Tag Archives: useful thinking

USEFUL BELIEFS

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We don’t usually realise how many beliefs we have that affect how we live our lives, because we don’t express them as beliefs, we state them as truths or facts. For example: no-one understands me; I always get ill in winter; there’s never enough time to do everything; don’t trust a stranger; God doesn’t exist. I’m sure you have your own list, if you stop and think about it!

You can usually spot them if you begin to notice where you have generalised: everyone, always, never, no-one, all, etc.

And these beliefs cause arguments, conflicts and even wars, when they are contrary to what others believe. This is because most people think their belief is the truth, so a belief that contradicts it must be false, and the other person is wrong and needs correcting.

The fact that different people can have contradictory beliefs surely raises questions about the truth or rightness of either side.

I think we need to rethink how we look at beliefs. What we forget is that we all filter our experience. We can’t absorb   or be conscious of everything that is going on, so we narrow the field, and the way we tend to do that is through our beliefs. We collect evidence that we are right but miss out evidence that might contradict that belief. For example, if I think that most people are unfriendly, I will notice when people frown at me or push past me, but not notice the people who smile at me, or hold the door for me.

And of course, our beliefs can directly affect us by causing us to limit our own behaviour, so we don’t step out of our fears, and our self-imposed restrictions.

The good news is that, once we become aware of the problem with our adopted beliefs, we can consciously change our filters and therefore our beliefs.

So the question to ask about beliefs we have is not, is it true or false, right or wrong, but is it a useful belief to have, one which enriches our lives and empowers us. Once we ask ourselves this question – is this a useful belief – we can begin to identify which beliefs we have that do help us to live our lives well and reinforce them by continuing to collect evidence. And we can begin to deliberately moderate our less useful beliefs by actively looking for evidence of something that would improve our lives instead.

This can be fun, as well as enlightening, so have a go. You may be pleasantly surprised.

GROWING OLDER

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There are many ways in which we are insidiously told that growing older is likely to bring with it a reduced level of health, mental activity and resilience.

What we are not told so clearly is that growing older also brings with it the potential for a level of freedom and authenticity which is hard to achieve when younger.

We no longer have to fit in with the norms of society, in order to be accepted in our jobs, our roles. We can begin to explore who we really are, what is true for us, as opposed to what we have taken on in order to appear ‘normal’. We don’t have to live a 9-5 life, fitting our chores around our workdays.

We can spend whole days reading or gardening. We can stay up to watch a late-night movie, and sleep in in the morning. We can have lunch with friends, have our hair cut, when the shops and restaurants are less busy, during the week.

The detriments to being older are over-stated, and the advantages of being older are hardly mentioned. Yet they far outweigh the problems.

If we appreciate these everyday freedoms, if we allow ourselves to revert to who we truly are, with all our quirks and foibles, being older can be a wonderful chapter in our lives.

STANDING UP TO A BULLY (OR TWO)

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I have a new hero – Volodymyr Zelensky. He is the one leader who had most to lose by refusing to be bullied, yet he did it.

Bullies are a scourge in society. They abuse what power they have, whether physical or political or hierarchical, to force others to act as they want them to. They use intimidation to get their own way and make others fear them. There are no redeeming features.

The only way to stop bullying is to stand up to them, and refuse to be intimidated. This takes courage – coming from the heart – and conviction. We somehow think that this is not possible, that they will get us some other way, but most bullies back down when their bullying doesn’t work, and others who have been bullied by them begin to stand with you when you make a stand. They can be stopped.

We have probably all encountered bullies in our lives: unpleasant people who lack intelligence, understanding and compassion. Often it is in childhood, when they haven’t yet learned that there is a more effective way to be in the world, and that can be forgiven – they may learn. But when they are grown men and women there is no excuse.

The best defence against bullies is developing a group of those similarly affected – you can only bully one at a time. Let’s hope that Zelensky discovers just how many others are willing to stand with him, and make the bully think again.

I believe that fairness, justice, courage, and straightforward goodness win out in the end. Let’s all send that belief into the world.

BUSY OR PRODUCTIVE?

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Originally busy meant constantly in motion. – hence the phrase ‘busy as a bee’. It also had some not useful connotations, which we have carried forward in the word busybody – always sticking their nose in other peoples’ business,

And still we tend to say we’re busy when we’ve lots to do, but it implies a level of rushing from one thing to another, rather than getting things done. It reminds me of the Bing Crosby song: ‘We’re busy doing nothing, working the whole day through, trying to find lots of things not to do’.

On top of that, when we tell someone else that we’re too busy to join them in something, or stop and talk, it feels very dismissive, as if what they’re suggesting or asking for isn’t as important as the things you have to do.

The alternative is to be productive. This implies having some clear results, and gives us a different mindset. In order to feel productive, we need to have thought about what we want to achieve and how to go about it. it means we use our energy more effectively and go about things more methodically. We are more likely to complete tasks we set ourselves and to feel good afterwards.

Next time the word busy comes into your head, just stop and check – could you be productive instead? could you spare the time for this person and show that they matter to you? Unless of course you’re just busy doing nothing!

After all, the second verse of the song goes: ‘I’m busy going nowhere, isn’t it just a crime, I’d like to be unhappy but I simply don’t have the time’.

SIGNS OF HOPE

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Like everyone else, I sometimes despair – about our world and its poor state, about our climate, about politics. But there are signs of hope, always, if we look for them.

Not everyone is kow-towing to Trump and his bullying. Canada, Mexico and China have all said ‘no, we are not saying, oh dear, what can we do when he tries to bully us.’ And a bunch of respected journalists in the US have resigned from their papers because they are accepting of Trump’s way and set up their own journal to say no.

And despite our weird weather patterns, the snowdrops are flowering in the garden, signalling spring, and there are signs of growth everywhere.

Looking for the signs of hope is important because that prompts us to be hopeful about other things. Hope is not a passive emotion – it prompts us into action, to create more hope and grow it into reality.

Whether that be encouraging and supporting those who are standing up for their rights and freedom, for decent values, or becoming more energised in our own little world, it makes a positive difference, not just to us, but to the world we live in.

I feel much more like clearing the winter debris from my garden, to find what else I have growing.. I feel more ready to encourage others to trust in themselves and their power, and believe even more strongly that we as individuals can make a difference in this world and help make it a kinder and better place.

So go find your signs of hope and let’s get going. It’s our world, let’s make it the way we all want it to be.

BUILDING UP YOUR ENERGY RESERVES

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We may pay attention to our physical fitness, or be aware of our mental health, but we don’t usually take great care of the foundational building blocks for both of these – our energy reserves.

This is something we can have control over, because we all know what increases our energy and what depletes it.

Energy is our life force. It feeds us physically, mentally and emotionally. And building it in ourselves is literally vital.

The ways we increase our energy is quite individual. We probably all benefit from a good night’s sleep, and healthy food, but then it needs to be tailor-made. Some feel better after an invigorating shower, others after a long soak in the bath. Some thrive on a session in the gym, others on a stroll in the park. The company of some people enlivens you, the company of others drains you. And we all have the things we love doing that makes us feel good, and those things that we have to push ourselves to do.

What we can all do is to become more aware of what increases our energy reserves and what leaves us with an energy deficit. If we feed into our lives as many things as possible to enhance our energy, it is easier to handle the times when we’re being somewhat drained – we have spare capacity, rather than running on empty.

And it doesn’t have to be difficult, complicated or time-consuming. It can be just five minutes sitting quietly, or watching something that makes us laugh (laughter is a great energy-giver), or treating yourself to the right piece of cake at the right time, or watching the birds at the bird feeder for a minute or two.

If we get in the habit of allowing ourselves to enjoy those little things that boost our energy, we automatically help ourselves to stay healthier, in every sense, and improve our lives.

So boost your energy in some simple ways today – and every day!

BALANCE

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It’s a new year. When we look back over the previous year, it gives us a starting point for the new one.

What did you spend too much time on, and what was neglected as a consequence? What made you anxious, and how can you alleviate that? What stressed you and how can you reduce that stress? What made you feel good and how can you have more of that? How did you care for yourself and how can you give yourself even more of that?

These types of questions prompt us into noticing how we can improve our lives for this year and shift the balance towards a happier, more comfortable time. They take us towards small easy steps we can take to make life better for ourselves.

Of course, there will always be unavoidable ups and owns in our lives, good days and bad days. I don’t believe anyone has a perfect life, or a perfect attitude towards whatever happens.

But we can all appreciate more the good days we have (and normally add a few more with a shift in attitude!), and we can all think of better ways to handle those days that feel tough, or at least offset the toughness with more kindness towards ourselves.

When we find more balance, more equilibrium in our lives, we not only feel better, we are also nicer people to be around, and we receive more of the friendship and support that we all need – it’s a virtuous circle.

So come on, let’s find some more balance in our lives, and make it easier for ourselves as we do so. We deserve it!

Happy New Year..

THE GOOD SIDE OF PREJUDICE

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Being prejudiced is always seen as a bad thing. We think of people who are racist or sexist or homophobic etc. when we talk of people who are prejudiced.

Yet the word simply means making a judgement in advance and we all use prejudice all the time.

We ‘know’ if we are going to be bored in the meeting, or if we’re going to find something difficult to handle. We equally ‘know’ if we’re going to enjoy an event we’re attending or if we’re going to find something easy.

Our prejudices help us to navigate the world without having to start every experience from scratch and are based on previous experiences and things we’ve been told.

What we’re not aware of is the effect our prejudices have on how we approach whatever it is. If I think it’s going to be hard or unpleasant, I go into it with that mindset, looking for the evidence that I was right, and sometimes actually creating the proof I am looking for.

The opposite is equally true. If I expect it to be fun, easy, pleasant, that’s what I look for and help create. We tend to get what we expect to get – our prejudice.

So let’s approach as much as we can with useful prejudices: it will be interesting, enjoyable, easy; most people are friendly and helpful; I can usually work things out.

If we use positive prejudices to make our lives easier, we will get the best out of most situations.

GIVE IN BUT DON’T GIVE UP

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It was hard to hear, last week, that Trump had decisively won the American election. Not only does it make you wonder about the values of half the American population, but also it will have an impact on the world.

But Kamala Harris’s concession speech reminded me of a principle we can all work to: ‘We concede the victory, but do not admit defeat.’

There are times when we all have to concede that we have failed to achieve what we set out to do, with the best of intentions. Bemoaning the fact that we failed, or blaming others for it, does not change that. We have to accept that it happened and give in to the loss.

However, that doesn’t mean that we have to give up completely. Rather than wasting energy on recrimination or regrets, we can accept how it is, and then use our energy to work out what we can do differently or instead, to achieve our intention.

This then becomes a creative endeavour, where we learn from what went wrong or didn’t work, and look for other possibilities. This works at a macro-level, – a major defeat in politics – but also at a micro-level – I upset a friend unintentionally, or I didn’t finish those tasks I set myself.

It is a waste of energy to allow a defeat of some kind to send you into despair. All that does is make you more likely to fail at even more and give up.

Instead, give in to the one failure and use your energy to make things work better next time.

YOU ARE PERFECT JUST AS YOU ARE

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Being human is a tough job. It means we have to learn to accept our own foibles, quirks and flaws, as well as our strengths, and most of us are really bad at doing both.

We learn to be modest about what we are good at, because otherwise it’s ‘boasting’ and ‘pride comes before a fall’. This tendency is exacerbated if what we’re good at seems ordinary rather than exceptional or highly valued by society. If you can make a tasty meal out of bits and pieces, if you find it easy to start a conversation with a stranger, or can out together a flat pack of something, you take it for granted, and assume others can as well. And of course, most things that we find easy, we tend to dismiss as being normal, or trivial.

Then there is that long list of things we’re not good at. I don’t remember the details of things; I can’t change a tyre; I’m terrible at drawing; I’m useless when it comes to arranging a bunch of flowers – the list goes on and on. We learn to feel bad about all the things we can’t do well, and to feel we’re not good enough.

What we don’t tend to notice is that everyone else has their own weaknesses – it’s part of being human. No-one is good at everything, and we all develop our own set of strengths. Each of us is unique.

We are all neurodivergent, with minds and bodies that work in their own individual way, easily absorbing some things and failing to take on others. And that’s okay. It makes us special.

So don’t worry or feel bad about your weaknesses. Find someone who’s good at whatever it is if you need to, and ask for help. We all like using our strengths.

And use your own strengths well. That way you can make your unique contribution to the world.

You’re a perfect huma being, just as you are.