Tag Archives: self-care

JOY

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You don’t hear this word very often: it is not a common part of our vocabulary – what a shame! It means delighting in something and is linked into its original meaning of playfulness (jouer in French). We do use the verb, enjoy, which means to feel the joy inside you, but we have diminished its meaning somewhat and reduced its positive impact on us.

So what is this joy?

I believe it is an innate part of human nature and needs nurturing inside us, if we are to be healthy happy human beings. It is that feeling of your heart singing, and things that evoke it do so over and over again. It goes beyond pleasure – that is temporary; a thing that gives your spirits a brief lift and then becomes taken-for-granted. Joy nurtures us, enhances our spirits each time we experience the same thing.

The effects of joy on us are powerful.

  • It enhances our physical health, because we release the positive hormones in our bodies that help us to heal and thrive
  • It enhances our mental health by literally opening up our minds, to be more creative and constructive, to have a bigger perspective
  • And joy enhances our emotional health by reminding us to appreciate the wonders of life rather than just the mundane everyday

Why don’t we have more joy in our lives?

I think we all automatically notice the sources of joy when we are little. As children, we have an open link to the potential for joy, so we delight in colours, shapes, smells, sounds – anything which taps into that place in us. And then we learn to ignore these things and get into the busyness of life where there is no time to stand and stare, no time to appreciate the moment, because there’s too much to do. We also learn that the simple things that evoke joy in us don’t count or aren’t valued: ‘It’s just a cloud,’ when we saw a wonderful dragon shape flying across the sky!

Re-find the joy

Delight in that first daffodil flowering – take a moment to allow it to make your heart sing.

Love the sound of the birds singing, even though it’s a grey, miserable day.

Take your shoes off and feel the dewy grass beneath your feet.

Really enjoy that fresh food you’ve prepared, that first cup of coffee – savour the tastes.

Joy is both simple and profound. It is readily available, should we choose to notice the possibilities, and it enriches our lives beyond measure.

Enjoy yourself: those adults were wrong who gave no value to it – ignore them and make your life joyous!

MOVING MATTERS

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I have recently strained my back and leg quite badly, resulting in a significant reduction in my ability to move freely – a rather dramatic way of reminding myself how much moving our bodies matters! When the only comfortable place is sitting still, it is not easy to stay positive, and the mind and emotions seem to freeze up to match the state of the body. Yet many of us choose to adopt such static positions for long hours without being conscious of the effect it has on us`: in front of the computer, in the car, in front of the TV.

Why it matters

Without movement, our muscles get atrophied, our natural biological flow slows down, and this affects every part of us, not just our bodies. As we become static, so do our minds, because there is a direct connection. We become ‘stuck’ in a particular perspective and our creativity and flexibility in thinking reduces. And our emotions also become stuck, which I guess would be OK if we’re feeling really positive, but most of us are not sitting in a state of bliss!

The benefits of moving our bodies

When we move our bodies, we ‘reset’ ourselves. Our bodies are designed for movement, and the relaxation and tension of muscles that happens when we move enables the flow of our blood, to carry nutrients and hormones throughout our bodies. The biological shift of flow and energy automatically releases our mental and emotional states as well.

We all know this: everyone has experienced the moments of inspiration that can happen when we move away from something, to go to the toilet, or make a cup of tea. And most of us have walked away from a situation and, if we keep walking, begun to calm down and have a more useful perspective.

So move!

In my mum’s day, before computers were prevalent, and when most people didn’t have a car, a certain level of movement in the day was normal. They didn’t talk about doing exercise or going to the gym to keep themselves fit and mobile. But we have become a lot more sedentary, and may only move in spurts rather than regularly throughout the day.

I am not talking about having to ‘exercise’ here. I am talking about standing, walking, stretching, bending to pick things up, gardening, cleaning – the ordinary ways we can move our bodies during the day.

Take 5 minutes every hour, to stand, stretch, walk to somewhere.

Walk up or down the stairs instead of taking the lift or escalator.

Park at the far end of the car park, so you have a little walking between car and office or shop.

Stretch your body gently when you get out of the car after a journey.

Give your body a chance to flow again, give your mind a chance to broaden its perspective, give your emotions a chance to rebalance – you’re not a static machine, you’re designed to move!

COUNT THE GOOD THINGS

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I remember being told when I was young to count my blessings, and getting even more disgruntled. It was usually when I had been refused something I wanted and felt like a reprimand for not being grateful enough, not being a good enough person. I had no desire to be a saint! But I have learnt that it works to count the good things in a day, because it makes me feel better about myself and my life.

Our definition of good things will be quite individual: it is the times in our day that make us feel that we are living our lives well. It may be finally getting that job done you have been putting off, or relaxing into a conversation instead of worrying about whether you have time to just stop and talk, or allowing yourself to read a couple of chapters of that book you’re enjoying – you get the theme… They are the times when we behave as we would prefer to behave, whatever that means to us.

Notice that this is about how we would prefer to behave, not how we ought to. For me, this is the important distinction: it’s about making my own version of a good life, not some cultural standard that I need to match up to – I still don’t want to feel saintly!

We are taught to ‘do the right thing’, whether that be being polite or getting the job done efficiently, and we get lost in all the rules about how you should behave especially since some of them are contradictory. Most of us develop a keen sense of how often we fail to meet the required standards, and even when we meet them, we may not feel good about it – have you ever spent the day being both considerate and hard-working, but felt resentful and exhausted at the end of it? This is not helping us to live our lives well.

For me, there came a point where I had had enough. I realised that life felt like a constant effort with small reward – we don’t get a lot of recognition for the times when we do meet those standards, from others or ourselves – and I’m human, I need to feel it’s worth it!

I still get caught up in noticing my own ‘failure’ sometimes, but I’m getting better at avoiding that trap, and would like to encourage you to do the same, for several reasons:

  1. It makes you feel better: life feels more satisfying and enjoyable
  2. It makes you feel better: you become less stressed and more energised.
  3. It makes you feel better: you are more motivated to behave in the ways that make you feel good and improve your life
  4. It makes you feel better: you feel as if you are in control of your own story rather than making constant efforts to fit a story imposed on you.

So how do we start?

  • As ever, we begin by noticing the times when we feel good about ourselves, to tell ourselves consciously the categories of things that make us feel good. It is important to use our emotions rather than our heads to do this identification, because our emotions are a more accurate indicator of our true nature. My head may say I was ‘wasting time’ reading that book for a while, but I feel calmer and more relaxed, and that’s a good thing. On the other hand, my head may tell me that it was good to spend four hours on a Sunday afternoon clearing emails, while my emotions remind me that I feel resentful, weary and don’t really want to go to work tomorrow – not a good thing!
  • We start counting. Catch yourself doing it right, feeling good about yourself at the end of an activity, even if it were only five minutes long. For example, if you allow yourself to sit down to eat your toast in the morning, instead of eating it as you continue to get ready, count it. Or if you stopped doing emails after an hour, and said that’s enough for now, count it.
  • Keep a record of your score. This does two things: it gives us a sense of achievement instead of failure; it also helps to motivate us to enhance our scores – can I do better than yesterday? What small thing would make me feel good about myself this evening? Those of you who have been to my home will know that I keep score with brightly coloured beads, hung in my living room, because I like the visual reminder of my progress in living my life how I want to live it. It doesn’t matter how you do it, so long as you do record the good things every day.

Now if all this sounds too much, you can bring it down a notch. You may begin by just counting one aspect of your life that you want to be better at: how many times can you laugh in a day? How many times do you allow yourself to relax for a little while? How many times do you genuinely pay attention to others? How many times do you take a five-minute break?

 

This is a gentle and fun way of gradually making our lives feel better, and it starts to reverse the cultural norm of noticing our failures rather than our successes. It may not turn you into a saint, but it will surely make you feel better!

BEING TRUE TO YOURSELF PART TWO

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Last time I wrote about being true to your own fundamental values. And then it gets more complex! There is another side to being true to yourself, which is about allowing yourself to be how you are.

It was a quote from my beloved teacher, Ram Dass, that prompted me first into thinking about this: ‘I am always true to myself and this means that I am often inconsistent’ It was in the midst of listening to a talk about allowing ourselves to be human, and not always trying to be perfect, and it made me realise how often I would push myself to behave and react as you are supposed to if you are a good person, a good worker, a good parent – you get the theme…

We are a rich tapestry of often contradictory characteristics, and the particular blend of me that I am aware of today may not be the same as yesterday or tomorrow. So we can be generally sociable and wish we could just be on our own for a while, or usually focussed on our tasks but just not in the mood today, or sometimes love being a parent and other times just want to talk with other grown-ups.

We receive a lot of conditioning that makes us feel obliged to be the way we think others expect us to be, and it is hard to break the habit of trying to be how we should be rather than how we truly are.

Furthermore, we are constantly evolving. As we add to our experience, we tend to develop certain of our characteristics more. For example, we may become more compassionate towards others as we become more aware of the difficulties that some people have to contend with, or we may enjoy our own company more as we become more confident in ourselves and no longer need to be always part of a group. So, over time, being true to ourselves may mean dropping some old habits that others expect of us, because they no longer fit so well with how we have become.

I know that for me getting to grips with these two ways of being true to yourself has been difficult. Others have a picture of who you are and what you’re like, and can easily push you back into that old story, because it is also built into our culture: once you reach adulthood, it is as if you are now set in stone as a personality, even though we all know it is not true. What’s more, we do the pushing to ourselves: I often try to make myself be focussed when I am just not in the mood because I am ‘someone who can be like that’ – and then have to remind myself that I’m also a meanderer through life!

If we are going to be true to ourselves we have to admit to our inconsistencies and accept them as part of the richness of who we are. Every time we don’t, we are betraying ourselves again, and paying the cost of our hearts and minds contradicting each other.

How do we get better at being true to ourselves and our mixture of characteristics?

  1. Begin by giving yourself a moment to reflect. Notice your own mood. Do you want to be sociable or quiet today? Do you want to be active or still? Do you feel confused or clear, serious or silly? What do you really feel like doing today? And notice how you feel physically and how your mind reacts if you follow your preferences – and if you don’t.
  2. Learn to delight in your contradictions. Be grateful you are daft as well as wise – otherwise you would be most unsympathetic to others who had such opposite characteristics! It is part of what makes us human, and most of us prefer others who are not perfect.
  3. Even if you can’t fully cater for your differing moods, because of constraints at work for example, do give them a bit of recognition. Wherever possible, gear your tasks to your mood: if you feel like being sociable, talk to someone rather than emailing them. If you’re not in the mood to focus on a task, do something simple first and give yourself a chance to gently adapt your mood. And at the very least, take 15 minutes to indulge in what you really feel like doing. Our moods do shift if we allow them to without forcing it.
  4. Pay some attention to how you have evolved over the years. Have you grown out of enjoying a noisy pub night? Then suggest an alternative to your friends – it’s quite likely some of them will feel the same.
  5. Finally, dare to admit your inconsistencies to others. You may be surprised by how accepting they are when you are honest about it.

 

I believe this form of being true to yourself is a lifelong job! As we begin to explore it, we discover in how many ways we have learnt to betray ourselves and not follow our own hearts, our own story. At the same time, it is delightful to realise that being ourselves in all its diversity is the best gift we can give to others – it allows them to be real as well. Those who love you love you for who you are – so go ahead, be silly if you feel like it!!

 

NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS

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Happy New Year! We have a strange tradition at this time of year. We indulge ourselves at Christmas, and then we pull ourselves back with our resolutions: lose weight, do more exercise, make ourselves ‘better’ people in some way. When did we learn to be so self-critical?

As a child, we didn’t say to ourselves that we weren’t good enough, until we learned from others that we weren’t perfect in their eyes. Nor did we feel obliged to ‘improve’ ourselves in some way that would match up to some ill-defined external expectation. It isn’t what comes naturally to us, yet it is what most of us learn to do. We absorb the beliefs that life is about striving to fit some cultural image of how we’re supposed to be and behave, and we lose touch with our natural preferences.

I’m not suggesting that it is wrong to want to improve yourself and your life – in fact I believe strongly that this is an innate tendency in us – I’m suggesting that the context within which we do this improvement needs to change. Instead of beginning from some cultural version of who you should be and what you should do – (which by the way is not constant: it changes from culture to culture and even over time within each culture) – why not begin with who you really are. After all, you are a unique and special being who has gifts and talents and characteristics which you were born to bring into the world. We all know what really ‘fits’ with us, because we’re comfortable and unselfconscious when we’re engaged with those aspects of us, and it doesn’t require great effort on our part.

For example, I love feeding people, and sharing a meal and ‘big’ conversation with friends, but I’m not into spending all day preparing an impressive meal – it’s the company and sharing that I value and enjoy. I used to try very hard to make the perfect dinner party: everything carefully prepared, the table neatly laid, the house tidied, to give the right impression. And by the time we got to the meal itself, I was tired and cross, and even with all the effort, I often had a dessert that didn’t come out right!

Eventually I realised that, for me, feeding people is a way of showing love for them, so I learned to cook with love, rather than fancy recipes and a perfectly prepared environment. It’s feeding, not cooking that I love.

On the other hand, I love the process of writing – that is where my creative urge is satisfied. I used to worry about whether I was writing in the ‘right’ way for some vague audience – was it my English teacher at school who told me I was ‘too pedantic’? – until I realised that when I just allowed myself to write, it flowed, and I enjoyed it for its own sake, whether it was published or not, and it didn’t matter whether someone was going to approve and give me an A- (she never gave out a higher mark than that!)

 

So now it’s your turn.

  • What do you love doing?
  • When do you feel in the flow?
  • How do you feel good being? (e.g. quiet, on the move, focussed, dreamy etc.)
  • What are the characteristics and talents you enjoy practising?
  • Who is the unique and authentic you?

And as you consider these questions, notice how much you allow yourself to live according to your own natural preferences.

Now you have a more useful context for new year resolutions. Don’t try to match up to some external rules for how we’re supposed to be and behave. Instead let’s resolve to become even more ourselves, our unique special selves.

Where you are already allowing yourself to be how you prefer to be, resolve to maintain it – dinner and conversation anyone?

Where you are denying yourself the delight of being you, resolve to find some simple ways to be it more:

If you love dancing, however badly, clear a space in your living room, close the door, and dance for an hour to your favourite dance music – no-one’s watching or judging, except God and the angels, who are all applauding!

If you love drawing, but were told you were no artist, go and buy some lovely felt pens and a pad of paper, and draw for you, just for the hell of it.

If you love to sit and just do nothing, allow yourself an hour a week to do just that – nothing.

In its original meaning, a resolution was a way of dissolving back into, releasing into. Let’s make our new year resolutions a way of releasing into being more of who we really are, instead of who we are supposed to be. I’d rather be myself, wouldn’t you?

ARE YOU ALL HERE?

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Where are you now, at this moment? I expect you are in front of your computer or tablet, physically. But the physical you is only one part of the story: where is your mind, your heart?

It wasn’t until I started Tai Chi classes that I really got how often we are all a split personality! The teacher, Alan, described a scenario which was all too familiar to me – you may recognise it too.

You get in from work on a cold winter’s day, and realise that you have run out of milk. As you reluctantly set off for the local shops, your heart is back at home, sitting in the warm, your head is already in the shop, picking up the milk and a couple of other things that you have thought of, and your body is left untended, walking down the street.

I not only recognised the scenario, I also recognised the feeling of being in several places at once, and just how uncomfortable that is, like a kind of emptiness, lack of connectedness to anything. When you stop and consider it, you realise it is unpleasant, but we come to accept it as normal, and don’t even notice we are doing it. After all, for many of us, our lives consist of a lot of duties and responsibilities, with not enough time for all of them, let alone anything we would really like to do. And it becomes habitual to be a ‘split personality’ with our heads and hearts often somewhere different from our bodies, and even from each other.

Now it may seem that this ability to be in 3 places at once could be very useful in our busy lives! However, we are not a multi-function machine, we are designed to work as a whole if we want to be at our best. The effect on us of this splitting is not useful: it is an extra drain on our energy, because these different parts are pulling us in different directions, instead of working together co-operatively, as they were designed to do.

So this habit of not bringing all of us together for the task in hand is tiring for us, because we are using extra energy to manage these conflicting demands inside us, as well as doing whatever we are doing. And it’s not great for our relationships with others either: we all know when the person we are interacting with isn’t really there with us, and it creates a gap between us. It doesn’t even work well if we’re just doing something that doesn’t involve human interaction: this is when we forget the thing we went to the shop for in the first place, miss out the spell-check phase in that important document, or drop and break our favourite coffee mug. We may feel like we’re doing lots, but none of it is really effective or heartfelt, and it is certainly not enhancing our lives!!

So what’s the alternative? To commit ourselves 100% to what we’re doing now. Simple, but not always easy!

When we do this, when our heats, minds and bodies are all focussed on the same thing, we feel very different. Everyone knows this experience: we have all had those moments when we were completely drawn into something – a movie, a great conversation, planting some bulbs in the garden – and we forget about everything else for a while. Imagine if life were always like that!

Now, maybe if I were a Buddhist monk, who had practised being mindful since he was a small child, I would be able to stay in this state more often. I do know that, when I remember to bring all of me into whatever I am doing, it does work better for me: I have more energy, I am more effective, and I often enjoy things that I wouldn’t have expected to be enjoyable. So I need to find ways to help myself to be present more often.

So how do we choose to be present more often?

Firstly, notice what automatically keeps you present, and do those things more often, so you become more familiar with how much better it feels. We all have some activities that ‘entrance’ or ‘enchant’ us – these are when we are naturally and easily present. It may be being out in nature, or dancing, or doing your yoga or exercise class. It may be ‘getting lost’ in a book, a play, a movie. It may be doing a simple activity that you enjoy for no particular reason: cleaning the car; tidying your desk; folding freshly washed clothes. And notice how you feel during and after these activities where you are naturally present, 100% there.

Then you can start adding in small extras, by saying to yourself: ‘ For the next 10 minutes, I’m just going to immerse myself in this activity.’ Don’t expect yourself to do it for long in the first place – and don’t beat yourself up if you lose it! If you realise that your mind has wandered off, or you are wishing it were over, then just tempt your mind and heart back in by noticing what you can see, hear, feel, in this situation that makes you feel good.

And keep collecting the evidence that being 100% in one place at any one time is easier on us, and elicits more positive responses from others, as well as being more effective.

As I’m writing this, I’m wondering why I don’t practise this more often – there’s no downside to it!! So I’m off to be present with whatever I do next – how about you??

Being present more often

  • Notice how uncomfortable it can be to be a ‘split personality’
  • Notice the times when it comes naturally to you to be 100% present, and become aware of how it feels and the effect it has on you and on others around you
  • Practise consciously to be present, bring all of you into a situation for small lengths of time
  • Gently bring your heart and mind back into situations when they have wandered off, by noticing what you can see, hear, feel in the situation
  • Keep collecting evidence that being fully present works, for you, for those around you, and for bringing out the best in you without effort

CHANGING THE PACE OF LIFE

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Most of you who read this live, as I do, in temperate climes. That means we are just experiencing the dramatic change to the length of our day, where not only do the days get shorter naturally, but we put our clocks back and emphasise the shift, so darkness starts even earlier. As those of you who know me know, I am not a winter person; in fact I have been known to be really awful at dealing with the cold short days!

However, over the years I have gradually learnt to deal more effectively with it, and intend to continue to see if I can change the effect on me.

We have learnt to take no notice of the natural seasonal changes, carrying on with our normal busy lives, and acting as if nature has no part to play in how we act, but this is not true. Our bodies are biologically designed to interact with the natural world around us, and if we can cater for this in some ways, we will make life easier for ourselves.

After all, even doctors are now acknowledging that there may be something in this interaction with the seasonal changes – we now have SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) seen as a reality, and as something physical, not just psychological. And on a more anecdotal level, notice that people’s moods are often adversely affected by grey skies, cold, rain, and that we are more inclined to just curl up in front of the TV in these long evenings.

So what can we do to make it easier for ourselves?

First of all, remember that we physically need daylight. It helps regulate our body clock so we sleep properly, and some believe that it stimulates our pituitary gland and helps us to produce the vitamin D we need for our health, particularly if there is some sunshine. So see if you can get out into the daylight, however dull it may be, for 15 minutes a day. Many people go from home to car to work and back again for 5 days a week, with only seconds spent outside in the light. A short walk at lunchtime could make a big difference to how you feel.

Then look at what you expect yourself to do, and see if you can make some seasonal adjustments. At this time of year, your body is beginning to prepare for some form of hibernation – a slowing down for the winter period. We may not be able to change our working patterns, but we can certainly change our rest-of-life patterns, to cater somewhat for the natural inclination of our bodies. When we were hunter-gatherers, late autumn and winter was the time to rest and recuperate, and to catch up on ourselves. So give yourself permission to do the same.

This is a good time for indoor projects, as I suggested in my last blog. Do a bit of clearing out, and make your home even more comfortable and welcoming.

Do something creative: make a different evening meal, get out those drawing materials and play with them, learn to make your own Christmas decorations, or read about something you’ve been interested in for a while.

Make the long winter evenings a time you look forward to, when you indulge in something you enjoy: do a jigsaw, read a book, watch a movie.

And remember the rest and recuperation part of the story. Catch up on your sleep, and allow yourself to recover from the cumulative exhaustion of your busy life. Have friends round and enjoy a sociable evening of food, drink and conversation. Make some hearty winter food: home-made soup, a good roast dinner – things that feel heart-warming.

Weekends are an opportunity to top up on some daylight as well. If you have children, take them to a country park or local play area – they still have the instinct to be outdoors in the daylight when you can. And just notice the plants changing: leaves dropping, berries on bushes, the touch of frost sparkling, and everything quietening down to rest, ready to spring to life again in a few months.

This is a time of permission to power down for a while, to build your energy to take full advantage of the surge of spring. Go with it, and you will transform your winter.

Actions to take

  1. Take a short walk every day and get some fresh air
  2. Give yourself a winter project – something to make your home feel even more welcoming
  3. Do something creative that’s also fun
  4. Do something you enjoy that you can do at home
  5. Catch up on your sleep – let yourself sleep for longer than usual when you can
  6. Make some hearty winter food
  7. Relax with friends
  8. Notice and enjoy the changes in the natural world

BEING KIND TO YOURSELF

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Most people I know are kind people. They are considerate of others, thoughtful about what might make someone else feel good, and forgiving when others get something wrong. I would put myself in this category as well and have always thought it was a good way to be.

And of course, it is!! Being kind is a lovely way to be in the world, and it is good for us as well. It enhances the health-giving chemicals in our body as much as it does for those we are being kind to. However there is a caveat: are we also remembering to be kind to ourselves? I know that I used to put others first all the time, and run myself out of energy because I didn’t give myself enough time to recover and re-energise. Worse than that, I would then beat myself up for not being able to maintain the level of kindness that I expected from myself.

When we do this, the good effects of our kindness start to diminish, not just for us, but also for those on the receiving end. The effort we make to maintain being kind offsets any benefits we derive biologically from being kind: the stress hormones are released and outweigh the health-giving hormones. And even though our intention to be kind is still the same, there is a little bit of us that feels somewhat resentful of giving of ourselves when we’re running out of energy, and others will get some vague sense of this, despite our best intentions: they are left feeling as if they owe us somehow.

On top of all this, we then criticise ourselves for not being good enough, and make ourselves feel even worse! This is very mean of us!! We would never treat a friend as badly as we often treat ourselves!

Now I wouldn’t claim to have cracked this one completely. I still find myself over-stretching in order to be kind to others, and I often find that I am beating myself up for not being considerate enough of others. Nonetheless, I am getting much better at remembering that neither of these old habits is useful for me, or my ability to be kind.

So what helps us to remember to be kind to ourselves as well?

Notice when you have over-stretched. If you are having to ‘gear yourself up’ to be kind, you’ve gone past your limits. If you feel really drained after even a brief interaction with someone, you’ve gone past your limits. If you find yourself wishing the particular interaction were finished now, you’ve gone past your limits.

Notice when you’re criticising yourself for not being considerate enough of others. You will begin to notice that the effects of being over-stretched are often followed by a second dose of thoughts that make us feel even worse.

When we begin to notice these negative effects on ourselves consciously, we are more likely to do something about it. Then we move to the next stage: being consciously kind to ourselves.

As a kind person, decide what kind thing you will do for yourself each day. Do this in the morning when you first wake up, so it becomes built in as part of your day. You may allow yourself to stay in bed a little longer, or let yourself off that task you set yourself, but don’t really need to do today. You may buy yourself a little treat at lunchtime, or have a conversation with a friend and talk about your ‘stuff’ rather than theirs.

By getting onto the habit of being kind to ourselves in some way each day, we are both re-energising ourselves and practising kindness as much as if it were for another, thus enhancing the level to which we are a kind person.

When you realise you are being critical of yourself, ask yourself what you would say to your best friend about this, if they had done it or thought it. We are all much harder on ourselves than we are on others, and that’s just not fair!

Limit your kindness with others. This is a hard one for a kind person! But you know that sometimes your kindness doesn’t seem to be appreciated, and you also know that sometimes your kindness to others is detrimental to you.

Give yourself a better chance of sustaining your kindness, and feeling good about it. Give your kindness when you’re in the mood, to those who appreciate it. And if you are in the mood, sometimes give kindness where it doesn’t feel appreciated – it’s fun then, feels good if you have no expectations.

When we apply kindness to ourselves first, we don’t become less kind to others. The reverse is true in my experience: we have more heartfelt kindness to give away. It’s like stocking up our reserve of kindness so we can be even more generous with it.

Experiment with these ideas and see what happens, to you and with others. And let me know how it goes!

The steps to being kind to ourselves

  1.  Notice when you have over-stretched.
  2. Notice when you’re criticising yourself for not being considerate enough of others.
  3. As a kind person, decide what kind thing you will do for yourself each day.
  4. When you realise you are being critical of yourself, ask yourself what you would say to your best friend about this, if they had done it or thought it.
  5. Limit your kindness with others

 

STOPPING

Ways of Remembering, , ,

Are you one of the millions of people who think they are closet lazy devils? You may well recognise the thought: ‘If I allow myself to stop when I feel like it, I may never get anything done, because I’m naturally a lazy person.’ It is amazing how powerfully this message has been inserted into our consciousness!

So where does this thought come from? My belief is that it is built into western culture as part of maintaining what is called the Protestant work ethic. Remember those little children we once were? Not only did we have too much energy some of the time, we also inconveniently wanted to just stop and rest or sleep sometimes. Whilst this is accepted as part of being a baby, we work hard to train children into only sleeping at night-time, and being active physically and/or mentally when it suits. We teach them how to counteract their natural tendency to balance activity with rest, and fit in with the way things work: school, workplaces, family life.

Now children, who are still aware of their natural tendency, are likely to object to the training, which is when they learn that those who don’t fit in are called ‘lazy’ and this is a bad thing, and no child likes to be classified as something unacceptable, so we adopt the habits we see around us.

I know that I lived with the fear of being a closet lazy person for many years, and still find it reappears sometimes.  Yet a part of me felt that it was a false message. If I really were lazy, why did I find it boring after a while when I had enforced ‘laziness’, like being ill in bed? And I began to notice the evidence that suggested we aren’t lazy creatures at all.

When you step back from it for a moment, you begin to realise that it makes no sense. No child is born lazy – in fact we frequently complain that they have more energy than we can handle! So it is not an inherent part of our nature. And when we do allow ourselves to stop for long enough – maybe only if we take a holiday! – we discover that there comes a point when we are ready and wanting to do something. So as a grown-up, maybe it’s time to remember that we are actually designed biologically to ebb and flow, to have energy and to have time to rebuild that energy. If we want to be at our best, then we need to cater for our natural design and stop forcing ourselves past it.

This is radical, but doesn’t have to be dramatic: we can start gently. I remember I began to experiment when my son was young and I was working full-time. The normal routine was: busy at work, dash to the child-minder’s, pick him up, take him home, and immediately launch into tea, homework, getting things ready for the next day. I knew I wasn’t the most pleasant of mums, but I dutifully got everything done! I asked Jo if it was OK with him if we experimented for a week with me having 15 minutes to myself when we got home – time for a coffee and a cigarette and a sit-down – before starting on everything else. He agreed somewhat reluctantly, and I felt guilty, but decided to try it anyway. At the end of the week, I felt better – less exhausted, less snappy – but I still felt guilty about making him wait his turn for my attention, so I thanked him for letting me do it, and said we could revert to normal now. His response surprised me: he suggested I took 5 minutes longer from now on! When I asked him why, he pointed out that I was much nicer during that week, and he preferred that, so maybe 5 minutes more would make me nicer still!

Since that time, I have gradually got better at finding ways to stop for a while, and allow myself to recover my energy. In the process, I have gathered more and more evidence that it is not only a more natural way for us to live our lives, but also a more effective one. It is astonishing how a little stopping now and then allows us to be more pleasant, more creative, less exhausted and generally more our real selves.

So how do you introduce stopping into your life more often?

Breathspaces: begin simply! Remember to take a breathspace, before you respond to someone, send that email, get into the car, answer the phone. Just a breathspace can make a difference.

Five minutes: take five minutes before you launch into your day, start on those home duties when you get back from work, start the next task.

Fifteen minutes: allow yourself 4 or 5 fifteen-minute gaps in your busy week. Call them admin time and write them in your diary as part of your schedule. And do nothing: stare out of the window, go for a stroll, relax into a comfy chair.

When these become habitual, you can start to expand on your experiment with stopping. A half-hour or hour at the weekend that is just for you, an evening where you just read a good book or watch a good movie and leave the chores until the next day, a whole day with no list of things you have to do.

And notice how, after a while, your energy starts to lift again and, if you relax into it enough, you start having thoughts like:’ Oh, I know what I can do about that thing that’s been bugging me,’ or ‘I haven’t seen so-and-so for ages – it would be fun to catch up with her,’ – the healthy and positive thoughts that often aren’t allowed in because our minds are so full of what we have to do next.

You’re not lazy, you’re just over-stretched! Don’t worry: if you stopped for days on end, you would come to a point where you said to yourself: ‘ I want to do ….. now.’ What an improvement that would be over: ‘I’d better get on with  …..’ – wouldn’t it!

It’s a simple change I’m suggesting in our thinking process. It replaces: ‘I’ll just do …. and then I’ll stop’ with ‘ I’ll just have a little rest and then I’ll do ….’. It seemed like common sense when you were a little child – maybe it will again now!

 

 

STARTING YOUR DAY

Ways of Remembering, ,

How did you start your day today? I have recently been reminded of how many people start their day in a way that gives them a disadvantage from the start – it goes something like this…

I wake when the alarm goes off and go, ‘Oh shit!’, because I am still tired and wish I didn’t have to get up yet. Then I throw myself out of bed, with my mind already thinking about all the things I have to do today. I have a shower, using up the shampoo/shower gel that no-one else is using up, put on some clothes that will do for today, and go downstairs. I switch on the news, just to depress myself a little more, and eat/drink something – I don’t actually know what it is unless I look at it, as I am not tasting it, just shoving it down while my mind carries on with its busyness! And then I pick up my things, and go to the car to face the awful traffic at this time in the morning.

If you took a snapshot of me as I leave the house, you would realise that I already have a frown on my face, my shoulders are hunched, and I look miserable. And then I have to drive to work, where I am of course going to have a great day!!!

Is this too extreme, or do you recognise it? If you start your day like this, it is a miracle if you ever have a good day! You have not connected with your body or the world around you at all, you have already predicted your day with your thoughts, and you have treated yourself very badly – would you welcome a baby back into the world in the morning like that?

So what is the alternative? Well, it requires that you take allow an extra five minutes in your morning as a minimum, but the pay-off is enormous. It goes like this…

I wake up when the alarm goes off and allow myself one more minute in bed, snuggling into its comfort. I then get out of bed gently, allowing my body to properly wake up, and take a breathspace to smile at the lovely colours in my duvet, or the picture I have on the wall – (most of us have something in our bedroom we chose because we like the look of it – and if you haven’t, get something!). I have a shower, using something I love the smell of, a favourite shower gel and shampoo. And I use my best perfume or after-shave – who told us we were supposed to save favourites for best? No child would do that with anything that was a favourite! Now I get dressed, choosing to wear something that will make me feel good: I may need a bright colour or something that feels nice against my skin, or just something that is really comfortable – and if there are rules about what I can wear for work, I can always wear something underneath that makes me feel good – no-one will know but me!

Notice that so far, I have been thinking about the comfort of being in bed, the look of things around me, the smells in the bathroom and the sensation of the shower, and the feel and look of my clothes – I haven’t gone into the future yet.

I go downstairs and put on some music that will make me feel good – sometimes something soothing, sometimes something lively or that just makes me want to dance or smile. After all, people will always talk about it if there is anything important happening in the news – I will find out soon enough. Now I am going to have breakfast – notice that the word means breaking my fast – I haven’t eaten or drunk anything for quite a while, so I make sure it is something I like, and savour that first taste.

In total, my extra activities have probably taken me about 2 of my extra five minutes – 1 minute in bed and some seconds appreciating the sensations I have – so now I have the luxury of something else to make me feel good before I go to work – 3 minutes is ages! I could have a second coffee, stroke the cat, do a couple of crossword clues in the paper, look at the flowers in my garden – I might even say something pleasant to someone else in the household!! Perhaps most importantly, I can consider how I am going to make the rest of my day work well, to keep up the good mood.

This time, if you took a snapshot as I leave the house, I would have a smile on my face, be more relaxed in my body, and probably have a favourite cd in my hand, to play while I sit in traffic! Maybe this time I really will have a good day at work!

We all tend to underestimate our own power to choose how our life is and how we are. We assume that things just happen to be the way they are, and forget to notice that we tend to have the sort of day we are expecting – which suggests that we play an active part in creating the tone of the day.

When we first wake, we are setting ourselves up for the rest of the day. We are showing ourselves how we are going to be and what the day is going to be like. If we treat ourselves kindly, and put ourselves in a good mood, if we notice the things that make us feel good and pay them attention, if we choose to think about how we can make our day work as well as possible, then we have set a different tone to our day. It might not be perfect, but it is far more likely to work well for us than if we start the day by making ourselves feel like crap!!

Come on, give yourself a chance – you wouldn’t treat your best friend or your child as badly as you do yourself! And even if you don’t feel you can do it for your own benefit, just think of the pay-off for others – you will be so much easier to be around!

The morning ritual

  1. Enjoy the comfort of your bed for a moment
  2. Notice the lovely colours in your bedroom
  3. Use your favourite smells in the bathroom
  4. Wear something that makes you feel good
  5. Listen to some favourite music that sets the right mood
  6. Have something you love the taste of for breakfast, and savour the taste
  7. Do one more thing to make yourself feel in a good mood