Tag Archives: improving life

LETTING GO

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My friend Rebecca sent me a copy of a poem by Safire Rose called ‘She Let Go’.

https://safire-rose.com/books-and-media/poetry/she-let-go . As I read it through I could feel the relief, the lightness of being that just letting go creates.

It is not easy to stop worrying something through. We go backwards and forwards in our minds, we may talk about it with others, we allow whatever it is to affect our behaviour, our mind. Yet at the same time, this poem reminded me that we can just let it go: say ‘Oh well,’ and let go.

It is easier to do with something in the past. After all, there’s nothing we can do about it now, so revisiting it in our mind changes nothing except our own mood and behaviour.

Letting go of something that’s in our present reality, or that we are predicting in our future is harder. Yet if we think about it with a form of logic, it becomes easier,

If it’s in our present reality, then it’s here, so the best thing to do is accept it, and decide what we can do about it, or at least how we can alleviate the situation. Wishing it away just doesn’t work!

If it’s future and certain, we can plan what we will do to handle it. If it’s not certain, we need to recognise that we don’t know if it will turn into reality, and that worrying about it now may be an unnecessary weight.

It rarely helps us to sort something out when we worry at it like a dog with a bone, and we all have evidence of that truth!

From now on, I’m going to see if I can emulate the ‘she’ in the poem: ‘She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go… It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad.. In the space of letting go, she let it all be’.

WHOSE APPROVAL DO YOU SEEK?

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I saw an interview with Whoopi Goldberg, where she was asked this question. She replied without hesitation, ‘Only my own.’ It made me think about how much approval from others can shape how we behave.

It starts when we are little. We seek approval from our parents because that is a good way of making sure they look after us when we need that care. If they approve of our behaviour we are praised for being a good boy or girl, rather than scolded. And that can be a massive hangover in our adult life, where we mirror that behaviour without even being aware of it. Even now, on the day my cleaners have been, I often say, ‘ Look Mummy – my house is clean and tidy like yours always was.’ (The rest of the time of course it’s pretty chaotic – I didn’t exactly adopt the habit!)

Then there are teachers who give us better reports if we behave well. And peer groups who let us be part of the gang if we follow their norms – and these two influences can be quite contradictory!

As we begin to grow up, we do tend to establish our own norms and values, but we often still seek approval, from partners, friends, family, and those we admire.

It is hard to separate out what our true own values are, and which we just try to match for the sake of approval from others.

I do believe I could answer the question as Whoopi Goldberg did, although I had to think it through first! I enjoy and appreciate it when I do get approval from others I love and admire, but it doesn’t drive my behaviour – it’s an added bonus rather than something I aim for.

What about you? Whose approval do you seek?

FREEDOM OF CHOICE

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I watched a documentary on Bruce Springsteen a few days ago, and he said something that really made me think. He was talking about his life and he said that when he was first rich and famous, he had unlimited choices, but it didn’t bring happiness or contentment.

Then as he grew older, and perhaps wiser, he realised that unlimited choice isn’t freedom. Freedom of choice is being clear about your values and being able to choose in line with them.

It was the reminder that being able to buy anything, go anywhere, do anything you fancy, is not the answer to our innate deist=re to feel good about life. Acting in accord with our values feels so much better.

And that requires that we are clear about what really matters to us. We have to sort out what those values are, and do everything we can to live by them. (One of the effects of the lockdowns during the pandemic was to make us realise how much we need connection with others for example).

This isn’t an easy thing to do: we are influenced by upbringing, education, culture, the media, those close to us; and those influences can obfuscate our own values. We need to sit down and explore what really matters to us.

One way we can do that is to begin to notice the difference between the temporary pleasures that quickly wear off, such as the latest i-phone, getting one over on someone else, and expensive meal in a posh restaurant. Then there are the things that continue to make us feel good: being a good friend to someone, that sweater that is old but you love it, being kind rather than right.

We all make choices sometimes that don’t feed our soul, but let’s see how much more often we can make the choices that build our own freedom.

THINKING IS OVER-RATED

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I listened to a talk by a man called Rupert Shira a little while ago – a recommendation from a friend. He was talking about the difference between focussed seeing and what he calls seeing awareness, and it really struck home.

In this talk, he also described thinking as a form of focussed seeing, where we are pulled this way and that by our thoughts. Most of the time, we are following our thoughts about something and getting distracted from the essence of our experience by the thoughts.

As he said: ‘No-one says to themselves, I wish I could think more”’. We wish we could be happier, more at peace – the opposite of what our thinking does for us most of the time.

Of course, there are moments when a thought comes to us that is inspired – how to sort something, how to begin to tackle something, what something is really about. We call these thoughts inspired, or an epiphany, because they come out of the blue and resolve something for us, or make us feel as if we are moving forward.

And if you notice, they are not the result of a serious thinking through – they come when we’re relaxed, feeling calm, just being. Our serious thinking through may sometimes lead to a logical conclusion, but it doesn’t encompass the holistic needs we have for a really good resolution for us at the time.

I want a happy and fulfilling life, and thinking is definitely over-rated in terms of helping to achieve that. So let’s think less, not more, and let’s find the quiet places in us that allow inspiration to come to us.

THE JOYS OF BEING ALONE

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It is a vital part of our lives to be in relationship with others – we need that connection with friends and family, and even strangers. And at the same time, we all need some time on our own, when we can just relate to ourselves and our own needs and feelings.

I love having people drop by to spend time with me, and I also really enjoy having days to myself, where I don’t need to consider anyone else’s needs and can just be however I am. Often, people fill that time on their own, so as not to feel lonely: going shopping, doing household chores, making phone calls, and generally keeping busy. I recognise this – I used to do the same.

But now I find that being alone is different from being lonely, and I think it is important to take advantage of ‘me time’ and celebrate the joys of being alone. It’s an opportunity to gather yourself, listen to yourself, and follow how you feel instead of how you ought to be.

You can eat and drink what you want, when you want. You can stop halfway through doing something and decide that’s enough for today. You can choose to make it a good day, whatever that means to you at the time, without having to explain or justify to anyone else. You can do little or a lot, depending on your mood, not the circumstances.

And you can relax for a little while into being however you are, giving yourself permission to move away from the drives of convention and habit.

So make sure you get some time every week where you’re on your own, and make it ‘me time’, not ‘catch-up time’. It’s good for your soul.

USING YOUR CHOICE

Ways of Remembering

Last week we had local elections, and the turn-out was low – many people just didn’t bother. I find it disappointing that people don’t vote when they can – it’s one of our chances to choose who represents our interests in a democracy. And it may be a flawed system, but it is a lot better than having no choice at all.

It made me think about how we choose in our lives: whether we make passive or active choices.

A passive choice is when we ‘let it happen’. This can be at any level, from not voting, to ignoring the deterioration in a close relationship, to just taking the substitution in our on-line grocery shop!

It’s not that it is wrong, per se, but it is a loss of control over our lives and how they work, and it leaves us a victim of circumstance.

On the other hand, we can make active choices. This means that we decide what will work best for us, and act accordingly. We say a clear yes or no, based on our values and preferences.

In this case, we are consciously making the best choice for ourselves that we can in the circumstances, and we accept the outcomes because we know we did what was within our control. There are, of course, things we can’t control, but we do always have a choice about how we react to them.

I don’t claim to always get it right, but the more often I make active choices, the more it becomes a habit. Even if it is just saying no to that substitution in your groceries, it’s another small step in running your own life, and not being a victim.

IT’S ALL WRONG – WHAT CAN I DO?

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Everywhere we look at the moment, things are going wrong: the war in Ukraine; climate change; the continuing spread of Covid; the problems with the NHS and many other institutions; the supply chains; the mess called our government; the rising cost of living – not to mention all those other things we all have to deal with in our everyday lives, whether it be illness in our families or failing to get hold of someone on the phone, etc, etc.

Distress, upset, delays, frustrations, doom-laden predictions – they seem to have become part of everyone’s life. It can leave us feeling powerless and miserable. And that doesn’t help.

So what can I do?

Well, it’s the actions of people that change the world, for better or worse, so I have decided to do something each day that makes a small positive difference, hoping that they all add up to something that helps.

At the macro-level, I can write to my MP, I can donate to a charity that is helping those who are suffering most. I can make my voice heard in protest against wrong – as Amnesty International say: one extra may be what tips the balance.

At the micro-level, I can continue to wear a mask in crowded places, I can ensure that I recycle as much as possible, use less plastic, waste less food. I can live my life as ethically, ecologically and caringly as I can.

At an interpersonal level, I can listen to and sympathise with other people’s issues and frustrations, without judgement or interruption, allowing them to express their frustrations so they don’t just go round and round in their heads.

At a personal level, I can tackle one of those frustrations at a time: keep making that phone call until I get a result or whatever it is. And I can take care of my own physical and mental health, and use things that bring me joy to lift my mood. I’m not doing all of this all of the time – that’s too much and would just send me into despair again! But if each day I do something, then at least I’m doing my bit to right all this wrong. And if we all did…

A GLIMMER OF HOPE

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I’m finding it hard to be positive or optimistic at the moment – there’s so much wrong in the world.

So I’m actively looking for the glimmers of hope, to lift my mood. And when you look for those glimmers, you find them.

In the current awful situation in Ukraine, amidst the destruction and heartbreak, there are the amazing acts of kindness, generosity, and care: ordinary people responding from the heart to other ordinary people in distress.

And the level of worldwide condemnation of Putin for his behaviour is enormous, whilst remembering that it is not the Russian people who are behind all this. It is good to see that we haven’t turned them all into the ‘red under the bed’ of the past.

This is also making many governments look more seriously at the potential for developing their own renewable energy sources, to make it possible to be self-sufficient – that will help with climate change more than any agreement or promise will.

At the same time, Volodymyr Zelensky is setting an example of true leadership. He hasn’t run away – anything but – and he is proactive in asking for help and encouraging his people. (Wish we had someone like him!)

And at a simpler level, I see all the spring flowers in my garden, and the new shoots and buds on the perennials, and I am reminded that nature goes on doing its cycle, no matter what we are doing, and that it is natural for things to restart, to flourish again.

Good things are going on, big questions are being asked – our job is to support both these things, help keep them going when this particular crisis is resolved. A crisis means a crossroads, a choice point, so let’s grow the glimmers of hope, and believe that the world can be a better place. We can take the right road at this crossroads.

THE POWER OF ‘KINDNECTION’

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Okay, I’ve stolen this word from David Hamilton. He made it up to express the importance of connections of kindness. I love it because it covers so much.

And right now, we are witnessing many acts of kindness on the news, in the midst of the horror of the war in Ukraine. People are doing everything they can and more to help those who are suffering because of the war.

The connections of kindness are both the connections made between humans through kindness, and the connection of kindness to other parts of us. Every kind act, gesture, or even expression has a health benefit for both the giver and the receiver. Kindness calms stress, boosts our immune system, ups our mood, and generally makes us feel better.

And it doesn’t have to be a grand gesture. It can just be being friendly, smiling, listening to someone’s woes. We don’t have to do a lot, and we benefit from doing it – seems obvious, doesn’t it!

I often think that people who are being mean-spirited, unpleasant, unfriendly, must be very unhappy, unhealthy people. After all, if kindness benefits our physical and mental health, surely unkindness does the opposite!

Wouldn’t it be great if the research on this topic were built into our health system and published in the media in different forms, so people took it seriously and actually practised being kind more often!

In the meantime, let’s all remember that small acts of kindness make a big difference to all of us, and keep doing them, even with those mean-spirited people. Maybe they’ll get infected with it.

WILL WE EVER LEARN?

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Like most people, I am horrified by what is happening in Ukraine. There is so much historical evidence that wars do not solve problems or end well, yet politics continues to cause wars. And the result is human suffering.

It makes me despair sometimes that we just don’t seem to learn from past mistakes. So what can we do?

Well, we can protest against war, we can do what we can to help those who are the hapless victims of the war, but then what?

We can notice the kindness of people in an emergency: people driving miles to pick up refugees and take them to a safe place, people providing shelter and provisions for those refugees.

We can notice that the president of Ukraine – not a career politician – has not run away and hidden, saved himself. He has stood up for his people, and called out the wrongness of the situation on all sides. So maybe we can have leaders who actually care about something other than their own egos.

And we can notice that large numbers of Russians are prepared to risk imprisonment in order to protest about what their ‘leader’ is doing. They are not the enemy.

It also seems to me that one thing we can do is to make sure we don’t replicate the mistakes of our ‘leaders’ – that we consciously make an effort to learn from our own mistakes, our own miscalculations, our own lack of understanding of other people’s view of the world.

When we know we’ve got it wrong – and we all do know – let’s stop and look at what happened. This is not an exercise in beating yourself up. It is to consider what else we could have done, how we might have approached the situation differently, in order to create a better, more positive outcome. By thinking this through, we make it more likely that, next time we come across a similar situation, we put into practice our revised version of action and show to ourselves that we have learnt from our own history.

It is sad that events like this can happen in our world – pray God, this time there may be some learning from it!