Tag Archives: thinking

IT’S TIME TO BOTH/AND!

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From when we are very young, we pick up the idea that life is all about choosing between alternatives, the ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ answer or decision. At school, we all learn quickly that there is a right answer to everything and that it is not acceptable to think outside the box.

Yet the majority of decisions we make in life do not have a clear-cut right answer. The person to partner with, the home we decide to take on, the job we apply for – in these sorts of major life decisions, we really don’t know if it’s the ‘right’ one or not. And we have the same dilemma at an everyday level: curry or pasta for dinner, household chores or visiting friends, do this task now or leave it till tomorrow..

If we stop and consider how we make decisions, we realise that we do a lot of binary thinking – the posh way of saying either/or! And our final decision is often driven by non-logical arguments we use with ourselves: better to be with someone than on my own; it’s what my mother would approve of; people will think I’m mean/lazy/selfish if I don’t – and so on.

Science got beyond this a long time ago, when it was discovered that, at a sub-atomic level, there was not a right answer, only possibilities: light could be both a wave and a particle, depending on the circumstance and what you were looking for.

What if we started to consider possibilities instead of alternatives?

The first thing that happens is that we begin to extend our choices. Instead of asking ourselves if we should do the household chores or visit friends, we start to ask:’ What could I do today?’ Now we can add in other things: do nothing; do some gardening while the sun is shining; go and buy that new freezer I’ve been thinking about.

By opening up our choices, we move our thinking patterns away from binary and habitual to a more creative possibility. Now we can consider the choice from a both/and point of view. For example, we may decide to do a couple of the more pressing household chores, then go to visit friends, and buy the freezer on the way!

At a life-changing level, we may decide that we can begin to experiment with that business we would love to get going, while still carrying on with our present job, or that we could reduce our hours at work gradually rather than just give the job up.

Both/and thinking extends our choices and helps us to bring more possibilities into our lives. It shifts our mind-set into a more creative place, where we can see how we could blend duty and fun, kindness and selfishness, the old and the new.

So start practising on a simple level. Don’t ask yourself: ‘Which should I do?’, ask yourself: ‘What could I do?’ Don’t ask yourself which choice is right, ask yourself: “How can I blend them together and have elements from each to make a new whole?’

If you feel you have no choice, you’re a victim. If you have to choose between two alternatives you are on the horns of a dilemma. And if you have more than two possibilities, you can create something new.

WHEN CHAOS REIGNS, WHAT DO WE DO?

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Living in Britain right now is not a pleasant experience. More of our taken-for-granted’s have been turned upside down than most people realise yet, as a result of power politics, fabrications and fear-mongering. At a time like this, it is hard to see a way through that will lead to anything good.

It is tempting to despair, to feel powerless, to give in to the fear. And yes, I have had my rants about corrupt politics, false democracy, short-sightedness and provoking the worst of people’s fears and prejudices.

And now it is time to take stock. We cannot undo what is done; we can only let the dust settle and see what we can do to make a positive difference to what we now have.

This level of chaos can happen to all of us personally during our lifetimes: we lose our job, or our home; our relationship breaks up or a loved one dies; we become seriously ill. Any of these will turn our world upside down and leave us in despair. Let’s apply the wisdom of learning from our personal experience to what’s going on at a national level.

What happens when we deal with a crisis well?

Firstly we need to step back and lick our wounds. That means allowing emotions to run their course and become more manageable, whilst treating ourselves gently to help ourselves to recover from the shock.

By stepping back, we are able to see what is left that we can use or salvage. So the next step is to take those things out of the chaos and identify what we can now create with them to use as our starting point. It will not be the same as before, but the chaos does tend to reveal some things we had forgotten about or taken for granted that can help us to deal with the situation. For example, friends rally round and offer support, and we re-discover our own passion and determination that had got buried in routine and habitual behaviour.

Now we have a foundation on which to create a revised version of our life that works better for us. Through the chaos, we discover what is really important to us, and what is just window-dressing. We realise which of our personal characteristics are most helpful to us, and which are just conditioned responses. And we recognise the genuine support we have from others and can let go of the ‘fair weather’ friends who are only there when everything is going well for us.

For most of us, when we look back at times of chaos in our lives, we can see that the chaos led to a better version of who we are and how our life is.

For now, chaos reigns in Britain. Let’s all play our part by letting the dust settle, allowing ourselves to recover, and then using our personal ability to create something better. Our government has been questionable, our financial institutions have been shaky, our social values have been corroded for a while. Maybe now we can help to ensure that we don’t have the same story in a slightly different form, but insist on upholding the things that really matter, and create a new and improved version of this world of ours.

WHO DO YOU TELL YOURSELF YOU ARE?

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I remember being told when I was at school that first impressions count, and I needed to be aware that people would make an instant judgement about me when they met me. (I was told this because I was not behaving ‘properly enough’ for a Queen’s School girl, as far as the headmistress was concerned, and would let the school’s reputation down!)

We all know we do that instant judgement: how someone is dressed, their manner towards us, the way they speak – these things all do give us an instant impression of the person, and we tend to react to them on the basis of this information.

As the object of such assessment on an everyday basis, what message are you giving about yourself? We can choose how we present ourselves to the world, although if we try to be something that doesn’t fit us, it is hard work for us and unconvincing for others.

However there is one person whom you are telling about who you are all the time, and that’s you! You are most influenced by how you choose to present yourself, and this is a gift, because it gives us an opportunity to easily help ourselves to be who we really want to be, in a way that fits us.

Every day you tell yourself who you are by what you choose to wear, what possessions you have in your home, how you treat yourself, how you treat others, what you give your attention to.

None of us are really a set personality, despite what those personality tests tell us! We are a mixture of characteristics, some obvious, some latent, and none of it is set in stone. I know – I was one of the shyest girls in my class at school, until the headmistress insisted that I read in assembly, because I was good at reading out loud. I got used to doing this, and found that big audiences didn’t hold any fear for me any more, and also that others in my school were so grateful that I did this job that they became more friendly towards me – it was the beginning of becoming the bold extrovert I am now!! (And clearly that headmistress did me some favours, as well as telling me off frequently for not being ‘proper’ enough!)

We can develop that mixture of who we are however we want to. And an easy way to break out of the spell of how we’ve been brought up to be is to represent a ‘hidden’ part of ourselves in how we dress, or what we decide to buy for our living room, or through an activity we experiment with.

Do you wish you could be more light-hearted? Buy a quirky tie to go with that grey suit, or an outrageous pair of earrings to wear for work! Do you wish you could be more outgoing? Smile at everyone you pass in the street for a day – actually catch their eye when possible and smile. Do you wish you could be more at peace? Find colours, music, objects, that help you to calm down, and fill your living room with such things.

Every time we put something on, do something, look at something in our immediate surroundings that we have put there, we are telling ourselves who we are. If we want to grow into our full beautiful selves, we can help the process by surrounding ourselves with the richest possible expression of who we are.

Don’t limit who you think you are to the version you thought you ought to be or were told you were. You are a wonderful rich tapestry of characteristics – be who you really are in all its glory!

DOING NOTHING

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Do you ever do nothing? I was thinking about doing nothing today, and I realised that it has two very different connotations, neither of which is very useful.

  1. ‘I did nothing today’ implies that you wasted your day, achieved nothing worthwhile.
  2. ‘Just do nothing’ implies sitting in some form of calm meditative state that most of us never manage to reach.

Behind both of these connotations is the concept of some sort of failure on our part, of not being good enough.

In the first example, we berate ourselves for not doing anything ‘important’. We may have allowed ourselves to relax, watch a movie or read a book, instead of household chores. We may have talked with a friend for a while, played with the dog – and we discount all of these things by calling them nothing! Should we not be proud of ourselves for breaking out of the spell of duty and obligation, and for giving ourselves a bit of a breather, where we can recover from the pressure we usually put ourselves under!

In the second example, we berate ourselves for being no good at something that most people find really difficult – a level of stillness of the mind and body that Buddhist monks spend years of training to achieve. Yet all of us do sometimes reach that quieting of the busy mind – maybe by gardening or walking in the countryside, or listening to music we love.

So I thought that it was time we took on a third, more useful connotation of doing nothing. Doing nothing means not doing anything because I had to do it, from obligation, duty or self-pushing. It means I’ve only done what I felt like doing.

Now that’s better isn’t it!

I find that if I allow myself to sit and stare out of the window for a while in the morning, something begins to motivate me to action. I might decide to clean that window, or to write a blog, or to clear some of that post that’s piled up.

And if I stop whatever I’m doing when I’ve had enough of that, and allow myself to sit down with a cup of coffee and a book, rather than feeling I must finish now I’ve started, my energies re-gather in me, and there comes a point where I’m off again. This time I may finish whatever it was, or I may do something different.

What is happening is that I am following my natural ebb and flow. That means that what I do is done easily and effectively, and I stay in a relaxed yet energised state.

It’s not easy to trust our natural wisdom like this – we have been taught to over-ride it since early childhood – but it is a far better way to maintain a healthy balance in our lives.

So let’s redefine doing nothing. It means:

  1. Doing things I enjoy, that are relaxing, that enhance my relationships and my life
  2. Doing things that calm my mind and give me a break from its chatter
  3. Doing what I feel like doing, for as long as I feel like doing it

Come on let’s all do lots of nothing!!

WHAT IS YOUR FUNDAMENTAL METAPHOR?

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We all use metaphor in our everyday language. You think we don’t? Do you ever battle or fight against anything? Do you slip or slide into a bad mood? Do some things just flow for you? Do ideas blossom or grow? Our everyday phrases are full of metaphor, and we don’t realise it consciously.

Once we become aware of it, we can choose to use this tendency well, to help us. You see, metaphor is a powerful way of encapsulating how we experience something and has a major effect on our mood and attitude. It influences how we filter our experience, what we notice.

I was watching a programme where someone was arguing that ‘glass half empty’ and ‘glass half full’ were the same thing and it made me cross! That may be logical, but this variation of metaphor is not logical, it’s based on emotion and attitude. A ‘glass half empty’ person notices what’s wrong, and is discontent, unhappy with their lot, whereas the ‘glass half full’ person notices what’s good, what’s right, and is more optimistic and cheerful. Which would you rather be?

Metaphors relate to our beliefs about what it is like to be in the world and drive our way of reacting to events in our life. If we have absorbed the belief that life is a struggle, we will tend to use ‘battleground’ metaphor: ‘my idea was shot down by the boss’, ‘I had to fight to get my point across, ‘I won out in the end’. This set of metaphors is very prevalent in western industrial culture.

On the other hand, we may have absorbed the belief that there is a natural order to things, so we have growth, dormancy, ebb and flow, highs and lows.

Now neither of these is right or wrong, true or false. The question is, which is more useful as a guiding principle for living your life well? And we can choose.

Although fundamental beliefs about how the world works tend to be absorbed unconsciously when we are young, we can change them if we become conscious of them.

  1. We can begin to notice the less useful metaphors we apply to ourselves and our lives and consciously adapt them
  2. We can begin to notice the more useful metaphors we come up with and consciously reinforce them
  3. We can choose to have a fundamental belief that the world is supportive of us and works with us as it does in nature, and look consciously for evidence to support that belief

So next time you are battling your way through your day, just ask yourself how else you would handle that day if the world were supportive of you.

And enjoy the days where you know that you are in the flow if it!!

BEING GRATEFUL

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Every so often, I am reminded about being grateful. As a child, I had it hammered into me: thank you letters for presents, thank you’s for anything given to me or done for me, because it was the polite thing to do. It took years for me to recognise gratitude for what it really is: not politeness, but appreciation for the gifts offered to us on a daily basis.

The word grateful links back to two Latin words: gratia, which means a service, a favour given to someone; and gratis which means free, at no cost. Being grateful therefore means originally being full of gifts given to you for free – isn’t that lovely!

It enriches our awareness of all those things that we take for granted in our everyday lives that are simply there for us, should we choose to appreciate them: the natural world; our ability to breathe, think, move, feel; our homes; our food; our friendships and loved ones; beauty in art; wonderful and inspiring words and stories in books, theatre, film; music to make our hearts sing. When I stop to think about the gifts I am given, it is a never-ending list!

And as you consider your own list of things to be grateful for, just notice how it makes you feel. This is not something you ought to be grateful for because it’s a ‘good’ thing to do: it fills us with warmth, a glow; it opens our hearts; it gives us a different perspective on our lives. My gratitude attitude feeds me and enriches my life!

Sometimes there is no-one there to thank, to show your appreciation to – that doesn’t stop me! I enjoy thanking the soil and the weather for nurturing my plants, the birds for singing to me, Bob Dylan for writing such amazing songs! I like to imagine that my thank you’s don’t disappear into thin air, but create a small ray of warmth that feeds into the world and helps to make it a better place.

And if there is someone there to say thank you to, in whatever way – the words, a hug, applause – then that is the least I can do to show my appreciation of their gift to me: driving me to town, delivering my post, saying something lovely, singing or acting beautifully for me.

So just stop for a moment today and look at the different gifts that are given to you – and say thank you!

And thank you for reading my blogs – it delights me to think that someone out there takes some time to read what I have written ad appreciates my words!! Thank you!!

ALL THAT I LEAVE BEHIND…

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ALL THAT I LEAVE BEHIND…

It’s a new year! I love the fact that every year, we get the chance to start over. It’s never starting from scratch: we have experience, learning, to bring with us. Yet it also gives us an opportunity to leave some things behind us: thoughts, behaviours, feelings, that we no longer want to take with us.

We can stop for a moment and review the previous year, and what we have accumulated in our metaphorical backpack over that year. This is the stuff we carry around with us all the time and it can get weighty rather than useful! As in a literal cleaning out of a bag full of stuff we’ve accumulated, we discover that we’ve held on to some things we no longer want to carry around: another pile of out-of-date receipts; some old used tissues; a few dubious-looking sweets! In our ‘backpack’ these may be a pile of anxieties ad doubts that haven’t materialised into fact, some habits that no longer serve us well, some things we thought we liked but no longer enjoy.

These we can list, note, throw away. I mean that literally: write them down, and throw away the paper or burn it. Remember, rituals are very powerful for conveying to our minds what we want to say to ourselves.

There will also be some treasures in that backpack: some old, long-held-onto ones, some new ones collected last year. These might be memories, experiences we love still, habits and routines we love and enjoy. What are yours? What are the lovely things you have in there to carry with you, both from previous life experience and from last year? We often don’t truly recognise them until we stop and look in the backpack properly: that wonderful concert, that first walk in warm sand with bare feet, that moment with a child or friend that still makes you smile. Again, write them down, savour them, and save this list somewhere safe – and put them back in your backpack they will be useful in the year ahead.

Since we have taken some stuff out of our backpacks, we have some empty space in there. Now we all know that an empty space is always filled up again! This year, let’s be a bit more deliberate about how we fill it, and accumulate less of the old tissues and receipts! Stop and think about what you would like to put in your backpack this year: some more good experiences, a bigger collection of the useful habits and behaviours; an increase in joyous moments. And again, write down for yourself a list of the types of things you want to accumulate this year to fill your backpack with things that are even more helpful in enabling you to live your life easily and joyously. Keep this list safe, with your previous treasures list, and imagine yourself putting your wish list in your backpack front pocket – your ‘shopping list’ for the year.

It doesn’t take long to do this review and it’s fun to discover what’s in the bag, what you can throw away, and what you’d like in there. It’s a great way to start your year! Happy 2016 everyone!

ARE YOU CAUGHT UP IN THE STORY?

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Do you ever find yourself repeating a familiar and not so useful pattern? Beating yourself up, getting worked up about something relatively trivial, feeling anxious for no good reason, having the same old argument with yourself! Sometimes we just suddenly notice that we’re doing it, and wonder how we managed to get ourselves in such a state. And sometimes we manage to stay there for hours, or even days!

I think of it as being caught up in a story, like when you read or watch something gripping and feel as if you are one of the characters being portrayed. It is a narrowing of perspective, focussing in on something as if it is your whole world and nature. Yet a part of us knows that it is not real, that it is not who we really are, nor the whole story. So we need to know how to ‘un-catch’ ourselves, regain a fuller perspective, and find a more useful way forward.

First of all, we need to recognise that we are caught up in a story and not just sit there. That part is easy: just notice how your body is. When we’re caught up, it literally feels tight, restricted. Our breathing is faster, our shoulders are tense, and our bellies are uncomfortable. We feel like we would if we had been trapped in something unexpectedly. And our minds are out of control, whizzing through all the stupid things we’ve done, or all the possible reasons for being anxious now and in the future, or all the ways in which we’re hard done by.

Once we get better at identifying the signs of being caught up, we can begin to release ourselves more quickly. We need a trigger to start the process – or, more accurately, to begin to stop it! I tend to say something to myself, like: ‘Hang on a minute!’ or ‘This isn’t me’.

Just by breaking into it for a moment, we interrupt the story enough to reduce its stranglehold on us. Sometimes I can then bring myself out: a couple of deep breaths, a step or two back from the narrative in my head, and I can begin to regain some perspective. At that point, I can start to see how I can deal with it differently.

And sometimes I know that I need help. I may have recognised that I’m caught up in the story, but it’s still running. That’s when we need a friend, someone who will play witness to our story and help us to remember that we’re more than that, that we have it out of proportion. Thank God for friends!

Being caught up in the story is neither comfortable nor useful to us. It restricts us in our thinking, our behaviours and our souls. Let’s break out of those nets as quickly as we can, and be the wonderful human beings we really are!

WHAT ARE YOU NOTICING?

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I am still surprised by how different our interpretations of the world around us can be. It is a fascinating phenomenon that brings into question whether there is such a thing as a set reality or the truth of the matter, because whatever you consider to be ‘the fact’, someone else believes the opposite.

When I was studying with John Grinder, he gave me an invaluable way of approaching this. He suggested that, rather than trying to prove whether something was true or right, we paid attention instead to whether it was useful to us to believe that it was true or right.

This takes us to recognising the effect of that belief on us: whether it makes us feel better or worse; whether it enhances our attitude or behaviour or leaves us suspicious, disempowered, miserable.

I used to be someone who ‘knew’ that life was stressful, that the world was messy, that we were victims of circumstance – the list goes on and on! I had absorbed a lot of the cultural norms for how I viewed the world and the effect on me was pretty disastrous! I found life hard, the days full of problems or potential problems, and if I lifted my head above my daily concerns, the state of the world looked rather awful as well. I was a prime candidate for his message!

So I began to gradually shift my perspective, looking for more useful things to notice, so that I could begin to change my beliefs about how things were. I began to notice how much of what I did worked fine, how many people were pleasant and kind, what good things were happening in the world.

This doesn’t mean denying the bad bits and living in cloud cuckoo land. It is just about a re-balancing of perspective, so that you feel more able to handle the crap that comes your way with a more constructive attitude, because you can see that the crap is not the full story.

So just consider your average day, and notice how much of it goes well: you can eat and drink things you like for your meals; you are generally healthy; you enjoy the company of most of those you spend time with; your work or other activities are mostly straightforward for you to achieve; you get pleasure out of your leisure time. Of course there are glitches occasionally, but most of it is pretty good. (And if it isn’t, then for goodness’ sake do something about it!) If you notice and appreciate what works in your life, it feels better and you can enhance your energy to deal with those glitches.

And don’t allow the tendency of our media to emphasise the disasters and horrid human behaviour to colour your whole view of the world. Find out about the good things that are happening: the kindness of people, the innovative approaches to problems, the only newspaper I read is called Positive News and I find it an enlightening re-balancing of reporting, telling me about the good things in our world.

I’m not proposing this adjustment of what you notice and pay attention to in order to turn us all into naïve optimists – or maybe I am! Because it is optimists who enjoy their lives, and more than that, make a difference in the world. They are only called naïve by cynics!

It is useful to believe that your life works pretty well, that people are generally good, that things can and do get better. It encourages you to notice what confirms these beliefs and to actively take part in building those confirmations.

Come on, let’s count those blessings, and believe life is good – isn’t it what we’re here for?

 

LIFE AS A MELLOW DRAMA

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Isn’t it easy to describe our life as a soap opera, full of melodrama! I have been strongly reminded of this recently, as I described the process of getting my book ready for publication to someone. When I had finished my tale of woe and tribulation, I just had to laugh at myself. On reflection, it was simply a bit tedious and required more iterations than I would have liked, but it wasn’t the major drama I had turned it into, and it was worth the effort. What’s more, I realised that I could have made it easier for myself by dealing with it differently.

We all have these areas of resistance, where we fight aspects of our lives instead of accepting them, and thereby cause ourselves even more stress. So I thought it was apposite to look at how we can make a different choice. My beloved teacher Ram Dass suggested years ago that the melodrama of life could become a mellow drama instead, and that has to be preferable. I can feel my mind and body relax at the very thought of it!

First, let’s look at how we create that melodrama. We begin with beliefs we have, that this will be difficult, that we’re not good at this sort of thing, that this not something we wanted in our lives. We are not really aware of these as beliefs, because we tend to state them as facts, and they influence strongly how we react. We then employ all the ‘language devils’ to describe the experience: “ I shouldn’t have to ..’, ‘I had to..’, They made me..’, This sort of things always happens to me’. And we use strong negative language; words like difficult, stressful, upsetting, disturbing, disastrous. Finally, we tell our story to others, to confirm the version we have created, and to get their sympathy. By the time we’ve finished with it, the experience has become the awful story we chose, and we live it that way. After all, we have used a lot of energy to shore up our own resistance, so we’re bound to be reluctant to tackle it in a positive way!

So let’s create a mellow drama

We use the same process to create a mellow drama, just with a different tone to it. We’ve all done this, both with those things we handle easily in our lives and with other people’s melodramas, where we say to ourselves, or them: ‘What’s the big fuss about? Just get over yourself you silly sausage!’

  1. What useful beliefs do you have in this situation? Look consciously for the ones that will support you in keeping it in perspective, and dealing with it well, such as: ‘I can handle things like this – I’ve done it before,’ or ‘it is only a small part of my overall experience’.
  2. Describe it to yourself (and others) in useful language. Begin with: ‘This has happened/is going to happen, so how am I going to handle it?’ there’s no point in resisting it happening, it’s already there, so accept it as a fact and choose how you react. This question creates a pause, so you can make that choice.
  3. Reduce the impact of your language. In your description of the experience, use words like ‘a bit’ or ‘slightly’ annoying, tedious etc. It reduces their power to colour the whole thing. Then add in an ‘and’ sentence, which acknowledges the positives in the experience. ‘It was a bit tedious and it was worth doing for the result’, or ‘It was slightly upsetting and it made me realise that I am lucky not to have things like that in my life all the time’.
  4. Keep it in perspective. As well as being more aware of how you are describing it, remind yourself to keep perspective. After all, it is only a small portion of your life. Think about the other things that do work well in your life. Remind yourself of how you handle most experiences well, even so-called difficult ones. Remember that a year from now you probably won’t even remember that it happened.
  5. Take a step away from it. Imagine yourself viewing it from the point of view of someone who isn’t disturbed by such things. Or just laugh at yourself, like I did, eventually! Laughter always gives us a slight detachment from being caught up, and releases the tension we’ve built up.

Life is always going to present us with hundreds of opportunities for melodrama, from the trivial – someone cutting in front of you in traffic – to the major – splitting up with your partner. But it’s up to us how we interpret that experience. Sometimes, of course, we feel justified in having it as a melodrama, but often we could save our energy for just dealing with it, by viewing it as a mellow drama, just another part of life’s rich tapestry, and use that energy for more useful things, rather than resisting it and causing ourselves all that stress.

 

(By the way, the book that prompted this is called ‘It’s not Rocket Science – a blueprint for a sustainably successful organisation.’ It is now published, both as a paperback, available through our website www.meta-org.com and as an e-book on amazon. And I am delighted with the result!!)