Tag Archives: relating to others

HAVE YOU THE FAMILY YOU WOULD LOVE TO HAVE?

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Most of us have a family we were born into, and a set of relatives that comes with that. And I often hear people say that they find it really hard to get on with a brother, or sister, or parent. This always feels hurtful because we have an expectation that these are the people who should care most for us. But it’s not really that surprising, because each of us is a unique personality, and we don’t get on with every other personality.

I like to think that we really have two sorts of family: the one we were born into and related to by blood, and the one we create for ourselves. This is our real family, because it is those we meet who become our mutual support network, people we feel genuine love and concern for. If we’re lucky, some of our blood ties are also in our ‘personalised’ family – we choose to have them as an important part of our lives – but it’s not compulsory.

And because this is a family we create throughout our lives, we are not constrained by numbers or categories or age – we can create according to any criteria we choose. I have lots of sisters and brothers, and many sons and daughters. When I was younger, I had more favourite aunts and uncles and elder brothers and sisters – now I think I’m probably the matriarch of my lovely created family!

When I was a child, we were encouraged to call friends of the family auntie or uncle. I think that was based on a form of showing respect because they were adults and we were children, but it also indicated that my parents felt they were part of the family really. And my favourite ‘uncle’ and ‘aunt’ were in this category. I felt loved and cared for by them as if they were real family, and of course they were!

So who have you got in your family? Let’s recognise our closeness and love for these special people who have agreed to be part of our family in this lifetime, just as we have chosen to have them in our family. Some of them will be very close to us: lots of contact and mutual support; some of them will have gone their own way, yet still be there if you need them; and some of them will be that somewhat eccentric or awkward one that you can’t help but love anyway!

Cherish these people – they are your real family. And if you meet someone you wish were part of your family, nurture the relationship and bring them in. You really can create the family you would love to have.

I NEED A WITNESS!

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I’ve recently had a series of glitches to deal with: feeling a bit under the weather, heating not working properly, not being able to find something I need to buy in any shops, a broken tooth, etc. None of it has been awful, but as they had accumulated, they had taken over and coloured my perspective, with the effect that life in general started to feel shit!

This is as unreal as wearing rose-tinted glasses, and nowhere near as pleasurable!

I am lucky enough to have a dear friend who is brilliant at giving me a dose of my own medicine. He listened to my sad, self-pitying story, and then kindly yet firmly challenged me out of it. He pointed out that I was letting some temporary setbacks take over my story and playing victim to fate. He reminded me that most of the time life feels pretty good to me, and this particular story is not who I am, nor who I want to be, and that I already know how to shift myself from that place I had got into.

After a few minutes, the clouds started to lift from my world, and I began to remember that quite a lot of my life was working well. In fact, I could talk about some of the good things that are happening, and could see some ways of dealing with those glitches.

Now those of you who know me will know that I’m pretty good at helping others like he helped me, but this reminded me of how important it is to have a ‘witness’ who is not caught up in your story and can remind you of the bigger perspective. We all get caught in self-pity sometimes, and we all lose our perspective on life. We don’t have to beat ourselves up about it – we just need someone who will prompt us to look at it differently.

Friends who sympathise and say, ‘Oh dear, how awful!’ confirm that your story is a hard one. Those who can challenge you back into a bigger version of who you are are invaluable.

Thank you Cliff!

WHAT DOES FAMILIARITY BREED?

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We have an aphorism: familiarity breeds contempt. It has always felt somewhat cynical and pessimistic to me. It suggests that the more I get to know about something or somebody, the more faults I find, to the point where I lose respect for them or it.

I understand that one way we can interpret this is that it is easy to take for granted the thoughtfulness of those close to you, the comfort of being with people you know well, the everyday habits that you know how to work with.

And it is important to remind ourselves to appreciate and value these things, however familiar they may be. There is no guarantee that they will always be there, and our conscious appreciation is a way of affirming their importance in making our lives easier and more enjoyable.

To me, though, familiarity breeds three other underlying emotions that have tremendous value in our lives.

The first of these is trust. We get to know that there are aspects of our relationship that we can rely on and that stay no matter what. With a person, this may be knowing that they won’t betray a confidence, or that they’ll bounce us out of a bad mood.

The second of these emotions is comfort. We can settle back into the relationship, even after a space away, knowing how it will be, finding it easy, not having to make a great effort, accepting them as they accept us.

And the third one is affection. When we are familiar with someone, we are fond of them as a whole person, their mixture of characteristics, and even the thought of them makes us smile.

These are all important foundations which provide the basis from which we can move out to the unfamiliar, and thereby perhaps bring even more opportunities for appreciation, trust, comfort and affection – how lovely is that!!

Thank you my friends for being my familiars!!

THE RIPPLE EFFECT

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The ripple effect was first brought to my attention by David Hamilton. His books and talks are all based on research into how our thoughts and actions affect both our health and our impact on others. If you haven’t come across him, he’s worth a read or a watch.

The ripple effect is the effect we have, not just on those we interact with, but on those they interact with as well. In fact, research suggests that the effect is noticeable to at least 3 degrees of separation. That means that if I am friendly, helpful, kind to several people in a day, each of them is more likely to be more friendly, helpful, kind, to the people they interact with, and then each of those people will pass it on as well.

Wow!! Every time I think about it, I find it’s a salutary reminder to be conscious of the impact I am having, because I am affecting a lot of people, for good or ill.

My snapping at someone in frustration may mean they are churlish with their children when they get home – I don’t like that thought. On the other hand, my friendly greeting or sympathetic comment may mean that they are more helpful to the next person they encounter – that is more appealing.

The ripple effect also means that I am aware of the impact others have on me. If we’re aware of how negative or positive energy ripples out, we can consciously counteract the negative ripples when they come at us. I don’t have to take on a negative impact. I can shake it off then and there, so it doesn’t spread further.

In fact, when we’re really on form, we can do more than just stop the negative ripple – we may be able to transform it into a more positive one. For example, if someone is clearly pissed off, we can listen sympathetically, remind them of something to make them laugh instead, help them to change their mood. That way, the ripple effect from them is changed for others too.

We forget sometimes how powerful we are. Our small individual actions and behaviours impact on a much greater scale than we can actually observe.

Next time you’re tempted to snap at someone, just remember: what impact do you want to have on the world?

So let’s ripple away to make the world a better place! It’s not hard to smile – it takes less effort than a frown – and it’s more pleasant for us to be friendly and helpful rather than isolate ourselves. And it only takes a smile to change the world for the better.

PEACE ON EARTH, GOODWILL TO ALL

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This blog is called Ways of Remembering. In our world today, I think it’s worth remembering what Christmas really stands for. The message that accompanies the birth of Christ is simple and profound: peace on earth, goodwill to all.

It isn’t Christmas trees or presents; it isn’t overindulgence in food and drink; it isn’t spending money, going into debt. Jesus set the example of a different mind-set, and whether we believe in him or not, it’s a great example that we can all attempt to follow.

He demonstrated by example that everyone has value and deserves kindness, no matter how different from you they may be. He used stories to remind people that it may be the outcast or stranger who actually lives the values we say we have, and those who claim the highest ground often use it to exclude or condemn others, rather than to help others to be in the same place. This is what goodwill to all looks like – inclusiveness and kindness.

Jesus also famously said, ‘Turn the other cheek’. This is often interpreted as weakness or submission, but I think it simply means: stand in your place, but don’t fight for it. If we truly believe we have got it right, we have no need to prove it to others, or try to force them to agree with us . We are more likely to influence another person by being our truth than by trying to convince them with words. This is peace on earth.

So this Christmas, let’s be kind and warm with others – (and ourselves!). Let’s be the best we can be, and let others be how they are without judgement. Let’s have some peace and goodwill, at least within our own sphere of influence!

May you have a peaceful, warm and joyous Christmas time..

THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STORY

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So much in our world at the moment seems to be doom and gloom: our politics, our ‘news’, the lack of compassion for others. It is hard to break out of the predominant zeitgeist sometimes, and remember that this isn’t the only human condition.

Yet in amongst this, there are always reminders that there is so much more to being human. I was reminded this week in a way I wasn’t really expecting. I went to see “Mamma Mia: Here We Go Again”. I don’t really like musicals or Abba’s music, but I sat and soaked up the atmosphere it created: warm, funny and joyful. It made me laugh and cry, engaged me totally, and left me with a feeling of hope and optimism. Why? It told the other side of the story of being human.

Most of the people I know and meet are kind and friendly. They are not selfish or greedy. They may worry about things, but they find their way through it. It’s time we boosted these aspects of being human and began to offset that unpleasant version that seems to infect everything.

If we’re going to change the zeitgeist, we have to start with ourselves. We can be the role modes and demonstrate the best of the human condition.

So let’s start by refusing to take on the story:

  • Let’s find the reasons to be optimistic rather than despairing
  • Let’s notice the good in people rather than what’s wrong
  • Let’s be kind and compassionate rather than critical
  • Let’s find reasons to laugh rather than be miserable
  • Lets appreciate what we have rather than wish we had more
  • And let’s enjoy all the good moments in our lives

It’s time we all told the other side of the story by how we live our lives, and that way we can remind even more people that life can be good.

DON’T BE A FIXER!

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Have you ever told someone about something you had a problem with, and had them immediately jump in with a solution to your problem? We all have, haven’t we? And occasionally it’s useful and helpful, but often it is just somewhat annoying, yet you know they’re just trying to help.

Their solution can sound condescending or just be inappropriate. It may be something you have already considered and decided wouldn’t work for you, or it may just not fit for you or your particular version of the problem.

You see, most fixes offered are ones that would make sense in the fixer’s view of the world, rather than yours. The fixer is interpreting the problem in the way it would show up in their lives and offering the solution that would work for them. So they’ve solved the problem for themselves, should it appear, but not for you! The problem may sound the same as it would in their world, but the implications and impact of it in your world will be different. Similarly, the solution may work in their world, but it may not fit your way of sorting things out, or deal with all the implications for you.

Of course, we’ve all been that ‘fixer’ as well, and of course, we offer the solution because we want to help. So how can we help more usefully?

There are two ways we can be really helpful to someone with a problem. The first way is to take the time to allow them just to talk about it, without judgement or interruptions.

Many years ago, a friend of mine phoned to suggest she came round that evening. I was feeling really miserable and that the world was full of shit, so I told her not to. Ten minutes later, she knocked at the door. ‘I’ve brought wine, and pen and paper,’ she said. ‘I’m going to take notes while you tell me all about it, and we have a glass of wine.’

After about half an hour of pouring out my miseries, I began to feel my mood changing. I apologised for inflicting it all on her, and she said: ‘you didn’t. I was in a good mood anyway, and I feel just fine. I thought I could just be a light at the end of the tunnel, and help you to make your way through that tunnel.’ What a lovely description of what she had done to help me! She had kept herself feeling good, and allowed me to express what I was feeling so it came out of my mind and body, and I could get some perspective again. Just allowing me to talk it out made such a difference.

The second thing we can do for others is to ask questions that help them to sort it out for themselves, in ways that work in their world. A few useful questions might be:

  • What exactly is bothering you about this?
  • How would you like it to be resolved?
  • What would make it possible for you to sort it out?
  • What would help you to sort it out?

These sorts of questions help people to find their own answers, ones that will work for them.

So next time someone comes to you with a problem, don’t be a fixer – be someone who helps them to help themselves.

REAL CONVERSATIONS

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If I had to choose one thing that I couldn’t do without in my life, it would be real conversations. Depriving myself of that would reduce my quality of life immeasurably.

Etymologically, conversation means we turn with each other. It is where we follow the thread the other sets up and then see where it leads. It requires a curiosity about another’s world and a desire to share. It is so much more than talking or even listening.

There is an inevitability about it leading to more than facts or information – it is always going to be philosophical. By that I mean we will pick up on attitudes to and beliefs about life, work, the world, because we are sharing who we are, not just what we know or do or have.

It has nothing to do with intellect – it is about following our native intelligence, and being prepared to share our hearts with another. It is opening ourselves up and encouraging another to do the same.

These conversations are a part of friendships and close relationships for me. I am lucky to have quite a few people who are always up for a real conversation, and indulge my enjoyment of it.

And then there are those moments when we can also share a real conversation with a stranger, and bring something different into our world. We discover shared passions or interests, and we also explore our differences and gain a greater understanding of different attitudes, cultures and backgrounds, that are not part of our world. It is such a lovely way to learn and grow!

I have recently had two wonderful conversations in this vein with two very different people: one with a very bright successful businessman, and one with a delightful wine grower. I may not ever meet them again, but they have enriched my world by sharing something of themselves with me.

Next time you have the opportunity, prompt a real conversation: offer your stories, talk about what you love, what matters to you, and ask them for their stories in return. People are pretty amazing when you engage them in real conversations.

ASKING FOR HELP

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Why do we find it so hard to ask for help? I’ve pondered this question many a time, and not really come up with anything useful. Over the last few months, I’ve come up with a theory that might help, so here goes!

Once upon a time, (not that long ago in our history) we lived in communities where we all helped each other – that’s how we survived. We bartered our skills or strengths for those of other people, and between us we could do more, have a better chance of thriving. Although a generalisation, there is no doubt that cooperation, sharing of abilities, helping each other out, were vital to the development of human culture.

This allowed us to go beyond survival mode, to begin to differentiate between skills, and give some more value than others. This weakened the bargaining power of some and strengthened the bargaining power of others. For example, once everyone knew how to preserve and cook their food, it was no longer a valuable skill. On the other hand, someone who was great at developing useful tools would have a special talent to barter.

So those who had the valued skills didn’t have to ask for help – it was given to them in return for their skills. Only those who were seen as weaker would have to ask for help, and risk being refused or taken advantage of. And although we no longer live in those communities, we have absorbed into our culture the idea that asking for help is a sign of weakness, and leaves us vulnerable. If only we’d absorbed more thoroughly the other part of community living – that cooperation and helping each other out enables us all to thrive!!

So how do we counteract this underlying sense that asking for help shows weakness and makes us vulnerable? The most important thing is to collect evidence that the effect of asking for help is different from that.

If you think of when others have asked you for help, you will notice that, in most instances, it is a pleasure to do so. It feels good to be able to give someone a hand, whether that be just because it’s easier if two of you do it – carrying something heavy – or because it’s something you are good at, and they’re using your skill – checking spelling and grammar in an important document.

And if you think of times when you have asked for help, haven’t people responded positively most of the time?

When we do have negative reactions, either in ourselves or from others, it tends to be for one of two reasons: it feels like a power play, or it feels like someone is taking advantage.

The power play is someone refusing to help or putting major conditions on their help. This does make you feel weak and put down. Taking advantage is when someone is always asking for your help, without ever offering something in return – we feel used.

Now those of us who find it hard to ask for help are never going to come in the latter category! The last thing we’re going to do is to expect constant help in an unbalanced way. We may occasionally come across someone who tries the power play game, in which case we need to ask someone else!

Most of us will be good at offering help, being generous with our time and talents. Let’s not be superman or superwoman though. Then we’re the ones making others feel weak! Asking others for help shows that we also sometimes can’t do it all on our own, it makes us human. And it makes those around us feel valued for what they have to offer. It is that essential trait of human beings, their ability to cooperate and help each other out.

So start collecting your evidence that asking for help generally has a good effect on all concerned. And don’t struggle on, being independent – we all do so much better when we ‘re being interdependent, when we work together.

HAPPY MONDAY!

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I was re-reading the story of Winnie-the-Pooh deciding to go and see all his friends. When Piglet said that they should have a reason for going, he said, “We’ll go to wish them a Happy Thursday.”

So often we wait till we have a reason to make contact with our friends, some news to tell them or something to ask them. And these are good reasons to make contact, so long as we are clear in our intention. I certainly phone people I’m close to to give them a ‘progress report’ or ask for theirs, or to ask a favour, or respond to their call.

And we all have that moment, from time to time, when someone comes into our mind from out of the blue, and I believe it is a prompt from the universe to say hello again to them. In my experience, these are often the most delightful conversations because they have no agenda of any kind. When we ask them how they are, and what’s going on with them, it is because our only intention is to re-join with their world and show our interest and affection – it is not the polite preamble to what we really phoned them for.

By taking notice of this fleeting remembrance of someone, we extend our repertoire of reasons for phoning to include perhaps the most important one of all – I was thinking about you with affection.

So who might you call, just to say Happy Monday?