BREAKING THE CIRCLE

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I can’t condone killing – it is surely always wrong. So, like everyone else, I find senseless bombing or shooting of people abhorrent. And at the same time, I can’t condone the reaction of ‘let’s bomb those devils’ either, for the same reason – it’s killing.

World War 1 went on for four years, World War 2 for six years. How long now have we been fighting ‘the war on terror’ to no avail? Surely we can learn something from history, and realise that we need to try something different. And surely with our global communications and information now, there are some different and useful ideas out there.

I was watching a couple of episodes of Dr Who last night, about the Zygons – I know, what is this tangent? In the story, Dr Who gives an impassioned speech that stops the killing that is going on and makes everyone think again. In it he points out that even if you win the war, there will be another revolution, and others will rebel against the ruling group, so war is just perpetuated. He suggests that we just need to sit down and talk, that people making real contact with each other will find a different way. It’s only a story, yet isn’t it time that we at least used our brilliant minds to see if it is possible?

Instead we are fed battle talk, fear stories, and posturing on all sides. Our governments act as if we are innocent victims, yet threaten the enemy with weapons and might. They also kill, and we sit by and say little when we have no interests in the areas where innocent people are being killed – think Palestine, Africa, Syria etc.

There have been examples of taking a different tack: in South Africa, in Northern Ireland, with Iran… it may not work perfectly, but for sure it is better than constant war and war-mongering.

I am glad that there have been a few examples on the news of Parisian reactions that were not outrage or fear but courage and warmth: the father telling his child that the candles and flowers for those who died were more powerful than weapons; the man who said that they had taken his wife and child, so he wasn’t going to give them his hate as well.

We can refuse to be intimidated, we can refuse to think that everyone who is Muslim is a threat to us, we can look for ways of building peacefulness and we can show love and warmth and consideration to others.

It is time to break the circle of fear and threat, and we do that by behaving differently. I know, I’m an old hippy, all about peace and love – but I am not stupid – if fighting and frightening worked, we would all be living in peace now – we’ve done it for long enough!

FRIENDSHIP

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Coincidentally, over the last few weeks, several ‘old friends’ have reappeared – how wonderful is that! We hadn’t quite lost touch but we haven’t really caught up with each other in a long time, until now.

And with each one, it has been a delight to talk again, and to share stories. It’s like settling back into a familiar comfy armchair, because we have just picked up the friendship where we left off: the familiarity, the ease of conversation, the affection.

It has made me reflect on how we build a friendship, how it grows into that comfy place that stays there even when there are long gaps – clearly this doesn’t happen by befriending on Facebook!

I started by looking up the original meaning of the word friend. It is formed from the past participle of the Old Norse word for to love, and means beloved, someone you join with in love and intimacy. So we don’t really build a friendship, do we: we find friends, those people we come across that we have some sort of instant connection with, and then we either nurture that connection or let it go.

To me, nurturing that connection means that we start by expressing in some way that feeling of connection, to check out if it is mutual. This may be verbally: ‘I think we could be friends..’, or just through showing our pleasure in their company.

It also means that, in the first place, we actively seek to spend time with the person, to get to know them, and allow them to know us. Now this may sound a bit like dating, but I think there is a fundamental difference. With dating, we want the other person to like us, so we will tend to show only our best side. When we are nurturing a friendship, we are looking to share our world and be accepted for who we really are, warts and all, and to offer the same degree of acceptance to the other person.

This implies a level of risk: we allow them to see our foibles, our weaknesses, not just our good bits. It also means that we accept their reality as well, because we are interested in the whole of their world, not just the parts that are similar to ours.

At the same time, there is a wondrous permission in true friendship, a level of mutual, acceptance that we can both thrive on. My friends see the worst of me and bring out the best in me, because we respond to each other from a place of love, not a place of obligation or pretence.

Through establishing this deeper level of getting to know each other, we strengthen that initial connection into a lasting bond between us. Then we have something that can last a lifetime, that endures even when there is a lack of contact for a while.

Friendships are special – they are based in love and shared values, not shared experiences or behaviours. We nurture them and grow them by being truly ourselves and allowing our friends to do the same.

So when you come across one of those connections, do some nurturing, grow the bond between you, and enjoy the richness it brings to your life.

Thank you, my friends!

 

‘ARE YOU SITTING COMFORTABLY?’

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‘Then I’ll begin…’ It was the start of story-time on children’s hour when I was little, and we would all settle down to enjoy the story. For some reason it re-appeared in my memory this week, and prompted me to think about what being comfortable means.

It’s surprising at first when you look at its etymology: it means originally to be in your own strength. We think of being comfortable as being relaxed, at ease, rather than strong. And when you think about it some more, you realise that it is a form of strength that we don’t usually recognise or use, given us to help us to live our lives well.

So let’s explore it some more. When we feel physically comfortable, we are more likely to be in the flow mentally, and emotionally balanced. This is because the body reflects directly how we are feeling and cannot be controlled by our conscious mind; it shows us whether something is right or wrong for us by its reaction, if we choose to listen to it.

How useful is that!! I don’t have to try and work it out through my thinking: that mind that can argue the case for almost anything! I can just notice how my body is feeling, use a simple question to myself: ‘ Is my body comfortable with this?’

And if it isn’t, then we can use it to help us to improve the situation. If we know how our body feels when we are comfortable, then we can adjust ourselves physically until we get those feelings, and our emotions and our mind will automatically re-balance themselves, and we will easily think of an alternative way of handling the situation.

So begin by noticing when you are comfortable. What are you like physically – your shoulders, your belly, your breathing? And appreciate the effect that physical comfort has on your mental and emotional state.

Then notice when you slip out of comfort, and how different it feels physically. Begin with the simple everyday events that cause this slip: thinking about dinner tonight and not being in the mood to plan something to eat; the phone ringing when you are in the middle of something else; seeing 50 emails drop into your in-box in the morning. And just step away for a moment and get yourself physically comfortable again: now what are you going to do about it? By practising regaining your comfort on small things, you develop the habit of using being comfortable as a mechanism to reduce the stresses of life and to tap into your own ability to deal more constructively and imaginatively with the things that life throws at you.

We were born with this wondrous gift – let’s use it. Are you sitting comfortably? Now let’s begin!!

SPENDING TIME

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Have you noticed that we describe time in the same way as we do money: spending, wasting, saving, not enough, running out of. It makes sense because our time is a similar resource: we have a clear ‘budget’ of 24 hours in a day, and once it’s gone, we can’t sneak in an extra couple of hours from another day!

So what do we spend our time on? Do you stop and think about it? Every day, we have the chance to start afresh, with a new budget of hours, and use our time well. To me, this means that we need to consider what we want to feel like at the end of the day, and then decide what will make it likely that we will feel that way.

Of course, we usually have some things that are ‘fixed costs’ in our daily budget of time- sleeping, meals, work – yet we all have some ‘spare’ time that we can make choices about. Do I watch random TV at the end of the day, because I’m tired, or do I watch something that inspires me or makes me laugh? Do I do the housework, or do I spend my time with friends or family?

If we stop to think in terms of how it will make us feel, rather than automatically ploughing through the habitual list of things to get done in the day, we can change the nature of our days. And it is obvious that we haven’t thought this through properly, because we now have so many ‘time-savers’ like internet shopping, washing machines and driers, our own cars rather than public transport etc. etc. When this advance was talked about before it happened, the prediction was that we would all be able to work fewer hours, and have much more leisure time to do what we wanted. Yet we all seem to be busier than ever! My mum had more to do physically than I do – food shopping for her was three times a week by bus – yet she had more time to talk with neighbours, to play a board game with us kids…

If we are saving time, what are we saving it for? What are we spending this spare time on? I don’t know about you, but I know I would prefer to spend it on things that make me feel good at the end of the day.

So let’s start with the fundamentals: what use of my time makes me feel good at the end of the day? You need to consciously think about this and create your own repertoire, so that you have a clear idea of what is good use of your time for you, and can spend any time you save wisely.

It will probably be a mixture of categories, which you adjust according to the demands of that particular day, and your mood in the morning, to give you a balance in the day. For example, if I have been working all day, I may want to spend some of my spare time doing something physical instead of mental, or I may want to do something relaxing and quiet.

Possible categories of daily activities for your repertoire

I have developed a set of categories that help me to find a balance in my days, so they may be a useful starter for 10 for you.

  1. I like to feel I’ve achieved something in the day: done some work, done some writing, answered some emails, sorted or cleared something (Careful! This list can take over!) So I choose 1 or 2 priorities in a day.
  2. I like to have spent some of my time doing something physical: pilates, a walk, some gardening. It feels good to use my body and nowadays that isn’t built into our normal days like it was for my mum.
  3. I like to have spent some of my time in contact with others: time with friends or family, phone calls, chatting to the sales assistant – something which is proper human interaction (facebook doesn’t count!)
  4. I like to have some stimulation in my day, something to get my creative mind going: writing, a documentary or article on something that interests me, a good conversation.
  5. I feel good if I can just be for a little while, time to keep it all in perspective, to assess where I’m up to.
  6. And I feel good if I have allowed myself some time to just relax and do something I enjoy: a good movie, reading a good book, pursuing a hobby.

This sounds like being busy all day when I spell it out like this, doesn’t it! And of course in some sense it is – after all we do all use our time each day in some way or another. The difference is that by thinking about the different ways in which I can use my time, I am more likely to keep a balance and not waste my time on things that don’t enrich my day.

Notice that some of the things we have been taught to think of as a waste of time are really valuable. Waste of time seems to have become linked to not having a result or product that is tangible, instead of what is truly a waste of our time – engaging in activities that don’t add anything to our feeling of well-being. Which is better for our soul, clearing our in-box or taking 15 minutes to stroll in the fresh air on a pleasant autumn day?

The criterion for whether something is a waste of time is not the activity itself, it’s how you feel at the end of it.

And remember that often the things that make all the difference to how we feel at the end of the day don’t actually use that much time. Just 15 minutes of sitting back and just drifting can make us feel so much better when we resume what we were doing. And some categories can be catered for in one activity: I can be with friends and have stimulating conversation, and relax – what good use of my time resource!!

So, how are you spending your time today? You can’t save it for tomorrow: the budget disappears at the end of each day. And each morning you have a new budget, so there is always another chance to choose to spend your time in a way that makes you feel good, and sends you to bed saying: ‘That was a good day!’

 

WHAT ARE YOU NOTICING?

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I am still surprised by how different our interpretations of the world around us can be. It is a fascinating phenomenon that brings into question whether there is such a thing as a set reality or the truth of the matter, because whatever you consider to be ‘the fact’, someone else believes the opposite.

When I was studying with John Grinder, he gave me an invaluable way of approaching this. He suggested that, rather than trying to prove whether something was true or right, we paid attention instead to whether it was useful to us to believe that it was true or right.

This takes us to recognising the effect of that belief on us: whether it makes us feel better or worse; whether it enhances our attitude or behaviour or leaves us suspicious, disempowered, miserable.

I used to be someone who ‘knew’ that life was stressful, that the world was messy, that we were victims of circumstance – the list goes on and on! I had absorbed a lot of the cultural norms for how I viewed the world and the effect on me was pretty disastrous! I found life hard, the days full of problems or potential problems, and if I lifted my head above my daily concerns, the state of the world looked rather awful as well. I was a prime candidate for his message!

So I began to gradually shift my perspective, looking for more useful things to notice, so that I could begin to change my beliefs about how things were. I began to notice how much of what I did worked fine, how many people were pleasant and kind, what good things were happening in the world.

This doesn’t mean denying the bad bits and living in cloud cuckoo land. It is just about a re-balancing of perspective, so that you feel more able to handle the crap that comes your way with a more constructive attitude, because you can see that the crap is not the full story.

So just consider your average day, and notice how much of it goes well: you can eat and drink things you like for your meals; you are generally healthy; you enjoy the company of most of those you spend time with; your work or other activities are mostly straightforward for you to achieve; you get pleasure out of your leisure time. Of course there are glitches occasionally, but most of it is pretty good. (And if it isn’t, then for goodness’ sake do something about it!) If you notice and appreciate what works in your life, it feels better and you can enhance your energy to deal with those glitches.

And don’t allow the tendency of our media to emphasise the disasters and horrid human behaviour to colour your whole view of the world. Find out about the good things that are happening: the kindness of people, the innovative approaches to problems, the only newspaper I read is called Positive News and I find it an enlightening re-balancing of reporting, telling me about the good things in our world.

I’m not proposing this adjustment of what you notice and pay attention to in order to turn us all into naïve optimists – or maybe I am! Because it is optimists who enjoy their lives, and more than that, make a difference in the world. They are only called naïve by cynics!

It is useful to believe that your life works pretty well, that people are generally good, that things can and do get better. It encourages you to notice what confirms these beliefs and to actively take part in building those confirmations.

Come on, let’s count those blessings, and believe life is good – isn’t it what we’re here for?

 

YOUR ENERGY BANK

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Have you ever noticed how your energy levels vary significantly from day to day, week to week? I think of it as being like a bank account: sometimes there’s quite a healthy balance and then a big bill comes in and you’re back in the red again! I find this a useful analogy because it reminds us that we need to monitor our energy bank balance, just as we do our financial affairs.

We need the basic regular incoming of energy: the ways in which we give ourselves energy to fulfil our daily requirements. There are the straightforward physical needs: sleep, food, drink, and physical movement. Then there are the metal stimuli to keep our minds active and alert, which may be our work, reading, or crosswords and Sudoku! And the third category is those things that give us emotional energy: good conversation, activities we really enjoy, giving and receiving love and affection.

These categories of energy supply are like three different sources of income, and we need input from all three to ensure we have a good energy balance. It is not enough to keep one of these topped up, and neglect the others, because it is the combination of them that forms our energy levels. So to maintain our regular ‘income’ of energy, we need to ensure that we actively build our energy physically, mentally and emotionally.

As we become aware of how we can actively fulfil our energy requirements, we begin to accumulate a repertoire of ways of enhancing our energy levels, should we need to, or want to. And the good thing about energy income is that we can easily increase our income: it is not dependent on outside sources, it is within our control to enhance those levels through things we choose to do or not do.

Then we need to assess what drains our energy, empties the account. You do know this: there are certain activities and interactions that leave us feeling drained or use up a lot of our energy. The first question is, can we limit those or even eliminate them? Usually these energy-drainers are linked to things we do out of duty or obligation. Now I’m not suggesting that we don’t do them any more – unless we really don’t need to and only do it from force of habit – but we can certainly reduce their impact.

If you want to maintain your good relationship with your aunt/brother/old friend, but find them draining, arrange to see them in a way that allows you to limit the time you spend with them. If you need to sort your emails regularly, but it’s an activity you don’t like, then allocate specific times to it. What we can also do, having reduced the impact of our energy-drainers, is make sure we have some energy boosters in place for either before or after, or both!

And as we become more aware of what empties our energy account fast for us, we can be more careful about how many of those drainers we allow into our lives. Many of us have too many energy expenditures and it is hard to keep that balance topped up.

I want to make a final point about our energy banks. The sources of energy for us, and the things that drain us, may not be consistent. Sometimes going for a walk is just what we need, and sometimes that would be just a step too far, so to speak! Sometimes a friend’s company re-energises us, and sometimes we just want to be quiet and on our own to recover our energy levels. So keeping your energy bank balance healthy requires staying aware of your own wisdom and intuition.

When our energy levels are down, we don’t think straight, or feel good, and everything can become draining, causing enormous overdraughts on the account very quickly. The good news is that there are always sources of energy within our control, no matter what’s going on in our world, so when we are feeling drained it is always possible to do something about it.

Identify your sources of energy, use them, keep topping up your balance, and life gets easier. Go on, find an energy topper now, and allow yourself to use it!!

MOST PEOPLE ARE LOVELY

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I’ve recently had occasion to meet lots of new people while doing some work in Glasgow. It’s been a good reminder that there is reason to be optimistic about our world, because most people are lovely. The participants on the programmes I was running, the hotel and restaurant staff, taxi drivers, airport staff, fellow guests and travellers, and people on the street – all of them I encountered were friendly, helpful, and made my trips easier and more fun.

When we listen to the news of bad things people do, or when everyone seems to be going about the world in their own little bubble with their earplugs in and their eyes on their phone, it is easy to forget that our innate nature is social and friendly. Yet it often just takes a hello or a smile to break through the barriers we put between us and discover another human being just like us.

Those of you who know me may be thinking this is just me and my rose-tinted spectacles again! And to some extent that may be true. I do choose to view people in a certain way, to make assumptions that they are basically friendly and kind, and the effect of this is that most of them turn out to be that way! I have met thousands of people in my life and very few of them have been genuinely unpleasant.

When you think about it, you realise that most of us would prefer it if others found us likeable, but we tend to ‘play victim’ and wait to see how they react to us, if at all, before we start to show our colours. We are used to being judged by our appearance, our age, our race, our role, instead of starting with our shared human beingness. Yet our human beingness is what we all have in common: it’s what we all share no matter what our background, history or role.

And we all have the power to choose to view the other person as another human being just like us, to choose not to judge the book by its cover, to choose to treat that person as another potential friend. When we approach people with that attitude, most of them turn out to be lovely.

This is not soppy, or viewing the world through rose-tinted spectacles – it’s useful and selfish. Eliciting the kindness and friendliness of other people makes my life easier and more pleasant, and hopefully brightens their day too.

In the hotel I was staying in, there was an aphorism that came up on the tv screen when you went into your room: ‘Greet strangers as you would your best friend.’ Imagine if we all did that – we would change the world!

THE POWER OF ONE

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I watched a fascinating documentary this week called ‘I Am’ by Tom Shadyac. It’s about what’s wrong with the world and what can be done about it, featuring some of the great thinkers of our time, and I love its conclusions. On of them is about the power of one – one step, one action, one change in behaviour. ‘Small everyday acts accumulate and create change, personally, socially and culturally.’

It reminded me that change of any sort doesn’t appear out of nowhere. It happens because gradually more and more people think differently, act differently, until there is a critical mass. So each time we do those small everyday acts, we contribute to changing the world for the better.

It is easy to feel powerless in the face of poverty, negativity, ecological destruction, never-ending war. And we are educated into believing that only governments and large corporations can really change things – and they show few signs of wanting to improve our world for all of us. Yet history shows that governments do effect change when there is enough noise from ordinary people to force them not to ignore it, and that those who are considered to be leaders of change for the better – Gandhi, Mandela, Martin Luther King – only emerge when there is already a groundswell of people who believe in and actively want those changes, and who are actively taking some of those small steps to make a difference.

So what can we do?

The principle of the power of one can be applied at every level. So begin by identifying a change for the better you want in your own life. Maybe you want to be fitter, spend more time with those you love, connect with nature more, have more fun…

Now take one small step in that direction, today: go for a walk round the block; phone a friend you haven’t seen for a while and arrange to meet up; go to the local park and look at, maybe even touch, the flowers and trees; play a silly game with your children, your partner (try our top 5 films, books, TV programmes – it’s fascinating!)

Now look at your community, whether that is geographical, the people you work with, or the circle of friends you have. What would be an improvement in that area?

Maybe say hello to neighbours and get to know them a bit more; or talk about something different when you go the pub with mates; or talk face-to-face with work colleagues instead of emailing them; or just take a bag and pick up some of the litter you see on the street.

And more generally? How do we make a positive difference at a global level? As Friends of the Earth have always said, ‘Think global, act local.’

Add your name to petitions for changes. There are lots of them on-line: avaaz; friends of the earth; sum of us; amnesty international; and many more. Give something to the homeless person on the street, or at least say hello. Contribute to a water pump for a village through Oxfam. Stop using pesticides in your garden and encourage friends to do the same.

And above all else, treat everyone you encounter as another valuable human being. Be kind, thoughtful, pleasant, no matter how they are being

So this week, begin to use the power of one more. Let’s make a difference in this world of ours, and change it for the better. One small everyday act is all it takes. Just imagine the difference if we simply all applied this principle!

THE RIPPLE EFFECT

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Who have you affected today? The answer is: anyone you have had any sort of contact with. That’s a bit scary isn’t it? We tend to think we only affect others if we have consciously decided to do so, yet we know it’s not true.

Think about it the other way round: has anyone made you smile or laugh or feel warm today? Or have they annoyed you, bored you, upset you? It only takes a word or two, a line in an email from someone, to set our mood for a while. Even people there is no direct contact with can change our mood: the person who’s being delightful with someone else in your vicinity – and the one who is being unpleasant with someone – not to mention the news, or the dj on the radio!

It’s called the ripple effect because how we are with others ripples out, not just to them, but also to the next people they encounter, and from those people to their interactions, etc. There is research that proves this effect, and we all actually experience it, whether we’re aware of it or not.

Many years ago, I realised this, when Jo, my son, and I were on a retreat with our teacher and friend Emmanuel. It was in the south of France in the summer, and we were given an afternoon off, but with homework to do: we had to do something that helped others. Jo and I spent moments considering this, and decided not to! We went to the seaside instead, having lovely coffee, a great ice cream, and playing silly buggers on the beach. We had great fun, and went back feeling great.

Then there was report-back from the homework and people started talking about the ways they’d been kind to others. I decided to do true confession, and said that we had just gone and had fun. The group were a bit shocked that we didn’t just ignore the homework, we also admitted to it! Emmanuel’s response, however, was quite different: he suggested that we had probably had a positive impact on more people than anyone else, because our joy and fun had affected passers-by, people on the bus, and anyone who encountered or saw us. I was astonished and delighted that helping others could be so easy and pleasurable!

So what effect are you having in the world? Just stop and think about it, before you snap at someone or, sometimes worse, ignore them. You can make a positive difference in the world every single day, by just saying a kind word, being happy, deciding not to react negatively.

And you can choose not to allow someone else’s bad mood to ripple to you and through you. Why should they be able to use you as a vehicle to send negative ripples into the world? Just recognise your reaction to their mood, and consciously walk away from it, and choose your own mood.

If only for today, choose to have a positive ripple effect, and see what happens…

THE GIFT OF LAUGHTER

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‘God gave us a gift of smiles and laughter – use them.’ The Dalai Lama.

Oh, isn’t it lovely to laugh wholeheartedly! I was watching an interview with the Dalai Lama when he said the above quote, and boy does he live what he preaches – he is constantly smiling or laughing. And I realised that every time he smiled or laughed, I did too – his joy was so infectious.

It feels as if our whole body is grateful when we laugh: our muscles relax, our hearts open, and it feels as if we let go of all our tensions. And of course we do! There is a saying: ‘Laughter is the best medicine.’ It automatically sets off the positive health-giving chemicals in us, it makes us breathe more deeply and oxygenate our bodies, and it releases tensions in our muscles. What an easy way to enhance our health!

And it does more than just enhance our physical health. At the same time as letting go of our physical tensions, we stop, for a moment, holding on to our mental tensions. Our minds go quiet, that damn voice in our heads shuts up, and we just allow ourselves to be in this moment of joy. Mentally we become whole again, leaving behind our fears and worries.

Those moments of laughter free us from being caught up in our story, giving us space to regain perspective and remember who we really are. So thank God for those who make us laugh: the comedian, the pet’s antics, the small child, the friends, and the Dalai Lama!

And remember that laughter is infectious. If you see someone laughing, it is hard to resist joining in: our facial muscles automatically copy those of someone we’re watching – we mirror them at a micro-muscular level – so you’re already halfway there. It doesn’t take much to go all the way and join in, and it is a really enjoyable thing to do.

So for goodness’ sake, find reasons to laugh every day, allow yourself to be infected by the laughter of others, and actively use this gentle, God-given gift to keep yourself healthy.