All posts by Di Kamp

THE LOVE HORMONE

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This is not some new supplement that we need to go out and buy. Its name is oxytocin, and we produce it naturally, whenever we feel love or connection, with other people, or with nature, animals etc., and lots when we hug.

It is a magical potion for us, improving our health and well-being, without any effort on our part. It improves our digestive system, it speeds up wound healing and it’s very good for the heart, so it’s a prevalent hormone throughout our bodies, and very busy looking after us!

Oxytocin also affects how we view other people. It makes us warmer towards others, more generous, and more trusting, which in turn improves our relationships with others and produces yet more of the hormone, not just in us, but also in them.

And it’s so easy to create all those great effects: any heart-centred gentleness, kindness, or affection does it automatically. So why wouldn’t we hug our friends, and family, love our pets, nurture our plants? It’s the perfect selfish act!

So next time you hesitate before giving someone a hug, get in there. Next time you get impatient at the checkout, smile at the till operator instead. Next time you’re out walking, stop and stroke a tree trunk, smell a flower. It will keep you healthy and happy.

(Thanks to David Hamilton for doing the research on this topic)

MOST FEAR IS A WASTE OF ENERGY

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We all have times when we feel fearful, but when we look back on it, many of those times the fear was unfounded.

Fear is sometimes used as an acronym for ‘false evidence appearing real.’ What does this mean? We usually fear things which are in the future, so they haven’t happened yet. So, much of the time, the evidence we use as a reason for being fearful is created by our minds. It may be based on some past experience, or on something others have told us, but even if there are some grounds for the fear, we often embroider it from that fear-based mindset.

For example, rationally, how can we be afraid of spiders? They are so small in comparison to us, yet they somehow become monsters in our minds!

What makes it worse is that some fear-based imaginings of what it will be like set us up to handle whatever it is badly. We have already git ourselves stressed and anxious before we even encounter the experience – not a good state to deal with something well, or even accept that it is actually fine.

Of course, there are times when the fear we feel is accurate. This fear is more gut-based than head- based. We do have a good intuitive knowing if something is unsafe or dangerous, but it is based on immediate circumstances, not future imaginings.

So just notice if the fear you feel is really a ‘what if…’ – that’s your head making up stories. And it won’t help you, even if there were some accuracy in it. Decide to assume the best, rather than the worst. That is not only likely to be more accurate, it will also save your energy for dealing with whatever happens.

THE HEART OF THE MATTER

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I was watching an interview with Maya Angelou a few weeks ago. She always expressed ideas with such beautiful eloquence, and she came out with one that really hit home for me.

The interviewer started a question by saying: ‘The fact of the matter is…’ and she interrupted him. ‘The facts of the matter are the who, what, where, when, how,’ she said. ‘But that does not tell you the truth of the matter. The truth of the matter is in the heart.’

I love that simple exposition of what really matters. It is our feelings, our values, our intuition, that take us towards the real truth. Being factually correct doesn’t necessarily mean it’s right, or good.

You often see this played out in police procedural dramas. All the evidence seems to point to a certain person, yet there is a detective who says, ‘This doesn’t feel right,’ and goes on to find the real perpetrator.

In our everyday lives, we can be bamboozled by facts and forget to take notice of our intuitive reaction, which tells us that it isn’t right, or it doesn’t work for us.

It is important to learn again to listen to our hearts, our guts, and take notice of their wisdom. So next time you’re about to fall for the fact of the matter, just remember to stop and listen to that small inner voice – is it right or wrong for you? Let’s get to the heart of the matter.

USEFUL BELIEFS

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We don’t usually realise how many beliefs we have that affect how we live our lives, because we don’t express them as beliefs, we state them as truths or facts. For example: no-one understands me; I always get ill in winter; there’s never enough time to do everything; don’t trust a stranger; God doesn’t exist. I’m sure you have your own list, if you stop and think about it!

You can usually spot them if you begin to notice where you have generalised: everyone, always, never, no-one, all, etc.

And these beliefs cause arguments, conflicts and even wars, when they are contrary to what others believe. This is because most people think their belief is the truth, so a belief that contradicts it must be false, and the other person is wrong and needs correcting.

The fact that different people can have contradictory beliefs surely raises questions about the truth or rightness of either side.

I think we need to rethink how we look at beliefs. What we forget is that we all filter our experience. We can’t absorb   or be conscious of everything that is going on, so we narrow the field, and the way we tend to do that is through our beliefs. We collect evidence that we are right but miss out evidence that might contradict that belief. For example, if I think that most people are unfriendly, I will notice when people frown at me or push past me, but not notice the people who smile at me, or hold the door for me.

And of course, our beliefs can directly affect us by causing us to limit our own behaviour, so we don’t step out of our fears, and our self-imposed restrictions.

The good news is that, once we become aware of the problem with our adopted beliefs, we can consciously change our filters and therefore our beliefs.

So the question to ask about beliefs we have is not, is it true or false, right or wrong, but is it a useful belief to have, one which enriches our lives and empowers us. Once we ask ourselves this question – is this a useful belief – we can begin to identify which beliefs we have that do help us to live our lives well and reinforce them by continuing to collect evidence. And we can begin to deliberately moderate our less useful beliefs by actively looking for evidence of something that would improve our lives instead.

This can be fun, as well as enlightening, so have a go. You may be pleasantly surprised.

GROWING OLDER

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There are many ways in which we are insidiously told that growing older is likely to bring with it a reduced level of health, mental activity and resilience.

What we are not told so clearly is that growing older also brings with it the potential for a level of freedom and authenticity which is hard to achieve when younger.

We no longer have to fit in with the norms of society, in order to be accepted in our jobs, our roles. We can begin to explore who we really are, what is true for us, as opposed to what we have taken on in order to appear ‘normal’. We don’t have to live a 9-5 life, fitting our chores around our workdays.

We can spend whole days reading or gardening. We can stay up to watch a late-night movie, and sleep in in the morning. We can have lunch with friends, have our hair cut, when the shops and restaurants are less busy, during the week.

The detriments to being older are over-stated, and the advantages of being older are hardly mentioned. Yet they far outweigh the problems.

If we appreciate these everyday freedoms, if we allow ourselves to revert to who we truly are, with all our quirks and foibles, being older can be a wonderful chapter in our lives.

ROLE MODELS

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I was watching a programme with Miriam Margolyes a while ago. She delights me: she’s outspoken, heartfelt, funny, honest – totally her own person. She is the sort of role model I like, as I grow older.

I believe we all have role models, whether we realise it or not. We follow the example of others, and different ones work for us at different stages of our lives, and ideally, they set the example for how we want to be.

When we are young, we tend to adopt the attitudes, behaviours, and beliefs of our parents. We’ve all had that experience, haven’t we, of going: ‘Oh my God! I sound just like my mother/father!’ – usually a bit horrified…

As we reach adulthood, we have more choices, and it is useful to choose with some awareness. Do they have similar beliefs and attitudes to you? Do they have some similar personality traits? And do they seem happy with how they are, comfortable in their own skin?

There is no point in choosing role models that are nothing like you – it won’t fit, no matter how hard you try to adopt their way of being. At best, it will make you feel divorced from your true self, even if you succeed in making yourself into some form of replica.

Having role models is a great way of encouraging yourself to grow into who you really are. They need to be like you, but a bit further along the path of growing into themselves.

Just watching them, listening to them, reading about them, helps to grow those traits in yourself that you want to develop.

Have some fun. Choose some role models for yourself as you are now, and enjoy becoming more like the you you really are.

STANDING UP TO A BULLY (OR TWO)

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I have a new hero – Volodymyr Zelensky. He is the one leader who had most to lose by refusing to be bullied, yet he did it.

Bullies are a scourge in society. They abuse what power they have, whether physical or political or hierarchical, to force others to act as they want them to. They use intimidation to get their own way and make others fear them. There are no redeeming features.

The only way to stop bullying is to stand up to them, and refuse to be intimidated. This takes courage – coming from the heart – and conviction. We somehow think that this is not possible, that they will get us some other way, but most bullies back down when their bullying doesn’t work, and others who have been bullied by them begin to stand with you when you make a stand. They can be stopped.

We have probably all encountered bullies in our lives: unpleasant people who lack intelligence, understanding and compassion. Often it is in childhood, when they haven’t yet learned that there is a more effective way to be in the world, and that can be forgiven – they may learn. But when they are grown men and women there is no excuse.

The best defence against bullies is developing a group of those similarly affected – you can only bully one at a time. Let’s hope that Zelensky discovers just how many others are willing to stand with him, and make the bully think again.

I believe that fairness, justice, courage, and straightforward goodness win out in the end. Let’s all send that belief into the world.

BUSY OR PRODUCTIVE?

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Originally busy meant constantly in motion. – hence the phrase ‘busy as a bee’. It also had some not useful connotations, which we have carried forward in the word busybody – always sticking their nose in other peoples’ business,

And still we tend to say we’re busy when we’ve lots to do, but it implies a level of rushing from one thing to another, rather than getting things done. It reminds me of the Bing Crosby song: ‘We’re busy doing nothing, working the whole day through, trying to find lots of things not to do’.

On top of that, when we tell someone else that we’re too busy to join them in something, or stop and talk, it feels very dismissive, as if what they’re suggesting or asking for isn’t as important as the things you have to do.

The alternative is to be productive. This implies having some clear results, and gives us a different mindset. In order to feel productive, we need to have thought about what we want to achieve and how to go about it. it means we use our energy more effectively and go about things more methodically. We are more likely to complete tasks we set ourselves and to feel good afterwards.

Next time the word busy comes into your head, just stop and check – could you be productive instead? could you spare the time for this person and show that they matter to you? Unless of course you’re just busy doing nothing!

After all, the second verse of the song goes: ‘I’m busy going nowhere, isn’t it just a crime, I’d like to be unhappy but I simply don’t have the time’.

SIGNS OF HOPE

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Like everyone else, I sometimes despair – about our world and its poor state, about our climate, about politics. But there are signs of hope, always, if we look for them.

Not everyone is kow-towing to Trump and his bullying. Canada, Mexico and China have all said ‘no, we are not saying, oh dear, what can we do when he tries to bully us.’ And a bunch of respected journalists in the US have resigned from their papers because they are accepting of Trump’s way and set up their own journal to say no.

And despite our weird weather patterns, the snowdrops are flowering in the garden, signalling spring, and there are signs of growth everywhere.

Looking for the signs of hope is important because that prompts us to be hopeful about other things. Hope is not a passive emotion – it prompts us into action, to create more hope and grow it into reality.

Whether that be encouraging and supporting those who are standing up for their rights and freedom, for decent values, or becoming more energised in our own little world, it makes a positive difference, not just to us, but to the world we live in.

I feel much more like clearing the winter debris from my garden, to find what else I have growing.. I feel more ready to encourage others to trust in themselves and their power, and believe even more strongly that we as individuals can make a difference in this world and help make it a kinder and better place.

So go find your signs of hope and let’s get going. It’s our world, let’s make it the way we all want it to be.

BUILDING UP YOUR ENERGY RESERVES

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We may pay attention to our physical fitness, or be aware of our mental health, but we don’t usually take great care of the foundational building blocks for both of these – our energy reserves.

This is something we can have control over, because we all know what increases our energy and what depletes it.

Energy is our life force. It feeds us physically, mentally and emotionally. And building it in ourselves is literally vital.

The ways we increase our energy is quite individual. We probably all benefit from a good night’s sleep, and healthy food, but then it needs to be tailor-made. Some feel better after an invigorating shower, others after a long soak in the bath. Some thrive on a session in the gym, others on a stroll in the park. The company of some people enlivens you, the company of others drains you. And we all have the things we love doing that makes us feel good, and those things that we have to push ourselves to do.

What we can all do is to become more aware of what increases our energy reserves and what leaves us with an energy deficit. If we feed into our lives as many things as possible to enhance our energy, it is easier to handle the times when we’re being somewhat drained – we have spare capacity, rather than running on empty.

And it doesn’t have to be difficult, complicated or time-consuming. It can be just five minutes sitting quietly, or watching something that makes us laugh (laughter is a great energy-giver), or treating yourself to the right piece of cake at the right time, or watching the birds at the bird feeder for a minute or two.

If we get in the habit of allowing ourselves to enjoy those little things that boost our energy, we automatically help ourselves to stay healthier, in every sense, and improve our lives.

So boost your energy in some simple ways today – and every day!