Tag Archives: thinking

ONE STEP AT A TIME

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It’s a common maxim: ‘if it looks too big to tackle, break it down into small chunks.’ We’ve all heard it, and if you’re like me, often forget it! I think the clue is in the first part – ‘if it looks too big’. Somehow we assume that this is some objective measurement, that it only applies when everyone would say that it was too big to deal with in one go. Yet in my experience, this is about personal perception, not what someone else might think. In fact, it doesn’t even stay constant in our own perception, because that changes depending on our mood, our energy levels, our thinking about it.

I used to disappoint myself a lot more, when I assessed the size of something I had to do by some external measure. I would tell myself that I should be able to do whatever it was in the time I had, and that I needed to just get on with it. And of course, I often adopted avoidance procedures, or put it off till I was forced to do it by deadlines, or failed to get it completed, if there were no deadlines to meet.

Eventually, I began to realise that if I perceived something as daunting or overwhelming, it would elicit these non- useful behaviours in me, or at the very least, leave me exhausted by the end of it, even if it were only a small thing to do objectively. Furthermore, this was doing the opposite of what I intended: it was resulting in negative results and negative feelings, instead of positive energy and a sense of achievement.

So I began to experiment with different ways of approaching the things I have to do.

Firstly, accept that it feels daunting to you. It doesn’t matter if this is because it’s a big job, or because you don’t really like doing this sort of thing, or just because you’re not in the mood for it. If that sinking feeling is there, then it’s valid, and it’s time to break the task down.

I’m an expert on this – I can break down even the smallest jobs! There are two ways to break down a job into smaller pieces: time you spend on it, and amount of it you do. For example, I might say I’ll clear 10 emails, or that I’ll spend 20 minutes clearing some emails. Or I might choose to clear one flowerbed of weeds, or spend half an hour doing some weeding in the garden. It is important to keep the amount you set yourself small and easily achievable, so that it has the opposite effect of the original job – it is going to be easy to feel you’ve achieved something.

It is also important to let go of ‘in the right order’. Often a task looks daunting because of what we think we have to do first, so do something else that will contribute to the overall, but looks easier. For example, rather than starting by deciding how you want to organise that messy garage of yours, or by taking everything out on to the lawn – that commits you to doing a lot of it! – why not just take a black bag in there and wander around putting the obvious rubbish in it. Doing some of the smaller steps involved in the job means that you can cumulatively reduce the size of the job overall, and it becomes less daunting.

Now doing this breakdown into small, bite-sized chunks, has several neat tricks built into it:

  • It’s easy to find 10 or 20 minute slots, and you can even reward yourself afterwards by doing something you like doing!
  • You’re more motivated to do a bit more, on another day – the next chunk – and the overall job reduces to a manageable size remarkably quickly.
  • You often find that, once you start, you can easily do more than you have set yourself originally, so you feel an extra sense of achievement!
  • Because it’s easy, each chunk energises you rather than leaving you feeling tired and resentful.

 

I know you all know this really, but I also know that we all tend to save the technique for those officially big projects we have to do occasionally, the ones where we feel we can justify taking small steps towards it. What nonsense is that! If it’s something I can’t face doing, then I need the technique of breaking it down – it’s a simple emotional equation. Otherwise we are forcing ourselves against our natural flow, and that is a terrible waste of energy.

Eat your ‘elephant’ in bite-sized chunks of course, but eat your ‘tiny mouse’ in the same way and give yourself permission to make your life easier!

SPENDING YOUR TIME WISELY

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We all do it – waste our time – well, I certainly do! And I have been thinking about how we can do something about it.

Firstly, I want to be clear about this: if we are going to spend our time wisely we need to clarify what is a waste of time. Our culture has become one of doing not being, which means we often call something a waste of time because it wasn’t productive, rather than because it really did waste time.

Wasting time is when you feel like you’ve lost energy rather than gained it, as you finish whatever you were doing. Examples abound in our everyday life: the row with someone that you fell into; the mindless watching of whatever happens to be on the TV; the avoidance procedures which then tighten the deadline you had in the first place; the time spent worrying about something that didn’t actually happen.

However, that walk you took to clear your mind, that time spent talking with a friend, playing with your child – these are not a waste of time, even though they have no obvious ‘product’, because you feel better afterwards, they give you positive energy. So spending your time wisely means gaining energy through the use of your time, and using your inner assessment of your energy levels as your gauge, not some cultural norm of being busy.

This requires that we create our own unique version of spending time that works for us.

  1. Notice, in the course of your day, what gives you energy and what drains you.

Then you will develop your own sense of how your energy levels are affected by what you do with your time.

  1. Start noticing the times when you contradict your own measure of positive energy

This is when we know that we feel better for it, but then contradict the positive effect by imposing a cultural norm on it: ‘ I shouldn’t go for a walk before I’ve finished this task’ or ‘ I shouldn’t read a chapter of my book until I’ve done my chores’. The give-away is the ‘shouldn’t’ – it indicates that we are taking on someone else’s definition of wasting time. So change these to: ‘ if I go for a walk first, I will finish this task more effectively’ or ‘ if I read a chapter of my book first, I will be more ready to do the chores’.

  1. Notice what helps you to spend your time wisely

Maybe you are more effective in the morning than in the afternoon – I know I write best after my second cup of coffee! Maybe you are more productive if you take a break every half hour. Maybe you function better if you allow yourself time to plan your day in the morning or reflect on your day in the evening.

  1. Allow yourself the non-productive energy givers

Getting lots done but being exhausted by t is not good for you! If you actually analyse it, you will find that it isn’t effective either; it is forced productivity at a high cost. The paradox is that if we allow ourselves that time out that isn’t productive, and spend our time wisely, we often achieve more in the longer–term, without wearing ourselves out. We weren’t designed to be robots, and just mechanically go through our days. We are organic creatures, designed to work rest and play, to ebb and flow. We are also designed to need the emotional ‘food’ of good company, time to stop, enjoying our time, to be at our best. We waste time because we are trying to push ourselves to be something we’re not designed for, and our inner wisdom rebels against that pushing.

We all have an allotted span of time on this earth. And it is irreplaceable – once it’s gone, it’s gone. Let’s not waste it, let’s spend it wisely, and make that time we have worthwhile and full of energy.

WHAT IS ‘NORMAL?’

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Recently someone described me as abnormal – and I decided that it was a compliment! It got me to thinking about what normal is. The word means: ‘according to the customs and habits of the time or place.’ It is the accepted way of being and behaving within a specific context. We also call this being conformist.

Now, at some level, we all need to conform or fit in. There are laws to hold us in check: if I don’t pay for my utilities, or injure someone deliberately, I will be called to account.

There are also some universal ‘laws’: being kind and courteous, doing no harm, which most of us live by, because they are fundamental human values, and we are basically decent human beings.

However, most of the rules we live by without even thinking about it are not in these two categories. They are just the way we do things in our culture. To take a simple example, most people take a shower every day. Yet when I was young, we just had a bath every week – there weren’t showers in most homes. And it was not that long ago that even baths were a special occasion, indulged in once a year!

Again, having a mobile phone is now considered the norm – in fact, it has to be a smartphone, because then you can respond to emails as well, and be available 24/7 by one means or another. Yet I remember when lots of people didn’t even have a landline, and the phone-box at the end of the street was used if there were an emergency. Otherwise you wrote letters.

These examples just illustrate how ‘normal’ changes over time and is an ephemeral phenomenon. So it is worth questioning whether you feel that the norm suits you, or whether you want to create a new ‘normal’ that fits you better and makes your life feel better.

Now, anyone who knows me will know that conforming is not my strong suit. In fact, I am actively working on being who I really am, rather than who I am expected to be. And I believe that we are lucky in this day and age, because we have so many more choices of ways of being and behaving in the world. We can call on different examples from all over the world and from history, because that information is readily available, and do a ‘pick’n’mix’ selection of what suits our personality and preferences.

So let’s begin to make conscious choices, to establish our own personal norms, instead of being and behaving normally. Lets’ question the norm before we just conform to it.

How do we do this?

  1. Once a day notice something that you’re doing that’s habitual: answering the phone as soon as it rings; starting on dinner as soon as you get in from work; agreeing to do something you don’t really want to do – you’ll find lots of examples. Now check this particular behaviour out: are you doing it because you feel better if you do, or are you doing it because ‘people do’ or ‘they’ expect you to.
  2. If it makes you feel better, then it’s fine to carry on.
  3. If it doesn’t make you feel better, then ask yourself: ‘How would I prefer to behave?’ ‘What would feel like a better fit for me?’
  4. Next time that habitual behaviour comes up, experiment with a different approach: let the phone go to voicemail, and ring them back if you really want to speak with them now; sit for five minutes and have a cuppa before you do dinner; ask for time to consider before you say yes.
  5. If the experiment works for you, start to do it more often, until it becomes you new normal. If it doesn’t, try something different until you find what does.

Be warned, this can create two different forms of pressure to return to old habits – after all, they are pretty ingrained in us.

  1. Others expect you to behave as you always have behaved, and will ask you why you didn’t or in some way make you feel guilty for changing.
  2. Even more insidious is our own mind, which tells us we are causing a problem or upsetting others even when there’s no evidence for it.

The good news is that if you stick to your guns, it becomes easier, and others come to accept your new normal.

So come on, make life work a little better for you by changing those ‘rules’ you’ve been living by that don’t really fit for you. Join me in being abnormal and proud of it!

IMAGINING YOUR FUTURE

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Have you ever stopped and noticed how much time and energy you spend on imagining your future? It is quite astounding when you begin to notice what goes on in your mind, almost without you being aware of it. I’m not talking about ‘high level’ imagining: ‘If I won the lottery, I would…’ or ‘When I retire, I will…’ I’m talking about the everyday mundane imagining of your future, the level of what the next meeting/encounter you have will be like, or what you will say in that email or phone call, or what going to the supermarket will be like.

Maybe you’re different from me, but I find that I have frequently run several scenarios about things that haven’t actually happened yet, starting with a straightforward version, and then adding in a series of ‘what if’s’: what if it’s raining, there is no space in the car park, what I want is out of stock, I’m feeling too tired by then. By the time I’ve finished, a simple event has become full of complications and complex ways of dealing with them, and I’m feeling stressed just at the thought of it – and I’m only going to the supermarket!

And 9 times out of 10, none of my complex plans are needed, because it is a straightforward simple event when it finally really happens. All that stress and effort was unnecessary. (The 1 out of 10 is when something I hadn’t predicted happens, and I’m not prepared for it after all!)

Wow! What a waste of energy and effort! We put ourselves through all these experiences with their emotional tugs and pulls, and none of them are the actual experience.

Yet this can be a really useful tool for us, should we choose to consciously use it. It was designed to help us, not to make our lives more difficult.

We know this because small children use this faculty in their minds differently, until we teach them not to. When a small child imagines the next thing to happen, they look at how it will be fun or exciting or different. They look forward to things and wonder what will be in those next steps with curiosity, not judgement.

And then we learn to wish things to be a certain way, and expect them not to be that good or simple. We learn to fear that we might fail or we might be disappointed, and we therefore learn to plan to try and protect ourselves from those possibilities. If this actually worked for us, I guess it would be useful, but it rarely does.

So what can we do about it?

  1. Begin to notice when you’re imagining from fear, futurising to handle made-up problems. And stop yourself and laugh.
  2. Consciously choose to imagine like a child: ‘How will this be fun?’ ‘I’m curious about how this will be.’
  3. Imagine yourself just being comfortable in the situation, no matter what happens. Don’t play scenarios – just see and feel yourself being comfortable and let the rest be vague and misty.
  4. See yourself at the end of the experience saying: ‘Well, that all worked out fine.’

If we were enlightened beings, we would just be in the moment, and let it all unfold without getting caught in the dramas. Most of us aren’t there yet, so let’s put this faculty of ours to good use, instead of letting it cause us stress and unnecessary waste of energy!

MOVING MATTERS

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I have recently strained my back and leg quite badly, resulting in a significant reduction in my ability to move freely – a rather dramatic way of reminding myself how much moving our bodies matters! When the only comfortable place is sitting still, it is not easy to stay positive, and the mind and emotions seem to freeze up to match the state of the body. Yet many of us choose to adopt such static positions for long hours without being conscious of the effect it has on us`: in front of the computer, in the car, in front of the TV.

Why it matters

Without movement, our muscles get atrophied, our natural biological flow slows down, and this affects every part of us, not just our bodies. As we become static, so do our minds, because there is a direct connection. We become ‘stuck’ in a particular perspective and our creativity and flexibility in thinking reduces. And our emotions also become stuck, which I guess would be OK if we’re feeling really positive, but most of us are not sitting in a state of bliss!

The benefits of moving our bodies

When we move our bodies, we ‘reset’ ourselves. Our bodies are designed for movement, and the relaxation and tension of muscles that happens when we move enables the flow of our blood, to carry nutrients and hormones throughout our bodies. The biological shift of flow and energy automatically releases our mental and emotional states as well.

We all know this: everyone has experienced the moments of inspiration that can happen when we move away from something, to go to the toilet, or make a cup of tea. And most of us have walked away from a situation and, if we keep walking, begun to calm down and have a more useful perspective.

So move!

In my mum’s day, before computers were prevalent, and when most people didn’t have a car, a certain level of movement in the day was normal. They didn’t talk about doing exercise or going to the gym to keep themselves fit and mobile. But we have become a lot more sedentary, and may only move in spurts rather than regularly throughout the day.

I am not talking about having to ‘exercise’ here. I am talking about standing, walking, stretching, bending to pick things up, gardening, cleaning – the ordinary ways we can move our bodies during the day.

Take 5 minutes every hour, to stand, stretch, walk to somewhere.

Walk up or down the stairs instead of taking the lift or escalator.

Park at the far end of the car park, so you have a little walking between car and office or shop.

Stretch your body gently when you get out of the car after a journey.

Give your body a chance to flow again, give your mind a chance to broaden its perspective, give your emotions a chance to rebalance – you’re not a static machine, you’re designed to move!

COUNT THE GOOD THINGS

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I remember being told when I was young to count my blessings, and getting even more disgruntled. It was usually when I had been refused something I wanted and felt like a reprimand for not being grateful enough, not being a good enough person. I had no desire to be a saint! But I have learnt that it works to count the good things in a day, because it makes me feel better about myself and my life.

Our definition of good things will be quite individual: it is the times in our day that make us feel that we are living our lives well. It may be finally getting that job done you have been putting off, or relaxing into a conversation instead of worrying about whether you have time to just stop and talk, or allowing yourself to read a couple of chapters of that book you’re enjoying – you get the theme… They are the times when we behave as we would prefer to behave, whatever that means to us.

Notice that this is about how we would prefer to behave, not how we ought to. For me, this is the important distinction: it’s about making my own version of a good life, not some cultural standard that I need to match up to – I still don’t want to feel saintly!

We are taught to ‘do the right thing’, whether that be being polite or getting the job done efficiently, and we get lost in all the rules about how you should behave especially since some of them are contradictory. Most of us develop a keen sense of how often we fail to meet the required standards, and even when we meet them, we may not feel good about it – have you ever spent the day being both considerate and hard-working, but felt resentful and exhausted at the end of it? This is not helping us to live our lives well.

For me, there came a point where I had had enough. I realised that life felt like a constant effort with small reward – we don’t get a lot of recognition for the times when we do meet those standards, from others or ourselves – and I’m human, I need to feel it’s worth it!

I still get caught up in noticing my own ‘failure’ sometimes, but I’m getting better at avoiding that trap, and would like to encourage you to do the same, for several reasons:

  1. It makes you feel better: life feels more satisfying and enjoyable
  2. It makes you feel better: you become less stressed and more energised.
  3. It makes you feel better: you are more motivated to behave in the ways that make you feel good and improve your life
  4. It makes you feel better: you feel as if you are in control of your own story rather than making constant efforts to fit a story imposed on you.

So how do we start?

  • As ever, we begin by noticing the times when we feel good about ourselves, to tell ourselves consciously the categories of things that make us feel good. It is important to use our emotions rather than our heads to do this identification, because our emotions are a more accurate indicator of our true nature. My head may say I was ‘wasting time’ reading that book for a while, but I feel calmer and more relaxed, and that’s a good thing. On the other hand, my head may tell me that it was good to spend four hours on a Sunday afternoon clearing emails, while my emotions remind me that I feel resentful, weary and don’t really want to go to work tomorrow – not a good thing!
  • We start counting. Catch yourself doing it right, feeling good about yourself at the end of an activity, even if it were only five minutes long. For example, if you allow yourself to sit down to eat your toast in the morning, instead of eating it as you continue to get ready, count it. Or if you stopped doing emails after an hour, and said that’s enough for now, count it.
  • Keep a record of your score. This does two things: it gives us a sense of achievement instead of failure; it also helps to motivate us to enhance our scores – can I do better than yesterday? What small thing would make me feel good about myself this evening? Those of you who have been to my home will know that I keep score with brightly coloured beads, hung in my living room, because I like the visual reminder of my progress in living my life how I want to live it. It doesn’t matter how you do it, so long as you do record the good things every day.

Now if all this sounds too much, you can bring it down a notch. You may begin by just counting one aspect of your life that you want to be better at: how many times can you laugh in a day? How many times do you allow yourself to relax for a little while? How many times do you genuinely pay attention to others? How many times do you take a five-minute break?

 

This is a gentle and fun way of gradually making our lives feel better, and it starts to reverse the cultural norm of noticing our failures rather than our successes. It may not turn you into a saint, but it will surely make you feel better!

DON’T WORRY, BE HAPPY!

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I always thought this phrase sounded like an instruction, and my reaction was to think, ‘It’s OK for you, but in my life…’ We are given so many major reasons to worry: health, money, insecurity of work, threat of war. Then there are all the everyday ones: will the traffic be bad, will so-and-so react badly when I tell them…, will I have enough time to… . It’s no wonder so many of us spend so much time worrying!

What I’ve realised is that the phrase ‘Don’t worry, be happy’ is not an instruction, it’s a simple statement of cause and effect: if we don’t worry, we are happy!! So what can we do to change the habit of worrying?

Well, let’s start with being clear about what worry is and does. The word originally meant to kill or act towards in a hostile manner. When we worry about things, it’s ourselves that we are being hostile towards! If we begin by really considering its effect on us, we are more inclined to change.

Worry is a form of prediction; it is usually about something in the future, which may or may not happen. And it is always an imagining of something not working out, or going wrong, or being difficult. When we stop and consider this in a detached way, we realise that it really isn’t very useful to us.

Firstly, the effect of worrying on us physically is that we live through our predicted catastrophe in our imagination. This releases the stress hormones we would release if it were really happening, and causes our bodies to react as if we were really in the catastrophe – not good for our health!

Secondly, this playing through in our imaginations is like a rehearsal – we are practising how to behave and react to play our part in it going wrong – is this really what you want to rehearse?!

On top of all this, the initial release of stress hormones affects not just our bodies, but also our minds, so we are far more likely to create a spiral of catastrophe in our mind once we start, because it is the ‘knee-jerk reaction’ part of our mind that is primarily switched on, not our objective analysis.

My mum was an inveterate worrier, so I was brought up to be very good at worrying! It took years for me to realise that it wasn’t useful! Slowly, I began to register that all my worrying made life harder, not easier. I suffered the effects of the immediate worrying: feeling stressed, not sleeping well, not thinking straight, and not dealing well with what was actually happening because I was busy worrying about the next thing.

Then I began to notice that worrying about the future was sometimes a complete waste of time and effort, as it turned out quite differently, and all worked out! Finally I had to admit that often, when my worrying was an accurate prediction, it was because I had more than played my part in causing it to happen: I had approached that person as if they were going to be awkward and difficult, and guess what, they were!

So what’s the alternative?

Let’s begin by recognising that predicting our future is a useful skill when used well. It gives us a dynamic in our lives which can be very positive. So predict things going well! Tell yourself you’re going to have a good day. Expect that others will be helpful and co-operative. Remind yourself of how well you’ve handled similar things in the past.

If you do find yourself running a ‘what if it goes wrong’ story, remember that rehearsing that story is not useful. So ask yourself what the wise, calm you would do to handle the situation well. If you can’t find a full answer to this question, at least find the first step: ‘If they are being difficult, I will suggest we take a break, or have a cup of tea, or wait until later to discuss it’.

If you are already going down the spiral of catastrophe, and can’t think of anything you could do to make the situation work better, distract yourself for a little while: read something you enjoy, go for a walk, watch a tv programme that holds your attention. This will allow your mind to calm down, and make it easier to switch on the calmer, wiser you.

And remember, we don’t know what will happen in the future – often our fears are unfounded – so put your attention on what’s happening here and now, and make this moment a happy one!

Actions for less worry, more happiness

  • Gather the evidence that worry doesn’t work: makes you feel bad; messes up your thinking; often inaccurate prediction; may lead you to cause what you didn’t want.
  • Do predict your future in a positive way: a good day; a situation you can handle.
  • If you find yourself worrying, ask yourself how you could handle the situation well, or at least the first steps the wise you would take.
  • Just concentrate on whatever is going on now for you and make that as good as it can be.

CLEARING OUT

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My mum used to always do a spring clean of the house. She emptied and cleaned cupboards and drawers, re-arranged things, threw stuff away that was no longer serviceable or needed, cleaned behind and under furniture which was not usually moved, and generally had a good clear-out and re-sort. We would all be pressed into service, helping her, and deciding on which toys etc. could now be thrown or given away.

It was a good tradition that she was following, which gave us a new start each time, and she did it with gusto, obviously pleased by the effect. So what was that tradition really about?

It is a great way to sort, not just your external environment, but also your internal ‘clutter’. You see, the environment we create around us is an external reflection of who we are, and that is something which is constantly developing. If we don’t have regular clear-outs, it’s a bit like gradually collecting a fridge full of left-overs: we are being reminded to be who we used to be, rather than who we are now and who we want to be. It’s not that we need to throw away all our past – some of those leftovers are still useful and integral to us – but we do benefit from consciously choosing what still fits with who we are now. And as we make those choices, we also choose to lessen our attachment to old, no longer useful, habits of thinking and behaving.

For example, have you still got the folders of stuff you studied? What do they create in your thoughts when you look at them? If it’s a sense of achievement, keep a symbolic piece of it, and put it somewhere you’ll see it often. If you genuinely use any of it for reference and reminders, put those parts somewhere you can easily access it. But if those folders make you feel that you still haven’t ‘got’ whatever it was you studied, or that you really ‘should’ look at them again, or keep them, put them in the recycling – you’ve got whatever you could from it at the time, and your future learning will be from a different source. And if they’re no longer relevant to you as you are now, what are they there for?!

A simplified version of this checking that I use all the time now is just to look at each item and ask myself: ‘Does this make my heart sing?’ If it doesn’t, then I assume that it no longer fits with who I have become and it’s time for it to go. This works with clothes, ornaments, furnishings, books, cd’s, all the paraphernalia of everyday life. I want my environment to encourage me to be happy and feel good, don’t you!

Nowadays it’s even easier than it was in my mum’s time. If she had something she no longer really wanted, but that was in good condition, she tended to keep it, because it was wasteful to throw it away. We have hundreds of charity shops, recycling of plastic and paper, and free-cycle or E-bay (if you don’t know of free-cycle, look it up. It’s a locally based way of offering things you don’t want to someone who does).

Now, I prefaced all this with the idea of spring-cleaning as a tradition. It is no longer something that most people do – and it is daunting to tackle a whole houseful of stuff. So make it easy – do a little bit at a time. Just set yourself to clear one cupboard, shelf, drawer, corner of a room, preferably starting with those you see most often, as they have the most impact on your mood and attitude. This is a great project for winter, each week clearing a little bit more out. You’ll be surprised how quickly the areas you’ve done mount up.

And notice how it makes you feel: pleased with yourself, clearer internally as well as externally, freed in some way.

And you may decide to replace some stuff with things that are more ‘you’, the you you are now: a new piece of clothing, a new cushion cover, a new photo in the frame – anything which makes your heart sing, that reflects who you are now, or who you want to be.

Be warned: this can become an addictive activity! I’ve come to love clearing out and sorting out. Every time I do a bit more, I feel as if I am allowing myself to be me a little bit more as well, and freeing myself from past stories that no longer serve me. We are influenced unconsciously by what we have around us, so let’s make that a positive, and useful influence – we have that choice in our homes and personal possessions.

The steps to clearing out

  1. Identify a small space to start your clearing out – one which you spend a lot of your time in.
  2. Pick up each thing in that space and ask yourself if it makes your heart sing.
  3. If it does, keep it. If it doesn’t recycle it or throw it away.
  4. Give the space a good clean.
  5. Re-arrange the space with just those things you have kept.
  6. If you feel you want to, get something new which really fits with who you are now, or who you want to be, to put in that space.

HAVE YOU BEEN SHOULD-ING YOURSELF AGAIN?!!

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You know what I mean! We all get really good at telling ourselves about all the things we should do, or should have done. Sometimes we disguise it by using a different expression, and, in the English language, we have lots of alternatives: ought to, have to, got to, must, need to – I think we have more ways of obliging ourselves than any other language!

And that is one of the reasons for challenging our tendency to ‘should’ ourselves: these words all imply an obligation or duty. In Meta we call them language devils, because they trigger an unconscious resistance to whatever they are attached to that makes it even harder to do it well.

What do I mean by this? Well, as a small child, you look at the world as a place where you can do and have what you want, and where you use your own intuition and perception to know what will make life feel good for you. This sounds selfish, and in some ways it is, but small children are also warm-hearted, giving, and generally quite happy! Then they begin to learn all the social rules: be quiet, sit still, finish your dinner, do your homework first, tidy your bedroom – the list just goes on and on…

They also observe how adults behave, and begin to notice that the majority seem to be driven by their extensive and complex list of should’s and ought’s: housework, visits to relatives, ways of dressing appropriately, and of course, the biggest one, their work life. Not only do they observe this, they notice the effect it has on adults: bad-tempered, tired, fed up, stressed – not exactly attractive is it!!

We talk about the stage of child development, 2 or 3 years old, when they have tantrums and refuse to obey the rules – is it any wonder? Then they give in, because they are wise enough to know that they need these adults to care for and protect them, so they fit in, more or less, and become accustomed to the rules.

When children become adolescents, they have another period of rebellion, questioning the custom and practice, the norms, and seeing how far they can stretch the limitations. But they have already absorbed the ‘fact’ that adults accept and take on most of the rules – they have observed it from birth – so most of us eventually give in and become the constrained, rule-driven adult that we know is inevitable.

For me, this happened after university. I knew that I now had to fit in more, take on the responsibilities of adulthood. I got the responsible job, I made sure I did all the acceptable things, and I became more and more stressed and miserable! How I was being just didn’t fit with my innate nature at all, so I was in a constant battle with myself – an exhausting way to live!

I was lucky enough to have a teacher/mentor who challenged this way of being. He pointed out that I wasn’t in control of my own destiny. My whole life seemed to be a set of duties and obligations, driven by something external to me – ought’s and should’s ran my life! And he asked me to experiment with ignoring some of them and following my own heart, and see what happened. I only dared to try it out on one thing – my whole life might fall apart if I wasn’t careful!!

So I started with washing up – a job I hated. My normal approach was to wash up after every meal, and to always volunteer to do it if I visited someone else – my mum had trained me well! I did always do it, bad-temperedly, often breaking pots in the process, but I got it done, and that was what mattered.

So I left it and just piled the dishes in the kitchen. After a day, something strange happened: I began to think that I would like to clear my kitchen up, that it would please me to have the washing up done and the place looking tidy again. So I did the washing up, with a goodwill, and was very pleased with myself – (by the way, those of you who know me will know that I still do my washing up less frequently than most people!)

I had learnt the first stages of the lesson:

  • If you don’t do what you ought to, your world doesn’t fall apart
  • If you wait until you decide you want to do it, it is easier, less stressful, and quite satisfying!

I continued to experiment from then on, gradually reducing the should’s in my life. With some I realised that they really were unnecessary and I could drop them altogether. With others, I found that if I made a choice to do them, I did them with more willingness and less hassle. It also helped if I decided when I would do them, so that I felt in control of what was going on. I also began to notice that when I choose to do things, as opposed to doing them when I should, I tend to do them in a more effective way, and get better results. After all I am no longer using some of my energy to battle my own reluctance – the rebellious teenager within – and to force myself into action, so I can focus that energy where it is more useful.

So what can we do to help ourselves to stop ‘should-ing’ so much:

  1. Experiment as I did with one of your habitual ‘should’s’ – make it something that’s not too important to begin with – and just leave it till you actually want to do it, or have it done.
  2. Start to leave ‘should’ out of your vocabulary. Experiment with ‘I want to..’ or ‘I’m choosing to…’ or ‘I want to have xxx done’ or simply ‘I will..’ Notice that ‘I want to..’ is not always convincing – I never really want to do the washing up! – but I will decide to do it, or want to have the kitchen cleared, and those statements both make me feel in charge, rather than being forced to by some external rule.
  3. If you realise that you are should-ing yourself, stop for a moment, and give yourself a little treat as a reward for realising you’d forgotten again. Then ask yourself how you could deal with this in an easier way.
  4. If you really can’t get past the ‘should’, at least allow yourself to choose when you do it – sometimes just saying, ‘I should do such and such, and I will do it in half an hour’ gives you back the control, and makes it feel less driven.

Please do experiment with should-ing yourself less – it really can make a big difference to how you feel in your everyday life…

DAYDREAMING

Ways of Remembering,

Did you ever get told off for daydreaming in school? You know, those times when you were staring out the window and just got lost in some other place and time, and the teacher called your name two or three times before it got through to you and brought you harshly back into the room! As you can probably guess, it happened to me a lot!

Babies do it all the time – they stare unfocussed into space, in a world of their own, quite quiet and content. Yet we learn not to do it gradually, or at least to only do it in private, so no-one can pull us back, or ask us what we’re thinking about – often an impossible question to answer!

I am writing this on Maui, a place where it is easy to daydream, in the warmth of the sun, with a gentle breeze, and the sea’s rhythmic sound to lull you into that state. And as I have allowed myself those daydreaming times, I have come to realise just how valuable they are.

I believe daydreaming has several purposes and that it is important for our mental well-being. It is a natural way for us to take a break from the hurly burly of our everyday reality, to have a rest from our minds and their constant busyness. We stare at something – a leaf on a tree, raindrops on a window – and drift off into a quiet calm state, no longer really seeing the pattern that caught our attention in the first place. In some cultures this is called meditating!

Sometimes we come directly back into our normal state of attention from here, having had that few moments of rest. Other times we go from there to a different kind of thinking from our normal busy mind. We gently move through thoughts which are related, but not in a linear way. An example might be: leaf pattern; a tree in the garden when I was a child; my brother; family relationships; how humans behave with each other; etc., etc.

This type of relational thinking may just play itself out, and again we return to our normal thinking. And sometimes it will lead us naturally into creative thinking, where we see unusual or different relationships between apparently disparate thoughts. This is how Einstein first came up with the theory of relativity; it is the place of innovation, of development, of different and new solutions, and of art and music.

And all this is a natural process for us – our minds will just go there if we let them! So don’t miss out on something enjoyable and easy for your mind.

1. Let yourself daydream sometimes, to have a break from the busyness of life.

2. Occasionally, let it move into that flow of relational thinking and just notice how interesting that is.

3. When you have become used to allowing yourself to daydream, you may like to ‘programme’ the topic beforehand: take something which is bothering you or floating around your mind, and tell yourself that you would like to have a creative way of dealing with it, after you have daydreamed for a while. Then consciously take yourself into stage one of daydreaming, and allow yourself to stay until you naturally move to stage two – relational thinking – and then stage three – creative thinking. You’ll be surprised by how easily you find different solutions with no conscious effort on your part.

And above all, free yourself from any guilt about daydreaming – it’s such a health-giving thing to do!!