Category Archives: Ways of Remembering

Di’s Blog Post Articles

BREAK THAT SPIRAL

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Do you have any of those thoughts that spiral round and round in your head? You know the ones I mean: the ones that make us feel bad about ourselves. ‘I’m looking awful these days’, or ‘I always get that wrong,’ or ‘I’m not very good at…’ they can be like a stuck record, only worse, because they don’t just keep repeating, they seem to collect extra debris on the way, and add to their weight and criticism or fearfulness! So ‘I always get that wrong’ collects things like, ‘and I get this wrong as well, and oh this too..’ and after a while, we begin to believe we don’t get anything right. What’s more, we think that ‘everyone’ must think we’re an idiot!

It’s like having a computer virus in your head, gradually infecting your thinking until it seems to have taken over.

Well, the good news is that it is easier to tackle than a computer virus, because it isn’t really infecting anything. It would be more useful to view it as a vacuum cleaner. It’s collecting some of the crap you’ve got lying around in your thoughts, and if you were to empty the dust bag, you could get rid of some of the thoughts that are no longer useful to you, and have more space to notice the other, more useful thoughts that have been hidden by that carp!

So next time you notice that you’ve got one of those spirals going on in your head, empty the dust bag and clear them out! Write them on a scarp of paper and put them in the waste bin (not the recycling!). And remember, you’ve probably got quite a few similar bits of crap floating around somewhere in your mind – we collect a lot over our lifetime – so you may need to repeat the process. And each time you do, your mind has a little more space to put useful thoughts in. so remind yourself of some of your lovely qualities, and store something more useful in those spaces!

WE ALL NEED TO GROW STUFF!

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I picked my first home-grown courgette of the season this morning, and it reminded me of some of the delights of growing stuff. A tiny seed planted three months ago has become a big plant with lovely yellow flowers and delicious fruits to harvest and eat – it’s like magic! And the taste is different from anything you can buy in a supermarket. In fact, it has a real taste, as do the strawberries, carrots, lettuce leaves, even potatoes.

We have lost touch with the natural goodness and freshness of home-grown food, and the seasonal delights of our fruit and veg. Supermarkets have made them available year round, but at the cost of their taste and goodness, using all sorts of methods to make them look good and last, at the expense of their taste and health-giving properties.

It isn’t just the joy of harvesting and eating that makes growing stuff good for us. We get a bit of fresh air on a regular basis, even sunshine sometimes. This gives us the vitamin D we need to be healthy. We have contact with the earth, which literally grounds us and helps to counteract the effect of spending so much time surrounded by concrete, tarmac, metal, bricks and mortar.

And we are reminded that nature (including us) works in cycles. It isn’t natural to have instant results – it takes time and there is a flow to it, if we want a sustainable result.

Once upon a time, our lives would automatically have included the activities of sowing seed, nurturing our plants and harvesting what we grew. Without that we would have gone hungry. That is no longer the case, as we can easily and conveniently feed ourselves without ever experiencing the process of producing that food – we don’t even have to cook it these days! It may make life easier, but it means that we miss out on the joys, reminders and health-giving effects that growing something gives us.

Now I know that not everyone will want to grow their own veg and fruit, but we could all just enjoy one thing grown in our own garden, or even just a pot on the kitchen windowsill: fresh herbs, a strawberry plant, some cut- and-come-again lettuce. The satisfaction is great, and it doesn’t have to be a lot of work.

And if you’re not into fruit and veg, growing a few flowers from seed is lovely. A few sweet peas on a tripod, a few marigolds in a pot – to sow the seeds and water them, and then have flowers a few months later is a treat for the soul.

A little bit of growing stuff is good for us. If you already do, appreciate the benefits and joys it brings you. If you don’t, get yourself a seed tray and some salad leaves seed, or some flower bulbs and a pot. Bring a little more nature and pleasure into your life.

ARE YOUR PREJUDICES USEFUL?

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In our culture, prejudice has become a dirty word, suggesting that we are not ‘politically correct’, and that we are prejudiced for superficial reasons. Yet we do all have prejudices – we couldn’t manage without them.

A prejudice is simply a pre-formed assumption we make about the person or situation ahead of us, which sets the tone for how we approach it. It is based partly on our cultural upbringing, and partly on our own previous experience

Without our prejudices, we would find life almost impossible, having to assess the situation at hand afresh every time. It would be as if all our memory and experience were erased after each action we took, and we had to build the story from scratch each time.

Our prejudices give us a starting point for any given situation, based on what we already know. For example, we assume our friends want to spend time with us, care about what happens to us, and wish us well. So we look forward to seeing them or speaking with them, and expect sympathy if we have a problem and tell them about it. What these prejudices give us is a form of lens through which we view what happens: we notice all the evidence that these assumptions are true, and build our prejudices further.

So the question isn’t whether we have any prejudices; it is whether our prejudices are useful. For sure, being prejudiced towards expecting our friends to behave in certain ways is useful to us. Making the assumption that a meeting is bound to be difficult or boring may be less so!

Our prejudices are not set in stone, so we can choose to keep or discard the prejudices we have, and to create new ones that could serve us well, once we are aware of how they affect the way we see situations and people.

For me, a useful way to consider our prejudices is to distinguish between the ones we have for something and the ones we have against something. Many of those we have against something are not based on our experience primarily – they tend to be about things or people we don’t really know much about. On the other hand prejudices towards certain things tends to be based on our experience of it being useful to us.

An example would be how as children most of us are told not to speak to strangers. This may be a useful prejudice for a child – although possibly not to be applied to everyone they don’t know! – but as a grown-up the residue of this prejudice against strangers can be a real handicap. It would mean that we are wary of anyone we don’t know and approach interaction with them with some trepidation – that is a severe limitation on us as social animals. And of course, the alternative is to make the assumption that most strangers are good people who could be friends and will probably be helpful and pleasant – a much nicer way to be in the world!

A prejudice colours how we approach our everyday lives, so let’s make these colours bright and enjoy how that makes the world a brighter place. I find my prejudices are generally pretty useful to me – how about you?

 

THE WAY THINGS ARE GOING

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The results of the recent British general election delighted me – not because of the actual final result, but because of the underlying message. It was called by the conservatives on the assumption that people would respond to their insistence that they needed to be an even stronger majority in order to ‘beat’ the European leaders in the Brexit negotiations. Their message was based on fear and arrogance: without them we would lose out in the Brexit deal, and they knew best how to do it. It seems that they were ‘inspired’ by Donald Trump and his victory. They didn’t even bother to cost their manifesto properly and made no attempt to suggest that everyday life could improve – in fact, the opposite; they proposed more cuts. And when their ideas didn’t go down well, they slagged off the opposition, suggesting they were incompetent.

Labour, on the other hand, our main opposition party, campaigned on the basis of the belief that there could be a better way to approach the future in this country, talking about strategies to make people feel cared for, and they emphasised the policies that would help us to move forward, not just try to offset previous economic problems. They had worked carefully on their policies and thought them through, and they didn’t take the negative approach of trying to put down the conservatives – they explained how their own policies could work. Their message was based on looking forward positively and the genuine belief that there could be a better way in the future.

In the course of the electioneering, we had two terrorist attacks in Britain, and even then, fear was not the overwhelming reaction – it was kindness and courage and community.

And the Conservatives did get the majority of the seats, but not enough to form a government on their own – less than they had before. And Labour did lose the election, but gained 29 more seats and strengthened their voice throughout the country.

It seems to me that more people are tired of the emphasis on fear and individualism, and are wanting something more positive, inclusive and forward-looking. No-one ‘won’ this time, but the tide is turning.

And each of us can play our part in helping this tide to grow, because we reflect in microcosm what is going on on a grander scale, and we also contribute to it.

Reducing our fear

We have all absorbed the message that we need to be fearful of things getting worse in some way, because it is so prevalent in our culture. It may be sticking with a job you don’t like in case there’s nothing else out there for you, or thinking that we are unsafe on our own in a street, or some form of fitting in with peers even though you don’t really agree with it.

Whatever you have that is driven by a fear, just consider the possibility of stepping away from it a little – no grand gestures needed, just not allowing it to control you so much.

Compromising what we have as core values

Sometimes we all go along with something that isn’t being true to ourselves. We can all stand up for our values and give our genuine opinion. This doesn’t have to be harsh or argumentative. It can be as simple as saying, ‘I don’t agree with that,’ or ‘ I think that life would be better if….’

Telling our truth is important, and it can be done gently and kindly.

Moving towards a better way of living your life

It is easy to get caught in the story of wishing things were like they used to be, but that doesn’t make any difference. Let’s look to the future, and find small things to do that improve our lives.

Caring for yourself and others

Small acts of kindness create big differences. Let yourself have a rest instead of continuing to push yourself. Smile at that stranger whom you might otherwise ignore or avoid.

 

We can watch the news and feel that everything is wrong in our world, so what’s the point. Or we can notice the small signs that the tide is turning, and add our weight to them by playing our part. I prefer the second alternative – it is a more empowering, constructive and fun place to live!

COMPASSION OR EMPATHY?

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In ‘The Book of Joy’ – conversations between the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu – they describe empathy as just feeling for someone and compassion as taking the extra step and saying, ‘What can I do to help?’ I love this distinction because it clarifies something I was told a long time ago by some people who had physical disabilities: ‘We don’t want your pity, sympathy or even empathy – it doesn’t help us to be who we can be.’

I learnt by experimentation how to move from sympathy or empathy to compassion with them and got roundly told off if I got it wrong! I remember one young woman who wanted to go to the toilet. I took her there, and lifted her out of the wheelchair to sit her on the toilet, but she was quite heavy and I lost my grip on her. She slid down between the toilet and the wall of the cubicle. I was horrified, and kept saying, ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry.’ Dorcas looked at me and said, ‘Have another go and for goodness’ sake laugh – I must look very funny stuck in this position!’ Wow!! She showed me that I was not reacting as I would if she were my friend, but with pity for her predicament and guilt for my part in making it worse. I wasn’t allowing either her or me to be just humans.

Acting with compassion doesn’t have to be a big thing. You don’t have to volunteer to go into a war zone and help those injured, but you do have to remember that small things can help others and show our compassion with them as fellow human beings.

  • Listen when someone wants to tell you about something with your full attention
  • Freshen up the pillows of someone who is ill in bed and hold their hand
  • Help someone pick up their stuff if they’ve dropped their shopping bag
  • Remind the mum whose child is having a tantrum in the supermarket that it does get better as they get older, hopefully!
  • Have a conversation with the person who says good morning at the bus stop – don’t just look the other way
  • Hold the door open for that person behind you who is in a rush and looking agitated
  • And if you don’t know what to do that would help, ask the person concerned.

All these little acts of kindness and recognition add up to a lot of compassion, and moreover, they are infectious. If you take that small action, often others will do the same.

And don’t forget to show the same compassion for yourself. If you’re feeling miserable or irritated, or unhappy, or rushed, what can you do to help yourself? We can only be as compassionate with others as we are with ourselves, so start by helping yourself to be who you really are.

YOUR ‘ENERGY BANK’

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We all know how personal finance banking works, even if we don’t always stick to what we know! Being in debt is not a good idea, especially since the debt gets bigger the longer we leave it, as they charge interest. It’s best to keep in credit, and preferably to have a bit extra in case we have something unexpected to pay for.

Your personal energy bank works in the same way. If you use more energy than you have stored, you pay a price for it, in health and mental fitness. It is more advisable to ensure that you have enough energy for what you have to do, and preferably a little extra there for the unexpected calls on you.

The major difference between these two types of banking is that we are not reliant on external circumstances helping us to top up our energy bank. We can be in control of how much energy we take out and put in.

We all know the things that drain our energy resources and the things that top the account up, and many of those things are within our control. This is not necessarily logical or even shared with others. For example, some people feel energised by tidying up the garden ad for others it is a draining activity driven by necessity not pleasure. And time spent with some people energises you, whilst other people you find draining. We’re not even consistent: sometimes the same activity that can energise you may be draining.

However, we all know whether we feel energised or drained by any given activity – it is simple to assess by how we feel at the end of it – so we can keep our energy bank account healthy by doing that assessment on a regular basis and re-balancing the account when it’s been drained.

If you don’t do this re-balancing on a regular basis, that energy bank becomes more and more overdrawn, and when that happens, almost everything becomes an effort. Even those things we enjoy require a little energy to get started, and if there’s nothing to draw on, we end up finding everything draining – and that’s miserable!

So let’s consciously identify some simple things that will give us some energy, and use them to re-balance. For example, I know that pilates or a bit of a walk will work for me. If they’re not possible, certain music is instant energy, or a phone call to one of my friends, and sometimes just taking ten minutes out with a cup of coffee – or a glass of wine! – works. When you know some of the things that give you a boost you can use them to top up that energy, and even plan in advance, so that the draining activities you know you have to do are followed by a top-up activity.

Your energy bank is the driving force that determines how you approach things. Keep that account healthily in credit and you will enjoy life so much more – and that’s what it’s about, isn’t it!

LOWER THAT BAR!

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Every so often I realise that I’ve started evaluating myself against a set of standards that a saint would find it hard to match – and I’m no saint! I don’t think I’m unusual in this. We all fall into the trap of expecting ourselves to be perfect – whatever that means for us – and then berating ourselves for not matching up to that ideal. It’s very unfair – we wouldn’t do that to a friend.

There’s nothing wrong with having high standards, an ideal of how we would like to live our lives, how we’d like to be. In fact, it is part of how we motivate ourselves, and clarify whether we are making progress in our lives. The ideal picture gives us something to aim for and helps us to know what we really want life to be about.

However, it is not motivating to criticise ourselves for not being there yet, and anyway, if we were, we would disappear in a flash of white light, because we would have reached perfection!

The measure of our progress is not in what we haven’t yet achieved, but in what we have put into our lives that moves us towards that ideal. What encourages us to keep going is the recognition that we are gradually making progress, rather than noticing where we’ve slipped or failed or got stuck.

That means that we tell ourselves that we’re pleased with ourselves when we do those stretching exercises, rather than berating ourselves for not doing it today. And we don’t expect ourselves to do it every day, if we are having a go at doing it more often. We start with being pleased at once a week, and when that has become habitual, maybe three times a week. It means we give ourselves credit for all the times we deal with others and their moods compassionately, instead of beating ourselves up for a moment of temper or meanness with someone.

The question is not, ‘Have I done it perfectly?’ it is, ‘Am I doing a bit better on this aspect of my life than I was?’ or ‘What have I done well today towards my ideal picture?’ And if you don’t feel like you’re getting anywhere, then maybe you need to lower your expectation of yourself for a while, to begin to make progress – you’ll move more easily then.

This approach is not only kinder; it’s also more effective. None of us respond well to being criticised or made to feel like a failure, so why the hell would we do it to ourselves? Give yourself credit for what you do well, according to your own standards, and it gets easier to bring more of it into your life.

A QUIET MIND

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I don’t think we realise most of the time just how busy our mind is. It’s like when you leave the radio or TV on in the background – you don’t notice the noise after a while, until you turn it off and you notice the quiet.

The mind runs a commentary on whatever’s going on, or whatever you’re doing, so it tells you the story of your life: ‘I’m just sitting down for 5 minutes because I’m tired. I won’t need long before I can get going again – don’t want to sink into lethargy – lots to do – although I wish I could just stop sometimes.’ Your mind also does past and/or future at the same time – like having two different channels running simultaneously! ‘ I did quite a lot today, but I didn’t finish my list of tasks. And I must remember to phone so-and-so, and what shall I have for dinner?’

It’s amazing that we don’t go a bit crazy with it constantly playing in our heads – or maybe we do!! And it isn’t usually very kind in its commentary, and sometimes it is downright mean and twisted in its reasoning.

So once in a while, it’s great to be able to switch it off and have a rest, but this is not as easy as switching off the radio and TV. I remember learning a meditation where you count the breath up to ten, and them start again from one. I told the teacher I just couldn’t do it: I’d get to about three and then be distracted by my thoughts. He laughed and said that was normal – you just start over when you realise you’ve lost it again. I still find that I rarely get to five, years and years later!

And once in a while, I realise that the noise in my mind has shut up, apparently on its own – so what has that effect on it? For me, something moving gently with a natural rhythm seems to work. It may be a sound or, more often, something I’m looking at. Examples would be: the sound and sight of waves breaking on the shore; leaves on a tree moving gently in the breeze; a candle flame or a real fire; the tick of an old-fashioned clock. If I stay paying attention to it, the rhythmic sound or sight seems to lull my busy mind to sleep for a while. It’s as if the noise gradually fades away until there’s nothing left.

And a little while of that quiet feels so restful, so refreshing!

So what allows you to have a break from your own busy head? Experiment, find out, and enjoy a few moments of peace and quiet.

COLLATERAL BEAUTY

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I have stolen this phrase from a film I went to see last week. It is the title of the film, and meant nothing to me until I had watched it – if you haven’t seen it, do look for it – it is just lovely!

We all know what collateral damage means now, since they started using it in a war context: the unintended or unavoidable negative side effects of something. Collateral beauty simply describes the unexpected positive side effects of something which seems awful in itself.

At the macro level, it is the kindness and courage of people when there is a major tragedy. At a micro level, it is noticing the sparkle of the raindrops or the return of the birdsong after a heavy downpour. It is appreciating your ability to taste things after a bad cold and becoming conscious of the way nature creates beauty with blossom and flowers, when we are forced to stop our busyness because we are seriously ill.

For me, there are two useful reminders in the phrase.

  1. There is always some form of collateral beauty no matter what is going on. Nothing is wholly awful. We grow, we learn, we come to recognise our own strengths, when awful things happen. And even in the midst of that awfulness, there are always touches of sweetness to remind us that this is not the whole story.
  2. Much of that collateral beauty is always in our lives, should we choose to notice it. There is more kindness than cruelty shown by people in our world, even if it is less reported. Nature is always offering us treats for our senses, should we stop and pay attention for a moment. We can learn and grow and recognise our own strengths through good times as well as the bad ones.

So whatever your present circumstances, keep an eye out for the collateral beauty. It is the universe’s gift to us and we can only gain from it.

A WIDER PERSPECTIVE

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I watched the programming for Comic Relief last week, and laughed and cried my way through the evening. It is a really powerful combination of emotions. We laugh and it opens us up, mentally and emotionally. We watch the stories of those that Comic Relief helps, who are all suffering some form of deprivation, both in the UK and Africa, and our open hearts feel for them and recognise the injustice of a world where children die of preventable diseases, where people are lonely and distressed.

It reminds us forcefully of our own good fortune, if we have a roof over our heads, warmth, food, love – the basics of life – and gives us a wider perspective on the problems we do have: for most of us they are not in the world-shattering category. It also illustrates the courage and perseverance of human beings in the face of adversity, and the kindness and compassion that we are naturally wired to give to others, when we move beyond our own little world. And above all, it reminds us that love and laughter are things we can all share, no matter who we are or what our circumstances are.

The Comic Relief event always feels like a dose of salts for regaining our perspective on life!

So what?

  • Give some money if you haven’t already – or even if you have! http://www.comicrelief.com/
  • Give thanks for the aspects of your life you normally take for granted: a home, food, people who love you, enough money to live, an education, a job
  • Be kind – to anyone and everyone! You don’t know how much difference your smile or kind word may make to someone
  • Use your own courage and perseverance to deal with the problems in your own life
  • And laugh whenever you can and let your heart and mind open!