LIFE AS A MELLOW DRAMA

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Isn’t it easy to describe our life as a soap opera, full of melodrama! I have been strongly reminded of this recently, as I described the process of getting my book ready for publication to someone. When I had finished my tale of woe and tribulation, I just had to laugh at myself. On reflection, it was simply a bit tedious and required more iterations than I would have liked, but it wasn’t the major drama I had turned it into, and it was worth the effort. What’s more, I realised that I could have made it easier for myself by dealing with it differently.

We all have these areas of resistance, where we fight aspects of our lives instead of accepting them, and thereby cause ourselves even more stress. So I thought it was apposite to look at how we can make a different choice. My beloved teacher Ram Dass suggested years ago that the melodrama of life could become a mellow drama instead, and that has to be preferable. I can feel my mind and body relax at the very thought of it!

First, let’s look at how we create that melodrama. We begin with beliefs we have, that this will be difficult, that we’re not good at this sort of thing, that this not something we wanted in our lives. We are not really aware of these as beliefs, because we tend to state them as facts, and they influence strongly how we react. We then employ all the ‘language devils’ to describe the experience: “ I shouldn’t have to ..’, ‘I had to..’, They made me..’, This sort of things always happens to me’. And we use strong negative language; words like difficult, stressful, upsetting, disturbing, disastrous. Finally, we tell our story to others, to confirm the version we have created, and to get their sympathy. By the time we’ve finished with it, the experience has become the awful story we chose, and we live it that way. After all, we have used a lot of energy to shore up our own resistance, so we’re bound to be reluctant to tackle it in a positive way!

So let’s create a mellow drama

We use the same process to create a mellow drama, just with a different tone to it. We’ve all done this, both with those things we handle easily in our lives and with other people’s melodramas, where we say to ourselves, or them: ‘What’s the big fuss about? Just get over yourself you silly sausage!’

  1. What useful beliefs do you have in this situation? Look consciously for the ones that will support you in keeping it in perspective, and dealing with it well, such as: ‘I can handle things like this – I’ve done it before,’ or ‘it is only a small part of my overall experience’.
  2. Describe it to yourself (and others) in useful language. Begin with: ‘This has happened/is going to happen, so how am I going to handle it?’ there’s no point in resisting it happening, it’s already there, so accept it as a fact and choose how you react. This question creates a pause, so you can make that choice.
  3. Reduce the impact of your language. In your description of the experience, use words like ‘a bit’ or ‘slightly’ annoying, tedious etc. It reduces their power to colour the whole thing. Then add in an ‘and’ sentence, which acknowledges the positives in the experience. ‘It was a bit tedious and it was worth doing for the result’, or ‘It was slightly upsetting and it made me realise that I am lucky not to have things like that in my life all the time’.
  4. Keep it in perspective. As well as being more aware of how you are describing it, remind yourself to keep perspective. After all, it is only a small portion of your life. Think about the other things that do work well in your life. Remind yourself of how you handle most experiences well, even so-called difficult ones. Remember that a year from now you probably won’t even remember that it happened.
  5. Take a step away from it. Imagine yourself viewing it from the point of view of someone who isn’t disturbed by such things. Or just laugh at yourself, like I did, eventually! Laughter always gives us a slight detachment from being caught up, and releases the tension we’ve built up.

Life is always going to present us with hundreds of opportunities for melodrama, from the trivial – someone cutting in front of you in traffic – to the major – splitting up with your partner. But it’s up to us how we interpret that experience. Sometimes, of course, we feel justified in having it as a melodrama, but often we could save our energy for just dealing with it, by viewing it as a mellow drama, just another part of life’s rich tapestry, and use that energy for more useful things, rather than resisting it and causing ourselves all that stress.

 

(By the way, the book that prompted this is called ‘It’s not Rocket Science – a blueprint for a sustainably successful organisation.’ It is now published, both as a paperback, available through our website www.meta-org.com and as an e-book on amazon. And I am delighted with the result!!)

ONE STEP AT A TIME

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It’s a common maxim: ‘if it looks too big to tackle, break it down into small chunks.’ We’ve all heard it, and if you’re like me, often forget it! I think the clue is in the first part – ‘if it looks too big’. Somehow we assume that this is some objective measurement, that it only applies when everyone would say that it was too big to deal with in one go. Yet in my experience, this is about personal perception, not what someone else might think. In fact, it doesn’t even stay constant in our own perception, because that changes depending on our mood, our energy levels, our thinking about it.

I used to disappoint myself a lot more, when I assessed the size of something I had to do by some external measure. I would tell myself that I should be able to do whatever it was in the time I had, and that I needed to just get on with it. And of course, I often adopted avoidance procedures, or put it off till I was forced to do it by deadlines, or failed to get it completed, if there were no deadlines to meet.

Eventually, I began to realise that if I perceived something as daunting or overwhelming, it would elicit these non- useful behaviours in me, or at the very least, leave me exhausted by the end of it, even if it were only a small thing to do objectively. Furthermore, this was doing the opposite of what I intended: it was resulting in negative results and negative feelings, instead of positive energy and a sense of achievement.

So I began to experiment with different ways of approaching the things I have to do.

Firstly, accept that it feels daunting to you. It doesn’t matter if this is because it’s a big job, or because you don’t really like doing this sort of thing, or just because you’re not in the mood for it. If that sinking feeling is there, then it’s valid, and it’s time to break the task down.

I’m an expert on this – I can break down even the smallest jobs! There are two ways to break down a job into smaller pieces: time you spend on it, and amount of it you do. For example, I might say I’ll clear 10 emails, or that I’ll spend 20 minutes clearing some emails. Or I might choose to clear one flowerbed of weeds, or spend half an hour doing some weeding in the garden. It is important to keep the amount you set yourself small and easily achievable, so that it has the opposite effect of the original job – it is going to be easy to feel you’ve achieved something.

It is also important to let go of ‘in the right order’. Often a task looks daunting because of what we think we have to do first, so do something else that will contribute to the overall, but looks easier. For example, rather than starting by deciding how you want to organise that messy garage of yours, or by taking everything out on to the lawn – that commits you to doing a lot of it! – why not just take a black bag in there and wander around putting the obvious rubbish in it. Doing some of the smaller steps involved in the job means that you can cumulatively reduce the size of the job overall, and it becomes less daunting.

Now doing this breakdown into small, bite-sized chunks, has several neat tricks built into it:

  • It’s easy to find 10 or 20 minute slots, and you can even reward yourself afterwards by doing something you like doing!
  • You’re more motivated to do a bit more, on another day – the next chunk – and the overall job reduces to a manageable size remarkably quickly.
  • You often find that, once you start, you can easily do more than you have set yourself originally, so you feel an extra sense of achievement!
  • Because it’s easy, each chunk energises you rather than leaving you feeling tired and resentful.

 

I know you all know this really, but I also know that we all tend to save the technique for those officially big projects we have to do occasionally, the ones where we feel we can justify taking small steps towards it. What nonsense is that! If it’s something I can’t face doing, then I need the technique of breaking it down – it’s a simple emotional equation. Otherwise we are forcing ourselves against our natural flow, and that is a terrible waste of energy.

Eat your ‘elephant’ in bite-sized chunks of course, but eat your ‘tiny mouse’ in the same way and give yourself permission to make your life easier!

SPENDING YOUR TIME WISELY

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We all do it – waste our time – well, I certainly do! And I have been thinking about how we can do something about it.

Firstly, I want to be clear about this: if we are going to spend our time wisely we need to clarify what is a waste of time. Our culture has become one of doing not being, which means we often call something a waste of time because it wasn’t productive, rather than because it really did waste time.

Wasting time is when you feel like you’ve lost energy rather than gained it, as you finish whatever you were doing. Examples abound in our everyday life: the row with someone that you fell into; the mindless watching of whatever happens to be on the TV; the avoidance procedures which then tighten the deadline you had in the first place; the time spent worrying about something that didn’t actually happen.

However, that walk you took to clear your mind, that time spent talking with a friend, playing with your child – these are not a waste of time, even though they have no obvious ‘product’, because you feel better afterwards, they give you positive energy. So spending your time wisely means gaining energy through the use of your time, and using your inner assessment of your energy levels as your gauge, not some cultural norm of being busy.

This requires that we create our own unique version of spending time that works for us.

  1. Notice, in the course of your day, what gives you energy and what drains you.

Then you will develop your own sense of how your energy levels are affected by what you do with your time.

  1. Start noticing the times when you contradict your own measure of positive energy

This is when we know that we feel better for it, but then contradict the positive effect by imposing a cultural norm on it: ‘ I shouldn’t go for a walk before I’ve finished this task’ or ‘ I shouldn’t read a chapter of my book until I’ve done my chores’. The give-away is the ‘shouldn’t’ – it indicates that we are taking on someone else’s definition of wasting time. So change these to: ‘ if I go for a walk first, I will finish this task more effectively’ or ‘ if I read a chapter of my book first, I will be more ready to do the chores’.

  1. Notice what helps you to spend your time wisely

Maybe you are more effective in the morning than in the afternoon – I know I write best after my second cup of coffee! Maybe you are more productive if you take a break every half hour. Maybe you function better if you allow yourself time to plan your day in the morning or reflect on your day in the evening.

  1. Allow yourself the non-productive energy givers

Getting lots done but being exhausted by t is not good for you! If you actually analyse it, you will find that it isn’t effective either; it is forced productivity at a high cost. The paradox is that if we allow ourselves that time out that isn’t productive, and spend our time wisely, we often achieve more in the longer–term, without wearing ourselves out. We weren’t designed to be robots, and just mechanically go through our days. We are organic creatures, designed to work rest and play, to ebb and flow. We are also designed to need the emotional ‘food’ of good company, time to stop, enjoying our time, to be at our best. We waste time because we are trying to push ourselves to be something we’re not designed for, and our inner wisdom rebels against that pushing.

We all have an allotted span of time on this earth. And it is irreplaceable – once it’s gone, it’s gone. Let’s not waste it, let’s spend it wisely, and make that time we have worthwhile and full of energy.

A SENSE OF WONDER

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Over the last few weeks, I have watched my beech hedge turn from looking dead and bare to being filled with new life, firstly as buds, and then green leaves that almost seem to glow. I don’t have to go anywhere to observe this miracle of nature – I just have to be still for long enough to notice. This is one of thousands of examples of the wonder of our natural world, and spring is a great time to be reminded of that, as so many things come back to life.

I like the word wonder, and the adjective, wonderful. They mean amazement, astonishment, and imply that we are reacting to the magic of our world. We may be able to explain some of these things scientifically, but that doesn’t mean we have to lose our sense of wonder.

As children, we are amazed by lots of things that adults seem to ignore or take for granted. We notice all those things in the natural world: how clouds change shape; the different songs birds sing; the colours and patterns on butterflies. And we also see magic in man-made things: how light goes on and off at the flick of a switch; how we can talk to someone many miles away as if they were in the room; how sheep’s wool can become a colourful sweater. All this wonder gives us a sense of possibility and creativity, as well as delighting us, making us smile or laugh.

This awareness of the magic and wonder of our world is also something that people often come back to when they know they are dying, or have narrowly escaped death. I remember Dennis Potter, the playwright, movingly describing his delight in blossom on the trees, the feel of sunshine on his skin.

Yet in between our childhood and the end of our lives, we seem to be too busy or ‘practical’ to allow ourselves just to wonder. We may occasionally feel that sense of delight – most people I know can’t help but go ‘Ooooh!’ when they see fireworks – but most of the time we don’t take advantage of the many things we have to wonder at, we don’t take the moment it takes to feel that amazement at the world we have.

It seems to me that the sense of wonder is part of the essence of the human spirit, intended to give us delight, reminders of possibility, and help us make this world a better place. So let’s re-find it now, and enjoy it for most of our lives, not just at the beginning and end.

Take a few minutes to be amazed and delighted every day.

  • Look at the sky outside your window – how big is that! And how beautiful!
  • Notice how perfectly and uniquely nature has shaped that tree
  • See the exquisite perfection of that butterfly and its movement
  • Be astonished by how that combination of metals and mechanics you sit in can transport you from a to b so easily
  • Notice how often the flick of a switch gives you power that has come from an unseen source

Let’s not take for granted all the wonders in our world, let’s appreciate and delight in them, and recognise their value. We would be lost and bereft without them, so let’s remember how much they really mean to us.

THE SOUL FOOD OF MUSIC

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I love music don’t you? We won’t all love the same songs or tunes of course, but all of us do have favourites – I have never met anyone who didn’t like any music at all. Music evokes fond memories, makes us smile, moves our hearts, and feeds our soul – so why don’t we use that music to make us feel good ore often?

When I was a small child, the music played in our home was either on the gramophone (the old record players that were a major piece of furniture, for those of you too young to remember!) or on the radio. It was not for background filler, we actively listened to it. And it was a source of great delight when I got a red Dansette record player that would take 6 singles at once and play them automatically – the next stage in the evolution of record players. Because a new record was a special treat, we listened to it avidly, over and over again, until it was part of the fabric of our being.

Then, as a teenager, I discovered live music. In those days, a tour wasn’t one main act and a supporting act. It was a whole plethora of bands and singers, each doing maybe 15 minutes of their particular music. Despite the often poor sound quality, we had the excitement of actually seeing the performers, and the atmosphere created by a whole bunch of fans watching their favourite bands and singers. I was well and truly hooked!

Only later in life did I begin to wonder what made music, especially live music, so compelling. At the time, I just knew that the experience transported me, took me out of my self-conscious teenage self, and allowed me to feel joyous and free of the constraints of everyday life.

Now I realise that music we love reaches straight into our hearts, bypassing our judging heads: we only get caught in our heads if we don’t like what we hear. This has to be good for us – we spend far too much time in our heads rather than our hearts. It also affects our emotions directly – music can make us feel calm, joyous, uplifted, happy, energised – wow! What else has such a direct effect on our mood?

When I first got hooked on music, it was only available in a limited way. Nowadays we can easily listen to almost anything we can think of, and we can all watch live music on U-tube even if we don’t go to concerts (although I would still recommend the live performance if you can get there).

So why do we deprive ourselves of this instant treat? It feeds our soul, it allows us to choose how we feel, it enlivens us, and it’s easily accessible – so what’s stopping us? Only our silly heads that tell us it’s not the right time, or we don’t deserve that treat. It’s nonsense!

This isn’t s step-by step reminder to look after ourselves in this way. It’s a one-stop decision. You deserve to listen to some music you love at least once a day: do it today, and tomorrow, and the next day. Stop listening to the news – that doesn’t make you feel good! Pull out that favourite music and feed your soul!

WHAT IS ‘NORMAL?’

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Recently someone described me as abnormal – and I decided that it was a compliment! It got me to thinking about what normal is. The word means: ‘according to the customs and habits of the time or place.’ It is the accepted way of being and behaving within a specific context. We also call this being conformist.

Now, at some level, we all need to conform or fit in. There are laws to hold us in check: if I don’t pay for my utilities, or injure someone deliberately, I will be called to account.

There are also some universal ‘laws’: being kind and courteous, doing no harm, which most of us live by, because they are fundamental human values, and we are basically decent human beings.

However, most of the rules we live by without even thinking about it are not in these two categories. They are just the way we do things in our culture. To take a simple example, most people take a shower every day. Yet when I was young, we just had a bath every week – there weren’t showers in most homes. And it was not that long ago that even baths were a special occasion, indulged in once a year!

Again, having a mobile phone is now considered the norm – in fact, it has to be a smartphone, because then you can respond to emails as well, and be available 24/7 by one means or another. Yet I remember when lots of people didn’t even have a landline, and the phone-box at the end of the street was used if there were an emergency. Otherwise you wrote letters.

These examples just illustrate how ‘normal’ changes over time and is an ephemeral phenomenon. So it is worth questioning whether you feel that the norm suits you, or whether you want to create a new ‘normal’ that fits you better and makes your life feel better.

Now, anyone who knows me will know that conforming is not my strong suit. In fact, I am actively working on being who I really am, rather than who I am expected to be. And I believe that we are lucky in this day and age, because we have so many more choices of ways of being and behaving in the world. We can call on different examples from all over the world and from history, because that information is readily available, and do a ‘pick’n’mix’ selection of what suits our personality and preferences.

So let’s begin to make conscious choices, to establish our own personal norms, instead of being and behaving normally. Lets’ question the norm before we just conform to it.

How do we do this?

  1. Once a day notice something that you’re doing that’s habitual: answering the phone as soon as it rings; starting on dinner as soon as you get in from work; agreeing to do something you don’t really want to do – you’ll find lots of examples. Now check this particular behaviour out: are you doing it because you feel better if you do, or are you doing it because ‘people do’ or ‘they’ expect you to.
  2. If it makes you feel better, then it’s fine to carry on.
  3. If it doesn’t make you feel better, then ask yourself: ‘How would I prefer to behave?’ ‘What would feel like a better fit for me?’
  4. Next time that habitual behaviour comes up, experiment with a different approach: let the phone go to voicemail, and ring them back if you really want to speak with them now; sit for five minutes and have a cuppa before you do dinner; ask for time to consider before you say yes.
  5. If the experiment works for you, start to do it more often, until it becomes you new normal. If it doesn’t, try something different until you find what does.

Be warned, this can create two different forms of pressure to return to old habits – after all, they are pretty ingrained in us.

  1. Others expect you to behave as you always have behaved, and will ask you why you didn’t or in some way make you feel guilty for changing.
  2. Even more insidious is our own mind, which tells us we are causing a problem or upsetting others even when there’s no evidence for it.

The good news is that if you stick to your guns, it becomes easier, and others come to accept your new normal.

So come on, make life work a little better for you by changing those ‘rules’ you’ve been living by that don’t really fit for you. Join me in being abnormal and proud of it!

IMAGINING YOUR FUTURE

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Have you ever stopped and noticed how much time and energy you spend on imagining your future? It is quite astounding when you begin to notice what goes on in your mind, almost without you being aware of it. I’m not talking about ‘high level’ imagining: ‘If I won the lottery, I would…’ or ‘When I retire, I will…’ I’m talking about the everyday mundane imagining of your future, the level of what the next meeting/encounter you have will be like, or what you will say in that email or phone call, or what going to the supermarket will be like.

Maybe you’re different from me, but I find that I have frequently run several scenarios about things that haven’t actually happened yet, starting with a straightforward version, and then adding in a series of ‘what if’s’: what if it’s raining, there is no space in the car park, what I want is out of stock, I’m feeling too tired by then. By the time I’ve finished, a simple event has become full of complications and complex ways of dealing with them, and I’m feeling stressed just at the thought of it – and I’m only going to the supermarket!

And 9 times out of 10, none of my complex plans are needed, because it is a straightforward simple event when it finally really happens. All that stress and effort was unnecessary. (The 1 out of 10 is when something I hadn’t predicted happens, and I’m not prepared for it after all!)

Wow! What a waste of energy and effort! We put ourselves through all these experiences with their emotional tugs and pulls, and none of them are the actual experience.

Yet this can be a really useful tool for us, should we choose to consciously use it. It was designed to help us, not to make our lives more difficult.

We know this because small children use this faculty in their minds differently, until we teach them not to. When a small child imagines the next thing to happen, they look at how it will be fun or exciting or different. They look forward to things and wonder what will be in those next steps with curiosity, not judgement.

And then we learn to wish things to be a certain way, and expect them not to be that good or simple. We learn to fear that we might fail or we might be disappointed, and we therefore learn to plan to try and protect ourselves from those possibilities. If this actually worked for us, I guess it would be useful, but it rarely does.

So what can we do about it?

  1. Begin to notice when you’re imagining from fear, futurising to handle made-up problems. And stop yourself and laugh.
  2. Consciously choose to imagine like a child: ‘How will this be fun?’ ‘I’m curious about how this will be.’
  3. Imagine yourself just being comfortable in the situation, no matter what happens. Don’t play scenarios – just see and feel yourself being comfortable and let the rest be vague and misty.
  4. See yourself at the end of the experience saying: ‘Well, that all worked out fine.’

If we were enlightened beings, we would just be in the moment, and let it all unfold without getting caught in the dramas. Most of us aren’t there yet, so let’s put this faculty of ours to good use, instead of letting it cause us stress and unnecessary waste of energy!

JOY

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You don’t hear this word very often: it is not a common part of our vocabulary – what a shame! It means delighting in something and is linked into its original meaning of playfulness (jouer in French). We do use the verb, enjoy, which means to feel the joy inside you, but we have diminished its meaning somewhat and reduced its positive impact on us.

So what is this joy?

I believe it is an innate part of human nature and needs nurturing inside us, if we are to be healthy happy human beings. It is that feeling of your heart singing, and things that evoke it do so over and over again. It goes beyond pleasure – that is temporary; a thing that gives your spirits a brief lift and then becomes taken-for-granted. Joy nurtures us, enhances our spirits each time we experience the same thing.

The effects of joy on us are powerful.

  • It enhances our physical health, because we release the positive hormones in our bodies that help us to heal and thrive
  • It enhances our mental health by literally opening up our minds, to be more creative and constructive, to have a bigger perspective
  • And joy enhances our emotional health by reminding us to appreciate the wonders of life rather than just the mundane everyday

Why don’t we have more joy in our lives?

I think we all automatically notice the sources of joy when we are little. As children, we have an open link to the potential for joy, so we delight in colours, shapes, smells, sounds – anything which taps into that place in us. And then we learn to ignore these things and get into the busyness of life where there is no time to stand and stare, no time to appreciate the moment, because there’s too much to do. We also learn that the simple things that evoke joy in us don’t count or aren’t valued: ‘It’s just a cloud,’ when we saw a wonderful dragon shape flying across the sky!

Re-find the joy

Delight in that first daffodil flowering – take a moment to allow it to make your heart sing.

Love the sound of the birds singing, even though it’s a grey, miserable day.

Take your shoes off and feel the dewy grass beneath your feet.

Really enjoy that fresh food you’ve prepared, that first cup of coffee – savour the tastes.

Joy is both simple and profound. It is readily available, should we choose to notice the possibilities, and it enriches our lives beyond measure.

Enjoy yourself: those adults were wrong who gave no value to it – ignore them and make your life joyous!

MOVING MATTERS

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I have recently strained my back and leg quite badly, resulting in a significant reduction in my ability to move freely – a rather dramatic way of reminding myself how much moving our bodies matters! When the only comfortable place is sitting still, it is not easy to stay positive, and the mind and emotions seem to freeze up to match the state of the body. Yet many of us choose to adopt such static positions for long hours without being conscious of the effect it has on us`: in front of the computer, in the car, in front of the TV.

Why it matters

Without movement, our muscles get atrophied, our natural biological flow slows down, and this affects every part of us, not just our bodies. As we become static, so do our minds, because there is a direct connection. We become ‘stuck’ in a particular perspective and our creativity and flexibility in thinking reduces. And our emotions also become stuck, which I guess would be OK if we’re feeling really positive, but most of us are not sitting in a state of bliss!

The benefits of moving our bodies

When we move our bodies, we ‘reset’ ourselves. Our bodies are designed for movement, and the relaxation and tension of muscles that happens when we move enables the flow of our blood, to carry nutrients and hormones throughout our bodies. The biological shift of flow and energy automatically releases our mental and emotional states as well.

We all know this: everyone has experienced the moments of inspiration that can happen when we move away from something, to go to the toilet, or make a cup of tea. And most of us have walked away from a situation and, if we keep walking, begun to calm down and have a more useful perspective.

So move!

In my mum’s day, before computers were prevalent, and when most people didn’t have a car, a certain level of movement in the day was normal. They didn’t talk about doing exercise or going to the gym to keep themselves fit and mobile. But we have become a lot more sedentary, and may only move in spurts rather than regularly throughout the day.

I am not talking about having to ‘exercise’ here. I am talking about standing, walking, stretching, bending to pick things up, gardening, cleaning – the ordinary ways we can move our bodies during the day.

Take 5 minutes every hour, to stand, stretch, walk to somewhere.

Walk up or down the stairs instead of taking the lift or escalator.

Park at the far end of the car park, so you have a little walking between car and office or shop.

Stretch your body gently when you get out of the car after a journey.

Give your body a chance to flow again, give your mind a chance to broaden its perspective, give your emotions a chance to rebalance – you’re not a static machine, you’re designed to move!

COUNT THE GOOD THINGS

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I remember being told when I was young to count my blessings, and getting even more disgruntled. It was usually when I had been refused something I wanted and felt like a reprimand for not being grateful enough, not being a good enough person. I had no desire to be a saint! But I have learnt that it works to count the good things in a day, because it makes me feel better about myself and my life.

Our definition of good things will be quite individual: it is the times in our day that make us feel that we are living our lives well. It may be finally getting that job done you have been putting off, or relaxing into a conversation instead of worrying about whether you have time to just stop and talk, or allowing yourself to read a couple of chapters of that book you’re enjoying – you get the theme… They are the times when we behave as we would prefer to behave, whatever that means to us.

Notice that this is about how we would prefer to behave, not how we ought to. For me, this is the important distinction: it’s about making my own version of a good life, not some cultural standard that I need to match up to – I still don’t want to feel saintly!

We are taught to ‘do the right thing’, whether that be being polite or getting the job done efficiently, and we get lost in all the rules about how you should behave especially since some of them are contradictory. Most of us develop a keen sense of how often we fail to meet the required standards, and even when we meet them, we may not feel good about it – have you ever spent the day being both considerate and hard-working, but felt resentful and exhausted at the end of it? This is not helping us to live our lives well.

For me, there came a point where I had had enough. I realised that life felt like a constant effort with small reward – we don’t get a lot of recognition for the times when we do meet those standards, from others or ourselves – and I’m human, I need to feel it’s worth it!

I still get caught up in noticing my own ‘failure’ sometimes, but I’m getting better at avoiding that trap, and would like to encourage you to do the same, for several reasons:

  1. It makes you feel better: life feels more satisfying and enjoyable
  2. It makes you feel better: you become less stressed and more energised.
  3. It makes you feel better: you are more motivated to behave in the ways that make you feel good and improve your life
  4. It makes you feel better: you feel as if you are in control of your own story rather than making constant efforts to fit a story imposed on you.

So how do we start?

  • As ever, we begin by noticing the times when we feel good about ourselves, to tell ourselves consciously the categories of things that make us feel good. It is important to use our emotions rather than our heads to do this identification, because our emotions are a more accurate indicator of our true nature. My head may say I was ‘wasting time’ reading that book for a while, but I feel calmer and more relaxed, and that’s a good thing. On the other hand, my head may tell me that it was good to spend four hours on a Sunday afternoon clearing emails, while my emotions remind me that I feel resentful, weary and don’t really want to go to work tomorrow – not a good thing!
  • We start counting. Catch yourself doing it right, feeling good about yourself at the end of an activity, even if it were only five minutes long. For example, if you allow yourself to sit down to eat your toast in the morning, instead of eating it as you continue to get ready, count it. Or if you stopped doing emails after an hour, and said that’s enough for now, count it.
  • Keep a record of your score. This does two things: it gives us a sense of achievement instead of failure; it also helps to motivate us to enhance our scores – can I do better than yesterday? What small thing would make me feel good about myself this evening? Those of you who have been to my home will know that I keep score with brightly coloured beads, hung in my living room, because I like the visual reminder of my progress in living my life how I want to live it. It doesn’t matter how you do it, so long as you do record the good things every day.

Now if all this sounds too much, you can bring it down a notch. You may begin by just counting one aspect of your life that you want to be better at: how many times can you laugh in a day? How many times do you allow yourself to relax for a little while? How many times do you genuinely pay attention to others? How many times do you take a five-minute break?

 

This is a gentle and fun way of gradually making our lives feel better, and it starts to reverse the cultural norm of noticing our failures rather than our successes. It may not turn you into a saint, but it will surely make you feel better!