Tag Archives: relating to others

DID YOU SAY THANK YOU?

Ways of Remembering, , , ,

I remember as a child hearing this phrase over and over again from my mum and thinking that she was making a fuss over nothing – especially since in those days we had to actually write thank you letters for birthday and Christmas presents, even if you didn’t particularly appreciate the gift – what a pain!

And now I’m so glad that she hammered home that particular habit! It is such a simple thing to do, yet it is a powerful way to positively influence an interaction or relationship, to show appreciation rather than take something for granted, and to make a real exchange.

Of course we all say thank you when someone has gone out of their way to help us or to give us something special. We’re not ignorant and we appreciate the special effort. It’s all the ordinary everyday interactions that we can take for granted, the times when people are just doing what they do.

Mum made the dinner, the checkout operator put our groceries through the till, our colleague did their part of the job, the kids got up for school without being nagged – did you notice? We all know that when we’re the one who just gets on and does what they do, we can end up feeling unappreciated, but it doesn’t always translate into remembering to appreciate what others do. And we all know how good it feels when someone does notice those little things that are often taken for granted.

I catch the bus into the town centre, and I love the fact that most people say thank you to the driver when they get off the bus –one person can set the trend and show some appreciation for a safe journey, and someone else navigating the traffic for us. And most drivers respond with a smile – it makes their job feel more worthwhile.

So who do you need to thank a bit more? Who do you take for granted? Be a trendsetter and say thank you – it makes such a difference!

 

THE SECRET TO LIVING TO A RIPE OLD AGE

Ways of Remembering, , , , , , , ,

Sometimes you meet someone who inspires you in the most unexpected way. My friend Jean and I go to the silver screen cinema showings on Wednesdays and always have a cup of coffee in the nearby coffee shop beforehand. A woman who also goes to those screenings has begun to stop and have a chat when she sees us sat outside in the sunshine.

She surprised us the first time she stopped – in Britain we don’t usually engage with strangers! And she just said, ‘You two look happy!’ We laughed and said there were plenty of reasons to be happy that morning: sunshine and warmth, good coffee and company, and a movie to look forward to. She agreed and added some of her own: being healthy, enjoying life, being lucky enough to be able to do something fun on a Wednesday morning.

Over the weeks, we have gradually built that conversation, and each time she reminds me that it is the simple things in life that make the most difference.

How you choose to view the world

The big picture of how you view the world sets the context. Believing that this world of ours is there to delight us, not horrify us, that it is full of lovely things designed to please and support us – this provides the framework for everything else.

It is a big golden assumption: that life on earth is intended to be a good experience.

Noticing the good things

We often pay most attention to the things that upset or offend us. Instead we can actively notice the good things: it is a bit of a grey day, but it is warm enough not to have to wear a coat; I was feeling a little bit fed up, but then a friend phoned me and we ended up laughing.

This links to the idea behind a gratitude journal: to just write down 5-10 things that you can be thankful for today.

Looking for reasons to be happy

This is about actively adding in small things that make you happy, to consciously change your mood: buying yourself a good cup of coffee; calling a friend for a chat; wearing a favourite piece of clothing or jewellery.

Appreciating the simple things in life

This links to the previous point. We don’t need to spend lots of money or have lots of stuff to be happy – the best things in life are free! If we care to look around we can easily find things that make us feel good: a nice dinner we have cooked; flowers looking and smelling beautiful; birds singing for us; a favourite perfume or cologne; the feel of a lovely fresh warm bed.

Expecting people to be friendly

As our new friend has said: ‘I’m 85 years old, and in my life, I have found that most people are friendly.’ Most people respond to how we expect them to be, and life is much more pleasant if we expect them to be friendly and helpful. This means that we make lots of connections with people, which is good for our health, because friendly contact with others automatically raises our oxytocin level – one of our natural health-giving chemicals.

Saying ‘Oh well – never mind’

All this sounds very ‘rose-tinted spectacles’, only noticing the good bits. And we all know that sometimes things feel shitty! It’s about keeping it in perspective. We often let the shitty bits take over our perspective and taint our point of view.

Instead, life will go better if we acknowledge them, then let them go: ‘ I fell over this morning and bruised myself badly. Oh well, never mind.’ ‘Someone upset me with what they said yesterday. Oh well, never mind – it’s a new day today.’

Recalling good memories

When things don’t feel so good, we always have available to us a treasure trove of stored good memories. When we recall them or recount them to someone else, they help us to re-live those good times and perk us up. Old photos will prompt them, or old treasured objects, or particular music.

So the secret is…

Above all, find reasons to be happy and make your life enjoyable. This is not la-la-land; it is how we keep the health-giving chemicals running through our bodies. Research has shown that those who make connection with others, those who appreciate nature, those who have a positive outlook, stay healthier, live longer, and enjoy their lives.

None of this is difficult to achieve. The things that make the difference are available to all of us, regardless of our circumstances. The only thing that stops us is our way of thinking about things.

So what are your 10 reasons to be happy today?

 

HUGS

Ways of Remembering, , , ,

Anyone who knows me will know that I’m a ‘touchy-feely’ person, as one of my colleagues described me. I tend to make physical contact with people when I’m with them, and I love hugs! They are a simple and direct way of expressing love – no messy awkward words, just a warm embrace.

Do you give and get hugs enough? Several years ago, we did an event for Comic Relief where we gave out almost free hugs in the city centre; a donation of any kind got you a big heartfelt hug. It was both heart-warming and heart-breaking. There were people who said they hadn’t been hugged for over a year; there were teenagers who came back for second and third go’s; there were parents who sent their children forward for a hug. We hugged so many people that our arms ached at the end of it! It felt as if we were offering a public service that was desperately needed, and appreciated. Yet we are all capable of giving a hug to someone.

The benefits of hugs are enormous, to the giver and the receiver: both automatically release oxytocin into their bloodstreams with a heartfelt hug. This affects us emotionally – we feel happier – and also physically: it helps us to stay healthy. And hugs are a form of communication that goes past the ‘edges’ that can develop between us and goes to the core of just showing affection.

Now not everyone is a hugger – some people shrink away from that full embrace. The colleague I mentioned earlier, who said I was touchy-feely was just embarrassed if I went to hug him. So we developed a different form. He would lightly punch my arm and I would hold his fist there for a second or two with my hand. Sounds daft doesn’t it! But even that much physical contact makes a difference to how we feel, more than words ever can.

So put an arm round a shoulder, touch an arm, hold a hand for a moment, or go for that big hug, and share a moment of that health-giving connection – it’s good for all of us!

THE FULL CONNECTION

Ways of Remembering, ,

Recently I have been reminded of how much difference it makes to our connection with others to be able to be with them, in the same space.

I went to see Nigel Kennedy play his latest version of The Four Seasons by Vivaldi. The man is outstanding as a violinist and elicits divine music from his instrument, but seeing him live is a far bigger experience then just hearing him play. He is delightful, down-to-earth, funny and engaging, and he creates far more than just his music. He inspires those who play in his orchestra to give of their best as well, and makes everyone feel part of a special experience. It is so much more than you could ever get from a recording!

Although I don’t know him personally, I feel as if we are connected, and my soul is fed by his humanity as well as his music – a double whammy of delight.

I have also recently had the chance to spend time with a darling friend whom I only see occasionally. We talk often on the phone and are very close, but live a long way from each other. That closeness is enriched every time we do actually meet up. Being physically there with him allows us to feel connected in a way that a phone call can never do. Words cannot replicate the experience of actually being with someone you love and who loves you – in fact, words are the least of it. There is a visceral, heart-led level of communication that only happens when we are in the same physical space.

Now there is a caveat: this effect is true whether it is a positive or negative experience, because the amplification of our reactions and emotions happens in both directions. So it is important to differentiate between those you already feel positively about and those you already feel negatively about. On the other hand, if we go into a situation with someone else we’re not sure of with an open heart, open to the possibility of it being an enrichment of our relationship, then it is often a way of enhancing the relationship by connecting at the level of our common humanity.

At the very least, give yourself the delight, whenever possible, of making this full connection with those who feed your soul. We are designed, as humans, to make this type of connection with each other, and to thrive on it. We are depriving ourselves and others if we limit our contact to recordings, emails, Facebook, phones.

There is nothing that lifts the spirit like a full connection with someone – so get as much of it as you can!

YOU’RE INFECTIOUS!

Ways of Remembering, , ,

We talk sometimes about someone’s laugh being infectious – did you know that it really is? I love this bit of science, because it says so much about what we’re really like as humans.

So, in our brains, we all have something called mirror neurons. Thye detect the facial expression of others and switch on our facial muscles to mirror their expression. We may not exactly reproduce their smile or frown, but the micro-muscles that create that expression are switched on and begin to move. And the micro-muscular movement in our faces is directly driven by our emotions at the time – it can’t be disguised. We all know that we can tell the difference between a false smile and a real one, and our mirror neurons are what detect the difference for us – we mirror it and then feel the difference in ourselves.

This is a level of biological empathy that we may not be aware of, but it is built into us. Scientists believe that it is part of our survival mechanism: we need to relate to and understand others in order to thrive, and by re-creating their facial expressions in ourselves, we get a sense of what they’re feeling and therefore how to respond to them.

This is one of the reasons why communication is so much more effective when it’s face-to-face – we are much more aware of what is going on with the other person, because we are replicating it in our bodies. It also explains why moods are ‘catching’, and whole groups of people can be affected by someone’s mood at the time.

So since we are so powerful, let’s use it for the good! If I know that others will pick up on my facial expression and therefore my mood, I can consciously choose to shift my state to a good one. If I am feeling frustrated standing in a queue, I can choose instead to use the time to spread some friendliness to those around me. If I am feeling fed up today, I can look for someone who looks happy, and let them infect me! And when I’m feeling good, then I can catch the eye of others and give them a dose of my good mood!

Come on, let’s infect the world with our good moods, and lighten our life!

BUILDING CONNECTION

Ways of Remembering, ,

I was reflecting on the lovely connection I have with my Pilates teacher, Liz, after my lesson this morning, and thinking about how much it enhances what I gain from those lessons. The extra value of being treated as a unique individual is that it feeds a fundamental requirement we have as humans.

Our brains are wired to be connected to others – it’s part of our survival mechanisms. We learned early on in our evolution that we would survive much more easily if we joined with others and shared the difficulties and the good times, and that produced a strong drive to be connected. It is well proven that if a child is deprived of connection, they do not grow physically as well, and they do not develop their emotional ad intellectual intelligence in the same way. Connection is vital to us.

So what is connection? The word connect actually means to bind with, be tied to. It is a strong link with someone else, not just a passing, temporary link that is released as soon as it’s made. It’s the difference between a limp handshake, and a firm handshake with positive eye contact: we connect emotionally as well as physically.

‘Networking’ doesn’t do it – although it should as it comes from the same root meaning! – and nor does friends on Facebook. We need more than that: the personal touch. It’s recognition of us as a person, our individuality, our humanity. It’s proper human contact, noticing how someone is, delighting in their good times, sympathising with their not so good times, accepting them however they are, rather than only wanting to know their ‘shiny bits.

We gain a lot from connecting with others. It makes us feel good, it feeds our minds, bodies and spirits, so build these connections whenever you can. Talk for a moment with the checkout operator, the person in the queue with you. Greet a new acquaintance as if they could be a good friend. Hug your family and friends, and tell them you love them whatever mood they’re in.

Connect and enrich your life, and that of those around you – feed our humanity.