Tag Archives: behaviour with others

LIFE IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT

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I have recently witnessed three examples of individuals who have been unpleasant, obstructive, mean, selfish and downright nasty. And part of me dislikes them intensely for the misery and hurt they have inflicted on others.

But part of me feels sorry for them, because they are not exactly thriving themselves. Their behaviour to others may in some way give them a momentary satisfaction but the price they pay for that is high. It usually backfires into health issues, isolation, and an unhappy life for them. I will never understand why anyone would choose to behave so badly, and to suffer the consequences for themselves as well.

No matter what life throws at you, we always have a choice. Those who have suffered in one way or another through the behaviour I’ve described have all chosen to react with dignity and integrity rather than respond in kind or play victim. And they have been able to rebuild their lives, find ways to be happy, and continued to have friends and support. The difference is starkly obvious.

So it’s a good reminder that, no matter what’s going on, we can choose how we behave and react, and that choice leads to outcomes that are to our long-term benefit or detriment.

It’s not only ‘good’ to behave fairly and kindly with others, it’s also to our own advantage – we are able to have a clear mind, a support network of friends, and be more healthy. I prefer to make my life work, for me and for those around me – don’t you?

YOU CAN DISAGREE WITHOUT BEING DISAGREEABLE

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What’s the most annoying thing someone can say to you? For me I think it’s ‘you’re wrong’. It immediately puts my back up.

We seem to live in a world where conflict, nastiness, blame, trolling, have become the norm and I find that sad. We are bound to have different opinions on things, but we often don’t dare to say what we think for fear of being shouted down, literally or metaphorically.

Yet the places where we differ are the most interesting spots. After all, if we all agreed about everything, we would live in a very boring world, and we would have no incentive to develop our ideas.

Disagreeing respectfully allows both sides to clarify their thoughts, and learn how others have reached their own conclusions. It can lead us to adapt our own thoughts or develop them further to enhance our case. And we are far more likely to influence someone else’s ideas if we make an effort to understand why they are saying what they are saying and why they have drawn the conclusions they have.

Even if we agree to disagree, we can still have enhanced our relationship with that person by respecting their view and allowing them their say.

Of course, I have sometimes disagreed disagreeably – there are some things I feel so strongly about that I can’t help but tell someone that I think they’re wrong. But overall, I gain more from respect for others’ viewpoint than I ever have from the momentary satisfaction of making someone wrong.

So if you disagree with me on this, it would be lovely if you could discuss it or debate it with me, rather than being disagreeable!

KINDNESS

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It seems right to remind ourselves at this time of year that there is a lot of kindness in people. The news is full of disaster, woes, hardship, and it is easy to feel that that is all there is.

Yet every day I experience or witness acts of kindness – it is a constant. It may be something apparently small: someone reaching a tin from the top shelves of a supermarket for another who can’t reach there; or it may be a big act of generosity and thoughtfulness, like funding free school meals for a year, so children get at least one hot meal a day.

It doesn’t matter. They all add up to a lot of kindness in the world and it is important to remember this, and put it into the balance against the incompetence, cruelty and difficulties so many face.

So let’s play our part. Whenever we can, let us add our small acts of kindness to the balance. And when others show us kindness, let us fully appreciate it and not take it for granted.

It will help us all to feel better and keep our faith that things can improve. May you have a joyous peaceful Christmas, and may 2023 bring better times, with even more kindness and compassion.

WHAT ARE THE UNIVERSAL VALUES PART TWO

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In my last blog I explored the values and principles that drive our thoughts and reactions. In this one, I want to look at those which drive our behaviour with others.

There is one principle that underlies everything else: treat others as you would wish to be treated. This gives us all a simple guide to our behaviour with others – we all know how we wish to be treated. Just applying this principle would put an end to unfairness, nastiness, disrespect, discrimination, injustice, because none of us wish to experience these behaviours from others.

There are four main values it implies. He first is fairness. This means giving others the opportunity to be the best they can be. It is often called a level playing field, and that means being able to start with the same advantages and disadvantages as everyone else. It also means, on a direct personal level, giving others the chance to explain, express their views, be heard.

Secondly there is respect. This means appreciating differences rather than criticising them. It also means what my parents called ‘manners’ – not being rude or dismissive.

Thirdly there is trustworthiness. This means doing what you’ve said you’ll do, keeping your word. It also implies keeping confidences and not being a gossip.

And finally there is compassion. This is when you bring your heart into the situation. It is offering kindness rather than judgement.

And all of these require that we communicate with others. This word means finding what we have that we share, by talking, listening and observing, our common humanity. We do that by real face-to-face conversations, not through texts or emails. Everyone has a story, and we enrich our world by hearing each other’s stories.

Al this is obvious, isn’t it? We almost all intend to live by these principles and values on a personal level. Yet this is not how our world seems to work.

It is time we translated all this into demands for a better world, one that would work for the majority, not just the few.

What does that mean? I have some suggestions – next blog…

BEHAVING WITH DIGNITY

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In this country, we have just had an example of someone behaving without any dignity at all – our soon-to-be ex-prime minister if you haven’t guessed who I mean! His resignation speech was boastful, full of blame on other people, defiant and without an ounce of recognition for what had brought him to this place in his ‘reign’.

It made me think about what behaving with dignity really means, because it sounds rather worthy and proper, and those are adjectives I tend not to apply, certainly to myself! And I reckon dignity is a quality that is appropriate in certain situations, rather than a quality that we demonstrate all the time. (This may be true of all possible qualities).

So when do we behave with dignity? Certainly in defeat. If we have lost the argument, it is time to admit it, and allow the other person their victory without recrimination. It also applies when we are conducting that argument: we can make our case strongly, but it is undignified to cast aspersions on the other person’s personality, and personalise the argument. Dignity is a form of acceptance of how things are, whether you believe they are right or wrong.

Dignity is also about not being shamed or shaming others. That is why we talk about allowing people to die with dignity. It is making sure that others don’t feel bad about themselves.

I think there is one more aspect to dignity. It is about behaving appropriately when the circumstances are solemn, serious, important. No-one in a court setting wants someone to stand up and say, ‘Well this is a laugh isn’t it!’

Now I am not a person who would be described by others as dignified, but I do hope that when the circumstances demand it, I do behave with dignity. Please let me know if I fail!!

WHOSE APPROVAL DO YOU SEEK?

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I saw an interview with Whoopi Goldberg, where she was asked this question. She replied without hesitation, ‘Only my own.’ It made me think about how much approval from others can shape how we behave.

It starts when we are little. We seek approval from our parents because that is a good way of making sure they look after us when we need that care. If they approve of our behaviour we are praised for being a good boy or girl, rather than scolded. And that can be a massive hangover in our adult life, where we mirror that behaviour without even being aware of it. Even now, on the day my cleaners have been, I often say, ‘ Look Mummy – my house is clean and tidy like yours always was.’ (The rest of the time of course it’s pretty chaotic – I didn’t exactly adopt the habit!)

Then there are teachers who give us better reports if we behave well. And peer groups who let us be part of the gang if we follow their norms – and these two influences can be quite contradictory!

As we begin to grow up, we do tend to establish our own norms and values, but we often still seek approval, from partners, friends, family, and those we admire.

It is hard to separate out what our true own values are, and which we just try to match for the sake of approval from others.

I do believe I could answer the question as Whoopi Goldberg did, although I had to think it through first! I enjoy and appreciate it when I do get approval from others I love and admire, but it doesn’t drive my behaviour – it’s an added bonus rather than something I aim for.

What about you? Whose approval do you seek?

THE POWER OF ‘KINDNECTION’

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Okay, I’ve stolen this word from David Hamilton. He made it up to express the importance of connections of kindness. I love it because it covers so much.

And right now, we are witnessing many acts of kindness on the news, in the midst of the horror of the war in Ukraine. People are doing everything they can and more to help those who are suffering because of the war.

The connections of kindness are both the connections made between humans through kindness, and the connection of kindness to other parts of us. Every kind act, gesture, or even expression has a health benefit for both the giver and the receiver. Kindness calms stress, boosts our immune system, ups our mood, and generally makes us feel better.

And it doesn’t have to be a grand gesture. It can just be being friendly, smiling, listening to someone’s woes. We don’t have to do a lot, and we benefit from doing it – seems obvious, doesn’t it!

I often think that people who are being mean-spirited, unpleasant, unfriendly, must be very unhappy, unhealthy people. After all, if kindness benefits our physical and mental health, surely unkindness does the opposite!

Wouldn’t it be great if the research on this topic were built into our health system and published in the media in different forms, so people took it seriously and actually practised being kind more often!

In the meantime, let’s all remember that small acts of kindness make a big difference to all of us, and keep doing them, even with those mean-spirited people. Maybe they’ll get infected with it.

WILL WE EVER LEARN?

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Like most people, I am horrified by what is happening in Ukraine. There is so much historical evidence that wars do not solve problems or end well, yet politics continues to cause wars. And the result is human suffering.

It makes me despair sometimes that we just don’t seem to learn from past mistakes. So what can we do?

Well, we can protest against war, we can do what we can to help those who are the hapless victims of the war, but then what?

We can notice the kindness of people in an emergency: people driving miles to pick up refugees and take them to a safe place, people providing shelter and provisions for those refugees.

We can notice that the president of Ukraine – not a career politician – has not run away and hidden, saved himself. He has stood up for his people, and called out the wrongness of the situation on all sides. So maybe we can have leaders who actually care about something other than their own egos.

And we can notice that large numbers of Russians are prepared to risk imprisonment in order to protest about what their ‘leader’ is doing. They are not the enemy.

It also seems to me that one thing we can do is to make sure we don’t replicate the mistakes of our ‘leaders’ – that we consciously make an effort to learn from our own mistakes, our own miscalculations, our own lack of understanding of other people’s view of the world.

When we know we’ve got it wrong – and we all do know – let’s stop and look at what happened. This is not an exercise in beating yourself up. It is to consider what else we could have done, how we might have approached the situation differently, in order to create a better, more positive outcome. By thinking this through, we make it more likely that, next time we come across a similar situation, we put into practice our revised version of action and show to ourselves that we have learnt from our own history.

It is sad that events like this can happen in our world – pray God, this time there may be some learning from it!

PEACE ON EARTH, GOODWILL TO ALL

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This blog is called Ways of Remembering. In our world today, I think it’s worth remembering what Christmas really stands for. The message that accompanies the birth of Christ is simple and profound: peace on earth, goodwill to all.

It isn’t Christmas trees or presents; it isn’t overindulgence in food and drink; it isn’t spending money, going into debt. Jesus set the example of a different mind-set, and whether we believe in him or not, it’s a great example that we can all attempt to follow.

He demonstrated by example that everyone has value and deserves kindness, no matter how different from you they may be. He used stories to remind people that it may be the outcast or stranger who actually lives the values we say we have, and those who claim the highest ground often use it to exclude or condemn others, rather than to help others to be in the same place. This is what goodwill to all looks like – inclusiveness and kindness.

Jesus also famously said, ‘Turn the other cheek’. This is often interpreted as weakness or submission, but I think it simply means: stand in your place, but don’t fight for it. If we truly believe we have got it right, we have no need to prove it to others, or try to force them to agree with us . We are more likely to influence another person by being our truth than by trying to convince them with words. This is peace on earth.

So this Christmas, let’s be kind and warm with others – (and ourselves!). Let’s be the best we can be, and let others be how they are without judgement. Let’s have some peace and goodwill, at least within our own sphere of influence!

May you have a peaceful, warm and joyous Christmas time..

DON’T BE A FIXER!

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Have you ever told someone about something you had a problem with, and had them immediately jump in with a solution to your problem? We all have, haven’t we? And occasionally it’s useful and helpful, but often it is just somewhat annoying, yet you know they’re just trying to help.

Their solution can sound condescending or just be inappropriate. It may be something you have already considered and decided wouldn’t work for you, or it may just not fit for you or your particular version of the problem.

You see, most fixes offered are ones that would make sense in the fixer’s view of the world, rather than yours. The fixer is interpreting the problem in the way it would show up in their lives and offering the solution that would work for them. So they’ve solved the problem for themselves, should it appear, but not for you! The problem may sound the same as it would in their world, but the implications and impact of it in your world will be different. Similarly, the solution may work in their world, but it may not fit your way of sorting things out, or deal with all the implications for you.

Of course, we’ve all been that ‘fixer’ as well, and of course, we offer the solution because we want to help. So how can we help more usefully?

There are two ways we can be really helpful to someone with a problem. The first way is to take the time to allow them just to talk about it, without judgement or interruptions.

Many years ago, a friend of mine phoned to suggest she came round that evening. I was feeling really miserable and that the world was full of shit, so I told her not to. Ten minutes later, she knocked at the door. ‘I’ve brought wine, and pen and paper,’ she said. ‘I’m going to take notes while you tell me all about it, and we have a glass of wine.’

After about half an hour of pouring out my miseries, I began to feel my mood changing. I apologised for inflicting it all on her, and she said: ‘you didn’t. I was in a good mood anyway, and I feel just fine. I thought I could just be a light at the end of the tunnel, and help you to make your way through that tunnel.’ What a lovely description of what she had done to help me! She had kept herself feeling good, and allowed me to express what I was feeling so it came out of my mind and body, and I could get some perspective again. Just allowing me to talk it out made such a difference.

The second thing we can do for others is to ask questions that help them to sort it out for themselves, in ways that work in their world. A few useful questions might be:

  • What exactly is bothering you about this?
  • How would you like it to be resolved?
  • What would make it possible for you to sort it out?
  • What would help you to sort it out?

These sorts of questions help people to find their own answers, ones that will work for them.

So next time someone comes to you with a problem, don’t be a fixer – be someone who helps them to help themselves.