Tag Archives: kindness

A WIDER PERSPECTIVE

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I watched the programming for Comic Relief last week, and laughed and cried my way through the evening. It is a really powerful combination of emotions. We laugh and it opens us up, mentally and emotionally. We watch the stories of those that Comic Relief helps, who are all suffering some form of deprivation, both in the UK and Africa, and our open hearts feel for them and recognise the injustice of a world where children die of preventable diseases, where people are lonely and distressed.

It reminds us forcefully of our own good fortune, if we have a roof over our heads, warmth, food, love – the basics of life – and gives us a wider perspective on the problems we do have: for most of us they are not in the world-shattering category. It also illustrates the courage and perseverance of human beings in the face of adversity, and the kindness and compassion that we are naturally wired to give to others, when we move beyond our own little world. And above all, it reminds us that love and laughter are things we can all share, no matter who we are or what our circumstances are.

The Comic Relief event always feels like a dose of salts for regaining our perspective on life!

So what?

  • Give some money if you haven’t already – or even if you have! http://www.comicrelief.com/
  • Give thanks for the aspects of your life you normally take for granted: a home, food, people who love you, enough money to live, an education, a job
  • Be kind – to anyone and everyone! You don’t know how much difference your smile or kind word may make to someone
  • Use your own courage and perseverance to deal with the problems in your own life
  • And laugh whenever you can and let your heart and mind open!

DO YOU WANT TO BE KIND OR RIGHT?

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I remember seeing Wayne Dyer give a talk based on this question, and it really hit home for me. I love debating issues and I can get really caught up in ‘winning’ the argument, showing that I’ve thought it through, or I know more about it – and when I do that, I have no regard for how the other person feels.

I can also be self-righteous – you know, the ‘I told you so’ syndrome – a great way of rubbing salt in the wound!

Both of these ways of being are ego-based: proving yourself, being clever or right. They may be accurate, but they’re surely not kind. They’re designed to make us feel good about ourselves at the expense of the other person.

Wayne Dyer’s words gave me a jolt to the system. I now tend to just stop for a moment before I launch into that winning argument or that self-righteous comment. After all, being right is not going to endear me to others, or even make me feel good for more than a moment.

This doesn’t mean that I don’t ever tell my truth, or that I don’t express my views – far from it. It means that I attempt to express myself in ways that don’t put others down. When you take a moment, you have the space to consider:

  • Does it matter who is right on this issue?
  • Will it help me or them to grow and evolve?
  • Is it really just my point of view rather than a truth?
  • How can I express this in a way that’s useful or constructive?

Just by asking ourselves these questions we automatically reset the way we express ourselves with the other person. We are more likely to take into consideration their experience, their world-view. We are more likely to use a helpful approach rather than a bombastic one. And we are more likely to use our own knowledge or experience to help them to grow their own awareness rather than put them down.

I may know I’m right, but I don’t then have to prove it. I would rather be kind than right – it feels better – so let’s just stop for a moment next time we want to prove a point – and be kind instead!

WHEN IS ENOUGH ENOUGH?

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Whenever I go into town at the moment, I see people struggling to carry all the things they have bought, presumably for Christmas presents. What is all this stuff? It makes me remember when we went to India during the period of Diwali. There they emphasised that it was about the triumph of light over darkness, so you buy a candle, fireworks, and the presents are primarily sweets. Above all, it is about sharing happiness about the saving of the world from darkness and evil so a simple gift and some light is enough.

We seem to have lost sight of that.

Of course, wanting more isn’t just about buying stuff – although at Christmas that is the particularly obvious symptom. We also have learnt to want more in all sorts of ways: more money, more food, more status, more qualifications, more success. Yet all these things don’t bring us what we really want: more happiness, more love, more feeling of belonging.

So before you buy more food, more presents, more decorations, just take a moment and ask yourself if there is another way you can show those you love that they matter to you, another way to spread more happiness.

We can easily share preparing and eating a simple meal and all take joy from it. We can easily share an evening of laughter, music, conversation. We can easily give someone a kind word, some attention.

It costs nothing much and feeds us with what we really want – love.

DID YOU SAY THANK YOU?

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I remember as a child hearing this phrase over and over again from my mum and thinking that she was making a fuss over nothing – especially since in those days we had to actually write thank you letters for birthday and Christmas presents, even if you didn’t particularly appreciate the gift – what a pain!

And now I’m so glad that she hammered home that particular habit! It is such a simple thing to do, yet it is a powerful way to positively influence an interaction or relationship, to show appreciation rather than take something for granted, and to make a real exchange.

Of course we all say thank you when someone has gone out of their way to help us or to give us something special. We’re not ignorant and we appreciate the special effort. It’s all the ordinary everyday interactions that we can take for granted, the times when people are just doing what they do.

Mum made the dinner, the checkout operator put our groceries through the till, our colleague did their part of the job, the kids got up for school without being nagged – did you notice? We all know that when we’re the one who just gets on and does what they do, we can end up feeling unappreciated, but it doesn’t always translate into remembering to appreciate what others do. And we all know how good it feels when someone does notice those little things that are often taken for granted.

I catch the bus into the town centre, and I love the fact that most people say thank you to the driver when they get off the bus –one person can set the trend and show some appreciation for a safe journey, and someone else navigating the traffic for us. And most drivers respond with a smile – it makes their job feel more worthwhile.

So who do you need to thank a bit more? Who do you take for granted? Be a trendsetter and say thank you – it makes such a difference!

 

HUGS

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Anyone who knows me will know that I’m a ‘touchy-feely’ person, as one of my colleagues described me. I tend to make physical contact with people when I’m with them, and I love hugs! They are a simple and direct way of expressing love – no messy awkward words, just a warm embrace.

Do you give and get hugs enough? Several years ago, we did an event for Comic Relief where we gave out almost free hugs in the city centre; a donation of any kind got you a big heartfelt hug. It was both heart-warming and heart-breaking. There were people who said they hadn’t been hugged for over a year; there were teenagers who came back for second and third go’s; there were parents who sent their children forward for a hug. We hugged so many people that our arms ached at the end of it! It felt as if we were offering a public service that was desperately needed, and appreciated. Yet we are all capable of giving a hug to someone.

The benefits of hugs are enormous, to the giver and the receiver: both automatically release oxytocin into their bloodstreams with a heartfelt hug. This affects us emotionally – we feel happier – and also physically: it helps us to stay healthy. And hugs are a form of communication that goes past the ‘edges’ that can develop between us and goes to the core of just showing affection.

Now not everyone is a hugger – some people shrink away from that full embrace. The colleague I mentioned earlier, who said I was touchy-feely was just embarrassed if I went to hug him. So we developed a different form. He would lightly punch my arm and I would hold his fist there for a second or two with my hand. Sounds daft doesn’t it! But even that much physical contact makes a difference to how we feel, more than words ever can.

So put an arm round a shoulder, touch an arm, hold a hand for a moment, or go for that big hug, and share a moment of that health-giving connection – it’s good for all of us!

WHAT IS IT ALL ABOUT?

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Have you done it all? The presents, the cards, the food – all the paraphernalia of Christmas… It is easy to forget what it’s really supposed to be about: ‘ peace on earth, goodwill to all mankind.’ Whether you are a Christian or not, these are surely good sentiments to bring to the fore at this time. And if we want them to be a truth in our world, we have to look at how we can create peace and goodwill in our own world.

It starts with ourselves: do you feel goodwill towards yourself? Be kind to yourself during this time, allow yourself to relax and indulge in pleasurable activities. When you are treating yourself with kindness and respect, you are far more likely to treat others in the same way.

And add a little more kindness, just to celebrate the season. Begin with those you know and love: stop and play with the children for a little while; phone a friend and tell them how much they mean to you; invite a neighbour for coffee.

Then spread your goodwill a little further, to strangers you come in contact with: give a homeless person some money when you’re in town; thank someone properly for the way they serve you or deliver something to you; give some attention to someone you are usually too busy to speak to.

And are you feeling peaceful? Let your mind relax and give yourself a break from all the busyness. Just for a day or two, don’t worry about what else you should have done. Write it down on a list somewhere and leave it for when you are ready to pick up the reins again.

And as you create a little peace for yourself, being quiet and at ease, imagine your moment of peace as rays of warmth and calm, gently spreading out over those around you, at home, in the supermarket, in the street. Just stop for a moment and imagine you are enveloping others in that peace blanket.

And maybe in a quiet moment in the morning, or before you go to sleep, you can transmit your peace towards all those who are suffering disruption, war, misery, anger, and imagine them receiving just a moment of calm, of hope.

Let’s remember what this season is really about this Christmas, and celebrate our ability as human beings to find joy, love, peace and kindness in the midst of chaos.

Have a wonderful Christmas!

MOST PEOPLE ARE LOVELY

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I’ve recently had occasion to meet lots of new people while doing some work in Glasgow. It’s been a good reminder that there is reason to be optimistic about our world, because most people are lovely. The participants on the programmes I was running, the hotel and restaurant staff, taxi drivers, airport staff, fellow guests and travellers, and people on the street – all of them I encountered were friendly, helpful, and made my trips easier and more fun.

When we listen to the news of bad things people do, or when everyone seems to be going about the world in their own little bubble with their earplugs in and their eyes on their phone, it is easy to forget that our innate nature is social and friendly. Yet it often just takes a hello or a smile to break through the barriers we put between us and discover another human being just like us.

Those of you who know me may be thinking this is just me and my rose-tinted spectacles again! And to some extent that may be true. I do choose to view people in a certain way, to make assumptions that they are basically friendly and kind, and the effect of this is that most of them turn out to be that way! I have met thousands of people in my life and very few of them have been genuinely unpleasant.

When you think about it, you realise that most of us would prefer it if others found us likeable, but we tend to ‘play victim’ and wait to see how they react to us, if at all, before we start to show our colours. We are used to being judged by our appearance, our age, our race, our role, instead of starting with our shared human beingness. Yet our human beingness is what we all have in common: it’s what we all share no matter what our background, history or role.

And we all have the power to choose to view the other person as another human being just like us, to choose not to judge the book by its cover, to choose to treat that person as another potential friend. When we approach people with that attitude, most of them turn out to be lovely.

This is not soppy, or viewing the world through rose-tinted spectacles – it’s useful and selfish. Eliciting the kindness and friendliness of other people makes my life easier and more pleasant, and hopefully brightens their day too.

In the hotel I was staying in, there was an aphorism that came up on the tv screen when you went into your room: ‘Greet strangers as you would your best friend.’ Imagine if we all did that – we would change the world!

THE RIPPLE EFFECT

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Who have you affected today? The answer is: anyone you have had any sort of contact with. That’s a bit scary isn’t it? We tend to think we only affect others if we have consciously decided to do so, yet we know it’s not true.

Think about it the other way round: has anyone made you smile or laugh or feel warm today? Or have they annoyed you, bored you, upset you? It only takes a word or two, a line in an email from someone, to set our mood for a while. Even people there is no direct contact with can change our mood: the person who’s being delightful with someone else in your vicinity – and the one who is being unpleasant with someone – not to mention the news, or the dj on the radio!

It’s called the ripple effect because how we are with others ripples out, not just to them, but also to the next people they encounter, and from those people to their interactions, etc. There is research that proves this effect, and we all actually experience it, whether we’re aware of it or not.

Many years ago, I realised this, when Jo, my son, and I were on a retreat with our teacher and friend Emmanuel. It was in the south of France in the summer, and we were given an afternoon off, but with homework to do: we had to do something that helped others. Jo and I spent moments considering this, and decided not to! We went to the seaside instead, having lovely coffee, a great ice cream, and playing silly buggers on the beach. We had great fun, and went back feeling great.

Then there was report-back from the homework and people started talking about the ways they’d been kind to others. I decided to do true confession, and said that we had just gone and had fun. The group were a bit shocked that we didn’t just ignore the homework, we also admitted to it! Emmanuel’s response, however, was quite different: he suggested that we had probably had a positive impact on more people than anyone else, because our joy and fun had affected passers-by, people on the bus, and anyone who encountered or saw us. I was astonished and delighted that helping others could be so easy and pleasurable!

So what effect are you having in the world? Just stop and think about it, before you snap at someone or, sometimes worse, ignore them. You can make a positive difference in the world every single day, by just saying a kind word, being happy, deciding not to react negatively.

And you can choose not to allow someone else’s bad mood to ripple to you and through you. Why should they be able to use you as a vehicle to send negative ripples into the world? Just recognise your reaction to their mood, and consciously walk away from it, and choose your own mood.

If only for today, choose to have a positive ripple effect, and see what happens…

THERE’S SOMETHING ABOUT CHRISTMAS…

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Anyone who knows me will know that I’m not a Christmas enthusiast. I used to love it as a child, because it was a couple of days when we spent time together as a family, playing board games and enjoying the treat of special food that we didn’t have the rest of the year: turkey, Christmas pudding, oranges, chocolate. My parents weren’t rich, so we had just one main present, and a stocking with fruit and sweets and a few bits and bobs from them, plus a few presents from relatives. But it wasn’t about the presents – it is the family fun that I remember.

We went to the local church for the carol service, although we weren’t a religious family – after all, it was Christmas. So as a child, I was aware of the link between a child being born who represented love and light and joy being brought into the world, and the love and fun we had as a family at that time of year.

What happened? Over the years, Christmas seems to have turned into a consumer event: too many presents to be bought, too much food being eaten or wasted, too much drink, and Christmas songs that don’t even mention Christ being born.

The message of Christmas, I believe, is love. It is a reminder that the greatest gift we ever give to another is our heartfelt love and attention.

So this Christmas, let’s concentrate on showing love to the world.

Show your love to your family and friends. Call them and wish them peace and joy if they are not at home with you. Hug them and laugh with them if they are: it will mean more than any of the other gifts you give.

Remember those who do not have the good fortune to be surrounded by love. How can we walk past a homeless person with bags full of presents and food? They may not even have a bed for the night. Give them something instead of buying that extra thing to put under the tree. Show a stranger that love and care still exist in our world. Go and wish that neighbour who is on their own a happy Christmas and have a cuppa with them before you cook the Christmas dinner.

And don’t forget to show yourself some love too. Make sure that you have a little time where you do exactly what you feel like doing during the festive period. Relax, enjoy yourself, give yourself permission to be selfish for an hour or two, because then your love for others can shine through clearly.

We may no longer be a religious culture, but that doesn’t mean that we no longer believe in love. If we are going to celebrate Christmas, let us do it by showing that we love and care about other human beings. Christ came into the world to remind us about love – let’s continue the tradition and celebrate love this Christmas.

And thank you for reading these blogs – it means a lot to me to know that you are there. Have a great Christmas break and may 2015 be a year of joy and peace for you.

APPRECIATING OTHERS

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I’m very lucky: my family and friends frequently tell me that they love me. I’m so glad that I get to hear it while I’m still alive, rather than having to wait for the eulogy at my funeral to be appreciated!

Yet a lot of the time, we don’t say directly to someone that we appreciate having them in our lives. We may tell someone else that we love our friend’s sense of humour, or that our work colleague is really supportive, or that our child’s laughter lifts our spirits, but we don’t often tell them.

I don’t quite understand why we don’t express our appreciation of others. Is it to do with being seen as ‘soppy’ or sentimental, that old cultural story of the ‘stiff upper lip’? Whatever the reason, I believe it’s time we revised the habit of holding back from saying the good things we think about others!

There are good healthy reasons to say what we love and appreciate to people:

  1. It makes us feel good! It creates a feeling in us that releases the happy hormones into our body.
  2. It enhances our appreciation of them when we think of what we love and appreciate about someone; we are reminded of why they matter in our lives.
  3. It is a lovely and simple gift to give. It doesn’t take much effort, yet it makes the other person feel great – we all like to be appreciated.

This came back to mind as I was talking to a friend about Christmas. Sending cards to people you don’t see or speak to very often is a great opportunity to tell them what you love and appreciate about them.

Imagine if every card you received said, ‘And what I love about you is..’ or ‘ Thank you for being… this year’ or just, ‘I’m so glad you’re in my life’. Wouldn’t that make your heart sing?

And of course, it isn’t just something to do at Christmas. It’s a habit to develop further in your everyday life.

Tell people that you appreciated something they did or said – let them know it made a difference.

Remember to actually tell the people you love that you do love them – often we only let them know when they are irritating us!

It’s so easy to get caught up in the busyness and stresses of life and to only be aware of the difficulties and negatives. Let’s put the emphasis in a different place. Let’s fill the world with the warmth of love and appreciation!