Tag Archives: appreciation

TRUE HOSPITALITY

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I read a fascinating article recently about the real meaning of hospitality, and it made me realise how far we have moved away from that when we now use the word as a description for a type of business.

The etymology of the word is hospes, which in Latin means both host and guest, because it was used to express the interchange, the connection between the two – you cannot be a guest without a hist, or a host without a guest.

This immediately made sense to me. There is such pleasure in preparing a meal for somebody and it being appreciated, or just welcoming them in with a cup of coffee and a biscuit and having lively conversation.

And of course, being the guest is lovely when someone makes you feel welcome and has metaphorically opened their arms to you.

Appreciating both sides of this true hospitality creates a feeling of warmth and affection, which we all need. This is interaction at its best and deserves more recognition.

So often we take the whole process for granted, but I think it’s worth taking a moment to appreciate a welcome and to appreciate the warm reaction when you make someone welcome.

Let’s be truly hospitable and spread a little more warmth in the world.

ATELIC ACTIVITIES

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I have an extensive vocabulary, but I have never before come across the word atelic. It means doing something for its own sake, with no particular outcome or purpose in mind, just for the enjoyment of doing it. I love it! it’s the opposite of an instrumental activity, something you do to achieve something.

For example, are you going for a walk to keep fit or to exercise the dog – instrumental – or are you going for a walk because you enjoy it for its own sake. It could well be the same walk, but it has very different flavours.

When we engage ins something in an atelic way, we give ourselves fully to the experience. We aren’t thinking about what to have for dinner, or what we need to do when we get home, or how quickly we can get this over with. We are there, present with the experience, paying attention to it. This not only makes it more enjoyable, it also quiets our mind and gives us respite from our normal busyness.

This is such a simple shift of perspective, which we experience once in a while, maybe while watching a good movie, or doing a hobby we love.

But we could experience it every day, giving ourselves a break for half an hour by doing something we enjoy for its own sake.

What a lovely way to improve our wellbeing, our lives, and so simple!

BEAUTY IS NOT PERFECTION

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There have always been cultural versions of perfection that are almost impossible to match: skinny models; muscular bodies; social media influencers – so many versions. Yet this is not beauty.

Our beauty shines through when we forget what others may think of us, how we should look, or what we should do. It shows when we are comfortable in our own skin, and when we are just being, without any consideration of how it may appear to others.

This is why it is so much easier to describe a plant or tree or animal or baby as beautiful – they’re not trying to impress us, they’re just being.

If beauty were an ideal shape, size, appearance to aim for, there would be a universal definition for it, but there clearly isn’t. This type of attractiveness changes across history, across cultures.

Beauty is defined by the clear spirit behind it, someone or something in their element, being who or what they are.

When we write or draw something to impress other people, or we ‘dress to impress’, we are betraying our own essence.

When our words, our art, our manner, flow from the heart, we allow our beauty through.

So be beautiful today!

THE VALUE OF REMEMBERING

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Okay, I’m not talking about memory tests here: did I remember to get something out of the freezer, or someone’s birthday. Those things are really recall – did I keep that in the front of my mind.

I’m talking about those memories that pop up sometimes because something reminds us of them. For example, we may hear a song on the radio, or see an old-fashioned sweet in a shop, or watch a programme about a place we have visited. This is rich remembering for several reasons.

It tends to have detail that we weren’t conscious of absorbing at the time. So a song may make us think of particular people, places, moods and feelings. Or a sweet may evoke a whole period of our childhood.

Remembering also gives us a chance to review the significance of things in our past. It may have seemed catastrophic at the time, yet now we can laugh at it. or it may have seemed unimportant, yet now we can see how it helped us to grow in some way or played a part in a bigger pattern in our lives.

Remembering is putting things back together, joining them up. It means that we put singular events into a bigger context, the context of our whole lives till now.

Remembering helps us to value and understand who we are and how we’ve developed. It helps us to let ourselves i=off, so we don’t feel bad about things in our past: ‘I was only a youngster’, or ‘that was pretty awful, no wonder I felt like that’.

And above all, it can be delightful to remember times when we felt happy, had fun, enjoyed our lives – it brings back those same feelings.

So enjoy those times when you reminisce, on your own or with others, and even prompt it sometimes to remind yourself of the richness of your life.

SMALL ACTS OF KINDNESS

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One of the many reasons why in-person interactions are important is that they give us the opportunity to give and receive small acts of kindness.

A recent study showed that, across different cultures and age groups, there are frequent moments of kindness, where people offer each other help – and we probably don’t notice it: holding the door open for you; making a cup of tea; reaching down something from a top shelf; giving you directions to somewhere; helping you look for something you’ve lost; even just greeting you pleasantly.

The researchers’ conclusion was that these small acts of kindness are a part of our inherent nature – we are built that way. And it makes sense. Each of those moments releases the ‘happy hormones’ in our body, for both the receiver and the giver, and this helps to keep us healthy and build our immune system. We increase this effect when we notice and say thank you. Gratitude is a bonus that we all appreciate.

If you wonder whether this is real, just spend a day noticing how, in your interactions, you lend a hand to someone else, or they help you. Did they rinse the cup for the second cup of coffee while you put the kettle on? Did they clear the table? Did they pick up something you dropped and give it back to you? Did they slow or speed up their pace to match you? It happens all the time.

Aren’t we lucky!!

ARE YOU PAYING ATTENTION?

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I remember when I was a teacher, one of my students throwing a pencil at me. I told him off and his retort was: ‘At least I got your attention for a moment!’ I realised that I had got it wrong, not him, if he had to misbehave for me to notice him. Yet we’re all quite poor at paying attention to what’s going on.

Most of us get used to half-listening: to the news, to some tv programmes, to other people’s conversations. Our mind is really elsewhere, but occasionally a word or phrase will catch our attention. And that’s fine in those circumstances.

However, it’s not so good when we’re having a conversation ourselves with someone. We all know instinctively when someone is only half-listening. Some people just stop talking, others try all sorts of tacks to see if they can gain our attention. And we all feel deprived, dismissed by the other person.

Proper attention to someone is a real gift we can give. It not only makes them feel valued, it also often gives us insights, a closer relationship with them, and enables us to appreciate them more.

Real attention means keeping your focus on their words, but also the nuances of those words, and the non-verbal signals they give off as well. It occupies not just our minds, but also our guts and our heart.

And a little attention goes a long way. Five minutes of real attention is more valuable than thirty minutes of half-hearted listening. If we pay attention at the start of the conversation, we will know instinctively whether we need to continue or we can drift a bit.

So give those around you a bit more attention – it’s the gift we all want and need.

LOOKING FOR THE CHINKS OF LIGHT

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We are living in tough times. There is far more bad news than good – one thing after another seems to pile on the agony, in the world, in our country, even in our own lives.

It is easy to feel despair, but that doesn’t help anything. We need to look for the chinks of light. And in the midst of all this, they do still shine through.

In the world, the West is still supporting Ukraine, which may be politically motivated, but is better than has been managed in the past, when countries under attack have not been helped in any significant way. And the problems with gas supply have pushed many countries to move more quickly on installing renewable energy, which will help our planet.

In this country, the government is doing some terrible things, but at least it has stepped in to help with the cost of living crisis. We may not agree with their method or their philosophy, but it will help people to have more of a chance of paying their bills.

And above all, individual people bring chinks of light into our lives, with their kindness and thoughtfulness, their sense of humour despite everything, their warmth and affection.

Let’s keep looking for these chinks of light, and giving them to others whenever we can. It’s what will bring us through

MORE THAN JUST MUSIC

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I love live music. It has given me joy since I was very young. Going to a good concert has always transported me, made my heart sing.

Articulating what it is that has such a profound effect on me has been difficult, until I read a statement by Bruce Springsteen about his performing:

‘I come out there at night and I believe that I can inspire you through hard work, the deep development of a philosophy, and the incorporation of spirituality. And that I can inspire you to develop those things within yourself.. That is what I consider my job – as well as making you dance!!’

Well, he does it for me! And I think that, whether they are conscious of it or not, it’s what all great performers do: they remind us in some visceral way of the fundamental values and emotions that human beings have.

When someone offers out their best gifts to others, it touches a chord inside all of us that is way beyond the surface performance or act. It isn’t only in music performances: we have it in films, theatre, paintings – all the arts.

And we can also emulate this in simple everyday ways. Every time we act from our hearts with others, we evoke their heartfelt reaction. Every time we are fully present with others, we give them a gift. Every time someone displays joy, they remind others of joy.

And we need more of this in the world. So let’s play our part, as well as appreciating every time someone offers ‘more than juts their music’ to us.

SOLITUDE

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There is something lovely about being on your own. We often confuse being solitary or alone with being lonely, feeling deprived of company. The two do not necessarily follow: we feel lonely if we wish we did have company, but being alone is a choice to enjoy your own company.

And that choice allows the possibility of just doing and being whatever we feel like – it is a form of freedom. When no-one else is involved we have the opportunity to follow our own rhythms, to indulge our own fancies, to consider ourselves first.

We can eat and drink what we like, when we like. We can sing our hearts out, or have complete quiet. We can get up when we’re ready to, or lie in bed with a cup of tea and read a book. We can even have complete control of the TV remote!

In our busy world, it is good for us, once in a while, to have some solitary time. It allows us to replenish our energy, and that freedom to be completely ourselves,

So this year, see if you can find yourself a little solitary time. If you live with others, suggest they go out for the day, and bask in the freedom of solitude for a little while.

May 2019 be a great year for you!!

PEACE ON EARTH, GOODWILL TO ALL

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This blog is called Ways of Remembering. In our world today, I think it’s worth remembering what Christmas really stands for. The message that accompanies the birth of Christ is simple and profound: peace on earth, goodwill to all.

It isn’t Christmas trees or presents; it isn’t overindulgence in food and drink; it isn’t spending money, going into debt. Jesus set the example of a different mind-set, and whether we believe in him or not, it’s a great example that we can all attempt to follow.

He demonstrated by example that everyone has value and deserves kindness, no matter how different from you they may be. He used stories to remind people that it may be the outcast or stranger who actually lives the values we say we have, and those who claim the highest ground often use it to exclude or condemn others, rather than to help others to be in the same place. This is what goodwill to all looks like – inclusiveness and kindness.

Jesus also famously said, ‘Turn the other cheek’. This is often interpreted as weakness or submission, but I think it simply means: stand in your place, but don’t fight for it. If we truly believe we have got it right, we have no need to prove it to others, or try to force them to agree with us . We are more likely to influence another person by being our truth than by trying to convince them with words. This is peace on earth.

So this Christmas, let’s be kind and warm with others – (and ourselves!). Let’s be the best we can be, and let others be how they are without judgement. Let’s have some peace and goodwill, at least within our own sphere of influence!

May you have a peaceful, warm and joyous Christmas time..