101 REASONS TO BE THANKFUL

Ways of Remembering,

OK, so I haven’t really found 101 yet, although I’m not far off! And I’ve only been looking at those things we take for granted.

My dad has lost his hearing temporarily, and I was thinking about the impact that would have on my life. TV and films would lose a chunk of their appeal, no music, wouldn’t hear the phone ring or be able to call anyone, wouldn’t know if someone came to the door – it’s a massive impact.

And that led me to thinking about how we take our senses for granted. We can feel, taste, smell, hear and see, and we don’t even think about it normally. Plus, our limbs move in a co-ordinated way, so it’s easy to move about, our hands can grasp and hold, our bodies just get on with complex procedures like digestion, repair, immune systems. Oh, and all those trillions of cells that we’re made of can co-operate and support each other in their various roles. And none of that requires conscious effort on my part.

Wow!! ‘What a piece of work is man’, as Shakespeare said.

Then there’s our minds, which manage all the amazing things our bodies can do as a matter of course, but also absorb and store incredible amounts of information, which enables us to remember, assess, discriminate, and learn and grow. I know they can also cause us problems, but they do a pretty good job on the whole.

So, without even looking outside ourselves, we have a lot of wonderful reasons to be thankful we’re human.

Add to that the simplest of our needs being met on a regular basis and we must be close to my 101 reasons. I’m referring to a bed to sleep in, a roof over our head, food on the table, water we can drink no predators hunting us so a level of safety, easy access to clothes to keep us warm, lights if it’s dark. We just take all of these for grated don’t we? I know I do most of the time.

It’s easy to get pissed off, feel life isn’t great, wish things were different. And on those days it can be hard to find anything to be thankful for – we just notice all the things that confirm our state of mind.

I think it is useful to remind ourselves of all these reasons to be thankful – it helps us to change our state of mind, and to realise that life isn’t that bad after all..

THE TORTOISE AND THE HARE

Ways of Remembering, ,

I was feeling pissed off with myself for not fitting in as much pilates practice as I intended – somehow five days had gone by and I hadn’t done any at all. I finally got round to doing it, and as I did so, I remembered that twenty five years ago, I didn’t do any pilates at all – it wasn’t even on my radar. And ten years ago, I rarely practised at all between lessons. And five years ago, I might do one practice in between lessons. Yet now, the new normal was practising three or four times a week, which is why I was disappointed with myself. Sod that! I’ve made lots of progress!

Most of us do not take great leaps forward in our evolution into being who we really are or how we want to be – we take two steps forward and one step back. So it’s easy to notice the step back, and forget to count the step forward we made anyway, and then we are discouraged.

So I think it’s time we noticed the overall trend, rather than the slips that happen along the way.

It’s as if we have a combination of the tortoise and the hare, from Aesop’s fables. We have a hare that rushes forward, and then gets tired and falls asleep, or gets distracted and goes in another direction, while our tortoise just plods along, slowly but surely covering the ground.

In order to recognise our progress, we need to pay attention to the tortoise rather than the hare, even though the hare is far more distracting and obvious, with its rushes hither and thither, and its frequent collapses!

Over the years, we get better at some things without necessarily realising it, because it happens slowly, small steps at a time. I know I am better at recognising reasons to feel good about myself and my life than I used to be. I am better at finding fewer things to worry about unnecessarily, and at getting past that worry when I do get caught by it. I am less prone to bad moods or being upset or miserable, and more prone to laugh at the absurdity of some aspects of life here on earth. And I’m better at Pilates!!

This form of progress is only really noticeable when you look back over years, if not decades – day by day it’s hard to notice because that tortoise of ours moves slowly!

So pay some attention to your tortoise: what progress has it made over the last five to ten years? It deserves that recognition, and will gradually help you to grow into who you really are.

BEING OPTIMISTIC

Ways of Remembering

It is so easy to find reasons to be pessimistic these days; the way climate change is being mostly ignored by governments; the dire state of our politics; the news that focuses on disasters and horrors; the continuing chemical and man-made pollution that is all around us – the list goes on and on. And most of us adopt that pessimistic filter on a personal level: worrying about things going wrong; our money running out; losing our job; falling ill.

But it doesn’t help! Being pessimistic means that we fear the worst, and pay attention to what’s wrong, and just feel like victims of fate.

On the other hand, being optimistic means that we make the best of things and see possibilities for improvement. It isn’t the same as ignoring what’s wrong, or pretending that nothing’s wrong – it’s far more positive, constructive and pro-active.

Being optimistic leads us to look at situations and circumstances in our own lives that are less than optimal and ask ourselves: ’What can I do to improve it?’ It leads us to look at the bigger problems in the world and ask ourselves: ‘ How can I do something positive to make a difference there, however small?’ We feel that we have the ability to improve the way things are.

If nothing else, being optimistic means that we have and emit a positive energy field, which affects everything we do and everyone we come into contact with. (And of course, pessimism has the opposite effect – we give off negative energy and enhance our reasons for pessimism).

So come on: let’s do a bit to improve things in our own lives and in the world. Let’s have another go at that problem we have hanging over us, let’s use less plastic, let’s give that homeless person some money, let’s get out and vote in elections.

Imagine if everyone did just a little bit – we could change the world for the better overnight, and smile as we did so!

WHAT DO YOU SEE?

Ways of Remembering

I watched several videos a while ago about a group who had decided to liven up the experience of people going about their normal lives, and remind them of the beauty around them. One of the things they did was to take a set of different sized and shaped empty picture frames into a neighbourhood that would not usually be considered attractive, and give people on the street a frame, with the instruction to find something beautiful they could put the frame round.

When given the task, people looked dubious – they didn’t believe they would find anything. But if they did begin to look, they found all sorts of things: a part of a chair, a pattern in the brickwork of a wall, a wild flower, a child’s face, a shapely foot. They returned their frames with a smile on their faces, and a new appreciation for their surroundings.

Many years ago, I overheard a teacher with a group of students on a school trip say to them: ‘ Go more slowly for a while, and remember to look up, down, and to both sides, as well as straight ahead.’ What a lovely instruction!

When we look more closely, more widely, from a different angle, we may see something lovely that we weren’t expecting, and allow ourselves an extra moment with a smile on our faces.

Try it out for yourself – go slowly and look well, and enjoy what you find.

I NEED A WITNESS!

Ways of Remembering,

I’ve recently had a series of glitches to deal with: feeling a bit under the weather, heating not working properly, not being able to find something I need to buy in any shops, a broken tooth, etc. None of it has been awful, but as they had accumulated, they had taken over and coloured my perspective, with the effect that life in general started to feel shit!

This is as unreal as wearing rose-tinted glasses, and nowhere near as pleasurable!

I am lucky enough to have a dear friend who is brilliant at giving me a dose of my own medicine. He listened to my sad, self-pitying story, and then kindly yet firmly challenged me out of it. He pointed out that I was letting some temporary setbacks take over my story and playing victim to fate. He reminded me that most of the time life feels pretty good to me, and this particular story is not who I am, nor who I want to be, and that I already know how to shift myself from that place I had got into.

After a few minutes, the clouds started to lift from my world, and I began to remember that quite a lot of my life was working well. In fact, I could talk about some of the good things that are happening, and could see some ways of dealing with those glitches.

Now those of you who know me will know that I’m pretty good at helping others like he helped me, but this reminded me of how important it is to have a ‘witness’ who is not caught up in your story and can remind you of the bigger perspective. We all get caught in self-pity sometimes, and we all lose our perspective on life. We don’t have to beat ourselves up about it – we just need someone who will prompt us to look at it differently.

Friends who sympathise and say, ‘Oh dear, how awful!’ confirm that your story is a hard one. Those who can challenge you back into a bigger version of who you are are invaluable.

Thank you Cliff!

‘ENTHUSIASM IS HALFWAY TO SUCCESS’

Ways of Remembering,

I read this in a quote for the day that I receive, and laughed because I was avoiding clearing out my mailbox – something I had no enthusiasm for! It went on to say: ‘Whatever you’re doing, do it with gusto.’

So I was prompted to do a reset, and challenge myself to tackle the task in hand with a bit more gusto, and less reluctance. And of course, it took far less time and energy than I had imagined, and I felt pleased with myself for getting it done.

This reminds me of something one of my mentors said many years ago: ‘Give 100% to whatever you’re doing in this moment, and then take 100% off it once you’re finished.’

These are both reminders to stop predicting in a negative way, and to stop having ‘hangovers’ from whatever happened previously, neither of which are useful for our state of mind.

I don’t know about you, but I can be a lousy predictor – I often overestimate the difficulty or complexity of things, and rehearse ways of dealing with it in my mind, using lots of energy on something that hasn’t actually happened.

More useful are the times when I set myself up to be ready to have a go at something: make sure my ‘fuel tank’ is full and have some useful thoughts about it.

And of course, sometimes things don’t go as well as we would like, but recognising that this is just part of the deal, and letting it go, rather than replaying it or beating ourselves up about it – again, a waste of energy, since it won’t change anything – is much more useful. One of my favourite phrases is: ‘Oh well..’ It prompts me to let go of the not so good stories.

And by saving our energy with less prediction and less hangovers, we are more likely to do whatever we’re doing with gusto, because gusto is energy.

I may not always manage to be enthusiastic about clearing my mails, but at least I can do it with a bit of gusto!!

IN THE EYE OF THE STORM

Ways of Remembering,

Our lives tend to be full of ‘storm’: the busyness of work, of everyday life, of the conflicting demands on our time and energy. It can be difficult to stop the constant buffeting and find a moment of peace.

When we do succeed in it, we usually do it by stepping away: going for a walk; going to bed; having a quiet bath. And those are great strategies, and important as ways of just giving ourselves a little break, a little space.

They also give us a chance to regain some perspective on what’s going on. By stepping away for a moment, we can see what’s really important, and what is merely a storm in a teacup!

And I am wondering about doing the opposite to stepping away and still finding some peace. After all, the story goes: in the eye of the storm, it is still, quiet. I think this is a tough one, so I am musing out loud.

I have had an opportunity to experiment with what the eye of the storm really means in our daily busyness, when it is not really possible to step away for more than a moment. What I have found is that it is a going in rather than a stepping away.

By this I mean that we need to find that peace inside ourselves. Now this is easy when we’re relaxed, peaceful already, in a place that’s comfortable, both physically and mentally, and no one is asking anything of us, including our own minds.

In the storm though?

So, we can begin by unpicking what actually happens

  1. I think it begins with our breath. Instead of that fast, shallow breath we tend to have when life is busy, we take a deep breath and let it out slowly – almost a sigh.
  2. Then we de-focus our eyes, allow our sight to be less clear, less sharp and focussed, so that everything is less defined and linear. And we may look at something in our environment that is pleasurable to see.
  3. As we do this, our faces begin to relax: our jaw softens, our mouth becomes less tense, our brows clear. We may even have a soft smile.
  4. With this, our minds begin to slow down, become quieter, and allow the possibility of peace.

With all of those, we can consciously choose to do them, even in the midst of chaos. We can use what our body does unconsciously when it happens naturally, and make them a set of conscious switches.

We could also help ourselves to make it easier by imbuing something we have with us regularly with that sense of peace. I almost always wear the same thing around my neck, so that’s easy. I just put my hand on it to remind myself. Or it could be your watch, or even one of your fingers! An alternative would be to just gently place one of your hands on your heart space.

And we can help to calm our minds by having a phrase we say to ourselves, such as: ‘From busy to quiet’, or ‘From chaos to calm’ – or whatever works for you. It is important to acknowledge the previous feeling or state and then gently suggest to your mind that it can move to that state of peace, just for a moment.

I am still at the experimental stage with this idea of finding peace in the eye of the storm, so these are only suggestions. You may find some even better ways – in which case, please let me know!

WHAT DOES FAMILIARITY BREED?

Ways of Remembering, ,

We have an aphorism: familiarity breeds contempt. It has always felt somewhat cynical and pessimistic to me. It suggests that the more I get to know about something or somebody, the more faults I find, to the point where I lose respect for them or it.

I understand that one way we can interpret this is that it is easy to take for granted the thoughtfulness of those close to you, the comfort of being with people you know well, the everyday habits that you know how to work with.

And it is important to remind ourselves to appreciate and value these things, however familiar they may be. There is no guarantee that they will always be there, and our conscious appreciation is a way of affirming their importance in making our lives easier and more enjoyable.

To me, though, familiarity breeds three other underlying emotions that have tremendous value in our lives.

The first of these is trust. We get to know that there are aspects of our relationship that we can rely on and that stay no matter what. With a person, this may be knowing that they won’t betray a confidence, or that they’ll bounce us out of a bad mood.

The second of these emotions is comfort. We can settle back into the relationship, even after a space away, knowing how it will be, finding it easy, not having to make a great effort, accepting them as they accept us.

And the third one is affection. When we are familiar with someone, we are fond of them as a whole person, their mixture of characteristics, and even the thought of them makes us smile.

These are all important foundations which provide the basis from which we can move out to the unfamiliar, and thereby perhaps bring even more opportunities for appreciation, trust, comfort and affection – how lovely is that!!

Thank you my friends for being my familiars!!

ARRIVING RITUALS

Ways of Remembering

I’ve just been to Maui, and our first few hours made me think about arriving rituals. Arriving originally means getting to the river bank – it’s about making the transition from one place to the next. If it were the river bank, you would dry yourself off, put on your clothes and shoes, to be ready for the next stage.

When we landed in Maui, our friends picked us up from the airport, then took us to drop off our luggage at the rental. We then went for lunch, and afterwards to the beach for half an hour, to feel the sun on our backs, the sand under our feet, and to dip our toes in the lovely water. That ‘ritual’ makes all the difference to our arrival. It brings us to land properly in Maui – and I appreciate the reminder – I might have forgotten without the help of our friends, and in a state of mixed excitement and jetlag!

And we may not usually have such big transitions to make, but every day we all benefit from arrival rituals that help us to transition from one stage to the next: home to work, or waking up ready for the day; work to home, or busy day to peaceful evening; childcare to evening when they’re sleeping; and our own daytime to sleep-time.

If we have small ‘arrival rituals’ for each transition, it is easier to ‘land’ in the next stage, and not carry over the feelings and reactions from one stage to the next.

Unconsciously, most of us do some of these rituals: the shower to get ready for the day; the sit-down with a cuppa when we get home at the end of a busy day; the wind-downs we use to get ready for sleep.

And by making them conscious – and introducing them if they are missing – we allow ourselves to land properly. They don’t need to take long – it could be as simple as taking your shoes off at the end of a busy day, and as you do, saying to yourself: ‘Right, that’s done. Now it’s time to relax.’ That way, you won’t just rush on being busy for the evening and wear yourself out completely.

Even if you do have things to do in that next period of time, the five minutes of arrival ritual will enable you to keep perspective on what you have to do, recognise which are really necessary and which can be left, and approach things in a more relaxed way.

Arrival rituals allow us to change state easily, appreciate the different ‘flavours’ of our day, and enjoy our life more. Why not experiment with it for yourself?

THE RIPPLE EFFECT

Ways of Remembering

The ripple effect was first brought to my attention by David Hamilton. His books and talks are all based on research into how our thoughts and actions affect both our health and our impact on others. If you haven’t come across him, he’s worth a read or a watch.

The ripple effect is the effect we have, not just on those we interact with, but on those they interact with as well. In fact, research suggests that the effect is noticeable to at least 3 degrees of separation. That means that if I am friendly, helpful, kind to several people in a day, each of them is more likely to be more friendly, helpful, kind, to the people they interact with, and then each of those people will pass it on as well.

Wow!! Every time I think about it, I find it’s a salutary reminder to be conscious of the impact I am having, because I am affecting a lot of people, for good or ill.

My snapping at someone in frustration may mean they are churlish with their children when they get home – I don’t like that thought. On the other hand, my friendly greeting or sympathetic comment may mean that they are more helpful to the next person they encounter – that is more appealing.

The ripple effect also means that I am aware of the impact others have on me. If we’re aware of how negative or positive energy ripples out, we can consciously counteract the negative ripples when they come at us. I don’t have to take on a negative impact. I can shake it off then and there, so it doesn’t spread further.

In fact, when we’re really on form, we can do more than just stop the negative ripple – we may be able to transform it into a more positive one. For example, if someone is clearly pissed off, we can listen sympathetically, remind them of something to make them laugh instead, help them to change their mood. That way, the ripple effect from them is changed for others too.

We forget sometimes how powerful we are. Our small individual actions and behaviours impact on a much greater scale than we can actually observe.

Next time you’re tempted to snap at someone, just remember: what impact do you want to have on the world?

So let’s ripple away to make the world a better place! It’s not hard to smile – it takes less effort than a frown – and it’s more pleasant for us to be friendly and helpful rather than isolate ourselves. And it only takes a smile to change the world for the better.