Category Archives: Ways of Remembering

Di’s Blog Post Articles

WHAT IS INTELLIGENCE

Ways of Remembering,

I read an article recently that was bemoaning the fact that people want to show off what they know about and outdo one another on intellect. Where I disagreed with the author was in his conflation of intellect with intelligence.

To me, there is a massive difference between them. Intellect is linked to being able to accumulate knowledge, a left-brain activity. Intelligence is the ability to make connections between different things – it is more linked to wisdom.

An intellectual may wish to demonstrate how clever they are, but someone with intelligence is more likely to consider the impact that may have on others. Their left-brain activity is balanced by the right brain’s ability to put things into a broader context.

Furthermore, the two aspects of thinking do not necessarily occur together. I have met intellectuals who are what we call narrow-minded – focussed on particulars but quite unaware of the possibility of other perspectives. And there are many people who have limited formal education yet display an enviable level of intelligence.

We talk about the wisdom of elders: those who have learnt from experience how to weigh up facts and opinions, how to put things in perspective, how to use intuition and feeling as well as facts. This is a wisdom we can all develop and is what gives us intelligence.

Being intellectual can be useful in specific contexts, but developing our intelligence is far more useful when navigating our lives.

APPRECIATE THIS DAY

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I am old enough to know that this could be the last time that I see this friend, that I visit a place I love, that I see an amazing movie or play or concert, that I have the joy of the season’s flowers in my garden.

I wish I had realised it earlier in my life, so that I ‘squeezed the juice’ out of all the wonders and delights that we rush through when we are younger.

Today, I can wish I were a young woman again, I can try to clear all my emails, I can be cross because it’s raining. Or I can enjoy a slow, peaceful start to the day, watch the birds at the feeders, read some of my book, and notice the soothing sound of the rain on my conservatory roof. My choice.

Do I notice the negatives in my day, or do I appreciate the good things that I can easily find if I care to look for them?

If I treat each day as if it were my last, each visit as if it were the last, my life becomes full of riches.

So today, stop for a moment and notice the beauty, the wonder, the smiles and laughter, and truly appreciate them. Choose to make it a good day.

I WONDER

Ways of Remembering,

I prefer the phrase ‘I wonder’ to either ‘I hope’ or ‘I fear’ when we are talking about future possibilities.

Hope and fear both express doubt to some extent, but are also an emotional investment in the outcome. They mean we are attached to a particular result.

On the other hand, wondering what will happen expresses curiosity, and interest in the outcome without a drive for a particular answer,

Notice how differently our minds react, in simple everyday things: ‘ I hope it doesn’t rain all day’, or ‘I fear it’s going to rain all day’, as opposed to:’ I wonder if it will rain all day’.

With the first two phrases, we will be disappointed if it does rain all day. When we wonder, we aren’t looking for any particular answer, and are just curious to see what happens, ready to be surprised, no matter which way it goes.

There is a lovely line in a Paul Simon song: ‘This is the age of miracles and wonder’. It conjures up the magic of not always knowing or understanding, but being able to delight in whatever turns out.

Children are great at wondering, being fascinated by whatever happens, because it is inherent in us as humans. If we didn’t wonder, we wouldn’t create or invent or innovate; life would be very boring if everything were predictable and as it has always been.

Originally, the word meant surprise, astonishment – recognition of the unpredictability of nature, of people, of the future. How lovely to be constantly surprised by how things are rather than relieved or disappointed.

I think wondering is wonderful!

WE NEED COMMUNITY FOR OUR HEALTH

Ways of Remembering, ,

Not so long ago, most people lived in a community, where you knew your neighbours, chatted to people in the local shops, had friends who lived nearby. These days, many people are isolated to a large extent, working from home, moving from house to car and back again, shopping online, and often not even knowing their neighbours.

They may claim to have a lot of ‘friends’ on social media, but this does not give us the same (or sometimes any) health benefits.

We were designed to be social animals, so in person social interaction increases our health-giving hormones, and that keeps us healthier for longer.

Keeping in touch with friends, getting to know our neighbours, talking to the person at the bus stop or checkout, are all ways of enhancing our own health and theirs too.

Joining a group or class where people share an interest or have shared experiences can be very valuable – often a place to make new friends.

At the very least, phone people you know rather than text. The conversation will always be more satisfying than in text, and we gain the tone of the voice which, assuming it’s pleasant, also elicits those hormones.

It is considered a punishment to keep someone in isolation, so why would we do it to ourselves? There are lots of people out there willing to have a conversation or even become friends and we could all benefit.

TIME AND MOTION OR HUMAN?

Ways of Remembering, ,

There was a period in the 1950’s and 60’s when organisations were obsessed with time and motion studies, to supposedly improve efficiency and productivity. The researchers observed people at work and recorded how they wasted time and moved unnecessarily, then making recommendations to reduce their ‘waste’. It certainly had an impact, but not the desired one.

They had missed one vital element out of the equation: these were not robots, they were humans. To be effective as human beings, we need to interact, be comfortable, stop sometimes and take a break, and feel good about what we are doing.

Yet sometimes we all do a time and motion study on ourselves. We set ourselves inherently impossible targets and then feel bad because we don’t achieve them, but we have forgotten to take into account the fact we are human.

It may seem logical to assume we can deal with 50 emails in an hour – after all, some of them will just need to be deleted. However, it’s a very boring task, and it only takes one that’s more complex to deal with to put us off, make us decide we need a cup of coffee, or that something else is more important.

The same thing applies to cleaning the whole house, weeding the back garden, writing the whole report in one go. Logically, they needn’t take long, but we’re human, and feelings also come into it.

There is an alternative. Set yourself a target that is easy to achieve in a small amount of time. And we are often so pleased with ourselves that we go beyond the target and feel even more chuffed!

Allow yourself time for breaks, for not really being in the mood, for having a chat with someone, and you will get more done and feel better about it.

You’re not a machine, so allow yourself to be human.

ONE STEP IN FRONT OF THE OTHER

Ways of Remembering,

Sometimes we get overwhelmed by the long list of things we have to do, and end up paralysed by the enormity of the tasks ahead. When it feels like this, we tend to spend more time and energy worrying, telling ourselves it’s impossible, and resenting it than we do on getting on with it.

In these circumstances, it’s useful to just take one step at a time, doing the next most necessary thing – and then take the next step. This sounds obvious, but it has some useful nuances.

Firstly, it takes you away from the puzzle of where to begin: you start with whatever’s right in front of you, staring you in the face, or shouting at you.

Secondly, it’s about what’s most necessary. That may be paying the bill that’s overdue, but could equally well be having some breakfast, or stopping for 5 minutes for a cup of coffee.

This word necessary also reminds us that, as we go along, we may well realise that some of what we had n our list isn’t necessary today after all. We all tend to add in more ‘I must’s’ than are really in that category! Mowing the lawn could wait a few days, the clutter accumulated on the coffee table could be pushed to one side for now, there’s no rush on responding to that email – you know the sort of thing.

Thirdly, this approach gives you some momentum. You make a start somewhere and then take the next step – you’re moving rather than paralysed by the thought of what you have to do.

You may not get everything done that you had on your list, but for sure you will have done more than you thought you could when you were feeling overwhelmed.

You will also feel more energised at the end of the day, and can be proud of yourself for what you have achieved.

We don’t climb mountains by dreading it and then trying to push ourselves on. We do it by setting off and putting one foot in front of the other.

ATELIC ACTIVITIES

Ways of Remembering, ,

I have an extensive vocabulary, but I have never before come across the word atelic. It means doing something for its own sake, with no particular outcome or purpose in mind, just for the enjoyment of doing it. I love it! it’s the opposite of an instrumental activity, something you do to achieve something.

For example, are you going for a walk to keep fit or to exercise the dog – instrumental – or are you going for a walk because you enjoy it for its own sake. It could well be the same walk, but it has very different flavours.

When we engage ins something in an atelic way, we give ourselves fully to the experience. We aren’t thinking about what to have for dinner, or what we need to do when we get home, or how quickly we can get this over with. We are there, present with the experience, paying attention to it. This not only makes it more enjoyable, it also quiets our mind and gives us respite from our normal busyness.

This is such a simple shift of perspective, which we experience once in a while, maybe while watching a good movie, or doing a hobby we love.

But we could experience it every day, giving ourselves a break for half an hour by doing something we enjoy for its own sake.

What a lovely way to improve our wellbeing, our lives, and so simple!

A LIFE SPENT WELL

Ways of Remembering, , , ,

I was listening to the commentary on the late pope when he died, and reflecting on how people are talked about by others after their death.

Above all, he was described as kind, meek, ready to speak out about injustice or cruelty – the wrongs in the world – and not egotistical. It was how he was as a person that as emphasised, not his role or achievements.

To me, this is a life spent well. We don’t need to achieve extraordinary things, we need to be the best person we can be, no matter what our circumstances, and we need to feel good abut how we have lived our lives.

It’s not what we do or achieve that others value us for, it’s how we are as a person: our behaviour, our attitudes, our way of going about things.

And this is something we can all work on and develop throughout our lives. We can ask ourselves if we are behaving with compassion or a lack of thought; if we are looking after ourselves as well as others or just barging on; if we call out unfairness and injustice or stand back and thereby silently endorse it; if we look for reasons to be optimistic and hopeful, or fall for the general pessimism about life and humans; if we are being the best we can be or we can’t be bothered.

I would like to believe that when I die, I can say that I have spent my life well, not because of what I have done, but because of how I have been, wouldn’t you?

‘I’VE BEEN WORKING FULL-TIME ON LIVING’

Ways of Remembering, ,

A dear friend said this to me when I was bemoaning the fact that I hadn’t done much that day. What a perfect reframe for those days when neither your body nor your mind are up to doing much, so you read a bit, watch a movie, call someone up for a chat.

Actually, it’s a great way to look at your day-to-day life altogether. It puts a different value on everything you do because it poses the questions:

 ‘Is this a day when I listened to my own state?’

 ‘Have I felt good today, or have I pushed myself to do stuff?’

‘Have I taken pleasure in what I have done, or has it felt more like duty?’

 ‘Have I been doing, or have I been being?’

There are so many parts of our day-to-day living we don’t value, especially when retired or on holiday. Allowing ourselves a slow start to the morning, enjoying a wander round the garden, chatting with a neighbour, tidying out a messy drawer, doing some on a hobby we have, or just sitting with a good cup of coffee or glass of wine and being peaceful.

We feel as if we have to prove we have done something productive, ‘important’, so we don’t waste time.

Yet all these moments in a day have immense value for our spirits, our being, and need to be seen as such. Wouldn’t it be lovely to have positive answers to those questions I posed every single day! It would mean that we were doing a good job of living, the most important work we will ever do.

I am revising my assessment of my days to give value to all the times I feel good about my activity or inactivity, the times I feel like I’m living and being, not just doing. Care to join me?

RADICAL INCREMENTALISM

Ways of Remembering,

I recently read a book (4000 Weeks by Oliver Burkeman) where I came across this phrase, and I just love it! It is the perfect expression of something I have been working on for a while.

It is about the easy way to get big jobs done: do a small, time-limited amount every day, stopping before you’ve run out of energy or enthusiasm. By approaching it in this way, you don’t put off doing the next piece because you haven’t pushed yourself previously, and by consistently doing a bit of the task, you clear it easily and without effort.

You can use this method to do things like de-clutter your home, clear your garden of winter debris or weed the flower beds, sort out holiday arrangements, clear emails – well, almost anything!

I have long been an advocate of turning bigger jobs into projects, where success is counted, not as finishing the whole thing, but as completing one stage of the project. This takes it further – it’s radical. Now success is: ‘I did my 15 – 30 minutes today.’

And of course, if you have several different things you’re applying the principle to, you can feel really good about yourself when you say: ‘I did a bit of this one, and some of that one, and a bit of the other one too.’

So next time you have a job you’re putting off, consider using radical incrementalism to get it done the easy way.