Tag Archives: improving life

BEING GRATEFUL

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Every so often, I am reminded about being grateful. As a child, I had it hammered into me: thank you letters for presents, thank you’s for anything given to me or done for me, because it was the polite thing to do. It took years for me to recognise gratitude for what it really is: not politeness, but appreciation for the gifts offered to us on a daily basis.

The word grateful links back to two Latin words: gratia, which means a service, a favour given to someone; and gratis which means free, at no cost. Being grateful therefore means originally being full of gifts given to you for free – isn’t that lovely!

It enriches our awareness of all those things that we take for granted in our everyday lives that are simply there for us, should we choose to appreciate them: the natural world; our ability to breathe, think, move, feel; our homes; our food; our friendships and loved ones; beauty in art; wonderful and inspiring words and stories in books, theatre, film; music to make our hearts sing. When I stop to think about the gifts I am given, it is a never-ending list!

And as you consider your own list of things to be grateful for, just notice how it makes you feel. This is not something you ought to be grateful for because it’s a ‘good’ thing to do: it fills us with warmth, a glow; it opens our hearts; it gives us a different perspective on our lives. My gratitude attitude feeds me and enriches my life!

Sometimes there is no-one there to thank, to show your appreciation to – that doesn’t stop me! I enjoy thanking the soil and the weather for nurturing my plants, the birds for singing to me, Bob Dylan for writing such amazing songs! I like to imagine that my thank you’s don’t disappear into thin air, but create a small ray of warmth that feeds into the world and helps to make it a better place.

And if there is someone there to say thank you to, in whatever way – the words, a hug, applause – then that is the least I can do to show my appreciation of their gift to me: driving me to town, delivering my post, saying something lovely, singing or acting beautifully for me.

So just stop for a moment today and look at the different gifts that are given to you – and say thank you!

And thank you for reading my blogs – it delights me to think that someone out there takes some time to read what I have written ad appreciates my words!! Thank you!!

ALL THAT I LEAVE BEHIND…

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ALL THAT I LEAVE BEHIND…

It’s a new year! I love the fact that every year, we get the chance to start over. It’s never starting from scratch: we have experience, learning, to bring with us. Yet it also gives us an opportunity to leave some things behind us: thoughts, behaviours, feelings, that we no longer want to take with us.

We can stop for a moment and review the previous year, and what we have accumulated in our metaphorical backpack over that year. This is the stuff we carry around with us all the time and it can get weighty rather than useful! As in a literal cleaning out of a bag full of stuff we’ve accumulated, we discover that we’ve held on to some things we no longer want to carry around: another pile of out-of-date receipts; some old used tissues; a few dubious-looking sweets! In our ‘backpack’ these may be a pile of anxieties ad doubts that haven’t materialised into fact, some habits that no longer serve us well, some things we thought we liked but no longer enjoy.

These we can list, note, throw away. I mean that literally: write them down, and throw away the paper or burn it. Remember, rituals are very powerful for conveying to our minds what we want to say to ourselves.

There will also be some treasures in that backpack: some old, long-held-onto ones, some new ones collected last year. These might be memories, experiences we love still, habits and routines we love and enjoy. What are yours? What are the lovely things you have in there to carry with you, both from previous life experience and from last year? We often don’t truly recognise them until we stop and look in the backpack properly: that wonderful concert, that first walk in warm sand with bare feet, that moment with a child or friend that still makes you smile. Again, write them down, savour them, and save this list somewhere safe – and put them back in your backpack they will be useful in the year ahead.

Since we have taken some stuff out of our backpacks, we have some empty space in there. Now we all know that an empty space is always filled up again! This year, let’s be a bit more deliberate about how we fill it, and accumulate less of the old tissues and receipts! Stop and think about what you would like to put in your backpack this year: some more good experiences, a bigger collection of the useful habits and behaviours; an increase in joyous moments. And again, write down for yourself a list of the types of things you want to accumulate this year to fill your backpack with things that are even more helpful in enabling you to live your life easily and joyously. Keep this list safe, with your previous treasures list, and imagine yourself putting your wish list in your backpack front pocket – your ‘shopping list’ for the year.

It doesn’t take long to do this review and it’s fun to discover what’s in the bag, what you can throw away, and what you’d like in there. It’s a great way to start your year! Happy 2016 everyone!

WHAT IS IT ALL ABOUT?

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Have you done it all? The presents, the cards, the food – all the paraphernalia of Christmas… It is easy to forget what it’s really supposed to be about: ‘ peace on earth, goodwill to all mankind.’ Whether you are a Christian or not, these are surely good sentiments to bring to the fore at this time. And if we want them to be a truth in our world, we have to look at how we can create peace and goodwill in our own world.

It starts with ourselves: do you feel goodwill towards yourself? Be kind to yourself during this time, allow yourself to relax and indulge in pleasurable activities. When you are treating yourself with kindness and respect, you are far more likely to treat others in the same way.

And add a little more kindness, just to celebrate the season. Begin with those you know and love: stop and play with the children for a little while; phone a friend and tell them how much they mean to you; invite a neighbour for coffee.

Then spread your goodwill a little further, to strangers you come in contact with: give a homeless person some money when you’re in town; thank someone properly for the way they serve you or deliver something to you; give some attention to someone you are usually too busy to speak to.

And are you feeling peaceful? Let your mind relax and give yourself a break from all the busyness. Just for a day or two, don’t worry about what else you should have done. Write it down on a list somewhere and leave it for when you are ready to pick up the reins again.

And as you create a little peace for yourself, being quiet and at ease, imagine your moment of peace as rays of warmth and calm, gently spreading out over those around you, at home, in the supermarket, in the street. Just stop for a moment and imagine you are enveloping others in that peace blanket.

And maybe in a quiet moment in the morning, or before you go to sleep, you can transmit your peace towards all those who are suffering disruption, war, misery, anger, and imagine them receiving just a moment of calm, of hope.

Let’s remember what this season is really about this Christmas, and celebrate our ability as human beings to find joy, love, peace and kindness in the midst of chaos.

Have a wonderful Christmas!

ARE YOU CAUGHT UP IN THE STORY?

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Do you ever find yourself repeating a familiar and not so useful pattern? Beating yourself up, getting worked up about something relatively trivial, feeling anxious for no good reason, having the same old argument with yourself! Sometimes we just suddenly notice that we’re doing it, and wonder how we managed to get ourselves in such a state. And sometimes we manage to stay there for hours, or even days!

I think of it as being caught up in a story, like when you read or watch something gripping and feel as if you are one of the characters being portrayed. It is a narrowing of perspective, focussing in on something as if it is your whole world and nature. Yet a part of us knows that it is not real, that it is not who we really are, nor the whole story. So we need to know how to ‘un-catch’ ourselves, regain a fuller perspective, and find a more useful way forward.

First of all, we need to recognise that we are caught up in a story and not just sit there. That part is easy: just notice how your body is. When we’re caught up, it literally feels tight, restricted. Our breathing is faster, our shoulders are tense, and our bellies are uncomfortable. We feel like we would if we had been trapped in something unexpectedly. And our minds are out of control, whizzing through all the stupid things we’ve done, or all the possible reasons for being anxious now and in the future, or all the ways in which we’re hard done by.

Once we get better at identifying the signs of being caught up, we can begin to release ourselves more quickly. We need a trigger to start the process – or, more accurately, to begin to stop it! I tend to say something to myself, like: ‘Hang on a minute!’ or ‘This isn’t me’.

Just by breaking into it for a moment, we interrupt the story enough to reduce its stranglehold on us. Sometimes I can then bring myself out: a couple of deep breaths, a step or two back from the narrative in my head, and I can begin to regain some perspective. At that point, I can start to see how I can deal with it differently.

And sometimes I know that I need help. I may have recognised that I’m caught up in the story, but it’s still running. That’s when we need a friend, someone who will play witness to our story and help us to remember that we’re more than that, that we have it out of proportion. Thank God for friends!

Being caught up in the story is neither comfortable nor useful to us. It restricts us in our thinking, our behaviours and our souls. Let’s break out of those nets as quickly as we can, and be the wonderful human beings we really are!

BREAKING THE CIRCLE

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I can’t condone killing – it is surely always wrong. So, like everyone else, I find senseless bombing or shooting of people abhorrent. And at the same time, I can’t condone the reaction of ‘let’s bomb those devils’ either, for the same reason – it’s killing.

World War 1 went on for four years, World War 2 for six years. How long now have we been fighting ‘the war on terror’ to no avail? Surely we can learn something from history, and realise that we need to try something different. And surely with our global communications and information now, there are some different and useful ideas out there.

I was watching a couple of episodes of Dr Who last night, about the Zygons – I know, what is this tangent? In the story, Dr Who gives an impassioned speech that stops the killing that is going on and makes everyone think again. In it he points out that even if you win the war, there will be another revolution, and others will rebel against the ruling group, so war is just perpetuated. He suggests that we just need to sit down and talk, that people making real contact with each other will find a different way. It’s only a story, yet isn’t it time that we at least used our brilliant minds to see if it is possible?

Instead we are fed battle talk, fear stories, and posturing on all sides. Our governments act as if we are innocent victims, yet threaten the enemy with weapons and might. They also kill, and we sit by and say little when we have no interests in the areas where innocent people are being killed – think Palestine, Africa, Syria etc.

There have been examples of taking a different tack: in South Africa, in Northern Ireland, with Iran… it may not work perfectly, but for sure it is better than constant war and war-mongering.

I am glad that there have been a few examples on the news of Parisian reactions that were not outrage or fear but courage and warmth: the father telling his child that the candles and flowers for those who died were more powerful than weapons; the man who said that they had taken his wife and child, so he wasn’t going to give them his hate as well.

We can refuse to be intimidated, we can refuse to think that everyone who is Muslim is a threat to us, we can look for ways of building peacefulness and we can show love and warmth and consideration to others.

It is time to break the circle of fear and threat, and we do that by behaving differently. I know, I’m an old hippy, all about peace and love – but I am not stupid – if fighting and frightening worked, we would all be living in peace now – we’ve done it for long enough!

FRIENDSHIP

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Coincidentally, over the last few weeks, several ‘old friends’ have reappeared – how wonderful is that! We hadn’t quite lost touch but we haven’t really caught up with each other in a long time, until now.

And with each one, it has been a delight to talk again, and to share stories. It’s like settling back into a familiar comfy armchair, because we have just picked up the friendship where we left off: the familiarity, the ease of conversation, the affection.

It has made me reflect on how we build a friendship, how it grows into that comfy place that stays there even when there are long gaps – clearly this doesn’t happen by befriending on Facebook!

I started by looking up the original meaning of the word friend. It is formed from the past participle of the Old Norse word for to love, and means beloved, someone you join with in love and intimacy. So we don’t really build a friendship, do we: we find friends, those people we come across that we have some sort of instant connection with, and then we either nurture that connection or let it go.

To me, nurturing that connection means that we start by expressing in some way that feeling of connection, to check out if it is mutual. This may be verbally: ‘I think we could be friends..’, or just through showing our pleasure in their company.

It also means that, in the first place, we actively seek to spend time with the person, to get to know them, and allow them to know us. Now this may sound a bit like dating, but I think there is a fundamental difference. With dating, we want the other person to like us, so we will tend to show only our best side. When we are nurturing a friendship, we are looking to share our world and be accepted for who we really are, warts and all, and to offer the same degree of acceptance to the other person.

This implies a level of risk: we allow them to see our foibles, our weaknesses, not just our good bits. It also means that we accept their reality as well, because we are interested in the whole of their world, not just the parts that are similar to ours.

At the same time, there is a wondrous permission in true friendship, a level of mutual, acceptance that we can both thrive on. My friends see the worst of me and bring out the best in me, because we respond to each other from a place of love, not a place of obligation or pretence.

Through establishing this deeper level of getting to know each other, we strengthen that initial connection into a lasting bond between us. Then we have something that can last a lifetime, that endures even when there is a lack of contact for a while.

Friendships are special – they are based in love and shared values, not shared experiences or behaviours. We nurture them and grow them by being truly ourselves and allowing our friends to do the same.

So when you come across one of those connections, do some nurturing, grow the bond between you, and enjoy the richness it brings to your life.

Thank you, my friends!

 

‘ARE YOU SITTING COMFORTABLY?’

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‘Then I’ll begin…’ It was the start of story-time on children’s hour when I was little, and we would all settle down to enjoy the story. For some reason it re-appeared in my memory this week, and prompted me to think about what being comfortable means.

It’s surprising at first when you look at its etymology: it means originally to be in your own strength. We think of being comfortable as being relaxed, at ease, rather than strong. And when you think about it some more, you realise that it is a form of strength that we don’t usually recognise or use, given us to help us to live our lives well.

So let’s explore it some more. When we feel physically comfortable, we are more likely to be in the flow mentally, and emotionally balanced. This is because the body reflects directly how we are feeling and cannot be controlled by our conscious mind; it shows us whether something is right or wrong for us by its reaction, if we choose to listen to it.

How useful is that!! I don’t have to try and work it out through my thinking: that mind that can argue the case for almost anything! I can just notice how my body is feeling, use a simple question to myself: ‘ Is my body comfortable with this?’

And if it isn’t, then we can use it to help us to improve the situation. If we know how our body feels when we are comfortable, then we can adjust ourselves physically until we get those feelings, and our emotions and our mind will automatically re-balance themselves, and we will easily think of an alternative way of handling the situation.

So begin by noticing when you are comfortable. What are you like physically – your shoulders, your belly, your breathing? And appreciate the effect that physical comfort has on your mental and emotional state.

Then notice when you slip out of comfort, and how different it feels physically. Begin with the simple everyday events that cause this slip: thinking about dinner tonight and not being in the mood to plan something to eat; the phone ringing when you are in the middle of something else; seeing 50 emails drop into your in-box in the morning. And just step away for a moment and get yourself physically comfortable again: now what are you going to do about it? By practising regaining your comfort on small things, you develop the habit of using being comfortable as a mechanism to reduce the stresses of life and to tap into your own ability to deal more constructively and imaginatively with the things that life throws at you.

We were born with this wondrous gift – let’s use it. Are you sitting comfortably? Now let’s begin!!

SPENDING TIME

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Have you noticed that we describe time in the same way as we do money: spending, wasting, saving, not enough, running out of. It makes sense because our time is a similar resource: we have a clear ‘budget’ of 24 hours in a day, and once it’s gone, we can’t sneak in an extra couple of hours from another day!

So what do we spend our time on? Do you stop and think about it? Every day, we have the chance to start afresh, with a new budget of hours, and use our time well. To me, this means that we need to consider what we want to feel like at the end of the day, and then decide what will make it likely that we will feel that way.

Of course, we usually have some things that are ‘fixed costs’ in our daily budget of time- sleeping, meals, work – yet we all have some ‘spare’ time that we can make choices about. Do I watch random TV at the end of the day, because I’m tired, or do I watch something that inspires me or makes me laugh? Do I do the housework, or do I spend my time with friends or family?

If we stop to think in terms of how it will make us feel, rather than automatically ploughing through the habitual list of things to get done in the day, we can change the nature of our days. And it is obvious that we haven’t thought this through properly, because we now have so many ‘time-savers’ like internet shopping, washing machines and driers, our own cars rather than public transport etc. etc. When this advance was talked about before it happened, the prediction was that we would all be able to work fewer hours, and have much more leisure time to do what we wanted. Yet we all seem to be busier than ever! My mum had more to do physically than I do – food shopping for her was three times a week by bus – yet she had more time to talk with neighbours, to play a board game with us kids…

If we are saving time, what are we saving it for? What are we spending this spare time on? I don’t know about you, but I know I would prefer to spend it on things that make me feel good at the end of the day.

So let’s start with the fundamentals: what use of my time makes me feel good at the end of the day? You need to consciously think about this and create your own repertoire, so that you have a clear idea of what is good use of your time for you, and can spend any time you save wisely.

It will probably be a mixture of categories, which you adjust according to the demands of that particular day, and your mood in the morning, to give you a balance in the day. For example, if I have been working all day, I may want to spend some of my spare time doing something physical instead of mental, or I may want to do something relaxing and quiet.

Possible categories of daily activities for your repertoire

I have developed a set of categories that help me to find a balance in my days, so they may be a useful starter for 10 for you.

  1. I like to feel I’ve achieved something in the day: done some work, done some writing, answered some emails, sorted or cleared something (Careful! This list can take over!) So I choose 1 or 2 priorities in a day.
  2. I like to have spent some of my time doing something physical: pilates, a walk, some gardening. It feels good to use my body and nowadays that isn’t built into our normal days like it was for my mum.
  3. I like to have spent some of my time in contact with others: time with friends or family, phone calls, chatting to the sales assistant – something which is proper human interaction (facebook doesn’t count!)
  4. I like to have some stimulation in my day, something to get my creative mind going: writing, a documentary or article on something that interests me, a good conversation.
  5. I feel good if I can just be for a little while, time to keep it all in perspective, to assess where I’m up to.
  6. And I feel good if I have allowed myself some time to just relax and do something I enjoy: a good movie, reading a good book, pursuing a hobby.

This sounds like being busy all day when I spell it out like this, doesn’t it! And of course in some sense it is – after all we do all use our time each day in some way or another. The difference is that by thinking about the different ways in which I can use my time, I am more likely to keep a balance and not waste my time on things that don’t enrich my day.

Notice that some of the things we have been taught to think of as a waste of time are really valuable. Waste of time seems to have become linked to not having a result or product that is tangible, instead of what is truly a waste of our time – engaging in activities that don’t add anything to our feeling of well-being. Which is better for our soul, clearing our in-box or taking 15 minutes to stroll in the fresh air on a pleasant autumn day?

The criterion for whether something is a waste of time is not the activity itself, it’s how you feel at the end of it.

And remember that often the things that make all the difference to how we feel at the end of the day don’t actually use that much time. Just 15 minutes of sitting back and just drifting can make us feel so much better when we resume what we were doing. And some categories can be catered for in one activity: I can be with friends and have stimulating conversation, and relax – what good use of my time resource!!

So, how are you spending your time today? You can’t save it for tomorrow: the budget disappears at the end of each day. And each morning you have a new budget, so there is always another chance to choose to spend your time in a way that makes you feel good, and sends you to bed saying: ‘That was a good day!’

 

YOUR ENERGY BANK

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Have you ever noticed how your energy levels vary significantly from day to day, week to week? I think of it as being like a bank account: sometimes there’s quite a healthy balance and then a big bill comes in and you’re back in the red again! I find this a useful analogy because it reminds us that we need to monitor our energy bank balance, just as we do our financial affairs.

We need the basic regular incoming of energy: the ways in which we give ourselves energy to fulfil our daily requirements. There are the straightforward physical needs: sleep, food, drink, and physical movement. Then there are the metal stimuli to keep our minds active and alert, which may be our work, reading, or crosswords and Sudoku! And the third category is those things that give us emotional energy: good conversation, activities we really enjoy, giving and receiving love and affection.

These categories of energy supply are like three different sources of income, and we need input from all three to ensure we have a good energy balance. It is not enough to keep one of these topped up, and neglect the others, because it is the combination of them that forms our energy levels. So to maintain our regular ‘income’ of energy, we need to ensure that we actively build our energy physically, mentally and emotionally.

As we become aware of how we can actively fulfil our energy requirements, we begin to accumulate a repertoire of ways of enhancing our energy levels, should we need to, or want to. And the good thing about energy income is that we can easily increase our income: it is not dependent on outside sources, it is within our control to enhance those levels through things we choose to do or not do.

Then we need to assess what drains our energy, empties the account. You do know this: there are certain activities and interactions that leave us feeling drained or use up a lot of our energy. The first question is, can we limit those or even eliminate them? Usually these energy-drainers are linked to things we do out of duty or obligation. Now I’m not suggesting that we don’t do them any more – unless we really don’t need to and only do it from force of habit – but we can certainly reduce their impact.

If you want to maintain your good relationship with your aunt/brother/old friend, but find them draining, arrange to see them in a way that allows you to limit the time you spend with them. If you need to sort your emails regularly, but it’s an activity you don’t like, then allocate specific times to it. What we can also do, having reduced the impact of our energy-drainers, is make sure we have some energy boosters in place for either before or after, or both!

And as we become more aware of what empties our energy account fast for us, we can be more careful about how many of those drainers we allow into our lives. Many of us have too many energy expenditures and it is hard to keep that balance topped up.

I want to make a final point about our energy banks. The sources of energy for us, and the things that drain us, may not be consistent. Sometimes going for a walk is just what we need, and sometimes that would be just a step too far, so to speak! Sometimes a friend’s company re-energises us, and sometimes we just want to be quiet and on our own to recover our energy levels. So keeping your energy bank balance healthy requires staying aware of your own wisdom and intuition.

When our energy levels are down, we don’t think straight, or feel good, and everything can become draining, causing enormous overdraughts on the account very quickly. The good news is that there are always sources of energy within our control, no matter what’s going on in our world, so when we are feeling drained it is always possible to do something about it.

Identify your sources of energy, use them, keep topping up your balance, and life gets easier. Go on, find an energy topper now, and allow yourself to use it!!

MOST PEOPLE ARE LOVELY

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I’ve recently had occasion to meet lots of new people while doing some work in Glasgow. It’s been a good reminder that there is reason to be optimistic about our world, because most people are lovely. The participants on the programmes I was running, the hotel and restaurant staff, taxi drivers, airport staff, fellow guests and travellers, and people on the street – all of them I encountered were friendly, helpful, and made my trips easier and more fun.

When we listen to the news of bad things people do, or when everyone seems to be going about the world in their own little bubble with their earplugs in and their eyes on their phone, it is easy to forget that our innate nature is social and friendly. Yet it often just takes a hello or a smile to break through the barriers we put between us and discover another human being just like us.

Those of you who know me may be thinking this is just me and my rose-tinted spectacles again! And to some extent that may be true. I do choose to view people in a certain way, to make assumptions that they are basically friendly and kind, and the effect of this is that most of them turn out to be that way! I have met thousands of people in my life and very few of them have been genuinely unpleasant.

When you think about it, you realise that most of us would prefer it if others found us likeable, but we tend to ‘play victim’ and wait to see how they react to us, if at all, before we start to show our colours. We are used to being judged by our appearance, our age, our race, our role, instead of starting with our shared human beingness. Yet our human beingness is what we all have in common: it’s what we all share no matter what our background, history or role.

And we all have the power to choose to view the other person as another human being just like us, to choose not to judge the book by its cover, to choose to treat that person as another potential friend. When we approach people with that attitude, most of them turn out to be lovely.

This is not soppy, or viewing the world through rose-tinted spectacles – it’s useful and selfish. Eliciting the kindness and friendliness of other people makes my life easier and more pleasant, and hopefully brightens their day too.

In the hotel I was staying in, there was an aphorism that came up on the tv screen when you went into your room: ‘Greet strangers as you would your best friend.’ Imagine if we all did that – we would change the world!