of our lives.

Most of the time, we are not learning something new, we are rediscovering things and learning to re-apply them. It is a way to grow into who we really are. So delight in your rediscoveries, and the adventure of becoming more and more true to yourself.

THE COMMUNITY OF HUMANKIND

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Once upon a time we lived in small tribes. Others, not of our tribe, were genuinely alien to us, and we would fight with them over land and resources. Why are we still doing the same thing?

We may not, mostly, be fighting wars, but we still tend towards an ‘us and them’ mentality and the war of words is fought constantly: against foreigners; against those who support a different political party; against those who do or say something we don’t agree with.

Yet we now live in a world where we can know about most aspects of the rest of the inhabitants of this world. We know more about different cultures: most of us are from some form of mixed heritage in our past, and we take it for granted that we eat ‘foreign’ food or use ‘foreign’ phrases,

We are also aware that what happens anywhere else in the world can have an impact on our little patch, because it is all interconnected: climate change is a prime example, as is commerce.

We may not agree with other people’s values or opinions, but we certainly won’t change their views or attitudes by being hateful towards them.

Isn’t it time we looked for what we have in common with others, rather than why they’re not ‘one of us’?

We all need food and shelter, a way to earn our living and a chance to have some dignity, to feel valued. We all face the same doubts and have similar hopes.

And no, I don’t claim to love everyone, and I don’t agree with what some others do or say but condemning them or hating them doesn’t make any positive difference.

We are all human beings, doing our best to make it in this world. We live in a global community. Let’s find ways to work together instead of separating into warring tribes – it’s time we grew up in our human beingness.

CHANGE YOUR INNER CRITIC

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We all have some form of inner critic, but many of us have let that inner critic get out of control. When we were young, that voice could be useful. He/she took on some of the things our family would get cross about, and remind us before we got into trouble. The critic helped us to navigate the accepted behaviour of the world.

However, they didn’t stop there at collecting reasons we might be considered a failure or badly behaved. The critic took up any and every reason they came across and set a higher and higher bar for our behaviour and attitude.

Consequently, most of us are pretty harsh with ourselves, never quite doing enough to be pleased with ourselves. We wouldn’t treat anyone else this cruelly!

What we can forget is that this voice is our own creation and in our control. We can change it to something more useful, by making that inner voice a critical best friend.

A best friend will support you, encourage you. They are honest but not unkind. If you’re way off the mark, they will tell you. If you’re making a mountain out of a molehill, they will tell you. If you’re being daft, they will tell you. And if you’ve done well, they will praise you.

Next time your inner critic gets going, ask him/her to be a critical best friend instead. Imagine it’s your best friend you’re talking to rather than yourself. Gradually, the voice will change its tone. You’ll hear, ‘well done’ more often and at worst, ‘you silly thing!’ instead of, ‘you’re useless’. Give yourself an inner best friend.

IT’S YOUR ATTITUDE THAT MAKES THE DIFFERENCE

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We rarely stop and consciously think about our intentions before we act on something. We may think about what we’re about to do, and we’re usually aware of our attitude towards it: I’m looking forward to it; I’m going to do my best; this will be difficult; I wish I didn’t have to. What we do less often is recognise that we can actively change our attitude to make a difference to what happens.

Have you noticed how often our expectations are fulfilled? If I think it is going to be boring, it usually is. If I am looking forward to something, it’s usually fun. We conclude that we were right. What we don’t notice very often is how we affected what happened.

If my attitude is positive, I go into whatever it is with a lightness of spirit which changes my body language, my tone of voice, how I greet people, and they tend to respond in kind. Even if no one else is involved, that positive attitude changes my energy levels, my way of thinking about what I’m doing, and helps me to make a good job of it.

Of course, a negative attitude has the opposite effect on my behaviour. If I’m fearful or reluctant or expecting it to be hard, I have a completely different way of behaving, and others will again tend to respond in kind. It is really easy to provoke negative reactions from others – we can all make that argument happen if we want to! Again, even when no-one else is involved, we drag ourselves into the situation, and we will drop things, make mistakes, run out of energy quickly.

What we are underestimating, in both the positive and negative, is our own power. We play a major part in creating the situation in the way we expect. If we realise this, we can make life easier for ourselves by consciously changing our attitude.

We don’t have to pretend to be jolly about something we’re not particularly keen on – that doesn’t work. What we can do is focus on what will make it easier or less boring. We can look for a more useful expectation for ourselves.

For example: I’ll listen to some favourite music while I do this; I’ll remember that the other person would prefer the meeting to go well; I’ll find someone I like to talk to at this party.

There are enough stumbling blocks in life without us creating even more by expecting the worst. Consciously changing our attitude can make life easier for us. This year, let’s do it more often