Tag Archives: improving life

HAVE ANOTHER GO

Ways of Remembering,

Do you ever berate yourself for making the same silly mistake again? I certainly do, and a few days ago I did two silly things that resulted in me tripping over and hurting myself (not too drastically).

I was telling myself what a fool I was – I knew I had overstretched myself, and I knew I should have cleared up the stuff piling up in my yard. Then I remembered the angel Emmanuel talking to me years ago, when I asked him if I would ever learn to stop repeating the same mistakes. He said that what matters is that you notice you’ve done it again, because that means you’re learning to avoid it more often in the future.

He pointed out that it is part of the deal of being human, and rather than being cross with ourselves, we should celebrate the fact that we’ve realised that we did it – that’s progress. In fact, he suggested we should buy ourselves flowers – but this time my ‘reward’ was a large glass of wine!

And all this reminded me that in our lives, we rarely get the most useful behaviours and beliefs totally embedded, but every time we dust ourselves off and have another go, we are increasing our stock of being able to remember more often. I know that over my lifetime I have got better at some things, even if I haven’t reached perfection yet!

So I’m having another go at remembering to stop when I know I’ve done enough for now, and to clear up a bit after myself instead of laying unintentional booby traps everywhere.

Next time you get cross with yourself for making that silly mistake, for goodness’’ sake celebrate that you realised in your own inimitable way, and then have another go.

DOING SOMETHING DIFFERENT

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Last week, my son took me to Winchester for an overnight stay. We had a lovely time, looking round a different city, and spending enjoyable time together. It reminded me that doing something different really livens up your life.

It is so easy to fall into habits of doing the same old thing: cook the same meals; do laundry on the same day; visit the same places; spend the weekend doing the same routine – the list goes on and on.

There’s nothing wrong with having habitual pattens. They often allow us some time on automatic pilot, no great effort required. It can be almost restful, with no need to think about it.

And once in a while, it’s really good for us to do something different. It livens up our day, stimulates our mind and energy.

This doesn’t have to be something momentous, just something different in the normal week. Examples might be: buying or growing a different plant for the garden; choosing to make a different meal or buying something you don’t usually have from the supermarket; arranging to meet a friend at a coffee shop instead of at home; watching a tv programme you wouldn’t normally choose; phoning someone you haven’t spoken to for ages.

This is a great way to keep life interesting, so you’re not stuck in a rut. Sometimes the experiment doesn’t work out, but that’s OK – it still broke the spell of habit for a while. And often it’s a way of adding in something different to your everyday that may even become another useful habit!

LIFE IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT

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I have recently witnessed three examples of individuals who have been unpleasant, obstructive, mean, selfish and downright nasty. And part of me dislikes them intensely for the misery and hurt they have inflicted on others.

But part of me feels sorry for them, because they are not exactly thriving themselves. Their behaviour to others may in some way give them a momentary satisfaction but the price they pay for that is high. It usually backfires into health issues, isolation, and an unhappy life for them. I will never understand why anyone would choose to behave so badly, and to suffer the consequences for themselves as well.

No matter what life throws at you, we always have a choice. Those who have suffered in one way or another through the behaviour I’ve described have all chosen to react with dignity and integrity rather than respond in kind or play victim. And they have been able to rebuild their lives, find ways to be happy, and continued to have friends and support. The difference is starkly obvious.

So it’s a good reminder that, no matter what’s going on, we can choose how we behave and react, and that choice leads to outcomes that are to our long-term benefit or detriment.

It’s not only ‘good’ to behave fairly and kindly with others, it’s also to our own advantage – we are able to have a clear mind, a support network of friends, and be more healthy. I prefer to make my life work, for me and for those around me – don’t you?

DEALING WITH FEAR

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We all experience fear, but we rarely stop and think about what it is about. It can be an acronym for False Events Appearing Real – which gives us a clue: most of our fear is of something in the future that hasn’t happened yet.

While we’re in fear, we are incapable of being rational about it: we’re in fight or flight mode, and our logic shuts down. However, we could look at the evidence after the predicted event, and if we do, we begin to realise how often our fears are unfounded. Sometimes the event doesn’t happen at all, sometimes it is much better than we had expected, and yes, occasionally we were right. So the first way of counteracting our tendency to fear is to begin to check up how many times it was inaccurate.

And when our fear was justified? It is worth reviewing our own actions and reactions when we could see it coming true. Sometimes we ‘cause’ the fear to be real by the way we approach the situation. We are in the fight or flight mode and we give off the vibes of someone in fear. This can make us combatant or wary or anxious. Others involved may pick up on that unconsciously and so react accordingly. And even when there is no-one else involved, we can be clumsy or a bit stupid. Fearing slipping over in the snow almost inevitably makes me mis-step and fall over!

Of course, it is right to feel fear sometimes, but mostly it just makes things worse. It is bad for our health and makes life harder. We can counteract it, we can teach ourselves to stop it before it gets a hold, and our lives will be better for it.

A TIME OF RENEWAL

Ways of Remembering,

As a child, I didn’t understand why spring was linked with cleaning and clearing. My mum always did a spring clean: cupboards were cleared out, skirting boards were wiped down, windows and mirrors were polished, and she did it all with vigour and enthusiasm.

Now I understand more. There is something in the air when spring gets underway. It is warmer, there is more daylight, and everywhere you look there are fresh greens: leaves, shoots and buds. There whole world feels as if it is bursting into life again, after the dormancy of winter.

It infuses us with energy if we spend any time in nature. Our sap rises as well, so to speak, and it reminds us that everything can be refreshed and renewed. We somehow want to match the way nature regenerates itself, which prompts us to refresh our homes, our lives.

I love playing my part in making it happen, planting seeds and watching them germinate and grow into the vegetables and flowers I will enjoy all year. And I also get the urge to clear out that cupboard I’ve been ignoring, throw out some old clothes, remove some clutter – do a bit of a spring clean!

Nature tells us it’s a time of renewal. Let’s follow her example and refresh some aspect of our lives, using that spring energy to make life better in some way.

THE SPACE BETWEEN THOUGHTS

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Our minds are so busy most of the time, with all that thinking. We think about what we’ve done, we run a commentary on what we’re doing, and think about what we’re going to do. And these thoughts link to other things: times we’ve done the same before; how we feel about it; people; random memories – it just goes on and on.

But once in a while, there is a space between the thoughts, a moment of emptiness. That space, however brief, is like an oasis of calm. Nothing is going on and we can just rest in that space, a lull in our everyday busyness. I first became aware of this possibility when I was exploring meditation, but found it almost impossible to stay still, let alone quiet my mind! I was reassured by someone who had followed Buddhist practice for a long time, who told me that it is an aim, but difficult to do – so it wasn’t just me…

But then I realised that we do sometimes have that space, by some kind of accident. So can we find these spaces when we need them? Not always of course, but we can create the environment where they are more likey to happen. Gentle, rhythmic sounds certainly help for me. The sound of waves by the sea, the wind blowing gently through trees, rain pattering on the window – all these can encourage us to find that space as we focus our attention on therm.

So too can looking at something beautiful: a flowering plant with the colours and shapes and contrasting foliage; a landscape with its contours, colours, shadows and light; a piece of art we love. All these can send us into a peaceful reverie if we stay with them.

And of course there are ways to reach that space through the feel of things: cosying into soft warm clothes; gently stroking a dozy cat or dog; enjoying the feel of warm sunshine on our skin.

You will have your own prompts to reach that space between thoughts. Recognise them and use them – they give us a much-needed break, a rest from our busy minds.

THE INGREDIENTS OF MY LIFE

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In any recipe, there are essential ingredients and others that can be varied according to your taste. The same thing applies to creating for ourselves our unique version of a life well-lived.

We all need some basics: some form of physical activity and a reasonable diet to keep our bodies as healthy as possible; we also need some form of mental stimulation through our work, or reading, or lively conversations; and we need emotional connection with others to feed our ability to love and laugh and feel a sense oof belonging; we also need, of course, some way of supporting ourselves financially.

Even with these essential ingredients, we can vary them to suit our own tastes. We’re not all going to go to the gym daily, do a Masters degree, or have a large family!

And once we have the essentials in place, we can begin to add in the extra ingredients which make our recipe for life unique and delicious. These may be hobbies, interests, passions we have, or activities that give us particular pleasure. We may want to have adventures or times of peace and quiet. We may want things that distract us from the less enjoyable aspects of our lives. We may want to try something different, to see if it adds a good flavour to our recipe.

There may be some parts of our life that are not ideal, although essential. But we also have lots of areas where we can make choices to improve that life we’re creating.

So have a look, now and then, at the recipe of your life, and see if you can make it even tastier and more delightful for yourself.

THE LAW OF RESONANCE

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I remember how popular it was in the 60’s and 70’s to talk about ‘vibes’ – good and bad vibrations. This is the law of resonance. Resonance originally means that similar sounds to those you send out will come back to you – echoes if you will. It applies to any form of energy wave, which means it includes our emotional energies, our physical energies, our mental energies.

We all know that when we’re ‘off’ in one of these forms of energy, others can seem to catch it from us, or the universe seems to send us more reasons to stay ‘off’ – the law of resonance at work.

It’s also reflected in the way social media algorithms work:  you show some interest in a particular perspective and you get more of the same sort of thing, tempting you further along that path.

We are often unaware of how powerfully we affect our own perspective on the world, through the ‘vibrations’ we are sending out, and consider ourselves instead to be the victim of circumstance. But we can change the story.

We are creating self-fulfilling prophecies, so let’s make them good ones most of the time! By being aware of the law of resonance, we can interrupt its negative power.

When the vibe feels bad, we can stop and check: is it us who’s setting it off, or someone we’re around? If it’s someone else creating a resonance in us, we can choose to disengage, move away. If it’s us, we can make a deliberate effort to change our state, and change the vibe.

And when the vibe feels good, the same check applies. If someone else is the source, that’s a great person to be around! And if it’s us, let’s amplify it and increase the good vibes in the world.

THOUGHT VIRUSES

Ways of Remembering,

We’ve heard a lot about viruses over the last few years, but no-one mentions the one that all of us suffer from on a fairly regular basis – it’s thought viruses.

We all have our own particular thought viruses: stories we tell ourselves that put ‘the fear of God into us’, as my mum would say. They’re the thoughts that trigger us into a state of fear or anxiety, usually about something that hasn’t actually happened, but we fear might.

There are also ones that take hold more widely in our cultures, which is how racism, sexism etc become so prevalent.

They all operate a double negative for us:

  1. Once there, we look for evidence that they’re likely to be true, in our own past, and in what we see and hear around us, so we build their hold on us.
  2. They affect our physical, mental and emotional well-being and increase our negative feelings and stress levels.

Like other viruses, we need to find a way to recover from them, and help ourselves to develop an immunity.

Firstly, we need to recognise we have them. Those recurring anxieties about our health or certain meetings, or something bad happening, all show us where they are.

Secondly, we need to start to exert some control over them. Look for evidence to the contrary: how many times in the past they weren’t true, how illogical most of them are.

Thirdly, we need to actively challenge them. When one pops its head up, we need to say: ‘Not you again! You’re not a fact, you’re a figment of my imagination. Go away, I don’t want you any more.’

Lastly, we need to laugh at them, because that is a fine way to reduce their power over us.

Thought viruses can spoil our happiness and peace of mind. Let’s choose not to let them.

THE POWER OF INTENTION

Ways of Remembering,

Last time, I wrote about setting intentions for the year rather than resolutions. By chance, I decided to clear up one of those piles of folders that I believe we all accumulate, and amongst them I found a stock of my intentions which went back twenty years.

I sat and read through them and was immediately reminded of just how powerful they are. I usually forget what I’ve written down until the next time, and then adjust them to help me move on some more. What I hadn’t really realised before is just how much progress I have made on so many elements of how I want to improve.

This is not because I have been deliberate or conscientious about it. As I said, I usually forget what I have written within a month. It is because intentions are like a direct command to your unconscious. They seep into your way of thinking about things and play a part in how you make decisions, how you act. I knew this theoretically, but here was the proof.

Just that act of writing down how you want to feel in general, and then some things you intend to do more or less of is enough to help you improve your life without a lot of effort.

And even at a simple level they work just as well. Setting your intentions for how you want a conversation to go, or an encounter, or a day, can make a positive difference without consciously trying. It is a powerful use of our unconscious that makes life easier, so do experiment with it.