Tag Archives: self-care

OH WELL, TOMORROW’S ANOTHER DAY..

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I don’t know about you, but I have good days and bad days. I used to be far more aware of my bad days – you know, those days when you don’t really feel in the mood, and then nothing seems to go smoothly, and you get more and more fed up and frustrated. I could easily end up beating myself up for my ‘failure’ and making myself feel even worse.

And the good days? I tended to take them for granted, not count them, because they were merely what I expected of myself.

I decided a while ago that this was not helping me to have more good days – I don’t respond well to punishment, even when it’s self-punishment! So I started to take a different approach.

Firstly, I had to remind myself that I’m human, not a robot. It’s natural to have highs and lows, be motivated or demotivated, feel energetic or weary.

Secondly, I started actively complimenting myself for the good days, telling myself that I’d done well, that I’d been on form.

Thirdly, I began to notice the bits of the not-so-good days that had been fine – it’s rare to have a totally bad day. At least I got up, and made a nice dinner, and did the washing!

Fourthly, when the day hasn’t gone very well, instead of beating myself up, I let myself off the hook. I adopted the phrase, ‘Oh well, tomorrow’s another day..’

In truth, we can always have another go. Tomorrow is a new day, a fresh opportunity to see if we can make life/work easier and more enjoyable. What’s gone is gone, and agonising over it doesn’t change that. But we can be a bit kinder to ourselves, relax and have a good sleep, and set ourselves up for a better day tomorrow.

I have found that I have far more good days and quite a few good bits of days as well, since I started this. It might be worth experimenting with…

COMPASSION OR EMPATHY?

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In ‘The Book of Joy’ – conversations between the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu – they describe empathy as just feeling for someone and compassion as taking the extra step and saying, ‘What can I do to help?’ I love this distinction because it clarifies something I was told a long time ago by some people who had physical disabilities: ‘We don’t want your pity, sympathy or even empathy – it doesn’t help us to be who we can be.’

I learnt by experimentation how to move from sympathy or empathy to compassion with them and got roundly told off if I got it wrong! I remember one young woman who wanted to go to the toilet. I took her there, and lifted her out of the wheelchair to sit her on the toilet, but she was quite heavy and I lost my grip on her. She slid down between the toilet and the wall of the cubicle. I was horrified, and kept saying, ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry.’ Dorcas looked at me and said, ‘Have another go and for goodness’ sake laugh – I must look very funny stuck in this position!’ Wow!! She showed me that I was not reacting as I would if she were my friend, but with pity for her predicament and guilt for my part in making it worse. I wasn’t allowing either her or me to be just humans.

Acting with compassion doesn’t have to be a big thing. You don’t have to volunteer to go into a war zone and help those injured, but you do have to remember that small things can help others and show our compassion with them as fellow human beings.

  • Listen when someone wants to tell you about something with your full attention
  • Freshen up the pillows of someone who is ill in bed and hold their hand
  • Help someone pick up their stuff if they’ve dropped their shopping bag
  • Remind the mum whose child is having a tantrum in the supermarket that it does get better as they get older, hopefully!
  • Have a conversation with the person who says good morning at the bus stop – don’t just look the other way
  • Hold the door open for that person behind you who is in a rush and looking agitated
  • And if you don’t know what to do that would help, ask the person concerned.

All these little acts of kindness and recognition add up to a lot of compassion, and moreover, they are infectious. If you take that small action, often others will do the same.

And don’t forget to show the same compassion for yourself. If you’re feeling miserable or irritated, or unhappy, or rushed, what can you do to help yourself? We can only be as compassionate with others as we are with ourselves, so start by helping yourself to be who you really are.

YOUR ‘ENERGY BANK’

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We all know how personal finance banking works, even if we don’t always stick to what we know! Being in debt is not a good idea, especially since the debt gets bigger the longer we leave it, as they charge interest. It’s best to keep in credit, and preferably to have a bit extra in case we have something unexpected to pay for.

Your personal energy bank works in the same way. If you use more energy than you have stored, you pay a price for it, in health and mental fitness. It is more advisable to ensure that you have enough energy for what you have to do, and preferably a little extra there for the unexpected calls on you.

The major difference between these two types of banking is that we are not reliant on external circumstances helping us to top up our energy bank. We can be in control of how much energy we take out and put in.

We all know the things that drain our energy resources and the things that top the account up, and many of those things are within our control. This is not necessarily logical or even shared with others. For example, some people feel energised by tidying up the garden ad for others it is a draining activity driven by necessity not pleasure. And time spent with some people energises you, whilst other people you find draining. We’re not even consistent: sometimes the same activity that can energise you may be draining.

However, we all know whether we feel energised or drained by any given activity – it is simple to assess by how we feel at the end of it – so we can keep our energy bank account healthy by doing that assessment on a regular basis and re-balancing the account when it’s been drained.

If you don’t do this re-balancing on a regular basis, that energy bank becomes more and more overdrawn, and when that happens, almost everything becomes an effort. Even those things we enjoy require a little energy to get started, and if there’s nothing to draw on, we end up finding everything draining – and that’s miserable!

So let’s consciously identify some simple things that will give us some energy, and use them to re-balance. For example, I know that pilates or a bit of a walk will work for me. If they’re not possible, certain music is instant energy, or a phone call to one of my friends, and sometimes just taking ten minutes out with a cup of coffee – or a glass of wine! – works. When you know some of the things that give you a boost you can use them to top up that energy, and even plan in advance, so that the draining activities you know you have to do are followed by a top-up activity.

Your energy bank is the driving force that determines how you approach things. Keep that account healthily in credit and you will enjoy life so much more – and that’s what it’s about, isn’t it!

A QUIET MIND

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I don’t think we realise most of the time just how busy our mind is. It’s like when you leave the radio or TV on in the background – you don’t notice the noise after a while, until you turn it off and you notice the quiet.

The mind runs a commentary on whatever’s going on, or whatever you’re doing, so it tells you the story of your life: ‘I’m just sitting down for 5 minutes because I’m tired. I won’t need long before I can get going again – don’t want to sink into lethargy – lots to do – although I wish I could just stop sometimes.’ Your mind also does past and/or future at the same time – like having two different channels running simultaneously! ‘ I did quite a lot today, but I didn’t finish my list of tasks. And I must remember to phone so-and-so, and what shall I have for dinner?’

It’s amazing that we don’t go a bit crazy with it constantly playing in our heads – or maybe we do!! And it isn’t usually very kind in its commentary, and sometimes it is downright mean and twisted in its reasoning.

So once in a while, it’s great to be able to switch it off and have a rest, but this is not as easy as switching off the radio and TV. I remember learning a meditation where you count the breath up to ten, and them start again from one. I told the teacher I just couldn’t do it: I’d get to about three and then be distracted by my thoughts. He laughed and said that was normal – you just start over when you realise you’ve lost it again. I still find that I rarely get to five, years and years later!

And once in a while, I realise that the noise in my mind has shut up, apparently on its own – so what has that effect on it? For me, something moving gently with a natural rhythm seems to work. It may be a sound or, more often, something I’m looking at. Examples would be: the sound and sight of waves breaking on the shore; leaves on a tree moving gently in the breeze; a candle flame or a real fire; the tick of an old-fashioned clock. If I stay paying attention to it, the rhythmic sound or sight seems to lull my busy mind to sleep for a while. It’s as if the noise gradually fades away until there’s nothing left.

And a little while of that quiet feels so restful, so refreshing!

So what allows you to have a break from your own busy head? Experiment, find out, and enjoy a few moments of peace and quiet.

A REST FROM OUR BUSY WORLD

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I have just spent three weeks in retreat. Others would call it a holiday, staying with one of my best friends. For me, it has been a delightful and useful retreat.

The word retreat means to draw back from, ad I have been able to draw back from the normal ‘noise’ of everyday life these days: no phone, no emails, no tv, no normal routines of my usual life. So my days have been about what was immediately there: sitting in the sunshine on the beach or on the porch; enjoying the conversations with my friend and others we have met with; reading something that I felt like reading. And being able to sit and do nothing, allowing my mind to go wherever it willed, including to nothingness.

This space away from it all has made me even more aware of just how much we are bombarded by demands on our attention and time, and by distractions from just being here and now. It is so lovely to draw back from all that!

And the process also gives us a different perspective on that normal everyday life we lead. With the space, we can see how we can maybe give ourselves a few more ‘mini-retreats’ in the midst of that busy life: a day without the computer or phone; an afternoon walking in the countryside; an evening reading a good book.

We almost become immune to that constant noise we live in, but it is still taking its toll from us, stopping us from just being with ourselves and the moment.

Life is too precious to miss because of the demands on us – so please give yourself a little break from your busy life and take a rest.

WHAT’S YOUR DRUG OF CHOICE?

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This week I’ve watched a fascinating tv programme called ‘The Doctor Who Gave Up Drugs’. It was about a doctor who worked with patients to find alternatives to the pharmaceutical drugs they were taking, because he believes that too many people are taking drugs on a long-term basis and that it isn’t the answer.

It made me think about how much we just mask our physical and emotional reactions, without ever getting to the cause of that reaction and doing something about it.

There is a purpose to aches and pains – to alert us to something being out of balance. It may be a temporary state: I’ve sat still for too long, or I’ve eaten something that’s upset my digestive system. And sometimes it is chronic: I’ve weakened my knees, or I’ve frequent headaches. Similarly our emotional aches and pains are symptoms of something not right and out of balance in our lives. We may be depressed or fearful or angry, either temporarily or frequently.

Pills may give us temporary relief, enough time to deal with the underlying story, when it’s a physical pain, but they are unlikely to cure us – and if we take them on a regular basis they may well do us more harm than good – virtually no drug is without side effects. And watching tv or eating comfort food, or drinking alcohol may distract us from our emotional stuff, but again, they won’t cure it.

So what can we do differently?

There is plenty of research to suggest that our lifestyle is a major factor in our lack of well-being: too much stress, busyness, fast food; not enough physical movement and activity, sleep, and time in natural surroundings. And we do get lots of messages to ‘change our lifestyle choices’ – but that sounds so hard! How do we do this when there’s so much else we have to think about and do?

The answer is one step at a time!!

  • A specialist on the tv programme said that walking was the best miracle cure he knew – so walk a little! Go round the block once or twice a week, or go to the park and walk around for 20 minutes.
  • Being in natural surroundings helps our spirits, so the park works in 2 ways – or go to a National Trust garden once a month.
  • Have a sleep-in once a week. Don’t set the alarm and let yourself catch up a bit – our bodies can heal themselves while we’re asleep.
  • Do something physical that you enjoy once a fortnight. Go swimming, do some gardening, join a yoga or dance class.
  • Once a week, make a meal from scratch, full of fresh vegetables – use lots of different colours, get the family involved in preparing it.
  • And talk with people you love, face to face. Our connections with others help to keep us healthy and it’s always good to talk..

So what’s your drug of choice? I’ll still take the occasional ibuprofen if I have a headache, but I think I’ll look after myself most of the time with the ‘drugs’ of walking, gardening and my lovely friends!

JUST GIVE ME SOME ATTENTION!

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As I sat here thinking about writing, I had my foot gently chewed by one kitten while the other kneaded my sweater from behind. So I stopped, put my paper down, and gave them both a bit of fuss. Now they’ve gone off to play together.

One of their first learnings was how to successfully get my attention, preferably without any cursing of them involved! We are the same – sometimes we just want a bit of attention, and we all learn tricks to get it.

We start as babies: crying, cooing, smiling – they all work to some extent. Then we progress to tantrums, being clever, being extra well behaved or being naughty, and we gradually develop our own particular ways of getting that bit of attention.

You don’t think you do it any more? Think again! If you ever feel that a conversation with a friend is a bit one-sided – you listen to them, but they don’t ask about you – you want some attention. If you ever resent the fact that nobody noticed that you cleaned the house, you want some attention. If you ever feel that nobody cares, you want some attention.

We all want others to show that they care about us, to value what we do and are, to show that we matter to them, to give us some love, or at least notice us. And we’re all a bit lax about demonstrating to others that we do care for them and love them, that they matter to us and that we appreciate them.

The question isn’t whether you try to get attention; it’s whether you have useful tactics to gain the sort of attention you want.

Complaining, pouting, flouncing away, sulking, doing something with a lot of fuss and bother – these are some of the less useful tactics we adopt. They may attract attention, but it is not likely to be the sort we really want.

So what can we do to gain that attention we would like?

Well, I think the most obvious way is one people rarely use: to ask directly. ‘It would really help if you could just sit and listen to me for a little while’. Or, ‘I would like to feel that you appreciate what I do’. Most people will respond positively and sympathetically to the request: they’re not intentionally withholding attention from you, they’re just not aware that you want it.

We can also remember what makes us give attention to others and behave similarly. We tend to pay attention to someone who makes interesting conversation, if they are good company, when they’re friendly and pleasant, when they’re funny or quirky, when they’re endearing.

Finally we can do something that sounds counter-intuitive: when we want attention, we can give it instead. Ask the other person abut what’s going on in their world, appreciate what they have been doing, tell them how much they mean to you. When we give attention, we often receive it in return.

And don’t forget that the need for attention can sometimes remind us that we don’t appreciate ourselves enough. Be proud of your achievements, your positive moves, your effort, your good work. Count them all, big and small, and pat yourself on the back. Give yourself the attention you deserve – you’re worth it!

 

LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

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Many years ago, I went to see Billy Connolly for the first time. I laughed so much that my sides hurt – what a treat! We rarely laugh that much. In fact, we often take life so seriously that we hardly laugh at all.

Having new kittens is reminding me of the joy of laughter. I’ve just sat and laughed at them chasing imaginary prey under the mat in the living room, and then galloping stiff-legged across the floor sideways. They don’t get self-conscious or worry about being silly – they just have fun and bring amusement to me in the process.

Laughter is a release of tension in our bodies: it frees up our energy and it helps us to regain perspective. When we laugh, everything feels better and we feel lighter.

Did you see the movie, “Patch Adams’ where Robin Williams played the doctor who used laughter to help his patients to heal? It was based on a true story, and there is plenty of research to show that laughter is genuinely health-giving. And the great thing about laughter is that it doesn’t usually cost anything to get it – you just need to remember what helps you to laugh.

So where are your sources of laughter?

  • Are there comedians who make you laugh? Watch them on utube or tv or dvd.
  • Are there movies/tv programmes that make you laugh? Have your own copy to use when you need to laugh.
  • Do the antics of animals or small children make you laugh? Seek them out.
  • Do you have friends that you always have a laugh with? See them more often.
  • Do you have memories of times when funny things happened? Re-tell those stories.

Laughter should be an everyday part of our lives, not just for high days and holidays. We may all have a different sense of humour, but we have in common the need to laugh fully and often.

Give yourself every opportunity you can to laugh – it’s good for you..

HAVE YOU GOT A SACRED SPACE?

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We all know what someone means when they describe somewhere as a hellhole, yet I don’t think we are as clear about what it means to have a sacred space. We get it muddled with religious things instead of recognising sacred spaces as essential to our well-being.

Sacred means holy or blessed. It has come to be associated with churches and temples, yet there are so many more sacred spaces than that – and not all those spaces designated as sacred have the real feeling of a truly sacred space.

For me, a sacred space has the immediate effect of calming and quieting me. It has an atmosphere imbued with peace and comfort, where we can settle and re-centre ourselves. It is by this effect that I would say we recognise the sacred spaces.

They may be old churches or cathedrals, they may be Buddhist or Hindu temples, they may be a synagogue or a mosque – any such buildings that seem to have the air and stones filled with peace and goodwill.

On the other hand, a sacred space could be out in nature – maybe a site of ancient worship, or maybe just a place blessed by being allowed to maintain its natural state of grace, calm and perspective. There are meadows, woodlands, hilltops, valleys, riverbanks, beaches, that just elicit an ‘Aaah!’ from us when we reach that space and sit in it for a moment.

These sacred spaces are important for our well-being. When life is busy, hectic, turbulent, we all benefit from a little while in a place that exudes calm.

So recognise and take advantage of the ones that work for you, and seek them out, to soothe your soul.

And consider the possibility of creating a sacred space of your own. I created a labyrinth in one of my gardens – you don’t need to go that far!! Just dedicate a small part of your garden, or of an indoors room, as a sacred space for you. Put beautiful, peace-provoking things in it to look at or feel, and make it easy to sit there for a while. Give it your own blessing, in your own way.

We all deserve moments of peace and calm in our lives, and sacred spaces give us that for free, so use them and add your moment of peace to the sacred atmosphere there.

HAVE YOU NOTICED THE FREE GIFTS COMING YOUR WAY TODAY?

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When I visit Maui, it is impossible to ignore the free gifts we all get offered every day, because they are there in front of me – and maybe that is because I am not being busy with my life, and therefore take the time to notice them. I’m talking about the weather that enables our plants to grow. I’m talking about the fruit and vegetables we have to eat as a result of that weather – OK, I know that in the UK we have to pay for them unless we grow our own!

Then there are trees and flowers with their individuality, beauty and changing nature, there are hills and mountains, beach and sea – landscapes of all types to delight the eyes. And what about the birds that sing, the butterflies that dance around the flowers, the bees gathering nectar – so many beautiful things that we can appreciate at no cost.

Just spending a little while noticing what the world offers us to enjoy for free is a great way of feeding our soul, and there is always something available. I watched a lovely little video where people in a not very pleasant neighbourhood were given an empty picture frame and asked to find something beautiful to frame with it. By looking around and up instead of just walking through, they all found something to frame. (This group does lots of great things like this. If you want to take a look, here’s the link to their site: https://www.youtube.com/user/soulpancake ).

Noticing these free gifts gives us a little space in our hectic lives, a chance to regain some perspective. When you watch the birds, the plants, the stars, they exemplify the natural way of being in the world. They don’t rush, they don’t struggle against how things are, they don’t worry about what might happen next! They remind us that we are natural living beings too, even if we are not conscious of it.

There is also something calming about the rhythm of nature: rain on the window, wind in the trees, birds flying – it all has a soothing effect on us and quiets down our bodies and minds.

So give yourself five minutes every day just to notice and appreciate the gifts of the world around us, and allow yourself a little break from the pressures of everyday life.

 

‘What is this life if, full of care,

We have no time to stand and stare.

No time to stand beneath the boughs

And stare as long as sheep or cows.

No time to see, when woods we pass,

Where squirrels hide their nuts in grass.

No time to see, in broad daylight,

Streams full of stars, like skies at night.

No time to turn at Beauty’s glance,

And watch her feet, how they can dance.

No time to wait till her mouth can

Enrich that smile her eyes began.

A poor life this if, full of care,

We have no time to stand and stare.’

By William Henry Davies