Tag Archives: behaviour with others

COMPASSION OR EMPATHY?

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In ‘The Book of Joy’ – conversations between the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu – they describe empathy as just feeling for someone and compassion as taking the extra step and saying, ‘What can I do to help?’ I love this distinction because it clarifies something I was told a long time ago by some people who had physical disabilities: ‘We don’t want your pity, sympathy or even empathy – it doesn’t help us to be who we can be.’

I learnt by experimentation how to move from sympathy or empathy to compassion with them and got roundly told off if I got it wrong! I remember one young woman who wanted to go to the toilet. I took her there, and lifted her out of the wheelchair to sit her on the toilet, but she was quite heavy and I lost my grip on her. She slid down between the toilet and the wall of the cubicle. I was horrified, and kept saying, ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry.’ Dorcas looked at me and said, ‘Have another go and for goodness’ sake laugh – I must look very funny stuck in this position!’ Wow!! She showed me that I was not reacting as I would if she were my friend, but with pity for her predicament and guilt for my part in making it worse. I wasn’t allowing either her or me to be just humans.

Acting with compassion doesn’t have to be a big thing. You don’t have to volunteer to go into a war zone and help those injured, but you do have to remember that small things can help others and show our compassion with them as fellow human beings.

  • Listen when someone wants to tell you about something with your full attention
  • Freshen up the pillows of someone who is ill in bed and hold their hand
  • Help someone pick up their stuff if they’ve dropped their shopping bag
  • Remind the mum whose child is having a tantrum in the supermarket that it does get better as they get older, hopefully!
  • Have a conversation with the person who says good morning at the bus stop – don’t just look the other way
  • Hold the door open for that person behind you who is in a rush and looking agitated
  • And if you don’t know what to do that would help, ask the person concerned.

All these little acts of kindness and recognition add up to a lot of compassion, and moreover, they are infectious. If you take that small action, often others will do the same.

And don’t forget to show the same compassion for yourself. If you’re feeling miserable or irritated, or unhappy, or rushed, what can you do to help yourself? We can only be as compassionate with others as we are with ourselves, so start by helping yourself to be who you really are.

A WIDER PERSPECTIVE

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I watched the programming for Comic Relief last week, and laughed and cried my way through the evening. It is a really powerful combination of emotions. We laugh and it opens us up, mentally and emotionally. We watch the stories of those that Comic Relief helps, who are all suffering some form of deprivation, both in the UK and Africa, and our open hearts feel for them and recognise the injustice of a world where children die of preventable diseases, where people are lonely and distressed.

It reminds us forcefully of our own good fortune, if we have a roof over our heads, warmth, food, love – the basics of life – and gives us a wider perspective on the problems we do have: for most of us they are not in the world-shattering category. It also illustrates the courage and perseverance of human beings in the face of adversity, and the kindness and compassion that we are naturally wired to give to others, when we move beyond our own little world. And above all, it reminds us that love and laughter are things we can all share, no matter who we are or what our circumstances are.

The Comic Relief event always feels like a dose of salts for regaining our perspective on life!

So what?

  • Give some money if you haven’t already – or even if you have! http://www.comicrelief.com/
  • Give thanks for the aspects of your life you normally take for granted: a home, food, people who love you, enough money to live, an education, a job
  • Be kind – to anyone and everyone! You don’t know how much difference your smile or kind word may make to someone
  • Use your own courage and perseverance to deal with the problems in your own life
  • And laugh whenever you can and let your heart and mind open!

LET’S TALK STORY

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I love those conversations with people where we find out more about each other. They are where we realise what we have in common with each other and how we are different. We gain a better understanding of each other’s worlds, and we learn how fascinating people and their stories are.

So often our interactions with others are superficial – small talk. These are not real conversations, because they don’t allow the other person into your world. I wonder, is this because we fear that they may not like us if they find out who we really are? How daft is that!

There will always be some people who don’t like us, for whatever reason, no matter how much we try to give the ‘right’ impression. We can’t actually control whether other people like us or not, so it’s a waste of effort to try to.

On the other hand, I find that being willing to tell stories from my own life – the funny, the moving, the absurd, the wonderful – often provokes others to tell some of their stories, and that allows us to relate at a different level. We notice our foibles and our strengths with affection and respect, and I fall in love with people who at first glance would not be ‘my type’.

Hawaiians have an expression for this form of conversation: they call it ‘talking story’. I love this!! If someone suggests that we talk story, I am immediately engaged – this will be fun, fascinating, heart-warming. It has that warm tone to it, that delight in our diverse humanity, and we all know how it will feel. There is a clear intention to share in a positive way, and make each other feel listened to and respected for their humanness.

And we can all encourage other to talk story rather than stay at the protective shell level by being willing to start the process: be the first one to admit to your humanness and make it safe for others to join in.

It’s so much more satisfying and enriching than small talk or gossip, so come on, let’s talk story!

DO YOU WANT TO BE KIND OR RIGHT?

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I remember seeing Wayne Dyer give a talk based on this question, and it really hit home for me. I love debating issues and I can get really caught up in ‘winning’ the argument, showing that I’ve thought it through, or I know more about it – and when I do that, I have no regard for how the other person feels.

I can also be self-righteous – you know, the ‘I told you so’ syndrome – a great way of rubbing salt in the wound!

Both of these ways of being are ego-based: proving yourself, being clever or right. They may be accurate, but they’re surely not kind. They’re designed to make us feel good about ourselves at the expense of the other person.

Wayne Dyer’s words gave me a jolt to the system. I now tend to just stop for a moment before I launch into that winning argument or that self-righteous comment. After all, being right is not going to endear me to others, or even make me feel good for more than a moment.

This doesn’t mean that I don’t ever tell my truth, or that I don’t express my views – far from it. It means that I attempt to express myself in ways that don’t put others down. When you take a moment, you have the space to consider:

  • Does it matter who is right on this issue?
  • Will it help me or them to grow and evolve?
  • Is it really just my point of view rather than a truth?
  • How can I express this in a way that’s useful or constructive?

Just by asking ourselves these questions we automatically reset the way we express ourselves with the other person. We are more likely to take into consideration their experience, their world-view. We are more likely to use a helpful approach rather than a bombastic one. And we are more likely to use our own knowledge or experience to help them to grow their own awareness rather than put them down.

I may know I’m right, but I don’t then have to prove it. I would rather be kind than right – it feels better – so let’s just stop for a moment next time we want to prove a point – and be kind instead!

WHAT’S YOUR INTENTION?

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They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions – I don’t believe it. I think it is paved with unclear or egotistical intentions.

Most of the time, we don’t consciously consider our intention before we embark on an action or behaviour – we just act. Yet behind that action or behaviour there is always an emotional driver – a form of intention.

Think about it for a moment. You decide to give someone a call: is it because you care about them and want them to feel cared for and thought about, or is it because they haven’t called you and you want them to feel guilty about it? You do someone a favour: is it because you are glad to help out, or are you keeping a tally of what each of you ‘owes’ the other, or you want to be seen as a kind or good person?

I don’t point this out to make you feel bad about your intentions! We all sometimes have that ‘hidden agenda’ behind our actions, behaviours and words. More importantly, our intention affects both how we approach things and what results we get.

When I do things to make myself feel important or good or kind, I have an expectation of some recognition, and that affects how I do it. I will tend to make it clear that I’m putting myself out and I am very disappointed if others don’t give me the recognition I feel I deserve.

When I do things to make others feel awkward or put down, my tone in the interaction is different, and I will tend to create defensiveness or ‘attacks’ in return – it’s how we create quarrels!

None of this makes us feel good. We end up disappointed or irritated. It’s really not worth it because we don’t get the result we want, and even if we do – the other person does feel bad about what they’ve done – it only makes us feel justified for a moment. It doesn’t clear anything.

Of course, we all want to be recognised for the good things we do. The paradox is that the recognition comes more often and more genuinely when we don’t ask for it or expect it. Equally, we do need to clear the air when there is an ‘edge’ between us and someone else because otherwise it will affect our relationship. And when our intention is to clear the air so as to keep the relationship sound, the interaction plays out very differently.

I’m not suggesting that we should be perfect and only ever act from a clear and positive intention – we’re only human after all! It’s just worth stopping for a breathspace before you launch in, to ask yourself what you’re doing this for – and if it’s to make the other feel bad, or to make yourself look good, maybe you would be better to leave it for now – for your own sake. In an hour or two, or day or two, you may be able to find a positive intention for the action or behaviour, one that is to enhance things, and then you will both benefit.

WHEN IS ENOUGH ENOUGH?

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Whenever I go into town at the moment, I see people struggling to carry all the things they have bought, presumably for Christmas presents. What is all this stuff? It makes me remember when we went to India during the period of Diwali. There they emphasised that it was about the triumph of light over darkness, so you buy a candle, fireworks, and the presents are primarily sweets. Above all, it is about sharing happiness about the saving of the world from darkness and evil so a simple gift and some light is enough.

We seem to have lost sight of that.

Of course, wanting more isn’t just about buying stuff – although at Christmas that is the particularly obvious symptom. We also have learnt to want more in all sorts of ways: more money, more food, more status, more qualifications, more success. Yet all these things don’t bring us what we really want: more happiness, more love, more feeling of belonging.

So before you buy more food, more presents, more decorations, just take a moment and ask yourself if there is another way you can show those you love that they matter to you, another way to spread more happiness.

We can easily share preparing and eating a simple meal and all take joy from it. We can easily share an evening of laughter, music, conversation. We can easily give someone a kind word, some attention.

It costs nothing much and feeds us with what we really want – love.

ARE YOU RESPONSIVE OR REACTIVE?

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All of us spend large chunks of our time interacting with others, and if not with others, we are always interacting with our environment and ourselves in some way. How we choose to play our part in these interactions has a massive effect on both us and others, and we can make it easier if we just take a breathspace to remind ourselves to respond rather than react.

A couple of examples have made me think of this recently:

  1. I tripped over my kittens playing in the hall and banged my head against the door lintel. I reacted by shouting at them for being in the way, feeling sorry for myself because it hurt, and just getting cross.
  2. Someone had emailed me to say that they had expected me to reply to their email more quickly than I did, and I reacted by mailing back to them that some of us don’t spend all our time checking for mails.

In both these examples, I made things worse for myself by reacting – blaming others, trying to make them feel bad, and leaving myself in a bad mood in the process. Was it worth it? A resounding no!

If I had just taken a breath, I would have realised sooner that I was tired and rushing, and the kittens were just doing their thing – what I really needed to do was sit down for a bit and regroup myself.

If I had taken a breath, I would have realised that the person mailing me was trying to sort things out, to my benefit as well, and probably didn’t intend to be offensive or accusing. I could have apologised and suggested that they ring me in future if it’s urgent – that’s always quicker.

These alternative approaches are responses: the word means you weigh it up or consider it first. This way, we avoid knee-jerk reactions – that immediate emotional reaction that we often have to situations.

Of course, there are times when a reaction is lovely because it is a positive reaction and we see immediately that we have genuinely pleased someone or made them feel better about something. It is those negative reactions we need to watch out for.

And I don’t suggest this because it is kinder to other people – I suggest it because it is kinder to you. We cerate unpleasantness for ourselves, as much if not more than we do for others, by not considering before we respond.

So next time you feel that anger, hurt, upset, rise up in you, just take a breathspace before you do anything – it could make your life easier.

HOW ARE YOU TODAY?

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I remember when I first went to the US, and people would say: ‘Hi, how are you?’ and I’d start to answer them and then realise that it wasn’t a question at all, just a greeting – they didn’t expect an answer.

I also remember that question being challenged years ago, when I was studying philosophy, because it was open to so many interpretations. I could say, ‘I’m 5 foot 10 inches tall’, or ‘I’m clumsy at art’ and they would be valid answers, if not what the person intended!

‘How are you?’ is still a standard opening gambit with many of us, and there’s a wisdom in that if we follow it through to its intention. If we can establish what sort of place someone is in when we first meet them, we can adapt how we interact with them, so it works better.

In Native American traditional culture, it was normal to just sit down with someone you hadn’t seen for a while, so both of you could get a sense of how the other one was, and you would only begin a conversation when you had assessed the situation. We are not good at just sensing how someone is, – nor at sitting in silence with someone! – So asking ‘How are you?’ is our version of that, when used well.

However, we have largely lost that flavour to it. We may ask the question but we often don’t really want to know the answer – we just want to get on with the business in hand. And when we answer the question, we use a lot of meaningless phrases to almost dismiss it: ‘ I’m OK’, ‘Alright, thanks’, ‘Not bad..’ ‘Fine’. Sometimes this is because we also want to just get on with whatever the interaction is about, and sometimes it is because we sense that the other person is not really interested in our answer.

And we all lose out when we do this. We miss out on an opportunity to make real human connection, and to properly assess what will make the interaction we have work better. We also miss the chance to build a relationship that has more depth to it with that person, so that it becomes easier and easier to be with them. After all, we al feel more valued and feel more positive towards those who take a genuine interest in us and our situation.

So maybe it’s time to ask the question in a different way. We could experiment with these:

  • What’s going on in your world?
  • How’s life treating you today?
  • What’s going on with you?
  • How is today going for you?

Or we could set the tone by answering the unasked question first: ‘Hi, I’ve had a productive morning, how about you?’ or ‘I’m feeling a bit rushed today, how about you?’

It doesn’t take long to pay attention to how someone is before we launch into the interaction, and it helps both of us to feel more connected, more cared for, more taken account of.

So how are you today?

DID YOU SAY THANK YOU?

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I remember as a child hearing this phrase over and over again from my mum and thinking that she was making a fuss over nothing – especially since in those days we had to actually write thank you letters for birthday and Christmas presents, even if you didn’t particularly appreciate the gift – what a pain!

And now I’m so glad that she hammered home that particular habit! It is such a simple thing to do, yet it is a powerful way to positively influence an interaction or relationship, to show appreciation rather than take something for granted, and to make a real exchange.

Of course we all say thank you when someone has gone out of their way to help us or to give us something special. We’re not ignorant and we appreciate the special effort. It’s all the ordinary everyday interactions that we can take for granted, the times when people are just doing what they do.

Mum made the dinner, the checkout operator put our groceries through the till, our colleague did their part of the job, the kids got up for school without being nagged – did you notice? We all know that when we’re the one who just gets on and does what they do, we can end up feeling unappreciated, but it doesn’t always translate into remembering to appreciate what others do. And we all know how good it feels when someone does notice those little things that are often taken for granted.

I catch the bus into the town centre, and I love the fact that most people say thank you to the driver when they get off the bus –one person can set the trend and show some appreciation for a safe journey, and someone else navigating the traffic for us. And most drivers respond with a smile – it makes their job feel more worthwhile.

So who do you need to thank a bit more? Who do you take for granted? Be a trendsetter and say thank you – it makes such a difference!

 

JUST GIVE ME SOME ATTENTION!

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As I sat here thinking about writing, I had my foot gently chewed by one kitten while the other kneaded my sweater from behind. So I stopped, put my paper down, and gave them both a bit of fuss. Now they’ve gone off to play together.

One of their first learnings was how to successfully get my attention, preferably without any cursing of them involved! We are the same – sometimes we just want a bit of attention, and we all learn tricks to get it.

We start as babies: crying, cooing, smiling – they all work to some extent. Then we progress to tantrums, being clever, being extra well behaved or being naughty, and we gradually develop our own particular ways of getting that bit of attention.

You don’t think you do it any more? Think again! If you ever feel that a conversation with a friend is a bit one-sided – you listen to them, but they don’t ask about you – you want some attention. If you ever resent the fact that nobody noticed that you cleaned the house, you want some attention. If you ever feel that nobody cares, you want some attention.

We all want others to show that they care about us, to value what we do and are, to show that we matter to them, to give us some love, or at least notice us. And we’re all a bit lax about demonstrating to others that we do care for them and love them, that they matter to us and that we appreciate them.

The question isn’t whether you try to get attention; it’s whether you have useful tactics to gain the sort of attention you want.

Complaining, pouting, flouncing away, sulking, doing something with a lot of fuss and bother – these are some of the less useful tactics we adopt. They may attract attention, but it is not likely to be the sort we really want.

So what can we do to gain that attention we would like?

Well, I think the most obvious way is one people rarely use: to ask directly. ‘It would really help if you could just sit and listen to me for a little while’. Or, ‘I would like to feel that you appreciate what I do’. Most people will respond positively and sympathetically to the request: they’re not intentionally withholding attention from you, they’re just not aware that you want it.

We can also remember what makes us give attention to others and behave similarly. We tend to pay attention to someone who makes interesting conversation, if they are good company, when they’re friendly and pleasant, when they’re funny or quirky, when they’re endearing.

Finally we can do something that sounds counter-intuitive: when we want attention, we can give it instead. Ask the other person abut what’s going on in their world, appreciate what they have been doing, tell them how much they mean to you. When we give attention, we often receive it in return.

And don’t forget that the need for attention can sometimes remind us that we don’t appreciate ourselves enough. Be proud of your achievements, your positive moves, your effort, your good work. Count them all, big and small, and pat yourself on the back. Give yourself the attention you deserve – you’re worth it!