BEAUTY IS NOT PERFECTION

Ways of Remembering,

There have always been cultural versions of perfection that are almost impossible to match: skinny models; muscular bodies; social media influencers – so many versions. Yet this is not beauty.

Our beauty shines through when we forget what others may think of us, how we should look, or what we should do. It shows when we are comfortable in our own skin, and when we are just being, without any consideration of how it may appear to others.

This is why it is so much easier to describe a plant or tree or animal or baby as beautiful – they’re not trying to impress us, they’re just being.

If beauty were an ideal shape, size, appearance to aim for, there would be a universal definition for it, but there clearly isn’t. This type of attractiveness changes across history, across cultures.

Beauty is defined by the clear spirit behind it, someone or something in their element, being who or what they are.

When we write or draw something to impress other people, or we ‘dress to impress’, we are betraying our own essence.

When our words, our art, our manner, flow from the heart, we allow our beauty through.

So be beautiful today!

THE GOOD SIDE OF PREJUDICE

Ways of Remembering, ,

Being prejudiced is always seen as a bad thing. We think of people who are racist or sexist or homophobic etc. when we talk of people who are prejudiced.

Yet the word simply means making a judgement in advance and we all use prejudice all the time.

We ‘know’ if we are going to be bored in the meeting, or if we’re going to find something difficult to handle. We equally ‘know’ if we’re going to enjoy an event we’re attending or if we’re going to find something easy.

Our prejudices help us to navigate the world without having to start every experience from scratch and are based on previous experiences and things we’ve been told.

What we’re not aware of is the effect our prejudices have on how we approach whatever it is. If I think it’s going to be hard or unpleasant, I go into it with that mindset, looking for the evidence that I was right, and sometimes actually creating the proof I am looking for.

The opposite is equally true. If I expect it to be fun, easy, pleasant, that’s what I look for and help create. We tend to get what we expect to get – our prejudice.

So let’s approach as much as we can with useful prejudices: it will be interesting, enjoyable, easy; most people are friendly and helpful; I can usually work things out.

If we use positive prejudices to make our lives easier, we will get the best out of most situations.

GIVE IN BUT DON’T GIVE UP

Ways of Remembering, ,

It was hard to hear, last week, that Trump had decisively won the American election. Not only does it make you wonder about the values of half the American population, but also it will have an impact on the world.

But Kamala Harris’s concession speech reminded me of a principle we can all work to: ‘We concede the victory, but do not admit defeat.’

There are times when we all have to concede that we have failed to achieve what we set out to do, with the best of intentions. Bemoaning the fact that we failed, or blaming others for it, does not change that. We have to accept that it happened and give in to the loss.

However, that doesn’t mean that we have to give up completely. Rather than wasting energy on recrimination or regrets, we can accept how it is, and then use our energy to work out what we can do differently or instead, to achieve our intention.

This then becomes a creative endeavour, where we learn from what went wrong or didn’t work, and look for other possibilities. This works at a macro-level, – a major defeat in politics – but also at a micro-level – I upset a friend unintentionally, or I didn’t finish those tasks I set myself.

It is a waste of energy to allow a defeat of some kind to send you into despair. All that does is make you more likely to fail at even more and give up.

Instead, give in to the one failure and use your energy to make things work better next time.

THE ARTS MATTER

Ways of Remembering, ,

I watched a documentary by Melvyn Bragg a while ago. It was called ‘Art Matters’ and it gave compelling arguments for why we need to nurture our cultural life.

There were two that particularly caught my attention. The first was aimed at government. He pointed out that the arts contribute 6 per cent of our economy for a very small investment. How much more they could bring in if the grants for cultural projects had not been cut back to the bone!

The second was a reminder to all of us: the arts are a manifestation of imagination, whether it be a Shakespeare play or a pop song. Encouraging us to use our imagination, from early in childhood, and continuing to do so throughout our academic lives, is vital for our health and the health of our world.

Imagination is a way of connecting unlikely bedfellows and creating something different. We all have imagination, even if we don’t become great writers or artists.

Combining different tastes and textures to create a new meal; planting unusual combinations of flowers together; coming up with a different perspective on something – we do things like this a lot. And our dreams are always imaginative – how did Tom Cruise get to be at my birthday party?!

No matter what you look at in your home, someone imagined it and then designed and made it – how cool is that!

So encourage your imagination and that of your children – it could change the world.

IS TOTAL DESTRUCTION A DETERRENT?

Ways of Remembering,

Years ago, I was an active member of CND (Campaign for Nuclar Disarmament). The argument that having nuclear weapons was a deterrent never made sense to me.

Recently, I watched documentaries, a movie and a drama series about the creation of the nuclear bomb and Oppenheimer’s role. All of these question its effectiveness as a deterrent, and leave you horrified (as was Oppenheimer), at the monster that had been created and unleashed.

There is also a recent documentary called ‘Atomic People’, where survivors of the bombs on Japan describe what happened in horrifying and heart-breaking detail. These same people set up an anti-nuclear group and have just won the Nobel Peace Prize for it.

Where does the twisted logic come from, that says possessing these weapons of mass destruction deters others from using them on us? How can there be a competition to see which country can amass more of these terrible weapons?

If just one is unleashed, our world is changed forever – they are far more powerful now than they were in the 1940’s.

There was a brief period when there was talk of disarmament, a moment when maybe common sense would prevail. Yet it came to nothing.

It is time we stood up again and said no to spending billions on renewing weapons which we all hope will never be used, and instead spend the money on saving lives and making our world a better place to live.

It is time that one country was brave enough to take the first step and disarm their nuclear weapons, recognising that they are a threat to all our lives and our world, not a deterrent.

YOU ARE PERFECT JUST AS YOU ARE

Ways of Remembering,

Being human is a tough job. It means we have to learn to accept our own foibles, quirks and flaws, as well as our strengths, and most of us are really bad at doing both.

We learn to be modest about what we are good at, because otherwise it’s ‘boasting’ and ‘pride comes before a fall’. This tendency is exacerbated if what we’re good at seems ordinary rather than exceptional or highly valued by society. If you can make a tasty meal out of bits and pieces, if you find it easy to start a conversation with a stranger, or can out together a flat pack of something, you take it for granted, and assume others can as well. And of course, most things that we find easy, we tend to dismiss as being normal, or trivial.

Then there is that long list of things we’re not good at. I don’t remember the details of things; I can’t change a tyre; I’m terrible at drawing; I’m useless when it comes to arranging a bunch of flowers – the list goes on and on. We learn to feel bad about all the things we can’t do well, and to feel we’re not good enough.

What we don’t tend to notice is that everyone else has their own weaknesses – it’s part of being human. No-one is good at everything, and we all develop our own set of strengths. Each of us is unique.

We are all neurodivergent, with minds and bodies that work in their own individual way, easily absorbing some things and failing to take on others. And that’s okay. It makes us special.

So don’t worry or feel bad about your weaknesses. Find someone who’s good at whatever it is if you need to, and ask for help. We all like using our strengths.

And use your own strengths well. That way you can make your unique contribution to the world.

You’re a perfect huma being, just as you are.

WHAT WILL BE YOUR LEGACY?

Ways of Remembering, ,

A legacy was originally a message, delivered by a legate. It was an important communication that needed to be delivered by someone trustworthy.

Nowadays we talk of legacies as being what you leave behind for others when you are no longer with them, either because you leave that place of work or die.

If we were to revert to its original meaning, we would be more accurate, because we don’t usually talk about the wealth or possessions someone has left when they die, we talk about what their message, their impact was.

Our legacy will be what people remember about us when we are no longer there. It’s our personality traits, our effect on others that will be recalled.

Think about it for a moment. It is those who have taught you to be kinder and more compassionate to yourself and others who have given you their legacy. It is those who have encouraged you to develop the strengths you have and use them well who have given you their legacy. It is those who have shown you useful ways of making life better who have given you their legacy. It is those who have made the world a better place who have given you their legacy.

Mahatma Ghandi said, ‘My life is my message’. It is true for all of us. So make the best you can of your life, and leave a lasting, ,lovely legacy – it is priceless.

‘OUR LIFE IS WHAT OUR THOUGHTS MAKE OF IT’

Ways of Remembering, , ,

Marcus Aurelius said this, centuries ago – the wisdom has always been there.

I was reminded of this recently when my back was playing up. I was sitting in my conservatory being miserable when I looked out and noticed my first zinnia flowering in my garden – a lovely red and yellow bloom. That drew my attention to all the other lovely flowers making a cheery display. Was I going to be miserable because of my back or cheered up by the beauty in my garden? My choice…

We all have our ups and downs, but often forget that we always have a choice about what we pay attention to. There is almost always a reason to be happy and a reason to be pissed off. Once we’ve decided to be pissed off, we set a mood that finds even more things wrong. It knocks any probability of enjoyment or motivation out of our minds.

But once we decide to be happy about something, however small, it resets our mind to be more constructive, to deal with problems, to find ways of cheering ourselves up. It only requires that initial choice.

Don’t let your thoughts get you down. They are only thoughts and you can choose which ones to follow and which ones to discard. Remember that, as a child, you might fall over and hurt yourself, but were quickly distracted by a toy or a hug. You are still the same person. Distract yourself from being miserable and life will soon feel better again.

INTELLECT OR INTELLIGENCE?

Ways of Remembering, ,

Last week they gave our students their A level results. Some were delighted, some were disappointed. It made me think about the distinction between intellect and intelligence.

In the western world we have a tendency to admire the clever people – those who have attained several degrees and can do complicated things within their own field. But without intelligence, intellect is not particularly useful in living your life.

Intelligence is about the ability to learn as we go, cross-relating ideas or skills from one area to another, recognising what is useful and what isn’t, reviewing and learning from mistakes and successes. It is the pathway to wisdom.

This ability is not driven by academic learning – in fact academia often limits it. We talk about people being street-wise, i.e. they have learnt how to navigate their lives well, even if they are ‘uneducated’.

It is time we recognised intelligence as the most important skill we can have, in its fullest sense. This is not the same as having what they call a high intelligence quotient (IQ). That only measures a limited segment of intelligence. It is about recognising the full range of intelligence: intellectual, logical, emotional, creative, spatial, etc.

None of us have it all, but we can all aim to enhance what we do have. And we can learn from those who have a form of intelligence we are lacking in, regardless of their academic ability.

Our system of education had become more of a system of induction, teaching people to conform. Education originally means to lead out of people their natural abilities – let’s genuinely educate ourselves.

WE CAN DISAGREE WITHOUT BEING DISAGREEABLE

Ways of Remembering, ,

I simply cannot comprehend the violence and disorder in this country at the moment, calling itself protest. It has made me think about our individual behaviour when having a different point of view.

It is inevitable that we will differ in our opinions – we all have different beliefs and influences. Yet this doesn’t have to be a slanging match or worse – physical violence.

It is important to remember that this is someone’s point of view – not usually the essence of who they are. The unpleasantness comes from generalising and personalising the disagreement – moving from, ‘I don’t agree with you’ to ‘You’re stupid/wrong’.

This shift provokes defensiveness and can easily move to aggression – no-one likes being made wrong. It also means that there is no chance of an honest debate on the subject, or of having any influence on their point of view.

On the other hand, if we accept that we disagree, we may be able to both explain how we came to our point of view, and maybe influence each other in softening our line. Even if we still disagree on this particular topic, we may still be able to work together or be friends – we usually don’t disagree on everything!

Even when the disagreement is about core values – the person is homophobic or racist for example – it doesn’t benefit us in any way to be disagreeable with them.

Being disagreeable or violent is just unpleasant – it leaves everyone concerned with a nasty taste in the mouth. So yes, express your opinions, and disagree with others, but please, don’t be disagreeable.