Tag Archives: behaviour with others

BEING GRATEFUL

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Every so often, I am reminded about being grateful. As a child, I had it hammered into me: thank you letters for presents, thank you’s for anything given to me or done for me, because it was the polite thing to do. It took years for me to recognise gratitude for what it really is: not politeness, but appreciation for the gifts offered to us on a daily basis.

The word grateful links back to two Latin words: gratia, which means a service, a favour given to someone; and gratis which means free, at no cost. Being grateful therefore means originally being full of gifts given to you for free – isn’t that lovely!

It enriches our awareness of all those things that we take for granted in our everyday lives that are simply there for us, should we choose to appreciate them: the natural world; our ability to breathe, think, move, feel; our homes; our food; our friendships and loved ones; beauty in art; wonderful and inspiring words and stories in books, theatre, film; music to make our hearts sing. When I stop to think about the gifts I am given, it is a never-ending list!

And as you consider your own list of things to be grateful for, just notice how it makes you feel. This is not something you ought to be grateful for because it’s a ‘good’ thing to do: it fills us with warmth, a glow; it opens our hearts; it gives us a different perspective on our lives. My gratitude attitude feeds me and enriches my life!

Sometimes there is no-one there to thank, to show your appreciation to – that doesn’t stop me! I enjoy thanking the soil and the weather for nurturing my plants, the birds for singing to me, Bob Dylan for writing such amazing songs! I like to imagine that my thank you’s don’t disappear into thin air, but create a small ray of warmth that feeds into the world and helps to make it a better place.

And if there is someone there to say thank you to, in whatever way – the words, a hug, applause – then that is the least I can do to show my appreciation of their gift to me: driving me to town, delivering my post, saying something lovely, singing or acting beautifully for me.

So just stop for a moment today and look at the different gifts that are given to you – and say thank you!

And thank you for reading my blogs – it delights me to think that someone out there takes some time to read what I have written ad appreciates my words!! Thank you!!

WHAT IS IT ALL ABOUT?

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Have you done it all? The presents, the cards, the food – all the paraphernalia of Christmas… It is easy to forget what it’s really supposed to be about: ‘ peace on earth, goodwill to all mankind.’ Whether you are a Christian or not, these are surely good sentiments to bring to the fore at this time. And if we want them to be a truth in our world, we have to look at how we can create peace and goodwill in our own world.

It starts with ourselves: do you feel goodwill towards yourself? Be kind to yourself during this time, allow yourself to relax and indulge in pleasurable activities. When you are treating yourself with kindness and respect, you are far more likely to treat others in the same way.

And add a little more kindness, just to celebrate the season. Begin with those you know and love: stop and play with the children for a little while; phone a friend and tell them how much they mean to you; invite a neighbour for coffee.

Then spread your goodwill a little further, to strangers you come in contact with: give a homeless person some money when you’re in town; thank someone properly for the way they serve you or deliver something to you; give some attention to someone you are usually too busy to speak to.

And are you feeling peaceful? Let your mind relax and give yourself a break from all the busyness. Just for a day or two, don’t worry about what else you should have done. Write it down on a list somewhere and leave it for when you are ready to pick up the reins again.

And as you create a little peace for yourself, being quiet and at ease, imagine your moment of peace as rays of warmth and calm, gently spreading out over those around you, at home, in the supermarket, in the street. Just stop for a moment and imagine you are enveloping others in that peace blanket.

And maybe in a quiet moment in the morning, or before you go to sleep, you can transmit your peace towards all those who are suffering disruption, war, misery, anger, and imagine them receiving just a moment of calm, of hope.

Let’s remember what this season is really about this Christmas, and celebrate our ability as human beings to find joy, love, peace and kindness in the midst of chaos.

Have a wonderful Christmas!

BREAKING THE CIRCLE

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I can’t condone killing – it is surely always wrong. So, like everyone else, I find senseless bombing or shooting of people abhorrent. And at the same time, I can’t condone the reaction of ‘let’s bomb those devils’ either, for the same reason – it’s killing.

World War 1 went on for four years, World War 2 for six years. How long now have we been fighting ‘the war on terror’ to no avail? Surely we can learn something from history, and realise that we need to try something different. And surely with our global communications and information now, there are some different and useful ideas out there.

I was watching a couple of episodes of Dr Who last night, about the Zygons – I know, what is this tangent? In the story, Dr Who gives an impassioned speech that stops the killing that is going on and makes everyone think again. In it he points out that even if you win the war, there will be another revolution, and others will rebel against the ruling group, so war is just perpetuated. He suggests that we just need to sit down and talk, that people making real contact with each other will find a different way. It’s only a story, yet isn’t it time that we at least used our brilliant minds to see if it is possible?

Instead we are fed battle talk, fear stories, and posturing on all sides. Our governments act as if we are innocent victims, yet threaten the enemy with weapons and might. They also kill, and we sit by and say little when we have no interests in the areas where innocent people are being killed – think Palestine, Africa, Syria etc.

There have been examples of taking a different tack: in South Africa, in Northern Ireland, with Iran… it may not work perfectly, but for sure it is better than constant war and war-mongering.

I am glad that there have been a few examples on the news of Parisian reactions that were not outrage or fear but courage and warmth: the father telling his child that the candles and flowers for those who died were more powerful than weapons; the man who said that they had taken his wife and child, so he wasn’t going to give them his hate as well.

We can refuse to be intimidated, we can refuse to think that everyone who is Muslim is a threat to us, we can look for ways of building peacefulness and we can show love and warmth and consideration to others.

It is time to break the circle of fear and threat, and we do that by behaving differently. I know, I’m an old hippy, all about peace and love – but I am not stupid – if fighting and frightening worked, we would all be living in peace now – we’ve done it for long enough!

FRIENDSHIP

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Coincidentally, over the last few weeks, several ‘old friends’ have reappeared – how wonderful is that! We hadn’t quite lost touch but we haven’t really caught up with each other in a long time, until now.

And with each one, it has been a delight to talk again, and to share stories. It’s like settling back into a familiar comfy armchair, because we have just picked up the friendship where we left off: the familiarity, the ease of conversation, the affection.

It has made me reflect on how we build a friendship, how it grows into that comfy place that stays there even when there are long gaps – clearly this doesn’t happen by befriending on Facebook!

I started by looking up the original meaning of the word friend. It is formed from the past participle of the Old Norse word for to love, and means beloved, someone you join with in love and intimacy. So we don’t really build a friendship, do we: we find friends, those people we come across that we have some sort of instant connection with, and then we either nurture that connection or let it go.

To me, nurturing that connection means that we start by expressing in some way that feeling of connection, to check out if it is mutual. This may be verbally: ‘I think we could be friends..’, or just through showing our pleasure in their company.

It also means that, in the first place, we actively seek to spend time with the person, to get to know them, and allow them to know us. Now this may sound a bit like dating, but I think there is a fundamental difference. With dating, we want the other person to like us, so we will tend to show only our best side. When we are nurturing a friendship, we are looking to share our world and be accepted for who we really are, warts and all, and to offer the same degree of acceptance to the other person.

This implies a level of risk: we allow them to see our foibles, our weaknesses, not just our good bits. It also means that we accept their reality as well, because we are interested in the whole of their world, not just the parts that are similar to ours.

At the same time, there is a wondrous permission in true friendship, a level of mutual, acceptance that we can both thrive on. My friends see the worst of me and bring out the best in me, because we respond to each other from a place of love, not a place of obligation or pretence.

Through establishing this deeper level of getting to know each other, we strengthen that initial connection into a lasting bond between us. Then we have something that can last a lifetime, that endures even when there is a lack of contact for a while.

Friendships are special – they are based in love and shared values, not shared experiences or behaviours. We nurture them and grow them by being truly ourselves and allowing our friends to do the same.

So when you come across one of those connections, do some nurturing, grow the bond between you, and enjoy the richness it brings to your life.

Thank you, my friends!

 

MOST PEOPLE ARE LOVELY

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I’ve recently had occasion to meet lots of new people while doing some work in Glasgow. It’s been a good reminder that there is reason to be optimistic about our world, because most people are lovely. The participants on the programmes I was running, the hotel and restaurant staff, taxi drivers, airport staff, fellow guests and travellers, and people on the street – all of them I encountered were friendly, helpful, and made my trips easier and more fun.

When we listen to the news of bad things people do, or when everyone seems to be going about the world in their own little bubble with their earplugs in and their eyes on their phone, it is easy to forget that our innate nature is social and friendly. Yet it often just takes a hello or a smile to break through the barriers we put between us and discover another human being just like us.

Those of you who know me may be thinking this is just me and my rose-tinted spectacles again! And to some extent that may be true. I do choose to view people in a certain way, to make assumptions that they are basically friendly and kind, and the effect of this is that most of them turn out to be that way! I have met thousands of people in my life and very few of them have been genuinely unpleasant.

When you think about it, you realise that most of us would prefer it if others found us likeable, but we tend to ‘play victim’ and wait to see how they react to us, if at all, before we start to show our colours. We are used to being judged by our appearance, our age, our race, our role, instead of starting with our shared human beingness. Yet our human beingness is what we all have in common: it’s what we all share no matter what our background, history or role.

And we all have the power to choose to view the other person as another human being just like us, to choose not to judge the book by its cover, to choose to treat that person as another potential friend. When we approach people with that attitude, most of them turn out to be lovely.

This is not soppy, or viewing the world through rose-tinted spectacles – it’s useful and selfish. Eliciting the kindness and friendliness of other people makes my life easier and more pleasant, and hopefully brightens their day too.

In the hotel I was staying in, there was an aphorism that came up on the tv screen when you went into your room: ‘Greet strangers as you would your best friend.’ Imagine if we all did that – we would change the world!

THE RIPPLE EFFECT

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Who have you affected today? The answer is: anyone you have had any sort of contact with. That’s a bit scary isn’t it? We tend to think we only affect others if we have consciously decided to do so, yet we know it’s not true.

Think about it the other way round: has anyone made you smile or laugh or feel warm today? Or have they annoyed you, bored you, upset you? It only takes a word or two, a line in an email from someone, to set our mood for a while. Even people there is no direct contact with can change our mood: the person who’s being delightful with someone else in your vicinity – and the one who is being unpleasant with someone – not to mention the news, or the dj on the radio!

It’s called the ripple effect because how we are with others ripples out, not just to them, but also to the next people they encounter, and from those people to their interactions, etc. There is research that proves this effect, and we all actually experience it, whether we’re aware of it or not.

Many years ago, I realised this, when Jo, my son, and I were on a retreat with our teacher and friend Emmanuel. It was in the south of France in the summer, and we were given an afternoon off, but with homework to do: we had to do something that helped others. Jo and I spent moments considering this, and decided not to! We went to the seaside instead, having lovely coffee, a great ice cream, and playing silly buggers on the beach. We had great fun, and went back feeling great.

Then there was report-back from the homework and people started talking about the ways they’d been kind to others. I decided to do true confession, and said that we had just gone and had fun. The group were a bit shocked that we didn’t just ignore the homework, we also admitted to it! Emmanuel’s response, however, was quite different: he suggested that we had probably had a positive impact on more people than anyone else, because our joy and fun had affected passers-by, people on the bus, and anyone who encountered or saw us. I was astonished and delighted that helping others could be so easy and pleasurable!

So what effect are you having in the world? Just stop and think about it, before you snap at someone or, sometimes worse, ignore them. You can make a positive difference in the world every single day, by just saying a kind word, being happy, deciding not to react negatively.

And you can choose not to allow someone else’s bad mood to ripple to you and through you. Why should they be able to use you as a vehicle to send negative ripples into the world? Just recognise your reaction to their mood, and consciously walk away from it, and choose your own mood.

If only for today, choose to have a positive ripple effect, and see what happens…

WHAT IS ‘NORMAL?’

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Recently someone described me as abnormal – and I decided that it was a compliment! It got me to thinking about what normal is. The word means: ‘according to the customs and habits of the time or place.’ It is the accepted way of being and behaving within a specific context. We also call this being conformist.

Now, at some level, we all need to conform or fit in. There are laws to hold us in check: if I don’t pay for my utilities, or injure someone deliberately, I will be called to account.

There are also some universal ‘laws’: being kind and courteous, doing no harm, which most of us live by, because they are fundamental human values, and we are basically decent human beings.

However, most of the rules we live by without even thinking about it are not in these two categories. They are just the way we do things in our culture. To take a simple example, most people take a shower every day. Yet when I was young, we just had a bath every week – there weren’t showers in most homes. And it was not that long ago that even baths were a special occasion, indulged in once a year!

Again, having a mobile phone is now considered the norm – in fact, it has to be a smartphone, because then you can respond to emails as well, and be available 24/7 by one means or another. Yet I remember when lots of people didn’t even have a landline, and the phone-box at the end of the street was used if there were an emergency. Otherwise you wrote letters.

These examples just illustrate how ‘normal’ changes over time and is an ephemeral phenomenon. So it is worth questioning whether you feel that the norm suits you, or whether you want to create a new ‘normal’ that fits you better and makes your life feel better.

Now, anyone who knows me will know that conforming is not my strong suit. In fact, I am actively working on being who I really am, rather than who I am expected to be. And I believe that we are lucky in this day and age, because we have so many more choices of ways of being and behaving in the world. We can call on different examples from all over the world and from history, because that information is readily available, and do a ‘pick’n’mix’ selection of what suits our personality and preferences.

So let’s begin to make conscious choices, to establish our own personal norms, instead of being and behaving normally. Lets’ question the norm before we just conform to it.

How do we do this?

  1. Once a day notice something that you’re doing that’s habitual: answering the phone as soon as it rings; starting on dinner as soon as you get in from work; agreeing to do something you don’t really want to do – you’ll find lots of examples. Now check this particular behaviour out: are you doing it because you feel better if you do, or are you doing it because ‘people do’ or ‘they’ expect you to.
  2. If it makes you feel better, then it’s fine to carry on.
  3. If it doesn’t make you feel better, then ask yourself: ‘How would I prefer to behave?’ ‘What would feel like a better fit for me?’
  4. Next time that habitual behaviour comes up, experiment with a different approach: let the phone go to voicemail, and ring them back if you really want to speak with them now; sit for five minutes and have a cuppa before you do dinner; ask for time to consider before you say yes.
  5. If the experiment works for you, start to do it more often, until it becomes you new normal. If it doesn’t, try something different until you find what does.

Be warned, this can create two different forms of pressure to return to old habits – after all, they are pretty ingrained in us.

  1. Others expect you to behave as you always have behaved, and will ask you why you didn’t or in some way make you feel guilty for changing.
  2. Even more insidious is our own mind, which tells us we are causing a problem or upsetting others even when there’s no evidence for it.

The good news is that if you stick to your guns, it becomes easier, and others come to accept your new normal.

So come on, make life work a little better for you by changing those ‘rules’ you’ve been living by that don’t really fit for you. Join me in being abnormal and proud of it!

BEING TRUE TO YOURSELF PART TWO

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Last time I wrote about being true to your own fundamental values. And then it gets more complex! There is another side to being true to yourself, which is about allowing yourself to be how you are.

It was a quote from my beloved teacher, Ram Dass, that prompted me first into thinking about this: ‘I am always true to myself and this means that I am often inconsistent’ It was in the midst of listening to a talk about allowing ourselves to be human, and not always trying to be perfect, and it made me realise how often I would push myself to behave and react as you are supposed to if you are a good person, a good worker, a good parent – you get the theme…

We are a rich tapestry of often contradictory characteristics, and the particular blend of me that I am aware of today may not be the same as yesterday or tomorrow. So we can be generally sociable and wish we could just be on our own for a while, or usually focussed on our tasks but just not in the mood today, or sometimes love being a parent and other times just want to talk with other grown-ups.

We receive a lot of conditioning that makes us feel obliged to be the way we think others expect us to be, and it is hard to break the habit of trying to be how we should be rather than how we truly are.

Furthermore, we are constantly evolving. As we add to our experience, we tend to develop certain of our characteristics more. For example, we may become more compassionate towards others as we become more aware of the difficulties that some people have to contend with, or we may enjoy our own company more as we become more confident in ourselves and no longer need to be always part of a group. So, over time, being true to ourselves may mean dropping some old habits that others expect of us, because they no longer fit so well with how we have become.

I know that for me getting to grips with these two ways of being true to yourself has been difficult. Others have a picture of who you are and what you’re like, and can easily push you back into that old story, because it is also built into our culture: once you reach adulthood, it is as if you are now set in stone as a personality, even though we all know it is not true. What’s more, we do the pushing to ourselves: I often try to make myself be focussed when I am just not in the mood because I am ‘someone who can be like that’ – and then have to remind myself that I’m also a meanderer through life!

If we are going to be true to ourselves we have to admit to our inconsistencies and accept them as part of the richness of who we are. Every time we don’t, we are betraying ourselves again, and paying the cost of our hearts and minds contradicting each other.

How do we get better at being true to ourselves and our mixture of characteristics?

  1. Begin by giving yourself a moment to reflect. Notice your own mood. Do you want to be sociable or quiet today? Do you want to be active or still? Do you feel confused or clear, serious or silly? What do you really feel like doing today? And notice how you feel physically and how your mind reacts if you follow your preferences – and if you don’t.
  2. Learn to delight in your contradictions. Be grateful you are daft as well as wise – otherwise you would be most unsympathetic to others who had such opposite characteristics! It is part of what makes us human, and most of us prefer others who are not perfect.
  3. Even if you can’t fully cater for your differing moods, because of constraints at work for example, do give them a bit of recognition. Wherever possible, gear your tasks to your mood: if you feel like being sociable, talk to someone rather than emailing them. If you’re not in the mood to focus on a task, do something simple first and give yourself a chance to gently adapt your mood. And at the very least, take 15 minutes to indulge in what you really feel like doing. Our moods do shift if we allow them to without forcing it.
  4. Pay some attention to how you have evolved over the years. Have you grown out of enjoying a noisy pub night? Then suggest an alternative to your friends – it’s quite likely some of them will feel the same.
  5. Finally, dare to admit your inconsistencies to others. You may be surprised by how accepting they are when you are honest about it.

 

I believe this form of being true to yourself is a lifelong job! As we begin to explore it, we discover in how many ways we have learnt to betray ourselves and not follow our own hearts, our own story. At the same time, it is delightful to realise that being ourselves in all its diversity is the best gift we can give to others – it allows them to be real as well. Those who love you love you for who you are – so go ahead, be silly if you feel like it!!

 

BEING TRUE TO YOURSELF – PART ONE

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I am going to explore this theme in two different ways. This time, I am going to look at the way we so often don’t live to our own values, and what we can do about it.

‘This above all, to thine own self be true; thou can’st not then be false to any man.’ Shakespeare said it in Laertes’ speech in Hamlet, and the words resonate with us. But what does it really mean in practice?

I used to have this quote on my living room wall many years ago, and the reason I took it down was not because it had become embedded in my psyche – it was because every time I looked at it, I was reminded of how often I failed to live up to it. I betrayed myself over and over again, in big and small ways: pretending to like something because someone else thought it was good; keeping quiet when my boss was being unnecessarily unpleasant with another member of staff; driving myself to put effort into something that I couldn’t really see any purpose to. I had learnt how to behave how I was expected to, and to keep my discomfort to myself.

Nonetheless, the quote did its work – it kept nagging away at the back of my mind. It is after all talking about our fundamental human values: being fair; behaving ethically; treating others with respect. We all know in our hearts when these values are not being met, yet we often condone with our silence, or with our acceptance that the behaviour is ‘allowed’ by our culture. This is how we come to accept bullying at work, tax avoidance, discrimination of all sorts, and corruption in politics. We may not agree but we see it as inevitable.

Given how complex being true to yourself can be, it can seem like just a grand aspiration. We have to stand up and be counted if we genuinely hold to our fundamental values. Yet every time we don’t, we are betraying ourselves and there is a personal cost to this.

When our hearts and minds contradict each other, it has a detrimental physical effect on us. It is a pervasive form of stress that goes largely unrecognised, and it wears us down, making us world-weary and cynical. And of course, it makes us less pleasant to be around for others, because we all sense when someone is ‘living a lie’, when they are pretending, when they are incongruent.

SO HOW DO WE BECOME BETTER AT BEING TRUE TO OUR OWN VALUES?

The first step to take is the fascinating exploration of what being true to yourself means.

What are your fundamental values?

In an ideal world how would we be treated by others, how would we treat others, how would we treat animals, the natural world? You may not have ready-made answers to these questions, but by asking them of yourself, you begin to realise what really matters to you.

Once we have begun to recognise what being true to our values really means to us, we can begin to gently apply it more often in our lives. It is important for most of us to approach this gently: learn from my mistakes! As a young teacher, I argued with colleagues and the head over the categorising of our pupils as ‘thick’ and got myself forced out of the school system – that didn’t help to change things for those kids! I was clumsy in my initial attempts to stand up for my values.

Treat others as you wish to be treated.

Begin by being the one who is kind and fair and respectful. Use your everyday encounters – at work, in the supermarket, in the car park – as opportunities to practise being with others how you wish they were with you. This makes you feel good, and trains the ‘muscle’, so that it is easier to respond to poor treatment from others without betraying your fundamental values by sinking to their level, or taking it personally when they attempt to make you feel bad in some way.

When I argued with my colleagues, I ended up criticising them for their attitudes and even accused them of being poor teachers. I was as unpleasant to them as they were being to some of the pupils. I showed no understanding of their frustrations and didn’t listen to any of their points of view. They weren’t bad people, and nowadays I would make it clear that I was not going to play judge and jury with them.

Work out what you could say or do, without losing your job or a friendship, when someone behaves in a way that offends your values.

We have wisdom with hindsight, use it! Reflect on situations that you have experienced, and identify how you could have reacted differently, and in a way that made a positive difference.

I would now use a different tack with my colleagues in the school. I would still say that I didn’t agree with them, but it would be clear that it was their opinion I was objecting to, not them as people. I would also think through my argument more: how might it benefit them to treat the kids more positively, rather than just saying it was wrong. What argument might work from their point of view?

Make a conscious choice

Sometimes we may feel that there is nothing we can do or say. We then have to make a conscious choice: do I stay and condone by my silence? Do I walk away? Do I avoid similar situations in the future? It’s OK to not always get it right – we are all learning how to be true to ourselves and our values. Just notice, if you choose to stay with it, the effect it has on your body, mind and heart. That is how we remind ourselves that it is not good for us to betray ourselves.

 

It can be scary to practise living to your values – we don’t live in a value-driven world. I just think it is scarier to continually put myself under a sneaky stress that wears down my spirit, and has no good effects. And you may be surprised by how much support you get when you do dare to express your values – it just needs someone to start, and others join in. most of us have very similar values – we need to start admitting it.