Tag Archives: being happy

WHEN IS ENOUGH ENOUGH?

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Whenever I go into town at the moment, I see people struggling to carry all the things they have bought, presumably for Christmas presents. What is all this stuff? It makes me remember when we went to India during the period of Diwali. There they emphasised that it was about the triumph of light over darkness, so you buy a candle, fireworks, and the presents are primarily sweets. Above all, it is about sharing happiness about the saving of the world from darkness and evil so a simple gift and some light is enough.

We seem to have lost sight of that.

Of course, wanting more isn’t just about buying stuff – although at Christmas that is the particularly obvious symptom. We also have learnt to want more in all sorts of ways: more money, more food, more status, more qualifications, more success. Yet all these things don’t bring us what we really want: more happiness, more love, more feeling of belonging.

So before you buy more food, more presents, more decorations, just take a moment and ask yourself if there is another way you can show those you love that they matter to you, another way to spread more happiness.

We can easily share preparing and eating a simple meal and all take joy from it. We can easily share an evening of laughter, music, conversation. We can easily give someone a kind word, some attention.

It costs nothing much and feeds us with what we really want – love.

LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

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Many years ago, I went to see Billy Connolly for the first time. I laughed so much that my sides hurt – what a treat! We rarely laugh that much. In fact, we often take life so seriously that we hardly laugh at all.

Having new kittens is reminding me of the joy of laughter. I’ve just sat and laughed at them chasing imaginary prey under the mat in the living room, and then galloping stiff-legged across the floor sideways. They don’t get self-conscious or worry about being silly – they just have fun and bring amusement to me in the process.

Laughter is a release of tension in our bodies: it frees up our energy and it helps us to regain perspective. When we laugh, everything feels better and we feel lighter.

Did you see the movie, “Patch Adams’ where Robin Williams played the doctor who used laughter to help his patients to heal? It was based on a true story, and there is plenty of research to show that laughter is genuinely health-giving. And the great thing about laughter is that it doesn’t usually cost anything to get it – you just need to remember what helps you to laugh.

So where are your sources of laughter?

  • Are there comedians who make you laugh? Watch them on utube or tv or dvd.
  • Are there movies/tv programmes that make you laugh? Have your own copy to use when you need to laugh.
  • Do the antics of animals or small children make you laugh? Seek them out.
  • Do you have friends that you always have a laugh with? See them more often.
  • Do you have memories of times when funny things happened? Re-tell those stories.

Laughter should be an everyday part of our lives, not just for high days and holidays. We may all have a different sense of humour, but we have in common the need to laugh fully and often.

Give yourself every opportunity you can to laugh – it’s good for you..

THE SECRET TO LIVING TO A RIPE OLD AGE

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Sometimes you meet someone who inspires you in the most unexpected way. My friend Jean and I go to the silver screen cinema showings on Wednesdays and always have a cup of coffee in the nearby coffee shop beforehand. A woman who also goes to those screenings has begun to stop and have a chat when she sees us sat outside in the sunshine.

She surprised us the first time she stopped – in Britain we don’t usually engage with strangers! And she just said, ‘You two look happy!’ We laughed and said there were plenty of reasons to be happy that morning: sunshine and warmth, good coffee and company, and a movie to look forward to. She agreed and added some of her own: being healthy, enjoying life, being lucky enough to be able to do something fun on a Wednesday morning.

Over the weeks, we have gradually built that conversation, and each time she reminds me that it is the simple things in life that make the most difference.

How you choose to view the world

The big picture of how you view the world sets the context. Believing that this world of ours is there to delight us, not horrify us, that it is full of lovely things designed to please and support us – this provides the framework for everything else.

It is a big golden assumption: that life on earth is intended to be a good experience.

Noticing the good things

We often pay most attention to the things that upset or offend us. Instead we can actively notice the good things: it is a bit of a grey day, but it is warm enough not to have to wear a coat; I was feeling a little bit fed up, but then a friend phoned me and we ended up laughing.

This links to the idea behind a gratitude journal: to just write down 5-10 things that you can be thankful for today.

Looking for reasons to be happy

This is about actively adding in small things that make you happy, to consciously change your mood: buying yourself a good cup of coffee; calling a friend for a chat; wearing a favourite piece of clothing or jewellery.

Appreciating the simple things in life

This links to the previous point. We don’t need to spend lots of money or have lots of stuff to be happy – the best things in life are free! If we care to look around we can easily find things that make us feel good: a nice dinner we have cooked; flowers looking and smelling beautiful; birds singing for us; a favourite perfume or cologne; the feel of a lovely fresh warm bed.

Expecting people to be friendly

As our new friend has said: ‘I’m 85 years old, and in my life, I have found that most people are friendly.’ Most people respond to how we expect them to be, and life is much more pleasant if we expect them to be friendly and helpful. This means that we make lots of connections with people, which is good for our health, because friendly contact with others automatically raises our oxytocin level – one of our natural health-giving chemicals.

Saying ‘Oh well – never mind’

All this sounds very ‘rose-tinted spectacles’, only noticing the good bits. And we all know that sometimes things feel shitty! It’s about keeping it in perspective. We often let the shitty bits take over our perspective and taint our point of view.

Instead, life will go better if we acknowledge them, then let them go: ‘ I fell over this morning and bruised myself badly. Oh well, never mind.’ ‘Someone upset me with what they said yesterday. Oh well, never mind – it’s a new day today.’

Recalling good memories

When things don’t feel so good, we always have available to us a treasure trove of stored good memories. When we recall them or recount them to someone else, they help us to re-live those good times and perk us up. Old photos will prompt them, or old treasured objects, or particular music.

So the secret is…

Above all, find reasons to be happy and make your life enjoyable. This is not la-la-land; it is how we keep the health-giving chemicals running through our bodies. Research has shown that those who make connection with others, those who appreciate nature, those who have a positive outlook, stay healthier, live longer, and enjoy their lives.

None of this is difficult to achieve. The things that make the difference are available to all of us, regardless of our circumstances. The only thing that stops us is our way of thinking about things.

So what are your 10 reasons to be happy today?

 

HAVE YOU GOT A SACRED SPACE?

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We all know what someone means when they describe somewhere as a hellhole, yet I don’t think we are as clear about what it means to have a sacred space. We get it muddled with religious things instead of recognising sacred spaces as essential to our well-being.

Sacred means holy or blessed. It has come to be associated with churches and temples, yet there are so many more sacred spaces than that – and not all those spaces designated as sacred have the real feeling of a truly sacred space.

For me, a sacred space has the immediate effect of calming and quieting me. It has an atmosphere imbued with peace and comfort, where we can settle and re-centre ourselves. It is by this effect that I would say we recognise the sacred spaces.

They may be old churches or cathedrals, they may be Buddhist or Hindu temples, they may be a synagogue or a mosque – any such buildings that seem to have the air and stones filled with peace and goodwill.

On the other hand, a sacred space could be out in nature – maybe a site of ancient worship, or maybe just a place blessed by being allowed to maintain its natural state of grace, calm and perspective. There are meadows, woodlands, hilltops, valleys, riverbanks, beaches, that just elicit an ‘Aaah!’ from us when we reach that space and sit in it for a moment.

These sacred spaces are important for our well-being. When life is busy, hectic, turbulent, we all benefit from a little while in a place that exudes calm.

So recognise and take advantage of the ones that work for you, and seek them out, to soothe your soul.

And consider the possibility of creating a sacred space of your own. I created a labyrinth in one of my gardens – you don’t need to go that far!! Just dedicate a small part of your garden, or of an indoors room, as a sacred space for you. Put beautiful, peace-provoking things in it to look at or feel, and make it easy to sit there for a while. Give it your own blessing, in your own way.

We all deserve moments of peace and calm in our lives, and sacred spaces give us that for free, so use them and add your moment of peace to the sacred atmosphere there.

HAVE YOU NOTICED THE FREE GIFTS COMING YOUR WAY TODAY?

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When I visit Maui, it is impossible to ignore the free gifts we all get offered every day, because they are there in front of me – and maybe that is because I am not being busy with my life, and therefore take the time to notice them. I’m talking about the weather that enables our plants to grow. I’m talking about the fruit and vegetables we have to eat as a result of that weather – OK, I know that in the UK we have to pay for them unless we grow our own!

Then there are trees and flowers with their individuality, beauty and changing nature, there are hills and mountains, beach and sea – landscapes of all types to delight the eyes. And what about the birds that sing, the butterflies that dance around the flowers, the bees gathering nectar – so many beautiful things that we can appreciate at no cost.

Just spending a little while noticing what the world offers us to enjoy for free is a great way of feeding our soul, and there is always something available. I watched a lovely little video where people in a not very pleasant neighbourhood were given an empty picture frame and asked to find something beautiful to frame with it. By looking around and up instead of just walking through, they all found something to frame. (This group does lots of great things like this. If you want to take a look, here’s the link to their site: https://www.youtube.com/user/soulpancake ).

Noticing these free gifts gives us a little space in our hectic lives, a chance to regain some perspective. When you watch the birds, the plants, the stars, they exemplify the natural way of being in the world. They don’t rush, they don’t struggle against how things are, they don’t worry about what might happen next! They remind us that we are natural living beings too, even if we are not conscious of it.

There is also something calming about the rhythm of nature: rain on the window, wind in the trees, birds flying – it all has a soothing effect on us and quiets down our bodies and minds.

So give yourself five minutes every day just to notice and appreciate the gifts of the world around us, and allow yourself a little break from the pressures of everyday life.

 

‘What is this life if, full of care,

We have no time to stand and stare.

No time to stand beneath the boughs

And stare as long as sheep or cows.

No time to see, when woods we pass,

Where squirrels hide their nuts in grass.

No time to see, in broad daylight,

Streams full of stars, like skies at night.

No time to turn at Beauty’s glance,

And watch her feet, how they can dance.

No time to wait till her mouth can

Enrich that smile her eyes began.

A poor life this if, full of care,

We have no time to stand and stare.’

By William Henry Davies

HUGS

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Anyone who knows me will know that I’m a ‘touchy-feely’ person, as one of my colleagues described me. I tend to make physical contact with people when I’m with them, and I love hugs! They are a simple and direct way of expressing love – no messy awkward words, just a warm embrace.

Do you give and get hugs enough? Several years ago, we did an event for Comic Relief where we gave out almost free hugs in the city centre; a donation of any kind got you a big heartfelt hug. It was both heart-warming and heart-breaking. There were people who said they hadn’t been hugged for over a year; there were teenagers who came back for second and third go’s; there were parents who sent their children forward for a hug. We hugged so many people that our arms ached at the end of it! It felt as if we were offering a public service that was desperately needed, and appreciated. Yet we are all capable of giving a hug to someone.

The benefits of hugs are enormous, to the giver and the receiver: both automatically release oxytocin into their bloodstreams with a heartfelt hug. This affects us emotionally – we feel happier – and also physically: it helps us to stay healthy. And hugs are a form of communication that goes past the ‘edges’ that can develop between us and goes to the core of just showing affection.

Now not everyone is a hugger – some people shrink away from that full embrace. The colleague I mentioned earlier, who said I was touchy-feely was just embarrassed if I went to hug him. So we developed a different form. He would lightly punch my arm and I would hold his fist there for a second or two with my hand. Sounds daft doesn’t it! But even that much physical contact makes a difference to how we feel, more than words ever can.

So put an arm round a shoulder, touch an arm, hold a hand for a moment, or go for that big hug, and share a moment of that health-giving connection – it’s good for all of us!

WHAT IS YOUR FUNDAMENTAL METAPHOR?

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We all use metaphor in our everyday language. You think we don’t? Do you ever battle or fight against anything? Do you slip or slide into a bad mood? Do some things just flow for you? Do ideas blossom or grow? Our everyday phrases are full of metaphor, and we don’t realise it consciously.

Once we become aware of it, we can choose to use this tendency well, to help us. You see, metaphor is a powerful way of encapsulating how we experience something and has a major effect on our mood and attitude. It influences how we filter our experience, what we notice.

I was watching a programme where someone was arguing that ‘glass half empty’ and ‘glass half full’ were the same thing and it made me cross! That may be logical, but this variation of metaphor is not logical, it’s based on emotion and attitude. A ‘glass half empty’ person notices what’s wrong, and is discontent, unhappy with their lot, whereas the ‘glass half full’ person notices what’s good, what’s right, and is more optimistic and cheerful. Which would you rather be?

Metaphors relate to our beliefs about what it is like to be in the world and drive our way of reacting to events in our life. If we have absorbed the belief that life is a struggle, we will tend to use ‘battleground’ metaphor: ‘my idea was shot down by the boss’, ‘I had to fight to get my point across, ‘I won out in the end’. This set of metaphors is very prevalent in western industrial culture.

On the other hand, we may have absorbed the belief that there is a natural order to things, so we have growth, dormancy, ebb and flow, highs and lows.

Now neither of these is right or wrong, true or false. The question is, which is more useful as a guiding principle for living your life well? And we can choose.

Although fundamental beliefs about how the world works tend to be absorbed unconsciously when we are young, we can change them if we become conscious of them.

  1. We can begin to notice the less useful metaphors we apply to ourselves and our lives and consciously adapt them
  2. We can begin to notice the more useful metaphors we come up with and consciously reinforce them
  3. We can choose to have a fundamental belief that the world is supportive of us and works with us as it does in nature, and look consciously for evidence to support that belief

So next time you are battling your way through your day, just ask yourself how else you would handle that day if the world were supportive of you.

And enjoy the days where you know that you are in the flow if it!!

COMFORT

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I was preparing a programme the other day, and was looking at things that comfort us as part of it. It suddenly struck me that the original meaning of the word comfort is: things that give us strength, that bring us back to our own power. This puts quite a different slant on what makes us feel comfortable.

For example, we often talk about comfort eating, and it has a derogatory feel to it, yet if you think about it as food that gives us strength, we are more likely to choose to eat a hearty home-made soup or casserole than a packet of biscuits. Similarly, comfortable clothes shift from old clothes we slop abut in to the clothing that makes us feel ready to deal with our day in an empowered way.

Notice that this doesn’t mean that we have to ‘dress up’ or not eat those chocolates: it isn’t another set of rules about what we should do. It just means we ask ourselves what would make me feel more ‘myself’, more at my best. I used to have a neighbour who would shower and put on make-up before she did anything else, every single morning and I never understood it. She would say that she wasn’t comfortable dealing with anyone or anything until she had done that – and she had two small boys, so I thought it was incredible to do all that for yourself before sorting out the kids – what vanity! Now I understand – she was just giving herself a chance to be in her power. My comfort in the morning is my 15 minutes of quiet time, 2 cups of coffee – same effect, different method – and I took years longer than her to realise how important it is!

This definition of comfort has got me thinking about lots of other things in a different way: ‘feel-good’ movies, which comfort me by reminding me of the best of human qualities; music that lifts the spirit; jewellery that represents me being fully me; objects that remind me of times when I was on form.

So what comforts – things that strengthen you – do you have available to you, to use more often? What helps you to feel more you, more in your own power? Look at what you choose to eat, what you choose to wear, because they are affecting you in your day. And when you need that extra something, when you are feeling a bit off, how can you add to your own comfort? What reminds you of the real you that you could use to help yourself?

There are so many ways we can help ourselves to be more comfortable, to be ourselves. So give yourself some lovely comfortable days!

BEING GRATEFUL

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Every so often, I am reminded about being grateful. As a child, I had it hammered into me: thank you letters for presents, thank you’s for anything given to me or done for me, because it was the polite thing to do. It took years for me to recognise gratitude for what it really is: not politeness, but appreciation for the gifts offered to us on a daily basis.

The word grateful links back to two Latin words: gratia, which means a service, a favour given to someone; and gratis which means free, at no cost. Being grateful therefore means originally being full of gifts given to you for free – isn’t that lovely!

It enriches our awareness of all those things that we take for granted in our everyday lives that are simply there for us, should we choose to appreciate them: the natural world; our ability to breathe, think, move, feel; our homes; our food; our friendships and loved ones; beauty in art; wonderful and inspiring words and stories in books, theatre, film; music to make our hearts sing. When I stop to think about the gifts I am given, it is a never-ending list!

And as you consider your own list of things to be grateful for, just notice how it makes you feel. This is not something you ought to be grateful for because it’s a ‘good’ thing to do: it fills us with warmth, a glow; it opens our hearts; it gives us a different perspective on our lives. My gratitude attitude feeds me and enriches my life!

Sometimes there is no-one there to thank, to show your appreciation to – that doesn’t stop me! I enjoy thanking the soil and the weather for nurturing my plants, the birds for singing to me, Bob Dylan for writing such amazing songs! I like to imagine that my thank you’s don’t disappear into thin air, but create a small ray of warmth that feeds into the world and helps to make it a better place.

And if there is someone there to say thank you to, in whatever way – the words, a hug, applause – then that is the least I can do to show my appreciation of their gift to me: driving me to town, delivering my post, saying something lovely, singing or acting beautifully for me.

So just stop for a moment today and look at the different gifts that are given to you – and say thank you!

And thank you for reading my blogs – it delights me to think that someone out there takes some time to read what I have written ad appreciates my words!! Thank you!!

SPENDING TIME

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Have you noticed that we describe time in the same way as we do money: spending, wasting, saving, not enough, running out of. It makes sense because our time is a similar resource: we have a clear ‘budget’ of 24 hours in a day, and once it’s gone, we can’t sneak in an extra couple of hours from another day!

So what do we spend our time on? Do you stop and think about it? Every day, we have the chance to start afresh, with a new budget of hours, and use our time well. To me, this means that we need to consider what we want to feel like at the end of the day, and then decide what will make it likely that we will feel that way.

Of course, we usually have some things that are ‘fixed costs’ in our daily budget of time- sleeping, meals, work – yet we all have some ‘spare’ time that we can make choices about. Do I watch random TV at the end of the day, because I’m tired, or do I watch something that inspires me or makes me laugh? Do I do the housework, or do I spend my time with friends or family?

If we stop to think in terms of how it will make us feel, rather than automatically ploughing through the habitual list of things to get done in the day, we can change the nature of our days. And it is obvious that we haven’t thought this through properly, because we now have so many ‘time-savers’ like internet shopping, washing machines and driers, our own cars rather than public transport etc. etc. When this advance was talked about before it happened, the prediction was that we would all be able to work fewer hours, and have much more leisure time to do what we wanted. Yet we all seem to be busier than ever! My mum had more to do physically than I do – food shopping for her was three times a week by bus – yet she had more time to talk with neighbours, to play a board game with us kids…

If we are saving time, what are we saving it for? What are we spending this spare time on? I don’t know about you, but I know I would prefer to spend it on things that make me feel good at the end of the day.

So let’s start with the fundamentals: what use of my time makes me feel good at the end of the day? You need to consciously think about this and create your own repertoire, so that you have a clear idea of what is good use of your time for you, and can spend any time you save wisely.

It will probably be a mixture of categories, which you adjust according to the demands of that particular day, and your mood in the morning, to give you a balance in the day. For example, if I have been working all day, I may want to spend some of my spare time doing something physical instead of mental, or I may want to do something relaxing and quiet.

Possible categories of daily activities for your repertoire

I have developed a set of categories that help me to find a balance in my days, so they may be a useful starter for 10 for you.

  1. I like to feel I’ve achieved something in the day: done some work, done some writing, answered some emails, sorted or cleared something (Careful! This list can take over!) So I choose 1 or 2 priorities in a day.
  2. I like to have spent some of my time doing something physical: pilates, a walk, some gardening. It feels good to use my body and nowadays that isn’t built into our normal days like it was for my mum.
  3. I like to have spent some of my time in contact with others: time with friends or family, phone calls, chatting to the sales assistant – something which is proper human interaction (facebook doesn’t count!)
  4. I like to have some stimulation in my day, something to get my creative mind going: writing, a documentary or article on something that interests me, a good conversation.
  5. I feel good if I can just be for a little while, time to keep it all in perspective, to assess where I’m up to.
  6. And I feel good if I have allowed myself some time to just relax and do something I enjoy: a good movie, reading a good book, pursuing a hobby.

This sounds like being busy all day when I spell it out like this, doesn’t it! And of course in some sense it is – after all we do all use our time each day in some way or another. The difference is that by thinking about the different ways in which I can use my time, I am more likely to keep a balance and not waste my time on things that don’t enrich my day.

Notice that some of the things we have been taught to think of as a waste of time are really valuable. Waste of time seems to have become linked to not having a result or product that is tangible, instead of what is truly a waste of our time – engaging in activities that don’t add anything to our feeling of well-being. Which is better for our soul, clearing our in-box or taking 15 minutes to stroll in the fresh air on a pleasant autumn day?

The criterion for whether something is a waste of time is not the activity itself, it’s how you feel at the end of it.

And remember that often the things that make all the difference to how we feel at the end of the day don’t actually use that much time. Just 15 minutes of sitting back and just drifting can make us feel so much better when we resume what we were doing. And some categories can be catered for in one activity: I can be with friends and have stimulating conversation, and relax – what good use of my time resource!!

So, how are you spending your time today? You can’t save it for tomorrow: the budget disappears at the end of each day. And each morning you have a new budget, so there is always another chance to choose to spend your time in a way that makes you feel good, and sends you to bed saying: ‘That was a good day!’