Tag Archives: behaviour with others

GUILT IS A POINTLESS EMOTION

Ways of Remembering,

I’m sure we all say sometimes: ‘I feel guilty that I haven’t /didn’t…’. It’s an acknowledgement that we feel we got something wrong. But on its own, it has no benefit whatsoever.

Firstly, it’s always about something that’s already happened – or not happened – in the past, so it’s too late to change.

Secondly, it weighs on us and causes negative feelings, but leads nowhere except for feeling bad.

It is only useful if we take it as a starting point: if we feel guilty, what can we do about it.

If it is to do with our behaviour towards someone else, we may be able to admit our guilt and hopefully rectify the situation, or at least apologise. Fr example, if we snapped at someone unnecessarily, we can say sorry the next time we speak, and explain that we know it was us who was out of order, not them.

If it is to do with something we feel that we should have done, then maybe we could just do it now. For example, if we feel we should have finished off the task we were doing, when instead we sat and read a book for a while, we can plan in time to finish the task today.

And sometimes we will realise, when we look at our guilt, that it really is pointless – we’re just ‘should have-ing’ ourselves for no good reason. In this case, we need to shake it off and let ourselves off!

Feeling guilty on its own gives us nothing useful. It is akin to self-pity and is an indulgence in negativity that takes away the possibility of feeling good.

Don’t do it! or at least, do something about it – let it lead to something useful that makes us feel good again.

THE QUIET ACTIVISM OF LIVING YOUR EVERYDAY LIFE PLEASANTLY

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I was listening to an interview with one of my favourite people, Jon Stewart, who is a brilliant American satirist. The interviewer was commenting on his biting and funny assessments of Donald Trump and his administration, and asked him: ‘But what can the rest of us do, to stand up against this sort of behaviour?’

His reply? ‘Everyone can engage in the quiet activism of living your life pleasantly.’ It really struck a chord with me.

We so often feel helpless in the face of injustice, tyranny, bad behaviour. As ordinary people, we don’t feel we have any power to change things, or even challenge them. Yet the most powerful thing in the world is energy.

Think about it for a moment. We have all experienced the effect that one person can have on a roomful of people, negative or positive, when their energy is clear. And we have probably all been that person at some point: either putting people’s back up or being the life and soul of the party.

If more and more of us determine to live our lives pleasantly, the positive energy gets stronger and stronger, because it’s infectious. And there is less and less room for the negative energy in the world.

It’s not hard to live pleasantly: smiles instead of frowns, hello’s instead of ignoring others, thank you’s instead of taking small acts of kindness for granted.

It is a positive step we can all take to make a difference, and selfishly, we will feel better too. So next time you’re about to snap at someone, or treat them with indifference, be a quiet activist and be pleasant instead.

WHAT IS INTELLIGENCE

Ways of Remembering,

I read an article recently that was bemoaning the fact that people want to show off what they know about and outdo one another on intellect. Where I disagreed with the author was in his conflation of intellect with intelligence.

To me, there is a massive difference between them. Intellect is linked to being able to accumulate knowledge, a left-brain activity. Intelligence is the ability to make connections between different things – it is more linked to wisdom.

An intellectual may wish to demonstrate how clever they are, but someone with intelligence is more likely to consider the impact that may have on others. Their left-brain activity is balanced by the right brain’s ability to put things into a broader context.

Furthermore, the two aspects of thinking do not necessarily occur together. I have met intellectuals who are what we call narrow-minded – focussed on particulars but quite unaware of the possibility of other perspectives. And there are many people who have limited formal education yet display an enviable level of intelligence.

We talk about the wisdom of elders: those who have learnt from experience how to weigh up facts and opinions, how to put things in perspective, how to use intuition and feeling as well as facts. This is a wisdom we can all develop and is what gives us intelligence.

Being intellectual can be useful in specific contexts, but developing our intelligence is far more useful when navigating our lives.

A LIFE SPENT WELL

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I was listening to the commentary on the late pope when he died, and reflecting on how people are talked about by others after their death.

Above all, he was described as kind, meek, ready to speak out about injustice or cruelty – the wrongs in the world – and not egotistical. It was how he was as a person that as emphasised, not his role or achievements.

To me, this is a life spent well. We don’t need to achieve extraordinary things, we need to be the best person we can be, no matter what our circumstances, and we need to feel good abut how we have lived our lives.

It’s not what we do or achieve that others value us for, it’s how we are as a person: our behaviour, our attitudes, our way of going about things.

And this is something we can all work on and develop throughout our lives. We can ask ourselves if we are behaving with compassion or a lack of thought; if we are looking after ourselves as well as others or just barging on; if we call out unfairness and injustice or stand back and thereby silently endorse it; if we look for reasons to be optimistic and hopeful, or fall for the general pessimism about life and humans; if we are being the best we can be or we can’t be bothered.

I would like to believe that when I die, I can say that I have spent my life well, not because of what I have done, but because of how I have been, wouldn’t you?

THE LOVE HORMONE

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This is not some new supplement that we need to go out and buy. Its name is oxytocin, and we produce it naturally, whenever we feel love or connection, with other people, or with nature, animals etc., and lots when we hug.

It is a magical potion for us, improving our health and well-being, without any effort on our part. It improves our digestive system, it speeds up wound healing and it’s very good for the heart, so it’s a prevalent hormone throughout our bodies, and very busy looking after us!

Oxytocin also affects how we view other people. It makes us warmer towards others, more generous, and more trusting, which in turn improves our relationships with others and produces yet more of the hormone, not just in us, but also in them.

And it’s so easy to create all those great effects: any heart-centred gentleness, kindness, or affection does it automatically. So why wouldn’t we hug our friends, and family, love our pets, nurture our plants? It’s the perfect selfish act!

So next time you hesitate before giving someone a hug, get in there. Next time you get impatient at the checkout, smile at the till operator instead. Next time you’re out walking, stop and stroke a tree trunk, smell a flower. It will keep you healthy and happy.

(Thanks to David Hamilton for doing the research on this topic)

STANDING UP TO A BULLY (OR TWO)

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I have a new hero – Volodymyr Zelensky. He is the one leader who had most to lose by refusing to be bullied, yet he did it.

Bullies are a scourge in society. They abuse what power they have, whether physical or political or hierarchical, to force others to act as they want them to. They use intimidation to get their own way and make others fear them. There are no redeeming features.

The only way to stop bullying is to stand up to them, and refuse to be intimidated. This takes courage – coming from the heart – and conviction. We somehow think that this is not possible, that they will get us some other way, but most bullies back down when their bullying doesn’t work, and others who have been bullied by them begin to stand with you when you make a stand. They can be stopped.

We have probably all encountered bullies in our lives: unpleasant people who lack intelligence, understanding and compassion. Often it is in childhood, when they haven’t yet learned that there is a more effective way to be in the world, and that can be forgiven – they may learn. But when they are grown men and women there is no excuse.

The best defence against bullies is developing a group of those similarly affected – you can only bully one at a time. Let’s hope that Zelensky discovers just how many others are willing to stand with him, and make the bully think again.

I believe that fairness, justice, courage, and straightforward goodness win out in the end. Let’s all send that belief into the world.

BUSY OR PRODUCTIVE?

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Originally busy meant constantly in motion. – hence the phrase ‘busy as a bee’. It also had some not useful connotations, which we have carried forward in the word busybody – always sticking their nose in other peoples’ business,

And still we tend to say we’re busy when we’ve lots to do, but it implies a level of rushing from one thing to another, rather than getting things done. It reminds me of the Bing Crosby song: ‘We’re busy doing nothing, working the whole day through, trying to find lots of things not to do’.

On top of that, when we tell someone else that we’re too busy to join them in something, or stop and talk, it feels very dismissive, as if what they’re suggesting or asking for isn’t as important as the things you have to do.

The alternative is to be productive. This implies having some clear results, and gives us a different mindset. In order to feel productive, we need to have thought about what we want to achieve and how to go about it. it means we use our energy more effectively and go about things more methodically. We are more likely to complete tasks we set ourselves and to feel good afterwards.

Next time the word busy comes into your head, just stop and check – could you be productive instead? could you spare the time for this person and show that they matter to you? Unless of course you’re just busy doing nothing!

After all, the second verse of the song goes: ‘I’m busy going nowhere, isn’t it just a crime, I’d like to be unhappy but I simply don’t have the time’.

WHAT WILL BE YOUR LEGACY?

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A legacy was originally a message, delivered by a legate. It was an important communication that needed to be delivered by someone trustworthy.

Nowadays we talk of legacies as being what you leave behind for others when you are no longer with them, either because you leave that place of work or die.

If we were to revert to its original meaning, we would be more accurate, because we don’t usually talk about the wealth or possessions someone has left when they die, we talk about what their message, their impact was.

Our legacy will be what people remember about us when we are no longer there. It’s our personality traits, our effect on others that will be recalled.

Think about it for a moment. It is those who have taught you to be kinder and more compassionate to yourself and others who have given you their legacy. It is those who have encouraged you to develop the strengths you have and use them well who have given you their legacy. It is those who have shown you useful ways of making life better who have given you their legacy. It is those who have made the world a better place who have given you their legacy.

Mahatma Ghandi said, ‘My life is my message’. It is true for all of us. So make the best you can of your life, and leave a lasting, ,lovely legacy – it is priceless.

WE CAN DISAGREE WITHOUT BEING DISAGREEABLE

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I simply cannot comprehend the violence and disorder in this country at the moment, calling itself protest. It has made me think about our individual behaviour when having a different point of view.

It is inevitable that we will differ in our opinions – we all have different beliefs and influences. Yet this doesn’t have to be a slanging match or worse – physical violence.

It is important to remember that this is someone’s point of view – not usually the essence of who they are. The unpleasantness comes from generalising and personalising the disagreement – moving from, ‘I don’t agree with you’ to ‘You’re stupid/wrong’.

This shift provokes defensiveness and can easily move to aggression – no-one likes being made wrong. It also means that there is no chance of an honest debate on the subject, or of having any influence on their point of view.

On the other hand, if we accept that we disagree, we may be able to both explain how we came to our point of view, and maybe influence each other in softening our line. Even if we still disagree on this particular topic, we may still be able to work together or be friends – we usually don’t disagree on everything!

Even when the disagreement is about core values – the person is homophobic or racist for example – it doesn’t benefit us in any way to be disagreeable with them.

Being disagreeable or violent is just unpleasant – it leaves everyone concerned with a nasty taste in the mouth. So yes, express your opinions, and disagree with others, but please, don’t be disagreeable.

DO UNTO OTHERS…

Ways of Remembering,

There is a very simple principle to guide us in our behaviour and it appears in some form in every religion in the world: ‘Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.’

If we all followed this tenet, the world would be a very different place. No-one would choose to be ignored, condescended to, dismissed as worthless, shouted at unnecessarily, mocked, abused, left without food or shelter.

I can’t change the world, but I can ensure that I remember this principle in my own behaviour. It isn’t about being a ‘good’ person, it’s about remembering the differing effects on me when I am treated with respect or disdain.

It is much easier to treat someone else well if they do the same to you. And treating someone well often provokes a similar response, even if it weren’t their original intention, so in a selfish sense, I am more likely to have others do unto me what I would choose for myself.

I don’t always get it right – it’s only human to sometimes inflict your own bad mood on others, but I can apologise for it, and make amends.

Does this sound preachy? It probably is! There are many things I dislike about organised religion, but this is so easy to use as a guide to how we live with others.

So take a breath before you dive in and have a go at someone, and just imagine yourself in their shoes. How would you want someone to react if you were them?