Tag Archives: being happy

HUGS

Ways of Remembering, , , ,

Anyone who knows me will know that I’m a ‘touchy-feely’ person, as one of my colleagues described me. I tend to make physical contact with people when I’m with them, and I love hugs! They are a simple and direct way of expressing love – no messy awkward words, just a warm embrace.

Do you give and get hugs enough? Several years ago, we did an event for Comic Relief where we gave out almost free hugs in the city centre; a donation of any kind got you a big heartfelt hug. It was both heart-warming and heart-breaking. There were people who said they hadn’t been hugged for over a year; there were teenagers who came back for second and third go’s; there were parents who sent their children forward for a hug. We hugged so many people that our arms ached at the end of it! It felt as if we were offering a public service that was desperately needed, and appreciated. Yet we are all capable of giving a hug to someone.

The benefits of hugs are enormous, to the giver and the receiver: both automatically release oxytocin into their bloodstreams with a heartfelt hug. This affects us emotionally – we feel happier – and also physically: it helps us to stay healthy. And hugs are a form of communication that goes past the ‘edges’ that can develop between us and goes to the core of just showing affection.

Now not everyone is a hugger – some people shrink away from that full embrace. The colleague I mentioned earlier, who said I was touchy-feely was just embarrassed if I went to hug him. So we developed a different form. He would lightly punch my arm and I would hold his fist there for a second or two with my hand. Sounds daft doesn’t it! But even that much physical contact makes a difference to how we feel, more than words ever can.

So put an arm round a shoulder, touch an arm, hold a hand for a moment, or go for that big hug, and share a moment of that health-giving connection – it’s good for all of us!

WHAT IS YOUR FUNDAMENTAL METAPHOR?

Ways of Remembering, , , , ,

We all use metaphor in our everyday language. You think we don’t? Do you ever battle or fight against anything? Do you slip or slide into a bad mood? Do some things just flow for you? Do ideas blossom or grow? Our everyday phrases are full of metaphor, and we don’t realise it consciously.

Once we become aware of it, we can choose to use this tendency well, to help us. You see, metaphor is a powerful way of encapsulating how we experience something and has a major effect on our mood and attitude. It influences how we filter our experience, what we notice.

I was watching a programme where someone was arguing that ‘glass half empty’ and ‘glass half full’ were the same thing and it made me cross! That may be logical, but this variation of metaphor is not logical, it’s based on emotion and attitude. A ‘glass half empty’ person notices what’s wrong, and is discontent, unhappy with their lot, whereas the ‘glass half full’ person notices what’s good, what’s right, and is more optimistic and cheerful. Which would you rather be?

Metaphors relate to our beliefs about what it is like to be in the world and drive our way of reacting to events in our life. If we have absorbed the belief that life is a struggle, we will tend to use ‘battleground’ metaphor: ‘my idea was shot down by the boss’, ‘I had to fight to get my point across, ‘I won out in the end’. This set of metaphors is very prevalent in western industrial culture.

On the other hand, we may have absorbed the belief that there is a natural order to things, so we have growth, dormancy, ebb and flow, highs and lows.

Now neither of these is right or wrong, true or false. The question is, which is more useful as a guiding principle for living your life well? And we can choose.

Although fundamental beliefs about how the world works tend to be absorbed unconsciously when we are young, we can change them if we become conscious of them.

  1. We can begin to notice the less useful metaphors we apply to ourselves and our lives and consciously adapt them
  2. We can begin to notice the more useful metaphors we come up with and consciously reinforce them
  3. We can choose to have a fundamental belief that the world is supportive of us and works with us as it does in nature, and look consciously for evidence to support that belief

So next time you are battling your way through your day, just ask yourself how else you would handle that day if the world were supportive of you.

And enjoy the days where you know that you are in the flow if it!!

COMFORT

Ways of Remembering, , ,

I was preparing a programme the other day, and was looking at things that comfort us as part of it. It suddenly struck me that the original meaning of the word comfort is: things that give us strength, that bring us back to our own power. This puts quite a different slant on what makes us feel comfortable.

For example, we often talk about comfort eating, and it has a derogatory feel to it, yet if you think about it as food that gives us strength, we are more likely to choose to eat a hearty home-made soup or casserole than a packet of biscuits. Similarly, comfortable clothes shift from old clothes we slop abut in to the clothing that makes us feel ready to deal with our day in an empowered way.

Notice that this doesn’t mean that we have to ‘dress up’ or not eat those chocolates: it isn’t another set of rules about what we should do. It just means we ask ourselves what would make me feel more ‘myself’, more at my best. I used to have a neighbour who would shower and put on make-up before she did anything else, every single morning and I never understood it. She would say that she wasn’t comfortable dealing with anyone or anything until she had done that – and she had two small boys, so I thought it was incredible to do all that for yourself before sorting out the kids – what vanity! Now I understand – she was just giving herself a chance to be in her power. My comfort in the morning is my 15 minutes of quiet time, 2 cups of coffee – same effect, different method – and I took years longer than her to realise how important it is!

This definition of comfort has got me thinking about lots of other things in a different way: ‘feel-good’ movies, which comfort me by reminding me of the best of human qualities; music that lifts the spirit; jewellery that represents me being fully me; objects that remind me of times when I was on form.

So what comforts – things that strengthen you – do you have available to you, to use more often? What helps you to feel more you, more in your own power? Look at what you choose to eat, what you choose to wear, because they are affecting you in your day. And when you need that extra something, when you are feeling a bit off, how can you add to your own comfort? What reminds you of the real you that you could use to help yourself?

There are so many ways we can help ourselves to be more comfortable, to be ourselves. So give yourself some lovely comfortable days!

BEING GRATEFUL

Ways of Remembering, , , , ,

Every so often, I am reminded about being grateful. As a child, I had it hammered into me: thank you letters for presents, thank you’s for anything given to me or done for me, because it was the polite thing to do. It took years for me to recognise gratitude for what it really is: not politeness, but appreciation for the gifts offered to us on a daily basis.

The word grateful links back to two Latin words: gratia, which means a service, a favour given to someone; and gratis which means free, at no cost. Being grateful therefore means originally being full of gifts given to you for free – isn’t that lovely!

It enriches our awareness of all those things that we take for granted in our everyday lives that are simply there for us, should we choose to appreciate them: the natural world; our ability to breathe, think, move, feel; our homes; our food; our friendships and loved ones; beauty in art; wonderful and inspiring words and stories in books, theatre, film; music to make our hearts sing. When I stop to think about the gifts I am given, it is a never-ending list!

And as you consider your own list of things to be grateful for, just notice how it makes you feel. This is not something you ought to be grateful for because it’s a ‘good’ thing to do: it fills us with warmth, a glow; it opens our hearts; it gives us a different perspective on our lives. My gratitude attitude feeds me and enriches my life!

Sometimes there is no-one there to thank, to show your appreciation to – that doesn’t stop me! I enjoy thanking the soil and the weather for nurturing my plants, the birds for singing to me, Bob Dylan for writing such amazing songs! I like to imagine that my thank you’s don’t disappear into thin air, but create a small ray of warmth that feeds into the world and helps to make it a better place.

And if there is someone there to say thank you to, in whatever way – the words, a hug, applause – then that is the least I can do to show my appreciation of their gift to me: driving me to town, delivering my post, saying something lovely, singing or acting beautifully for me.

So just stop for a moment today and look at the different gifts that are given to you – and say thank you!

And thank you for reading my blogs – it delights me to think that someone out there takes some time to read what I have written ad appreciates my words!! Thank you!!

SPENDING TIME

Ways of Remembering, ,

Have you noticed that we describe time in the same way as we do money: spending, wasting, saving, not enough, running out of. It makes sense because our time is a similar resource: we have a clear ‘budget’ of 24 hours in a day, and once it’s gone, we can’t sneak in an extra couple of hours from another day!

So what do we spend our time on? Do you stop and think about it? Every day, we have the chance to start afresh, with a new budget of hours, and use our time well. To me, this means that we need to consider what we want to feel like at the end of the day, and then decide what will make it likely that we will feel that way.

Of course, we usually have some things that are ‘fixed costs’ in our daily budget of time- sleeping, meals, work – yet we all have some ‘spare’ time that we can make choices about. Do I watch random TV at the end of the day, because I’m tired, or do I watch something that inspires me or makes me laugh? Do I do the housework, or do I spend my time with friends or family?

If we stop to think in terms of how it will make us feel, rather than automatically ploughing through the habitual list of things to get done in the day, we can change the nature of our days. And it is obvious that we haven’t thought this through properly, because we now have so many ‘time-savers’ like internet shopping, washing machines and driers, our own cars rather than public transport etc. etc. When this advance was talked about before it happened, the prediction was that we would all be able to work fewer hours, and have much more leisure time to do what we wanted. Yet we all seem to be busier than ever! My mum had more to do physically than I do – food shopping for her was three times a week by bus – yet she had more time to talk with neighbours, to play a board game with us kids…

If we are saving time, what are we saving it for? What are we spending this spare time on? I don’t know about you, but I know I would prefer to spend it on things that make me feel good at the end of the day.

So let’s start with the fundamentals: what use of my time makes me feel good at the end of the day? You need to consciously think about this and create your own repertoire, so that you have a clear idea of what is good use of your time for you, and can spend any time you save wisely.

It will probably be a mixture of categories, which you adjust according to the demands of that particular day, and your mood in the morning, to give you a balance in the day. For example, if I have been working all day, I may want to spend some of my spare time doing something physical instead of mental, or I may want to do something relaxing and quiet.

Possible categories of daily activities for your repertoire

I have developed a set of categories that help me to find a balance in my days, so they may be a useful starter for 10 for you.

  1. I like to feel I’ve achieved something in the day: done some work, done some writing, answered some emails, sorted or cleared something (Careful! This list can take over!) So I choose 1 or 2 priorities in a day.
  2. I like to have spent some of my time doing something physical: pilates, a walk, some gardening. It feels good to use my body and nowadays that isn’t built into our normal days like it was for my mum.
  3. I like to have spent some of my time in contact with others: time with friends or family, phone calls, chatting to the sales assistant – something which is proper human interaction (facebook doesn’t count!)
  4. I like to have some stimulation in my day, something to get my creative mind going: writing, a documentary or article on something that interests me, a good conversation.
  5. I feel good if I can just be for a little while, time to keep it all in perspective, to assess where I’m up to.
  6. And I feel good if I have allowed myself some time to just relax and do something I enjoy: a good movie, reading a good book, pursuing a hobby.

This sounds like being busy all day when I spell it out like this, doesn’t it! And of course in some sense it is – after all we do all use our time each day in some way or another. The difference is that by thinking about the different ways in which I can use my time, I am more likely to keep a balance and not waste my time on things that don’t enrich my day.

Notice that some of the things we have been taught to think of as a waste of time are really valuable. Waste of time seems to have become linked to not having a result or product that is tangible, instead of what is truly a waste of our time – engaging in activities that don’t add anything to our feeling of well-being. Which is better for our soul, clearing our in-box or taking 15 minutes to stroll in the fresh air on a pleasant autumn day?

The criterion for whether something is a waste of time is not the activity itself, it’s how you feel at the end of it.

And remember that often the things that make all the difference to how we feel at the end of the day don’t actually use that much time. Just 15 minutes of sitting back and just drifting can make us feel so much better when we resume what we were doing. And some categories can be catered for in one activity: I can be with friends and have stimulating conversation, and relax – what good use of my time resource!!

So, how are you spending your time today? You can’t save it for tomorrow: the budget disappears at the end of each day. And each morning you have a new budget, so there is always another chance to choose to spend your time in a way that makes you feel good, and sends you to bed saying: ‘That was a good day!’

 

WHAT ARE YOU NOTICING?

Ways of Remembering, , , ,

I am still surprised by how different our interpretations of the world around us can be. It is a fascinating phenomenon that brings into question whether there is such a thing as a set reality or the truth of the matter, because whatever you consider to be ‘the fact’, someone else believes the opposite.

When I was studying with John Grinder, he gave me an invaluable way of approaching this. He suggested that, rather than trying to prove whether something was true or right, we paid attention instead to whether it was useful to us to believe that it was true or right.

This takes us to recognising the effect of that belief on us: whether it makes us feel better or worse; whether it enhances our attitude or behaviour or leaves us suspicious, disempowered, miserable.

I used to be someone who ‘knew’ that life was stressful, that the world was messy, that we were victims of circumstance – the list goes on and on! I had absorbed a lot of the cultural norms for how I viewed the world and the effect on me was pretty disastrous! I found life hard, the days full of problems or potential problems, and if I lifted my head above my daily concerns, the state of the world looked rather awful as well. I was a prime candidate for his message!

So I began to gradually shift my perspective, looking for more useful things to notice, so that I could begin to change my beliefs about how things were. I began to notice how much of what I did worked fine, how many people were pleasant and kind, what good things were happening in the world.

This doesn’t mean denying the bad bits and living in cloud cuckoo land. It is just about a re-balancing of perspective, so that you feel more able to handle the crap that comes your way with a more constructive attitude, because you can see that the crap is not the full story.

So just consider your average day, and notice how much of it goes well: you can eat and drink things you like for your meals; you are generally healthy; you enjoy the company of most of those you spend time with; your work or other activities are mostly straightforward for you to achieve; you get pleasure out of your leisure time. Of course there are glitches occasionally, but most of it is pretty good. (And if it isn’t, then for goodness’ sake do something about it!) If you notice and appreciate what works in your life, it feels better and you can enhance your energy to deal with those glitches.

And don’t allow the tendency of our media to emphasise the disasters and horrid human behaviour to colour your whole view of the world. Find out about the good things that are happening: the kindness of people, the innovative approaches to problems, the only newspaper I read is called Positive News and I find it an enlightening re-balancing of reporting, telling me about the good things in our world.

I’m not proposing this adjustment of what you notice and pay attention to in order to turn us all into naïve optimists – or maybe I am! Because it is optimists who enjoy their lives, and more than that, make a difference in the world. They are only called naïve by cynics!

It is useful to believe that your life works pretty well, that people are generally good, that things can and do get better. It encourages you to notice what confirms these beliefs and to actively take part in building those confirmations.

Come on, let’s count those blessings, and believe life is good – isn’t it what we’re here for?

 

THE RIPPLE EFFECT

Ways of Remembering, , , ,

Who have you affected today? The answer is: anyone you have had any sort of contact with. That’s a bit scary isn’t it? We tend to think we only affect others if we have consciously decided to do so, yet we know it’s not true.

Think about it the other way round: has anyone made you smile or laugh or feel warm today? Or have they annoyed you, bored you, upset you? It only takes a word or two, a line in an email from someone, to set our mood for a while. Even people there is no direct contact with can change our mood: the person who’s being delightful with someone else in your vicinity – and the one who is being unpleasant with someone – not to mention the news, or the dj on the radio!

It’s called the ripple effect because how we are with others ripples out, not just to them, but also to the next people they encounter, and from those people to their interactions, etc. There is research that proves this effect, and we all actually experience it, whether we’re aware of it or not.

Many years ago, I realised this, when Jo, my son, and I were on a retreat with our teacher and friend Emmanuel. It was in the south of France in the summer, and we were given an afternoon off, but with homework to do: we had to do something that helped others. Jo and I spent moments considering this, and decided not to! We went to the seaside instead, having lovely coffee, a great ice cream, and playing silly buggers on the beach. We had great fun, and went back feeling great.

Then there was report-back from the homework and people started talking about the ways they’d been kind to others. I decided to do true confession, and said that we had just gone and had fun. The group were a bit shocked that we didn’t just ignore the homework, we also admitted to it! Emmanuel’s response, however, was quite different: he suggested that we had probably had a positive impact on more people than anyone else, because our joy and fun had affected passers-by, people on the bus, and anyone who encountered or saw us. I was astonished and delighted that helping others could be so easy and pleasurable!

So what effect are you having in the world? Just stop and think about it, before you snap at someone or, sometimes worse, ignore them. You can make a positive difference in the world every single day, by just saying a kind word, being happy, deciding not to react negatively.

And you can choose not to allow someone else’s bad mood to ripple to you and through you. Why should they be able to use you as a vehicle to send negative ripples into the world? Just recognise your reaction to their mood, and consciously walk away from it, and choose your own mood.

If only for today, choose to have a positive ripple effect, and see what happens…

THE GIFT OF LAUGHTER

Ways of Remembering, , ,

‘God gave us a gift of smiles and laughter – use them.’ The Dalai Lama.

Oh, isn’t it lovely to laugh wholeheartedly! I was watching an interview with the Dalai Lama when he said the above quote, and boy does he live what he preaches – he is constantly smiling or laughing. And I realised that every time he smiled or laughed, I did too – his joy was so infectious.

It feels as if our whole body is grateful when we laugh: our muscles relax, our hearts open, and it feels as if we let go of all our tensions. And of course we do! There is a saying: ‘Laughter is the best medicine.’ It automatically sets off the positive health-giving chemicals in us, it makes us breathe more deeply and oxygenate our bodies, and it releases tensions in our muscles. What an easy way to enhance our health!

And it does more than just enhance our physical health. At the same time as letting go of our physical tensions, we stop, for a moment, holding on to our mental tensions. Our minds go quiet, that damn voice in our heads shuts up, and we just allow ourselves to be in this moment of joy. Mentally we become whole again, leaving behind our fears and worries.

Those moments of laughter free us from being caught up in our story, giving us space to regain perspective and remember who we really are. So thank God for those who make us laugh: the comedian, the pet’s antics, the small child, the friends, and the Dalai Lama!

And remember that laughter is infectious. If you see someone laughing, it is hard to resist joining in: our facial muscles automatically copy those of someone we’re watching – we mirror them at a micro-muscular level – so you’re already halfway there. It doesn’t take much to go all the way and join in, and it is a really enjoyable thing to do.

So for goodness’ sake, find reasons to laugh every day, allow yourself to be infected by the laughter of others, and actively use this gentle, God-given gift to keep yourself healthy.

LIFE AS A MELLOW DRAMA

Ways of Remembering, , ,

Isn’t it easy to describe our life as a soap opera, full of melodrama! I have been strongly reminded of this recently, as I described the process of getting my book ready for publication to someone. When I had finished my tale of woe and tribulation, I just had to laugh at myself. On reflection, it was simply a bit tedious and required more iterations than I would have liked, but it wasn’t the major drama I had turned it into, and it was worth the effort. What’s more, I realised that I could have made it easier for myself by dealing with it differently.

We all have these areas of resistance, where we fight aspects of our lives instead of accepting them, and thereby cause ourselves even more stress. So I thought it was apposite to look at how we can make a different choice. My beloved teacher Ram Dass suggested years ago that the melodrama of life could become a mellow drama instead, and that has to be preferable. I can feel my mind and body relax at the very thought of it!

First, let’s look at how we create that melodrama. We begin with beliefs we have, that this will be difficult, that we’re not good at this sort of thing, that this not something we wanted in our lives. We are not really aware of these as beliefs, because we tend to state them as facts, and they influence strongly how we react. We then employ all the ‘language devils’ to describe the experience: “ I shouldn’t have to ..’, ‘I had to..’, They made me..’, This sort of things always happens to me’. And we use strong negative language; words like difficult, stressful, upsetting, disturbing, disastrous. Finally, we tell our story to others, to confirm the version we have created, and to get their sympathy. By the time we’ve finished with it, the experience has become the awful story we chose, and we live it that way. After all, we have used a lot of energy to shore up our own resistance, so we’re bound to be reluctant to tackle it in a positive way!

So let’s create a mellow drama

We use the same process to create a mellow drama, just with a different tone to it. We’ve all done this, both with those things we handle easily in our lives and with other people’s melodramas, where we say to ourselves, or them: ‘What’s the big fuss about? Just get over yourself you silly sausage!’

  1. What useful beliefs do you have in this situation? Look consciously for the ones that will support you in keeping it in perspective, and dealing with it well, such as: ‘I can handle things like this – I’ve done it before,’ or ‘it is only a small part of my overall experience’.
  2. Describe it to yourself (and others) in useful language. Begin with: ‘This has happened/is going to happen, so how am I going to handle it?’ there’s no point in resisting it happening, it’s already there, so accept it as a fact and choose how you react. This question creates a pause, so you can make that choice.
  3. Reduce the impact of your language. In your description of the experience, use words like ‘a bit’ or ‘slightly’ annoying, tedious etc. It reduces their power to colour the whole thing. Then add in an ‘and’ sentence, which acknowledges the positives in the experience. ‘It was a bit tedious and it was worth doing for the result’, or ‘It was slightly upsetting and it made me realise that I am lucky not to have things like that in my life all the time’.
  4. Keep it in perspective. As well as being more aware of how you are describing it, remind yourself to keep perspective. After all, it is only a small portion of your life. Think about the other things that do work well in your life. Remind yourself of how you handle most experiences well, even so-called difficult ones. Remember that a year from now you probably won’t even remember that it happened.
  5. Take a step away from it. Imagine yourself viewing it from the point of view of someone who isn’t disturbed by such things. Or just laugh at yourself, like I did, eventually! Laughter always gives us a slight detachment from being caught up, and releases the tension we’ve built up.

Life is always going to present us with hundreds of opportunities for melodrama, from the trivial – someone cutting in front of you in traffic – to the major – splitting up with your partner. But it’s up to us how we interpret that experience. Sometimes, of course, we feel justified in having it as a melodrama, but often we could save our energy for just dealing with it, by viewing it as a mellow drama, just another part of life’s rich tapestry, and use that energy for more useful things, rather than resisting it and causing ourselves all that stress.

 

(By the way, the book that prompted this is called ‘It’s not Rocket Science – a blueprint for a sustainably successful organisation.’ It is now published, both as a paperback, available through our website www.meta-org.com and as an e-book on amazon. And I am delighted with the result!!)

A SENSE OF WONDER

Ways of Remembering, , , ,

Over the last few weeks, I have watched my beech hedge turn from looking dead and bare to being filled with new life, firstly as buds, and then green leaves that almost seem to glow. I don’t have to go anywhere to observe this miracle of nature – I just have to be still for long enough to notice. This is one of thousands of examples of the wonder of our natural world, and spring is a great time to be reminded of that, as so many things come back to life.

I like the word wonder, and the adjective, wonderful. They mean amazement, astonishment, and imply that we are reacting to the magic of our world. We may be able to explain some of these things scientifically, but that doesn’t mean we have to lose our sense of wonder.

As children, we are amazed by lots of things that adults seem to ignore or take for granted. We notice all those things in the natural world: how clouds change shape; the different songs birds sing; the colours and patterns on butterflies. And we also see magic in man-made things: how light goes on and off at the flick of a switch; how we can talk to someone many miles away as if they were in the room; how sheep’s wool can become a colourful sweater. All this wonder gives us a sense of possibility and creativity, as well as delighting us, making us smile or laugh.

This awareness of the magic and wonder of our world is also something that people often come back to when they know they are dying, or have narrowly escaped death. I remember Dennis Potter, the playwright, movingly describing his delight in blossom on the trees, the feel of sunshine on his skin.

Yet in between our childhood and the end of our lives, we seem to be too busy or ‘practical’ to allow ourselves just to wonder. We may occasionally feel that sense of delight – most people I know can’t help but go ‘Ooooh!’ when they see fireworks – but most of the time we don’t take advantage of the many things we have to wonder at, we don’t take the moment it takes to feel that amazement at the world we have.

It seems to me that the sense of wonder is part of the essence of the human spirit, intended to give us delight, reminders of possibility, and help us make this world a better place. So let’s re-find it now, and enjoy it for most of our lives, not just at the beginning and end.

Take a few minutes to be amazed and delighted every day.

  • Look at the sky outside your window – how big is that! And how beautiful!
  • Notice how perfectly and uniquely nature has shaped that tree
  • See the exquisite perfection of that butterfly and its movement
  • Be astonished by how that combination of metals and mechanics you sit in can transport you from a to b so easily
  • Notice how often the flick of a switch gives you power that has come from an unseen source

Let’s not take for granted all the wonders in our world, let’s appreciate and delight in them, and recognise their value. We would be lost and bereft without them, so let’s remember how much they really mean to us.