Category Archives: Ways of Remembering

Di’s Blog Post Articles

RADICAL INCREMENTALISM

Ways of Remembering,

I recently read a book (4000 Weeks by Oliver Burkeman) where I came across this phrase, and I just love it! It is the perfect expression of something I have been working on for a while.

It is about the easy way to get big jobs done: do a small, time-limited amount every day, stopping before you’ve run out of energy or enthusiasm. By approaching it in this way, you don’t put off doing the next piece because you haven’t pushed yourself previously, and by consistently doing a bit of the task, you clear it easily and without effort.

You can use this method to do things like de-clutter your home, clear your garden of winter debris or weed the flower beds, sort out holiday arrangements, clear emails – well, almost anything!

I have long been an advocate of turning bigger jobs into projects, where success is counted, not as finishing the whole thing, but as completing one stage of the project. This takes it further – it’s radical. Now success is: ‘I did my 15 – 30 minutes today.’

And of course, if you have several different things you’re applying the principle to, you can feel really good about yourself when you say: ‘I did a bit of this one, and some of that one, and a bit of the other one too.’

So next time you have a job you’re putting off, consider using radical incrementalism to get it done the easy way.

WORRYING IS A WASTTE OF ENERGY

Ways of Remembering,

Will I be able to afford it if my car needs repairs? Will my pension lose its value because of Trump? Will the seeds I’ve planted grow? Will my medical check up reveal something dire? Will there be another world war?

Once our minds start down this path, we can find hundreds of things, big and small, to worry about, and get ourselves into a fine old state, trying to work out contingency plans, or just getting more and more anxious. What a waste of energy!

All our worries are about what might happen in the future, yet we all know that the future is unpredictable. All our plans may fall apart, or everything might turn out well, or any mixture if these two extremes. The future is always uncertain.

Yes, we can think things through in advance, and do our best to prepare properly, but we can’t guarantee anything.

All out worrying does is make us anxious and uncomfortable, using up the energy we would need if there were to be something unexpected to deal with. Even if things turn out well, worrying beforehand leaves us in no fit state to really appreciate it.

We’ll never get it all right, have all go according to plan – that’s not how life works – there are too many moving parts, but the unexpected good things happen as well – that’s also how life works.

So let’s stop wasting our energy on worrying about what’s to come, and use it instead to make the most of the present.

LOOKING WITH FRESH EYES

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So much of our lives is ordinary: routines, our homes, our family and friends, the landscapes around us, our work. Our circumstances all become familiar and just accepted as being how they are. In fact, we hardly notice them unless something out of the ordinary happens.

But we could really appreciate them – or decide to change them if we look at everything with fresh eyes, a different perspective, and it becomes a voyage of discovery that is better than any holiday.

Take a moment to imagine you are coming into your home for the first time as a new visitor. What impression do you have immediately? How does it feel as an environment? What attracts your attention? Would you change anything?

Or imagine you have been locked away inside with no access to or view of the outside world, and go into your garden or street. What delights you? What do you see, as if for the first time? (Going out with a small child can help with this, if you let them lead the ‘adventure’.)

Or imagine what you would miss, if you didn’t have these friends, this family. What would that deprive you of that brings you joy?

Or be you at 85 years old, reminiscing about your life. What lovely memories would you have? What would you regret or change if you could?

This is such a fun way to rediscover your own world, to bring back to life all your own taken-for-granteds. See things differently in your own ordinary life by looking at it with fresh eyes and discovering its wonders.

THE LOVE HORMONE

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This is not some new supplement that we need to go out and buy. Its name is oxytocin, and we produce it naturally, whenever we feel love or connection, with other people, or with nature, animals etc., and lots when we hug.

It is a magical potion for us, improving our health and well-being, without any effort on our part. It improves our digestive system, it speeds up wound healing and it’s very good for the heart, so it’s a prevalent hormone throughout our bodies, and very busy looking after us!

Oxytocin also affects how we view other people. It makes us warmer towards others, more generous, and more trusting, which in turn improves our relationships with others and produces yet more of the hormone, not just in us, but also in them.

And it’s so easy to create all those great effects: any heart-centred gentleness, kindness, or affection does it automatically. So why wouldn’t we hug our friends, and family, love our pets, nurture our plants? It’s the perfect selfish act!

So next time you hesitate before giving someone a hug, get in there. Next time you get impatient at the checkout, smile at the till operator instead. Next time you’re out walking, stop and stroke a tree trunk, smell a flower. It will keep you healthy and happy.

(Thanks to David Hamilton for doing the research on this topic)

MOST FEAR IS A WASTE OF ENERGY

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We all have times when we feel fearful, but when we look back on it, many of those times the fear was unfounded.

Fear is sometimes used as an acronym for ‘false evidence appearing real.’ What does this mean? We usually fear things which are in the future, so they haven’t happened yet. So, much of the time, the evidence we use as a reason for being fearful is created by our minds. It may be based on some past experience, or on something others have told us, but even if there are some grounds for the fear, we often embroider it from that fear-based mindset.

For example, rationally, how can we be afraid of spiders? They are so small in comparison to us, yet they somehow become monsters in our minds!

What makes it worse is that some fear-based imaginings of what it will be like set us up to handle whatever it is badly. We have already git ourselves stressed and anxious before we even encounter the experience – not a good state to deal with something well, or even accept that it is actually fine.

Of course, there are times when the fear we feel is accurate. This fear is more gut-based than head- based. We do have a good intuitive knowing if something is unsafe or dangerous, but it is based on immediate circumstances, not future imaginings.

So just notice if the fear you feel is really a ‘what if…’ – that’s your head making up stories. And it won’t help you, even if there were some accuracy in it. Decide to assume the best, rather than the worst. That is not only likely to be more accurate, it will also save your energy for dealing with whatever happens.

THE HEART OF THE MATTER

Ways of Remembering,

I was watching an interview with Maya Angelou a few weeks ago. She always expressed ideas with such beautiful eloquence, and she came out with one that really hit home for me.

The interviewer started a question by saying: ‘The fact of the matter is…’ and she interrupted him. ‘The facts of the matter are the who, what, where, when, how,’ she said. ‘But that does not tell you the truth of the matter. The truth of the matter is in the heart.’

I love that simple exposition of what really matters. It is our feelings, our values, our intuition, that take us towards the real truth. Being factually correct doesn’t necessarily mean it’s right, or good.

You often see this played out in police procedural dramas. All the evidence seems to point to a certain person, yet there is a detective who says, ‘This doesn’t feel right,’ and goes on to find the real perpetrator.

In our everyday lives, we can be bamboozled by facts and forget to take notice of our intuitive reaction, which tells us that it isn’t right, or it doesn’t work for us.

It is important to learn again to listen to our hearts, our guts, and take notice of their wisdom. So next time you’re about to fall for the fact of the matter, just remember to stop and listen to that small inner voice – is it right or wrong for you? Let’s get to the heart of the matter.

USEFUL BELIEFS

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We don’t usually realise how many beliefs we have that affect how we live our lives, because we don’t express them as beliefs, we state them as truths or facts. For example: no-one understands me; I always get ill in winter; there’s never enough time to do everything; don’t trust a stranger; God doesn’t exist. I’m sure you have your own list, if you stop and think about it!

You can usually spot them if you begin to notice where you have generalised: everyone, always, never, no-one, all, etc.

And these beliefs cause arguments, conflicts and even wars, when they are contrary to what others believe. This is because most people think their belief is the truth, so a belief that contradicts it must be false, and the other person is wrong and needs correcting.

The fact that different people can have contradictory beliefs surely raises questions about the truth or rightness of either side.

I think we need to rethink how we look at beliefs. What we forget is that we all filter our experience. We can’t absorb   or be conscious of everything that is going on, so we narrow the field, and the way we tend to do that is through our beliefs. We collect evidence that we are right but miss out evidence that might contradict that belief. For example, if I think that most people are unfriendly, I will notice when people frown at me or push past me, but not notice the people who smile at me, or hold the door for me.

And of course, our beliefs can directly affect us by causing us to limit our own behaviour, so we don’t step out of our fears, and our self-imposed restrictions.

The good news is that, once we become aware of the problem with our adopted beliefs, we can consciously change our filters and therefore our beliefs.

So the question to ask about beliefs we have is not, is it true or false, right or wrong, but is it a useful belief to have, one which enriches our lives and empowers us. Once we ask ourselves this question – is this a useful belief – we can begin to identify which beliefs we have that do help us to live our lives well and reinforce them by continuing to collect evidence. And we can begin to deliberately moderate our less useful beliefs by actively looking for evidence of something that would improve our lives instead.

This can be fun, as well as enlightening, so have a go. You may be pleasantly surprised.

GROWING OLDER

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There are many ways in which we are insidiously told that growing older is likely to bring with it a reduced level of health, mental activity and resilience.

What we are not told so clearly is that growing older also brings with it the potential for a level of freedom and authenticity which is hard to achieve when younger.

We no longer have to fit in with the norms of society, in order to be accepted in our jobs, our roles. We can begin to explore who we really are, what is true for us, as opposed to what we have taken on in order to appear ‘normal’. We don’t have to live a 9-5 life, fitting our chores around our workdays.

We can spend whole days reading or gardening. We can stay up to watch a late-night movie, and sleep in in the morning. We can have lunch with friends, have our hair cut, when the shops and restaurants are less busy, during the week.

The detriments to being older are over-stated, and the advantages of being older are hardly mentioned. Yet they far outweigh the problems.

If we appreciate these everyday freedoms, if we allow ourselves to revert to who we truly are, with all our quirks and foibles, being older can be a wonderful chapter in our lives.

ROLE MODELS

Ways of Remembering,

I was watching a programme with Miriam Margolyes a while ago. She delights me: she’s outspoken, heartfelt, funny, honest – totally her own person. She is the sort of role model I like, as I grow older.

I believe we all have role models, whether we realise it or not. We follow the example of others, and different ones work for us at different stages of our lives, and ideally, they set the example for how we want to be.

When we are young, we tend to adopt the attitudes, behaviours, and beliefs of our parents. We’ve all had that experience, haven’t we, of going: ‘Oh my God! I sound just like my mother/father!’ – usually a bit horrified…

As we reach adulthood, we have more choices, and it is useful to choose with some awareness. Do they have similar beliefs and attitudes to you? Do they have some similar personality traits? And do they seem happy with how they are, comfortable in their own skin?

There is no point in choosing role models that are nothing like you – it won’t fit, no matter how hard you try to adopt their way of being. At best, it will make you feel divorced from your true self, even if you succeed in making yourself into some form of replica.

Having role models is a great way of encouraging yourself to grow into who you really are. They need to be like you, but a bit further along the path of growing into themselves.

Just watching them, listening to them, reading about them, helps to grow those traits in yourself that you want to develop.

Have some fun. Choose some role models for yourself as you are now, and enjoy becoming more like the you you really are.

BUSY OR PRODUCTIVE?

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Originally busy meant constantly in motion. – hence the phrase ‘busy as a bee’. It also had some not useful connotations, which we have carried forward in the word busybody – always sticking their nose in other peoples’ business,

And still we tend to say we’re busy when we’ve lots to do, but it implies a level of rushing from one thing to another, rather than getting things done. It reminds me of the Bing Crosby song: ‘We’re busy doing nothing, working the whole day through, trying to find lots of things not to do’.

On top of that, when we tell someone else that we’re too busy to join them in something, or stop and talk, it feels very dismissive, as if what they’re suggesting or asking for isn’t as important as the things you have to do.

The alternative is to be productive. This implies having some clear results, and gives us a different mindset. In order to feel productive, we need to have thought about what we want to achieve and how to go about it. it means we use our energy more effectively and go about things more methodically. We are more likely to complete tasks we set ourselves and to feel good afterwards.

Next time the word busy comes into your head, just stop and check – could you be productive instead? could you spare the time for this person and show that they matter to you? Unless of course you’re just busy doing nothing!

After all, the second verse of the song goes: ‘I’m busy going nowhere, isn’t it just a crime, I’d like to be unhappy but I simply don’t have the time’.