IT’S TIME TO BOTH/AND!

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From when we are very young, we pick up the idea that life is all about choosing between alternatives, the ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ answer or decision. At school, we all learn quickly that there is a right answer to everything and that it is not acceptable to think outside the box.

Yet the majority of decisions we make in life do not have a clear-cut right answer. The person to partner with, the home we decide to take on, the job we apply for – in these sorts of major life decisions, we really don’t know if it’s the ‘right’ one or not. And we have the same dilemma at an everyday level: curry or pasta for dinner, household chores or visiting friends, do this task now or leave it till tomorrow..

If we stop and consider how we make decisions, we realise that we do a lot of binary thinking – the posh way of saying either/or! And our final decision is often driven by non-logical arguments we use with ourselves: better to be with someone than on my own; it’s what my mother would approve of; people will think I’m mean/lazy/selfish if I don’t – and so on.

Science got beyond this a long time ago, when it was discovered that, at a sub-atomic level, there was not a right answer, only possibilities: light could be both a wave and a particle, depending on the circumstance and what you were looking for.

What if we started to consider possibilities instead of alternatives?

The first thing that happens is that we begin to extend our choices. Instead of asking ourselves if we should do the household chores or visit friends, we start to ask:’ What could I do today?’ Now we can add in other things: do nothing; do some gardening while the sun is shining; go and buy that new freezer I’ve been thinking about.

By opening up our choices, we move our thinking patterns away from binary and habitual to a more creative possibility. Now we can consider the choice from a both/and point of view. For example, we may decide to do a couple of the more pressing household chores, then go to visit friends, and buy the freezer on the way!

At a life-changing level, we may decide that we can begin to experiment with that business we would love to get going, while still carrying on with our present job, or that we could reduce our hours at work gradually rather than just give the job up.

Both/and thinking extends our choices and helps us to bring more possibilities into our lives. It shifts our mind-set into a more creative place, where we can see how we could blend duty and fun, kindness and selfishness, the old and the new.

So start practising on a simple level. Don’t ask yourself: ‘Which should I do?’, ask yourself: ‘What could I do?’ Don’t ask yourself which choice is right, ask yourself: “How can I blend them together and have elements from each to make a new whole?’

If you feel you have no choice, you’re a victim. If you have to choose between two alternatives you are on the horns of a dilemma. And if you have more than two possibilities, you can create something new.

WHEN CHAOS REIGNS, WHAT DO WE DO?

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Living in Britain right now is not a pleasant experience. More of our taken-for-granted’s have been turned upside down than most people realise yet, as a result of power politics, fabrications and fear-mongering. At a time like this, it is hard to see a way through that will lead to anything good.

It is tempting to despair, to feel powerless, to give in to the fear. And yes, I have had my rants about corrupt politics, false democracy, short-sightedness and provoking the worst of people’s fears and prejudices.

And now it is time to take stock. We cannot undo what is done; we can only let the dust settle and see what we can do to make a positive difference to what we now have.

This level of chaos can happen to all of us personally during our lifetimes: we lose our job, or our home; our relationship breaks up or a loved one dies; we become seriously ill. Any of these will turn our world upside down and leave us in despair. Let’s apply the wisdom of learning from our personal experience to what’s going on at a national level.

What happens when we deal with a crisis well?

Firstly we need to step back and lick our wounds. That means allowing emotions to run their course and become more manageable, whilst treating ourselves gently to help ourselves to recover from the shock.

By stepping back, we are able to see what is left that we can use or salvage. So the next step is to take those things out of the chaos and identify what we can now create with them to use as our starting point. It will not be the same as before, but the chaos does tend to reveal some things we had forgotten about or taken for granted that can help us to deal with the situation. For example, friends rally round and offer support, and we re-discover our own passion and determination that had got buried in routine and habitual behaviour.

Now we have a foundation on which to create a revised version of our life that works better for us. Through the chaos, we discover what is really important to us, and what is just window-dressing. We realise which of our personal characteristics are most helpful to us, and which are just conditioned responses. And we recognise the genuine support we have from others and can let go of the ‘fair weather’ friends who are only there when everything is going well for us.

For most of us, when we look back at times of chaos in our lives, we can see that the chaos led to a better version of who we are and how our life is.

For now, chaos reigns in Britain. Let’s all play our part by letting the dust settle, allowing ourselves to recover, and then using our personal ability to create something better. Our government has been questionable, our financial institutions have been shaky, our social values have been corroded for a while. Maybe now we can help to ensure that we don’t have the same story in a slightly different form, but insist on upholding the things that really matter, and create a new and improved version of this world of ours.

WHO DO YOU TELL YOURSELF YOU ARE?

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I remember being told when I was at school that first impressions count, and I needed to be aware that people would make an instant judgement about me when they met me. (I was told this because I was not behaving ‘properly enough’ for a Queen’s School girl, as far as the headmistress was concerned, and would let the school’s reputation down!)

We all know we do that instant judgement: how someone is dressed, their manner towards us, the way they speak – these things all do give us an instant impression of the person, and we tend to react to them on the basis of this information.

As the object of such assessment on an everyday basis, what message are you giving about yourself? We can choose how we present ourselves to the world, although if we try to be something that doesn’t fit us, it is hard work for us and unconvincing for others.

However there is one person whom you are telling about who you are all the time, and that’s you! You are most influenced by how you choose to present yourself, and this is a gift, because it gives us an opportunity to easily help ourselves to be who we really want to be, in a way that fits us.

Every day you tell yourself who you are by what you choose to wear, what possessions you have in your home, how you treat yourself, how you treat others, what you give your attention to.

None of us are really a set personality, despite what those personality tests tell us! We are a mixture of characteristics, some obvious, some latent, and none of it is set in stone. I know – I was one of the shyest girls in my class at school, until the headmistress insisted that I read in assembly, because I was good at reading out loud. I got used to doing this, and found that big audiences didn’t hold any fear for me any more, and also that others in my school were so grateful that I did this job that they became more friendly towards me – it was the beginning of becoming the bold extrovert I am now!! (And clearly that headmistress did me some favours, as well as telling me off frequently for not being ‘proper’ enough!)

We can develop that mixture of who we are however we want to. And an easy way to break out of the spell of how we’ve been brought up to be is to represent a ‘hidden’ part of ourselves in how we dress, or what we decide to buy for our living room, or through an activity we experiment with.

Do you wish you could be more light-hearted? Buy a quirky tie to go with that grey suit, or an outrageous pair of earrings to wear for work! Do you wish you could be more outgoing? Smile at everyone you pass in the street for a day – actually catch their eye when possible and smile. Do you wish you could be more at peace? Find colours, music, objects, that help you to calm down, and fill your living room with such things.

Every time we put something on, do something, look at something in our immediate surroundings that we have put there, we are telling ourselves who we are. If we want to grow into our full beautiful selves, we can help the process by surrounding ourselves with the richest possible expression of who we are.

Don’t limit who you think you are to the version you thought you ought to be or were told you were. You are a wonderful rich tapestry of characteristics – be who you really are in all its glory!

HAVE YOU GOT A SACRED SPACE?

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We all know what someone means when they describe somewhere as a hellhole, yet I don’t think we are as clear about what it means to have a sacred space. We get it muddled with religious things instead of recognising sacred spaces as essential to our well-being.

Sacred means holy or blessed. It has come to be associated with churches and temples, yet there are so many more sacred spaces than that – and not all those spaces designated as sacred have the real feeling of a truly sacred space.

For me, a sacred space has the immediate effect of calming and quieting me. It has an atmosphere imbued with peace and comfort, where we can settle and re-centre ourselves. It is by this effect that I would say we recognise the sacred spaces.

They may be old churches or cathedrals, they may be Buddhist or Hindu temples, they may be a synagogue or a mosque – any such buildings that seem to have the air and stones filled with peace and goodwill.

On the other hand, a sacred space could be out in nature – maybe a site of ancient worship, or maybe just a place blessed by being allowed to maintain its natural state of grace, calm and perspective. There are meadows, woodlands, hilltops, valleys, riverbanks, beaches, that just elicit an ‘Aaah!’ from us when we reach that space and sit in it for a moment.

These sacred spaces are important for our well-being. When life is busy, hectic, turbulent, we all benefit from a little while in a place that exudes calm.

So recognise and take advantage of the ones that work for you, and seek them out, to soothe your soul.

And consider the possibility of creating a sacred space of your own. I created a labyrinth in one of my gardens – you don’t need to go that far!! Just dedicate a small part of your garden, or of an indoors room, as a sacred space for you. Put beautiful, peace-provoking things in it to look at or feel, and make it easy to sit there for a while. Give it your own blessing, in your own way.

We all deserve moments of peace and calm in our lives, and sacred spaces give us that for free, so use them and add your moment of peace to the sacred atmosphere there.

HAVE YOU NOTICED THE FREE GIFTS COMING YOUR WAY TODAY?

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When I visit Maui, it is impossible to ignore the free gifts we all get offered every day, because they are there in front of me – and maybe that is because I am not being busy with my life, and therefore take the time to notice them. I’m talking about the weather that enables our plants to grow. I’m talking about the fruit and vegetables we have to eat as a result of that weather – OK, I know that in the UK we have to pay for them unless we grow our own!

Then there are trees and flowers with their individuality, beauty and changing nature, there are hills and mountains, beach and sea – landscapes of all types to delight the eyes. And what about the birds that sing, the butterflies that dance around the flowers, the bees gathering nectar – so many beautiful things that we can appreciate at no cost.

Just spending a little while noticing what the world offers us to enjoy for free is a great way of feeding our soul, and there is always something available. I watched a lovely little video where people in a not very pleasant neighbourhood were given an empty picture frame and asked to find something beautiful to frame with it. By looking around and up instead of just walking through, they all found something to frame. (This group does lots of great things like this. If you want to take a look, here’s the link to their site: https://www.youtube.com/user/soulpancake ).

Noticing these free gifts gives us a little space in our hectic lives, a chance to regain some perspective. When you watch the birds, the plants, the stars, they exemplify the natural way of being in the world. They don’t rush, they don’t struggle against how things are, they don’t worry about what might happen next! They remind us that we are natural living beings too, even if we are not conscious of it.

There is also something calming about the rhythm of nature: rain on the window, wind in the trees, birds flying – it all has a soothing effect on us and quiets down our bodies and minds.

So give yourself five minutes every day just to notice and appreciate the gifts of the world around us, and allow yourself a little break from the pressures of everyday life.

 

‘What is this life if, full of care,

We have no time to stand and stare.

No time to stand beneath the boughs

And stare as long as sheep or cows.

No time to see, when woods we pass,

Where squirrels hide their nuts in grass.

No time to see, in broad daylight,

Streams full of stars, like skies at night.

No time to turn at Beauty’s glance,

And watch her feet, how they can dance.

No time to wait till her mouth can

Enrich that smile her eyes began.

A poor life this if, full of care,

We have no time to stand and stare.’

By William Henry Davies

HUGS

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Anyone who knows me will know that I’m a ‘touchy-feely’ person, as one of my colleagues described me. I tend to make physical contact with people when I’m with them, and I love hugs! They are a simple and direct way of expressing love – no messy awkward words, just a warm embrace.

Do you give and get hugs enough? Several years ago, we did an event for Comic Relief where we gave out almost free hugs in the city centre; a donation of any kind got you a big heartfelt hug. It was both heart-warming and heart-breaking. There were people who said they hadn’t been hugged for over a year; there were teenagers who came back for second and third go’s; there were parents who sent their children forward for a hug. We hugged so many people that our arms ached at the end of it! It felt as if we were offering a public service that was desperately needed, and appreciated. Yet we are all capable of giving a hug to someone.

The benefits of hugs are enormous, to the giver and the receiver: both automatically release oxytocin into their bloodstreams with a heartfelt hug. This affects us emotionally – we feel happier – and also physically: it helps us to stay healthy. And hugs are a form of communication that goes past the ‘edges’ that can develop between us and goes to the core of just showing affection.

Now not everyone is a hugger – some people shrink away from that full embrace. The colleague I mentioned earlier, who said I was touchy-feely was just embarrassed if I went to hug him. So we developed a different form. He would lightly punch my arm and I would hold his fist there for a second or two with my hand. Sounds daft doesn’t it! But even that much physical contact makes a difference to how we feel, more than words ever can.

So put an arm round a shoulder, touch an arm, hold a hand for a moment, or go for that big hug, and share a moment of that health-giving connection – it’s good for all of us!

THE FULL CONNECTION

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Recently I have been reminded of how much difference it makes to our connection with others to be able to be with them, in the same space.

I went to see Nigel Kennedy play his latest version of The Four Seasons by Vivaldi. The man is outstanding as a violinist and elicits divine music from his instrument, but seeing him live is a far bigger experience then just hearing him play. He is delightful, down-to-earth, funny and engaging, and he creates far more than just his music. He inspires those who play in his orchestra to give of their best as well, and makes everyone feel part of a special experience. It is so much more than you could ever get from a recording!

Although I don’t know him personally, I feel as if we are connected, and my soul is fed by his humanity as well as his music – a double whammy of delight.

I have also recently had the chance to spend time with a darling friend whom I only see occasionally. We talk often on the phone and are very close, but live a long way from each other. That closeness is enriched every time we do actually meet up. Being physically there with him allows us to feel connected in a way that a phone call can never do. Words cannot replicate the experience of actually being with someone you love and who loves you – in fact, words are the least of it. There is a visceral, heart-led level of communication that only happens when we are in the same physical space.

Now there is a caveat: this effect is true whether it is a positive or negative experience, because the amplification of our reactions and emotions happens in both directions. So it is important to differentiate between those you already feel positively about and those you already feel negatively about. On the other hand, if we go into a situation with someone else we’re not sure of with an open heart, open to the possibility of it being an enrichment of our relationship, then it is often a way of enhancing the relationship by connecting at the level of our common humanity.

At the very least, give yourself the delight, whenever possible, of making this full connection with those who feed your soul. We are designed, as humans, to make this type of connection with each other, and to thrive on it. We are depriving ourselves and others if we limit our contact to recordings, emails, Facebook, phones.

There is nothing that lifts the spirit like a full connection with someone – so get as much of it as you can!

THE RIGHT TIME

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We all know that time doesn’t exactly work like its supposed to. Our chronological description of time, carefully measured in seconds, minutes, hours, doesn’t match with our actual experience of it. Sometimes a minute seems like ages, and sometimes an hour flies by and we wonder where the time went. This makes our lives more complex because we have to balance our experience of time with the expectation that we will work to the clock, so we can coincide with others in meetings, mealtimes, train timetables etc.

And there is another version of time as well, that most of us ignore, because there’s enough to handle already! Yet it is related to our real experience of time and can be very useful to us, should we choose to rediscover it.

The ancient Greeks had two words for time. There was ‘chronos’, the measurement of time passing – where we get chronological from. And there was also ‘kairos’, which means the right time – we have no real equivalent in modern language.

This version of time is the one that astrology is related to. It is where everything is aligned to give us the opportunity to do something easily, effortlessly, in the right way.

When we happen to hit the right time, we generally see it as a coincidence or happy accident. For example, we decide to call someone who is never available and they answer the phone with time to talk, or we put our house up for sale and it is snapped up straight away.

Yet we do not have to hope for the happy accident – we have an innate sense of kairos. We can learn to listen to ourselves and follow our feelings to help us to use kairos to make our lives easier. Our sense of kairos doesn’t come from our reasoning heads. They tend to work to chronos, and give themselves away by saying things like: ‘I should do xxx this morning’ or ‘I need to tackle that issue with the kids this evening’. If there’s a should, ought, got to, must, need to in there, it’s not likely to be kairos – those words refer to the logical version of time, not the perfect opportunity.

The sense of kairos comes from our guts, and bypasses our reasoning, our logic. Science has now proved that we have what they call the enteric brain: neurotransmitters in our guts that are exactly like those in our brains. And it seems that we receive initial information about the world around us here first – gut instinct is alive and well, and a proven fact!

This awareness of the perfect opportunity for something is, I believe, an amalgam of information that we don’t realise consciously that we receive, a wisdom that we often don’t recognise in ourselves. It is an instantaneous assessment of both our state and information from the world around us that gives us an accurate conclusion – either this is the right time or it isn’t.

So next time you feel that gut response that says to avoid the motorway route, follow it. Next time you suddenly think of an old friend, give them a call. Get in the habit of listening to your gut responses and follow them whenever you can, and you will find that kairos is available to you, and can make your life easier.

YOU’RE INFECTIOUS!

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We talk sometimes about someone’s laugh being infectious – did you know that it really is? I love this bit of science, because it says so much about what we’re really like as humans.

So, in our brains, we all have something called mirror neurons. Thye detect the facial expression of others and switch on our facial muscles to mirror their expression. We may not exactly reproduce their smile or frown, but the micro-muscles that create that expression are switched on and begin to move. And the micro-muscular movement in our faces is directly driven by our emotions at the time – it can’t be disguised. We all know that we can tell the difference between a false smile and a real one, and our mirror neurons are what detect the difference for us – we mirror it and then feel the difference in ourselves.

This is a level of biological empathy that we may not be aware of, but it is built into us. Scientists believe that it is part of our survival mechanism: we need to relate to and understand others in order to thrive, and by re-creating their facial expressions in ourselves, we get a sense of what they’re feeling and therefore how to respond to them.

This is one of the reasons why communication is so much more effective when it’s face-to-face – we are much more aware of what is going on with the other person, because we are replicating it in our bodies. It also explains why moods are ‘catching’, and whole groups of people can be affected by someone’s mood at the time.

So since we are so powerful, let’s use it for the good! If I know that others will pick up on my facial expression and therefore my mood, I can consciously choose to shift my state to a good one. If I am feeling frustrated standing in a queue, I can choose instead to use the time to spread some friendliness to those around me. If I am feeling fed up today, I can look for someone who looks happy, and let them infect me! And when I’m feeling good, then I can catch the eye of others and give them a dose of my good mood!

Come on, let’s infect the world with our good moods, and lighten our life!

DOING NOTHING

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Do you ever do nothing? I was thinking about doing nothing today, and I realised that it has two very different connotations, neither of which is very useful.

  1. ‘I did nothing today’ implies that you wasted your day, achieved nothing worthwhile.
  2. ‘Just do nothing’ implies sitting in some form of calm meditative state that most of us never manage to reach.

Behind both of these connotations is the concept of some sort of failure on our part, of not being good enough.

In the first example, we berate ourselves for not doing anything ‘important’. We may have allowed ourselves to relax, watch a movie or read a book, instead of household chores. We may have talked with a friend for a while, played with the dog – and we discount all of these things by calling them nothing! Should we not be proud of ourselves for breaking out of the spell of duty and obligation, and for giving ourselves a bit of a breather, where we can recover from the pressure we usually put ourselves under!

In the second example, we berate ourselves for being no good at something that most people find really difficult – a level of stillness of the mind and body that Buddhist monks spend years of training to achieve. Yet all of us do sometimes reach that quieting of the busy mind – maybe by gardening or walking in the countryside, or listening to music we love.

So I thought that it was time we took on a third, more useful connotation of doing nothing. Doing nothing means not doing anything because I had to do it, from obligation, duty or self-pushing. It means I’ve only done what I felt like doing.

Now that’s better isn’t it!

I find that if I allow myself to sit and stare out of the window for a while in the morning, something begins to motivate me to action. I might decide to clean that window, or to write a blog, or to clear some of that post that’s piled up.

And if I stop whatever I’m doing when I’ve had enough of that, and allow myself to sit down with a cup of coffee and a book, rather than feeling I must finish now I’ve started, my energies re-gather in me, and there comes a point where I’m off again. This time I may finish whatever it was, or I may do something different.

What is happening is that I am following my natural ebb and flow. That means that what I do is done easily and effectively, and I stay in a relaxed yet energised state.

It’s not easy to trust our natural wisdom like this – we have been taught to over-ride it since early childhood – but it is a far better way to maintain a healthy balance in our lives.

So let’s redefine doing nothing. It means:

  1. Doing things I enjoy, that are relaxing, that enhance my relationships and my life
  2. Doing things that calm my mind and give me a break from its chatter
  3. Doing what I feel like doing, for as long as I feel like doing it

Come on let’s all do lots of nothing!!