Tag Archives: behaviour with others

WHAT WILL BE YOUR LEGACY?

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A legacy was originally a message, delivered by a legate. It was an important communication that needed to be delivered by someone trustworthy.

Nowadays we talk of legacies as being what you leave behind for others when you are no longer with them, either because you leave that place of work or die.

If we were to revert to its original meaning, we would be more accurate, because we don’t usually talk about the wealth or possessions someone has left when they die, we talk about what their message, their impact was.

Our legacy will be what people remember about us when we are no longer there. It’s our personality traits, our effect on others that will be recalled.

Think about it for a moment. It is those who have taught you to be kinder and more compassionate to yourself and others who have given you their legacy. It is those who have encouraged you to develop the strengths you have and use them well who have given you their legacy. It is those who have shown you useful ways of making life better who have given you their legacy. It is those who have made the world a better place who have given you their legacy.

Mahatma Ghandi said, ‘My life is my message’. It is true for all of us. So make the best you can of your life, and leave a lasting, ,lovely legacy – it is priceless.

WE CAN DISAGREE WITHOUT BEING DISAGREEABLE

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I simply cannot comprehend the violence and disorder in this country at the moment, calling itself protest. It has made me think about our individual behaviour when having a different point of view.

It is inevitable that we will differ in our opinions – we all have different beliefs and influences. Yet this doesn’t have to be a slanging match or worse – physical violence.

It is important to remember that this is someone’s point of view – not usually the essence of who they are. The unpleasantness comes from generalising and personalising the disagreement – moving from, ‘I don’t agree with you’ to ‘You’re stupid/wrong’.

This shift provokes defensiveness and can easily move to aggression – no-one likes being made wrong. It also means that there is no chance of an honest debate on the subject, or of having any influence on their point of view.

On the other hand, if we accept that we disagree, we may be able to both explain how we came to our point of view, and maybe influence each other in softening our line. Even if we still disagree on this particular topic, we may still be able to work together or be friends – we usually don’t disagree on everything!

Even when the disagreement is about core values – the person is homophobic or racist for example – it doesn’t benefit us in any way to be disagreeable with them.

Being disagreeable or violent is just unpleasant – it leaves everyone concerned with a nasty taste in the mouth. So yes, express your opinions, and disagree with others, but please, don’t be disagreeable.

DO UNTO OTHERS…

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There is a very simple principle to guide us in our behaviour and it appears in some form in every religion in the world: ‘Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.’

If we all followed this tenet, the world would be a very different place. No-one would choose to be ignored, condescended to, dismissed as worthless, shouted at unnecessarily, mocked, abused, left without food or shelter.

I can’t change the world, but I can ensure that I remember this principle in my own behaviour. It isn’t about being a ‘good’ person, it’s about remembering the differing effects on me when I am treated with respect or disdain.

It is much easier to treat someone else well if they do the same to you. And treating someone well often provokes a similar response, even if it weren’t their original intention, so in a selfish sense, I am more likely to have others do unto me what I would choose for myself.

I don’t always get it right – it’s only human to sometimes inflict your own bad mood on others, but I can apologise for it, and make amends.

Does this sound preachy? It probably is! There are many things I dislike about organised religion, but this is so easy to use as a guide to how we live with others.

So take a breath before you dive in and have a go at someone, and just imagine yourself in their shoes. How would you want someone to react if you were them?

THE COMMUNITY OF HUMANKIND

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Once upon a time we lived in small tribes. Others, not of our tribe, were genuinely alien to us, and we would fight with them over land and resources. Why are we still doing the same thing?

We may not, mostly, be fighting wars, but we still tend towards an ‘us and them’ mentality and the war of words is fought constantly: against foreigners; against those who support a different political party; against those who do or say something we don’t agree with.

Yet we now live in a world where we can know about most aspects of the rest of the inhabitants of this world. We know more about different cultures: most of us are from some form of mixed heritage in our past, and we take it for granted that we eat ‘foreign’ food or use ‘foreign’ phrases,

We are also aware that what happens anywhere else in the world can have an impact on our little patch, because it is all interconnected: climate change is a prime example, as is commerce.

We may not agree with other people’s values or opinions, but we certainly won’t change their views or attitudes by being hateful towards them.

Isn’t it time we looked for what we have in common with others, rather than why they’re not ‘one of us’?

We all need food and shelter, a way to earn our living and a chance to have some dignity, to feel valued. We all face the same doubts and have similar hopes.

And no, I don’t claim to love everyone, and I don’t agree with what some others do or say but condemning them or hating them doesn’t make any positive difference.

We are all human beings, doing our best to make it in this world. We live in a global community. Let’s find ways to work together instead of separating into warring tribes – it’s time we grew up in our human beingness.

IT’S YOUR ATTITUDE THAT MAKES THE DIFFERENCE

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We rarely stop and consciously think about our intentions before we act on something. We may think about what we’re about to do, and we’re usually aware of our attitude towards it: I’m looking forward to it; I’m going to do my best; this will be difficult; I wish I didn’t have to. What we do less often is recognise that we can actively change our attitude to make a difference to what happens.

Have you noticed how often our expectations are fulfilled? If I think it is going to be boring, it usually is. If I am looking forward to something, it’s usually fun. We conclude that we were right. What we don’t notice very often is how we affected what happened.

If my attitude is positive, I go into whatever it is with a lightness of spirit which changes my body language, my tone of voice, how I greet people, and they tend to respond in kind. Even if no one else is involved, that positive attitude changes my energy levels, my way of thinking about what I’m doing, and helps me to make a good job of it.

Of course, a negative attitude has the opposite effect on my behaviour. If I’m fearful or reluctant or expecting it to be hard, I have a completely different way of behaving, and others will again tend to respond in kind. It is really easy to provoke negative reactions from others – we can all make that argument happen if we want to! Again, even when no-one else is involved, we drag ourselves into the situation, and we will drop things, make mistakes, run out of energy quickly.

What we are underestimating, in both the positive and negative, is our own power. We play a major part in creating the situation in the way we expect. If we realise this, we can make life easier for ourselves by consciously changing our attitude.

We don’t have to pretend to be jolly about something we’re not particularly keen on – that doesn’t work. What we can do is focus on what will make it easier or less boring. We can look for a more useful expectation for ourselves.

For example: I’ll listen to some favourite music while I do this; I’ll remember that the other person would prefer the meeting to go well; I’ll find someone I like to talk to at this party.

There are enough stumbling blocks in life without us creating even more by expecting the worst. Consciously changing our attitude can make life easier for us. This year, let’s do it more often

THERE’S NO NEED TO PROVE YOURSELF

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Most of us have been conditioned to seek approval from others. As children, we mostly try to do the things that get us that approval from parents because then they will care for us. At that stage in our lives, it is useful, because we cannot care for ourselves fully. We develop the habit of proving that we are worth caring for, worth loving, worth having as a worker, a parent, a friend, a companion.

What we’re not aware of is that in seeking approval, we are telling ourselves that we’re not good enough as we are. It puts us always on the back foot and diminishes our self-esteem. This might be worth it if it gained us the approval we were seeking, but it frequently doesn’t. Most of us like someone else for who they are, not for who they’re trying to be to be liked by us. In fact, their effort often makes us feel uncomfortable.

What we can all do is be the best we can be at any given moment. Sometimes this means that we will happily make an effort to help someone because we want to. Sometimes it means that we will sympathise with their plight. Sometimes it means that we won’t even notice that there’s something we could have done. We’re human, we’re inconsistent, we have stuff of our own going on.

If we feel later that we could have done better, we can always apologise or have another go when we’re ready. If we are pleased with our own reaction, that is enough. We all know if we have done our best – we don’t need someone else to approve it.

All of us love people who have foibles and moods as well as some brilliant characteristics. It’s called being human. You don’t need to prove yourself to anyone – just be who you are.

SMALL ACTS OF KINDNESS

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One of the many reasons why in-person interactions are important is that they give us the opportunity to give and receive small acts of kindness.

A recent study showed that, across different cultures and age groups, there are frequent moments of kindness, where people offer each other help – and we probably don’t notice it: holding the door open for you; making a cup of tea; reaching down something from a top shelf; giving you directions to somewhere; helping you look for something you’ve lost; even just greeting you pleasantly.

The researchers’ conclusion was that these small acts of kindness are a part of our inherent nature – we are built that way. And it makes sense. Each of those moments releases the ‘happy hormones’ in our body, for both the receiver and the giver, and this helps to keep us healthy and build our immune system. We increase this effect when we notice and say thank you. Gratitude is a bonus that we all appreciate.

If you wonder whether this is real, just spend a day noticing how, in your interactions, you lend a hand to someone else, or they help you. Did they rinse the cup for the second cup of coffee while you put the kettle on? Did they clear the table? Did they pick up something you dropped and give it back to you? Did they slow or speed up their pace to match you? It happens all the time.

Aren’t we lucky!!

LIFE IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT

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I have recently witnessed three examples of individuals who have been unpleasant, obstructive, mean, selfish and downright nasty. And part of me dislikes them intensely for the misery and hurt they have inflicted on others.

But part of me feels sorry for them, because they are not exactly thriving themselves. Their behaviour to others may in some way give them a momentary satisfaction but the price they pay for that is high. It usually backfires into health issues, isolation, and an unhappy life for them. I will never understand why anyone would choose to behave so badly, and to suffer the consequences for themselves as well.

No matter what life throws at you, we always have a choice. Those who have suffered in one way or another through the behaviour I’ve described have all chosen to react with dignity and integrity rather than respond in kind or play victim. And they have been able to rebuild their lives, find ways to be happy, and continued to have friends and support. The difference is starkly obvious.

So it’s a good reminder that, no matter what’s going on, we can choose how we behave and react, and that choice leads to outcomes that are to our long-term benefit or detriment.

It’s not only ‘good’ to behave fairly and kindly with others, it’s also to our own advantage – we are able to have a clear mind, a support network of friends, and be more healthy. I prefer to make my life work, for me and for those around me – don’t you?

YOU CAN DISAGREE WITHOUT BEING DISAGREEABLE

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What’s the most annoying thing someone can say to you? For me I think it’s ‘you’re wrong’. It immediately puts my back up.

We seem to live in a world where conflict, nastiness, blame, trolling, have become the norm and I find that sad. We are bound to have different opinions on things, but we often don’t dare to say what we think for fear of being shouted down, literally or metaphorically.

Yet the places where we differ are the most interesting spots. After all, if we all agreed about everything, we would live in a very boring world, and we would have no incentive to develop our ideas.

Disagreeing respectfully allows both sides to clarify their thoughts, and learn how others have reached their own conclusions. It can lead us to adapt our own thoughts or develop them further to enhance our case. And we are far more likely to influence someone else’s ideas if we make an effort to understand why they are saying what they are saying and why they have drawn the conclusions they have.

Even if we agree to disagree, we can still have enhanced our relationship with that person by respecting their view and allowing them their say.

Of course, I have sometimes disagreed disagreeably – there are some things I feel so strongly about that I can’t help but tell someone that I think they’re wrong. But overall, I gain more from respect for others’ viewpoint than I ever have from the momentary satisfaction of making someone wrong.

So if you disagree with me on this, it would be lovely if you could discuss it or debate it with me, rather than being disagreeable!

KINDNESS

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It seems right to remind ourselves at this time of year that there is a lot of kindness in people. The news is full of disaster, woes, hardship, and it is easy to feel that that is all there is.

Yet every day I experience or witness acts of kindness – it is a constant. It may be something apparently small: someone reaching a tin from the top shelves of a supermarket for another who can’t reach there; or it may be a big act of generosity and thoughtfulness, like funding free school meals for a year, so children get at least one hot meal a day.

It doesn’t matter. They all add up to a lot of kindness in the world and it is important to remember this, and put it into the balance against the incompetence, cruelty and difficulties so many face.

So let’s play our part. Whenever we can, let us add our small acts of kindness to the balance. And when others show us kindness, let us fully appreciate it and not take it for granted.

It will help us all to feel better and keep our faith that things can improve. May you have a joyous peaceful Christmas, and may 2023 bring better times, with even more kindness and compassion.