BEING TRUE TO YOURSELF PART TWO

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Last time I wrote about being true to your own fundamental values. And then it gets more complex! There is another side to being true to yourself, which is about allowing yourself to be how you are.

It was a quote from my beloved teacher, Ram Dass, that prompted me first into thinking about this: ‘I am always true to myself and this means that I am often inconsistent’ It was in the midst of listening to a talk about allowing ourselves to be human, and not always trying to be perfect, and it made me realise how often I would push myself to behave and react as you are supposed to if you are a good person, a good worker, a good parent – you get the theme…

We are a rich tapestry of often contradictory characteristics, and the particular blend of me that I am aware of today may not be the same as yesterday or tomorrow. So we can be generally sociable and wish we could just be on our own for a while, or usually focussed on our tasks but just not in the mood today, or sometimes love being a parent and other times just want to talk with other grown-ups.

We receive a lot of conditioning that makes us feel obliged to be the way we think others expect us to be, and it is hard to break the habit of trying to be how we should be rather than how we truly are.

Furthermore, we are constantly evolving. As we add to our experience, we tend to develop certain of our characteristics more. For example, we may become more compassionate towards others as we become more aware of the difficulties that some people have to contend with, or we may enjoy our own company more as we become more confident in ourselves and no longer need to be always part of a group. So, over time, being true to ourselves may mean dropping some old habits that others expect of us, because they no longer fit so well with how we have become.

I know that for me getting to grips with these two ways of being true to yourself has been difficult. Others have a picture of who you are and what you’re like, and can easily push you back into that old story, because it is also built into our culture: once you reach adulthood, it is as if you are now set in stone as a personality, even though we all know it is not true. What’s more, we do the pushing to ourselves: I often try to make myself be focussed when I am just not in the mood because I am ‘someone who can be like that’ – and then have to remind myself that I’m also a meanderer through life!

If we are going to be true to ourselves we have to admit to our inconsistencies and accept them as part of the richness of who we are. Every time we don’t, we are betraying ourselves again, and paying the cost of our hearts and minds contradicting each other.

How do we get better at being true to ourselves and our mixture of characteristics?

  1. Begin by giving yourself a moment to reflect. Notice your own mood. Do you want to be sociable or quiet today? Do you want to be active or still? Do you feel confused or clear, serious or silly? What do you really feel like doing today? And notice how you feel physically and how your mind reacts if you follow your preferences – and if you don’t.
  2. Learn to delight in your contradictions. Be grateful you are daft as well as wise – otherwise you would be most unsympathetic to others who had such opposite characteristics! It is part of what makes us human, and most of us prefer others who are not perfect.
  3. Even if you can’t fully cater for your differing moods, because of constraints at work for example, do give them a bit of recognition. Wherever possible, gear your tasks to your mood: if you feel like being sociable, talk to someone rather than emailing them. If you’re not in the mood to focus on a task, do something simple first and give yourself a chance to gently adapt your mood. And at the very least, take 15 minutes to indulge in what you really feel like doing. Our moods do shift if we allow them to without forcing it.
  4. Pay some attention to how you have evolved over the years. Have you grown out of enjoying a noisy pub night? Then suggest an alternative to your friends – it’s quite likely some of them will feel the same.
  5. Finally, dare to admit your inconsistencies to others. You may be surprised by how accepting they are when you are honest about it.

 

I believe this form of being true to yourself is a lifelong job! As we begin to explore it, we discover in how many ways we have learnt to betray ourselves and not follow our own hearts, our own story. At the same time, it is delightful to realise that being ourselves in all its diversity is the best gift we can give to others – it allows them to be real as well. Those who love you love you for who you are – so go ahead, be silly if you feel like it!!

 

BEING TRUE TO YOURSELF – PART ONE

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I am going to explore this theme in two different ways. This time, I am going to look at the way we so often don’t live to our own values, and what we can do about it.

‘This above all, to thine own self be true; thou can’st not then be false to any man.’ Shakespeare said it in Laertes’ speech in Hamlet, and the words resonate with us. But what does it really mean in practice?

I used to have this quote on my living room wall many years ago, and the reason I took it down was not because it had become embedded in my psyche – it was because every time I looked at it, I was reminded of how often I failed to live up to it. I betrayed myself over and over again, in big and small ways: pretending to like something because someone else thought it was good; keeping quiet when my boss was being unnecessarily unpleasant with another member of staff; driving myself to put effort into something that I couldn’t really see any purpose to. I had learnt how to behave how I was expected to, and to keep my discomfort to myself.

Nonetheless, the quote did its work – it kept nagging away at the back of my mind. It is after all talking about our fundamental human values: being fair; behaving ethically; treating others with respect. We all know in our hearts when these values are not being met, yet we often condone with our silence, or with our acceptance that the behaviour is ‘allowed’ by our culture. This is how we come to accept bullying at work, tax avoidance, discrimination of all sorts, and corruption in politics. We may not agree but we see it as inevitable.

Given how complex being true to yourself can be, it can seem like just a grand aspiration. We have to stand up and be counted if we genuinely hold to our fundamental values. Yet every time we don’t, we are betraying ourselves and there is a personal cost to this.

When our hearts and minds contradict each other, it has a detrimental physical effect on us. It is a pervasive form of stress that goes largely unrecognised, and it wears us down, making us world-weary and cynical. And of course, it makes us less pleasant to be around for others, because we all sense when someone is ‘living a lie’, when they are pretending, when they are incongruent.

SO HOW DO WE BECOME BETTER AT BEING TRUE TO OUR OWN VALUES?

The first step to take is the fascinating exploration of what being true to yourself means.

What are your fundamental values?

In an ideal world how would we be treated by others, how would we treat others, how would we treat animals, the natural world? You may not have ready-made answers to these questions, but by asking them of yourself, you begin to realise what really matters to you.

Once we have begun to recognise what being true to our values really means to us, we can begin to gently apply it more often in our lives. It is important for most of us to approach this gently: learn from my mistakes! As a young teacher, I argued with colleagues and the head over the categorising of our pupils as ‘thick’ and got myself forced out of the school system – that didn’t help to change things for those kids! I was clumsy in my initial attempts to stand up for my values.

Treat others as you wish to be treated.

Begin by being the one who is kind and fair and respectful. Use your everyday encounters – at work, in the supermarket, in the car park – as opportunities to practise being with others how you wish they were with you. This makes you feel good, and trains the ‘muscle’, so that it is easier to respond to poor treatment from others without betraying your fundamental values by sinking to their level, or taking it personally when they attempt to make you feel bad in some way.

When I argued with my colleagues, I ended up criticising them for their attitudes and even accused them of being poor teachers. I was as unpleasant to them as they were being to some of the pupils. I showed no understanding of their frustrations and didn’t listen to any of their points of view. They weren’t bad people, and nowadays I would make it clear that I was not going to play judge and jury with them.

Work out what you could say or do, without losing your job or a friendship, when someone behaves in a way that offends your values.

We have wisdom with hindsight, use it! Reflect on situations that you have experienced, and identify how you could have reacted differently, and in a way that made a positive difference.

I would now use a different tack with my colleagues in the school. I would still say that I didn’t agree with them, but it would be clear that it was their opinion I was objecting to, not them as people. I would also think through my argument more: how might it benefit them to treat the kids more positively, rather than just saying it was wrong. What argument might work from their point of view?

Make a conscious choice

Sometimes we may feel that there is nothing we can do or say. We then have to make a conscious choice: do I stay and condone by my silence? Do I walk away? Do I avoid similar situations in the future? It’s OK to not always get it right – we are all learning how to be true to ourselves and our values. Just notice, if you choose to stay with it, the effect it has on your body, mind and heart. That is how we remind ourselves that it is not good for us to betray ourselves.

 

It can be scary to practise living to your values – we don’t live in a value-driven world. I just think it is scarier to continually put myself under a sneaky stress that wears down my spirit, and has no good effects. And you may be surprised by how much support you get when you do dare to express your values – it just needs someone to start, and others join in. most of us have very similar values – we need to start admitting it.

 

NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS

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Happy New Year! We have a strange tradition at this time of year. We indulge ourselves at Christmas, and then we pull ourselves back with our resolutions: lose weight, do more exercise, make ourselves ‘better’ people in some way. When did we learn to be so self-critical?

As a child, we didn’t say to ourselves that we weren’t good enough, until we learned from others that we weren’t perfect in their eyes. Nor did we feel obliged to ‘improve’ ourselves in some way that would match up to some ill-defined external expectation. It isn’t what comes naturally to us, yet it is what most of us learn to do. We absorb the beliefs that life is about striving to fit some cultural image of how we’re supposed to be and behave, and we lose touch with our natural preferences.

I’m not suggesting that it is wrong to want to improve yourself and your life – in fact I believe strongly that this is an innate tendency in us – I’m suggesting that the context within which we do this improvement needs to change. Instead of beginning from some cultural version of who you should be and what you should do – (which by the way is not constant: it changes from culture to culture and even over time within each culture) – why not begin with who you really are. After all, you are a unique and special being who has gifts and talents and characteristics which you were born to bring into the world. We all know what really ‘fits’ with us, because we’re comfortable and unselfconscious when we’re engaged with those aspects of us, and it doesn’t require great effort on our part.

For example, I love feeding people, and sharing a meal and ‘big’ conversation with friends, but I’m not into spending all day preparing an impressive meal – it’s the company and sharing that I value and enjoy. I used to try very hard to make the perfect dinner party: everything carefully prepared, the table neatly laid, the house tidied, to give the right impression. And by the time we got to the meal itself, I was tired and cross, and even with all the effort, I often had a dessert that didn’t come out right!

Eventually I realised that, for me, feeding people is a way of showing love for them, so I learned to cook with love, rather than fancy recipes and a perfectly prepared environment. It’s feeding, not cooking that I love.

On the other hand, I love the process of writing – that is where my creative urge is satisfied. I used to worry about whether I was writing in the ‘right’ way for some vague audience – was it my English teacher at school who told me I was ‘too pedantic’? – until I realised that when I just allowed myself to write, it flowed, and I enjoyed it for its own sake, whether it was published or not, and it didn’t matter whether someone was going to approve and give me an A- (she never gave out a higher mark than that!)

 

So now it’s your turn.

  • What do you love doing?
  • When do you feel in the flow?
  • How do you feel good being? (e.g. quiet, on the move, focussed, dreamy etc.)
  • What are the characteristics and talents you enjoy practising?
  • Who is the unique and authentic you?

And as you consider these questions, notice how much you allow yourself to live according to your own natural preferences.

Now you have a more useful context for new year resolutions. Don’t try to match up to some external rules for how we’re supposed to be and behave. Instead let’s resolve to become even more ourselves, our unique special selves.

Where you are already allowing yourself to be how you prefer to be, resolve to maintain it – dinner and conversation anyone?

Where you are denying yourself the delight of being you, resolve to find some simple ways to be it more:

If you love dancing, however badly, clear a space in your living room, close the door, and dance for an hour to your favourite dance music – no-one’s watching or judging, except God and the angels, who are all applauding!

If you love drawing, but were told you were no artist, go and buy some lovely felt pens and a pad of paper, and draw for you, just for the hell of it.

If you love to sit and just do nothing, allow yourself an hour a week to do just that – nothing.

In its original meaning, a resolution was a way of dissolving back into, releasing into. Let’s make our new year resolutions a way of releasing into being more of who we really are, instead of who we are supposed to be. I’d rather be myself, wouldn’t you?

THERE’S SOMETHING ABOUT CHRISTMAS…

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Anyone who knows me will know that I’m not a Christmas enthusiast. I used to love it as a child, because it was a couple of days when we spent time together as a family, playing board games and enjoying the treat of special food that we didn’t have the rest of the year: turkey, Christmas pudding, oranges, chocolate. My parents weren’t rich, so we had just one main present, and a stocking with fruit and sweets and a few bits and bobs from them, plus a few presents from relatives. But it wasn’t about the presents – it is the family fun that I remember.

We went to the local church for the carol service, although we weren’t a religious family – after all, it was Christmas. So as a child, I was aware of the link between a child being born who represented love and light and joy being brought into the world, and the love and fun we had as a family at that time of year.

What happened? Over the years, Christmas seems to have turned into a consumer event: too many presents to be bought, too much food being eaten or wasted, too much drink, and Christmas songs that don’t even mention Christ being born.

The message of Christmas, I believe, is love. It is a reminder that the greatest gift we ever give to another is our heartfelt love and attention.

So this Christmas, let’s concentrate on showing love to the world.

Show your love to your family and friends. Call them and wish them peace and joy if they are not at home with you. Hug them and laugh with them if they are: it will mean more than any of the other gifts you give.

Remember those who do not have the good fortune to be surrounded by love. How can we walk past a homeless person with bags full of presents and food? They may not even have a bed for the night. Give them something instead of buying that extra thing to put under the tree. Show a stranger that love and care still exist in our world. Go and wish that neighbour who is on their own a happy Christmas and have a cuppa with them before you cook the Christmas dinner.

And don’t forget to show yourself some love too. Make sure that you have a little time where you do exactly what you feel like doing during the festive period. Relax, enjoy yourself, give yourself permission to be selfish for an hour or two, because then your love for others can shine through clearly.

We may no longer be a religious culture, but that doesn’t mean that we no longer believe in love. If we are going to celebrate Christmas, let us do it by showing that we love and care about other human beings. Christ came into the world to remind us about love – let’s continue the tradition and celebrate love this Christmas.

And thank you for reading these blogs – it means a lot to me to know that you are there. Have a great Christmas break and may 2015 be a year of joy and peace for you.

APPRECIATING OTHERS

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I’m very lucky: my family and friends frequently tell me that they love me. I’m so glad that I get to hear it while I’m still alive, rather than having to wait for the eulogy at my funeral to be appreciated!

Yet a lot of the time, we don’t say directly to someone that we appreciate having them in our lives. We may tell someone else that we love our friend’s sense of humour, or that our work colleague is really supportive, or that our child’s laughter lifts our spirits, but we don’t often tell them.

I don’t quite understand why we don’t express our appreciation of others. Is it to do with being seen as ‘soppy’ or sentimental, that old cultural story of the ‘stiff upper lip’? Whatever the reason, I believe it’s time we revised the habit of holding back from saying the good things we think about others!

There are good healthy reasons to say what we love and appreciate to people:

  1. It makes us feel good! It creates a feeling in us that releases the happy hormones into our body.
  2. It enhances our appreciation of them when we think of what we love and appreciate about someone; we are reminded of why they matter in our lives.
  3. It is a lovely and simple gift to give. It doesn’t take much effort, yet it makes the other person feel great – we all like to be appreciated.

This came back to mind as I was talking to a friend about Christmas. Sending cards to people you don’t see or speak to very often is a great opportunity to tell them what you love and appreciate about them.

Imagine if every card you received said, ‘And what I love about you is..’ or ‘ Thank you for being… this year’ or just, ‘I’m so glad you’re in my life’. Wouldn’t that make your heart sing?

And of course, it isn’t just something to do at Christmas. It’s a habit to develop further in your everyday life.

Tell people that you appreciated something they did or said – let them know it made a difference.

Remember to actually tell the people you love that you do love them – often we only let them know when they are irritating us!

It’s so easy to get caught up in the busyness and stresses of life and to only be aware of the difficulties and negatives. Let’s put the emphasis in a different place. Let’s fill the world with the warmth of love and appreciation!

ARE YOU ALL HERE?

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Where are you now, at this moment? I expect you are in front of your computer or tablet, physically. But the physical you is only one part of the story: where is your mind, your heart?

It wasn’t until I started Tai Chi classes that I really got how often we are all a split personality! The teacher, Alan, described a scenario which was all too familiar to me – you may recognise it too.

You get in from work on a cold winter’s day, and realise that you have run out of milk. As you reluctantly set off for the local shops, your heart is back at home, sitting in the warm, your head is already in the shop, picking up the milk and a couple of other things that you have thought of, and your body is left untended, walking down the street.

I not only recognised the scenario, I also recognised the feeling of being in several places at once, and just how uncomfortable that is, like a kind of emptiness, lack of connectedness to anything. When you stop and consider it, you realise it is unpleasant, but we come to accept it as normal, and don’t even notice we are doing it. After all, for many of us, our lives consist of a lot of duties and responsibilities, with not enough time for all of them, let alone anything we would really like to do. And it becomes habitual to be a ‘split personality’ with our heads and hearts often somewhere different from our bodies, and even from each other.

Now it may seem that this ability to be in 3 places at once could be very useful in our busy lives! However, we are not a multi-function machine, we are designed to work as a whole if we want to be at our best. The effect on us of this splitting is not useful: it is an extra drain on our energy, because these different parts are pulling us in different directions, instead of working together co-operatively, as they were designed to do.

So this habit of not bringing all of us together for the task in hand is tiring for us, because we are using extra energy to manage these conflicting demands inside us, as well as doing whatever we are doing. And it’s not great for our relationships with others either: we all know when the person we are interacting with isn’t really there with us, and it creates a gap between us. It doesn’t even work well if we’re just doing something that doesn’t involve human interaction: this is when we forget the thing we went to the shop for in the first place, miss out the spell-check phase in that important document, or drop and break our favourite coffee mug. We may feel like we’re doing lots, but none of it is really effective or heartfelt, and it is certainly not enhancing our lives!!

So what’s the alternative? To commit ourselves 100% to what we’re doing now. Simple, but not always easy!

When we do this, when our heats, minds and bodies are all focussed on the same thing, we feel very different. Everyone knows this experience: we have all had those moments when we were completely drawn into something – a movie, a great conversation, planting some bulbs in the garden – and we forget about everything else for a while. Imagine if life were always like that!

Now, maybe if I were a Buddhist monk, who had practised being mindful since he was a small child, I would be able to stay in this state more often. I do know that, when I remember to bring all of me into whatever I am doing, it does work better for me: I have more energy, I am more effective, and I often enjoy things that I wouldn’t have expected to be enjoyable. So I need to find ways to help myself to be present more often.

So how do we choose to be present more often?

Firstly, notice what automatically keeps you present, and do those things more often, so you become more familiar with how much better it feels. We all have some activities that ‘entrance’ or ‘enchant’ us – these are when we are naturally and easily present. It may be being out in nature, or dancing, or doing your yoga or exercise class. It may be ‘getting lost’ in a book, a play, a movie. It may be doing a simple activity that you enjoy for no particular reason: cleaning the car; tidying your desk; folding freshly washed clothes. And notice how you feel during and after these activities where you are naturally present, 100% there.

Then you can start adding in small extras, by saying to yourself: ‘ For the next 10 minutes, I’m just going to immerse myself in this activity.’ Don’t expect yourself to do it for long in the first place – and don’t beat yourself up if you lose it! If you realise that your mind has wandered off, or you are wishing it were over, then just tempt your mind and heart back in by noticing what you can see, hear, feel, in this situation that makes you feel good.

And keep collecting the evidence that being 100% in one place at any one time is easier on us, and elicits more positive responses from others, as well as being more effective.

As I’m writing this, I’m wondering why I don’t practise this more often – there’s no downside to it!! So I’m off to be present with whatever I do next – how about you??

Being present more often

  • Notice how uncomfortable it can be to be a ‘split personality’
  • Notice the times when it comes naturally to you to be 100% present, and become aware of how it feels and the effect it has on you and on others around you
  • Practise consciously to be present, bring all of you into a situation for small lengths of time
  • Gently bring your heart and mind back into situations when they have wandered off, by noticing what you can see, hear, feel in the situation
  • Keep collecting evidence that being fully present works, for you, for those around you, and for bringing out the best in you without effort

DON’T WORRY, BE HAPPY!

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I always thought this phrase sounded like an instruction, and my reaction was to think, ‘It’s OK for you, but in my life…’ We are given so many major reasons to worry: health, money, insecurity of work, threat of war. Then there are all the everyday ones: will the traffic be bad, will so-and-so react badly when I tell them…, will I have enough time to… . It’s no wonder so many of us spend so much time worrying!

What I’ve realised is that the phrase ‘Don’t worry, be happy’ is not an instruction, it’s a simple statement of cause and effect: if we don’t worry, we are happy!! So what can we do to change the habit of worrying?

Well, let’s start with being clear about what worry is and does. The word originally meant to kill or act towards in a hostile manner. When we worry about things, it’s ourselves that we are being hostile towards! If we begin by really considering its effect on us, we are more inclined to change.

Worry is a form of prediction; it is usually about something in the future, which may or may not happen. And it is always an imagining of something not working out, or going wrong, or being difficult. When we stop and consider this in a detached way, we realise that it really isn’t very useful to us.

Firstly, the effect of worrying on us physically is that we live through our predicted catastrophe in our imagination. This releases the stress hormones we would release if it were really happening, and causes our bodies to react as if we were really in the catastrophe – not good for our health!

Secondly, this playing through in our imaginations is like a rehearsal – we are practising how to behave and react to play our part in it going wrong – is this really what you want to rehearse?!

On top of all this, the initial release of stress hormones affects not just our bodies, but also our minds, so we are far more likely to create a spiral of catastrophe in our mind once we start, because it is the ‘knee-jerk reaction’ part of our mind that is primarily switched on, not our objective analysis.

My mum was an inveterate worrier, so I was brought up to be very good at worrying! It took years for me to realise that it wasn’t useful! Slowly, I began to register that all my worrying made life harder, not easier. I suffered the effects of the immediate worrying: feeling stressed, not sleeping well, not thinking straight, and not dealing well with what was actually happening because I was busy worrying about the next thing.

Then I began to notice that worrying about the future was sometimes a complete waste of time and effort, as it turned out quite differently, and all worked out! Finally I had to admit that often, when my worrying was an accurate prediction, it was because I had more than played my part in causing it to happen: I had approached that person as if they were going to be awkward and difficult, and guess what, they were!

So what’s the alternative?

Let’s begin by recognising that predicting our future is a useful skill when used well. It gives us a dynamic in our lives which can be very positive. So predict things going well! Tell yourself you’re going to have a good day. Expect that others will be helpful and co-operative. Remind yourself of how well you’ve handled similar things in the past.

If you do find yourself running a ‘what if it goes wrong’ story, remember that rehearsing that story is not useful. So ask yourself what the wise, calm you would do to handle the situation well. If you can’t find a full answer to this question, at least find the first step: ‘If they are being difficult, I will suggest we take a break, or have a cup of tea, or wait until later to discuss it’.

If you are already going down the spiral of catastrophe, and can’t think of anything you could do to make the situation work better, distract yourself for a little while: read something you enjoy, go for a walk, watch a tv programme that holds your attention. This will allow your mind to calm down, and make it easier to switch on the calmer, wiser you.

And remember, we don’t know what will happen in the future – often our fears are unfounded – so put your attention on what’s happening here and now, and make this moment a happy one!

Actions for less worry, more happiness

  • Gather the evidence that worry doesn’t work: makes you feel bad; messes up your thinking; often inaccurate prediction; may lead you to cause what you didn’t want.
  • Do predict your future in a positive way: a good day; a situation you can handle.
  • If you find yourself worrying, ask yourself how you could handle the situation well, or at least the first steps the wise you would take.
  • Just concentrate on whatever is going on now for you and make that as good as it can be.

CHANGING THE PACE OF LIFE

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Most of you who read this live, as I do, in temperate climes. That means we are just experiencing the dramatic change to the length of our day, where not only do the days get shorter naturally, but we put our clocks back and emphasise the shift, so darkness starts even earlier. As those of you who know me know, I am not a winter person; in fact I have been known to be really awful at dealing with the cold short days!

However, over the years I have gradually learnt to deal more effectively with it, and intend to continue to see if I can change the effect on me.

We have learnt to take no notice of the natural seasonal changes, carrying on with our normal busy lives, and acting as if nature has no part to play in how we act, but this is not true. Our bodies are biologically designed to interact with the natural world around us, and if we can cater for this in some ways, we will make life easier for ourselves.

After all, even doctors are now acknowledging that there may be something in this interaction with the seasonal changes – we now have SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) seen as a reality, and as something physical, not just psychological. And on a more anecdotal level, notice that people’s moods are often adversely affected by grey skies, cold, rain, and that we are more inclined to just curl up in front of the TV in these long evenings.

So what can we do to make it easier for ourselves?

First of all, remember that we physically need daylight. It helps regulate our body clock so we sleep properly, and some believe that it stimulates our pituitary gland and helps us to produce the vitamin D we need for our health, particularly if there is some sunshine. So see if you can get out into the daylight, however dull it may be, for 15 minutes a day. Many people go from home to car to work and back again for 5 days a week, with only seconds spent outside in the light. A short walk at lunchtime could make a big difference to how you feel.

Then look at what you expect yourself to do, and see if you can make some seasonal adjustments. At this time of year, your body is beginning to prepare for some form of hibernation – a slowing down for the winter period. We may not be able to change our working patterns, but we can certainly change our rest-of-life patterns, to cater somewhat for the natural inclination of our bodies. When we were hunter-gatherers, late autumn and winter was the time to rest and recuperate, and to catch up on ourselves. So give yourself permission to do the same.

This is a good time for indoor projects, as I suggested in my last blog. Do a bit of clearing out, and make your home even more comfortable and welcoming.

Do something creative: make a different evening meal, get out those drawing materials and play with them, learn to make your own Christmas decorations, or read about something you’ve been interested in for a while.

Make the long winter evenings a time you look forward to, when you indulge in something you enjoy: do a jigsaw, read a book, watch a movie.

And remember the rest and recuperation part of the story. Catch up on your sleep, and allow yourself to recover from the cumulative exhaustion of your busy life. Have friends round and enjoy a sociable evening of food, drink and conversation. Make some hearty winter food: home-made soup, a good roast dinner – things that feel heart-warming.

Weekends are an opportunity to top up on some daylight as well. If you have children, take them to a country park or local play area – they still have the instinct to be outdoors in the daylight when you can. And just notice the plants changing: leaves dropping, berries on bushes, the touch of frost sparkling, and everything quietening down to rest, ready to spring to life again in a few months.

This is a time of permission to power down for a while, to build your energy to take full advantage of the surge of spring. Go with it, and you will transform your winter.

Actions to take

  1. Take a short walk every day and get some fresh air
  2. Give yourself a winter project – something to make your home feel even more welcoming
  3. Do something creative that’s also fun
  4. Do something you enjoy that you can do at home
  5. Catch up on your sleep – let yourself sleep for longer than usual when you can
  6. Make some hearty winter food
  7. Relax with friends
  8. Notice and enjoy the changes in the natural world

CLEARING OUT

Ways of Remembering, ,

My mum used to always do a spring clean of the house. She emptied and cleaned cupboards and drawers, re-arranged things, threw stuff away that was no longer serviceable or needed, cleaned behind and under furniture which was not usually moved, and generally had a good clear-out and re-sort. We would all be pressed into service, helping her, and deciding on which toys etc. could now be thrown or given away.

It was a good tradition that she was following, which gave us a new start each time, and she did it with gusto, obviously pleased by the effect. So what was that tradition really about?

It is a great way to sort, not just your external environment, but also your internal ‘clutter’. You see, the environment we create around us is an external reflection of who we are, and that is something which is constantly developing. If we don’t have regular clear-outs, it’s a bit like gradually collecting a fridge full of left-overs: we are being reminded to be who we used to be, rather than who we are now and who we want to be. It’s not that we need to throw away all our past – some of those leftovers are still useful and integral to us – but we do benefit from consciously choosing what still fits with who we are now. And as we make those choices, we also choose to lessen our attachment to old, no longer useful, habits of thinking and behaving.

For example, have you still got the folders of stuff you studied? What do they create in your thoughts when you look at them? If it’s a sense of achievement, keep a symbolic piece of it, and put it somewhere you’ll see it often. If you genuinely use any of it for reference and reminders, put those parts somewhere you can easily access it. But if those folders make you feel that you still haven’t ‘got’ whatever it was you studied, or that you really ‘should’ look at them again, or keep them, put them in the recycling – you’ve got whatever you could from it at the time, and your future learning will be from a different source. And if they’re no longer relevant to you as you are now, what are they there for?!

A simplified version of this checking that I use all the time now is just to look at each item and ask myself: ‘Does this make my heart sing?’ If it doesn’t, then I assume that it no longer fits with who I have become and it’s time for it to go. This works with clothes, ornaments, furnishings, books, cd’s, all the paraphernalia of everyday life. I want my environment to encourage me to be happy and feel good, don’t you!

Nowadays it’s even easier than it was in my mum’s time. If she had something she no longer really wanted, but that was in good condition, she tended to keep it, because it was wasteful to throw it away. We have hundreds of charity shops, recycling of plastic and paper, and free-cycle or E-bay (if you don’t know of free-cycle, look it up. It’s a locally based way of offering things you don’t want to someone who does).

Now, I prefaced all this with the idea of spring-cleaning as a tradition. It is no longer something that most people do – and it is daunting to tackle a whole houseful of stuff. So make it easy – do a little bit at a time. Just set yourself to clear one cupboard, shelf, drawer, corner of a room, preferably starting with those you see most often, as they have the most impact on your mood and attitude. This is a great project for winter, each week clearing a little bit more out. You’ll be surprised how quickly the areas you’ve done mount up.

And notice how it makes you feel: pleased with yourself, clearer internally as well as externally, freed in some way.

And you may decide to replace some stuff with things that are more ‘you’, the you you are now: a new piece of clothing, a new cushion cover, a new photo in the frame – anything which makes your heart sing, that reflects who you are now, or who you want to be.

Be warned: this can become an addictive activity! I’ve come to love clearing out and sorting out. Every time I do a bit more, I feel as if I am allowing myself to be me a little bit more as well, and freeing myself from past stories that no longer serve me. We are influenced unconsciously by what we have around us, so let’s make that a positive, and useful influence – we have that choice in our homes and personal possessions.

The steps to clearing out

  1. Identify a small space to start your clearing out – one which you spend a lot of your time in.
  2. Pick up each thing in that space and ask yourself if it makes your heart sing.
  3. If it does, keep it. If it doesn’t recycle it or throw it away.
  4. Give the space a good clean.
  5. Re-arrange the space with just those things you have kept.
  6. If you feel you want to, get something new which really fits with who you are now, or who you want to be, to put in that space.

HAVE YOU BEEN SHOULD-ING YOURSELF AGAIN?!!

Ways of Remembering, ,

You know what I mean! We all get really good at telling ourselves about all the things we should do, or should have done. Sometimes we disguise it by using a different expression, and, in the English language, we have lots of alternatives: ought to, have to, got to, must, need to – I think we have more ways of obliging ourselves than any other language!

And that is one of the reasons for challenging our tendency to ‘should’ ourselves: these words all imply an obligation or duty. In Meta we call them language devils, because they trigger an unconscious resistance to whatever they are attached to that makes it even harder to do it well.

What do I mean by this? Well, as a small child, you look at the world as a place where you can do and have what you want, and where you use your own intuition and perception to know what will make life feel good for you. This sounds selfish, and in some ways it is, but small children are also warm-hearted, giving, and generally quite happy! Then they begin to learn all the social rules: be quiet, sit still, finish your dinner, do your homework first, tidy your bedroom – the list just goes on and on…

They also observe how adults behave, and begin to notice that the majority seem to be driven by their extensive and complex list of should’s and ought’s: housework, visits to relatives, ways of dressing appropriately, and of course, the biggest one, their work life. Not only do they observe this, they notice the effect it has on adults: bad-tempered, tired, fed up, stressed – not exactly attractive is it!!

We talk about the stage of child development, 2 or 3 years old, when they have tantrums and refuse to obey the rules – is it any wonder? Then they give in, because they are wise enough to know that they need these adults to care for and protect them, so they fit in, more or less, and become accustomed to the rules.

When children become adolescents, they have another period of rebellion, questioning the custom and practice, the norms, and seeing how far they can stretch the limitations. But they have already absorbed the ‘fact’ that adults accept and take on most of the rules – they have observed it from birth – so most of us eventually give in and become the constrained, rule-driven adult that we know is inevitable.

For me, this happened after university. I knew that I now had to fit in more, take on the responsibilities of adulthood. I got the responsible job, I made sure I did all the acceptable things, and I became more and more stressed and miserable! How I was being just didn’t fit with my innate nature at all, so I was in a constant battle with myself – an exhausting way to live!

I was lucky enough to have a teacher/mentor who challenged this way of being. He pointed out that I wasn’t in control of my own destiny. My whole life seemed to be a set of duties and obligations, driven by something external to me – ought’s and should’s ran my life! And he asked me to experiment with ignoring some of them and following my own heart, and see what happened. I only dared to try it out on one thing – my whole life might fall apart if I wasn’t careful!!

So I started with washing up – a job I hated. My normal approach was to wash up after every meal, and to always volunteer to do it if I visited someone else – my mum had trained me well! I did always do it, bad-temperedly, often breaking pots in the process, but I got it done, and that was what mattered.

So I left it and just piled the dishes in the kitchen. After a day, something strange happened: I began to think that I would like to clear my kitchen up, that it would please me to have the washing up done and the place looking tidy again. So I did the washing up, with a goodwill, and was very pleased with myself – (by the way, those of you who know me will know that I still do my washing up less frequently than most people!)

I had learnt the first stages of the lesson:

  • If you don’t do what you ought to, your world doesn’t fall apart
  • If you wait until you decide you want to do it, it is easier, less stressful, and quite satisfying!

I continued to experiment from then on, gradually reducing the should’s in my life. With some I realised that they really were unnecessary and I could drop them altogether. With others, I found that if I made a choice to do them, I did them with more willingness and less hassle. It also helped if I decided when I would do them, so that I felt in control of what was going on. I also began to notice that when I choose to do things, as opposed to doing them when I should, I tend to do them in a more effective way, and get better results. After all I am no longer using some of my energy to battle my own reluctance – the rebellious teenager within – and to force myself into action, so I can focus that energy where it is more useful.

So what can we do to help ourselves to stop ‘should-ing’ so much:

  1. Experiment as I did with one of your habitual ‘should’s’ – make it something that’s not too important to begin with – and just leave it till you actually want to do it, or have it done.
  2. Start to leave ‘should’ out of your vocabulary. Experiment with ‘I want to..’ or ‘I’m choosing to…’ or ‘I want to have xxx done’ or simply ‘I will..’ Notice that ‘I want to..’ is not always convincing – I never really want to do the washing up! – but I will decide to do it, or want to have the kitchen cleared, and those statements both make me feel in charge, rather than being forced to by some external rule.
  3. If you realise that you are should-ing yourself, stop for a moment, and give yourself a little treat as a reward for realising you’d forgotten again. Then ask yourself how you could deal with this in an easier way.
  4. If you really can’t get past the ‘should’, at least allow yourself to choose when you do it – sometimes just saying, ‘I should do such and such, and I will do it in half an hour’ gives you back the control, and makes it feel less driven.

Please do experiment with should-ing yourself less – it really can make a big difference to how you feel in your everyday life…