Category Archives: Ways of Remembering

Di’s Blog Post Articles

SHOW US WHO YOU REALLY ARE

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Most of us have learnt to hide aspects of ourselves. We fit ourselves into roles that we adopt: the work role, the parent role, the friend role, the public role – and we leave out the parts of us that don’t seem to fit with that role.

This may be our naturally raucous laughter, our blues-loving listener, our wild dancer, or it may be our love of the ritual of church, of serious political discussion, of just being on our own. In other words, we all have parts of ourselves that we have come to think aren’t acceptable in at least some of the situations of our lives.

What a shame!! We are all naturally a rich tapestry, a mixture of colours, shapes, textures that make up who we are. This is the delight of human beings: we are each a unique and fascinating blend. If we hide aspects of that tapestry, it begins to resemble every other tapestry and loses its unique vibrancy.

We aren’t designed to be consistent, to fit into a mould: we’re designed to be individual, a one-off. And if you think about it, we all love it when others break the mould in some way: the ‘perfect’ mum who admits that she sometimes just doesn’t know what to do with her child; the accountant with a great sense of humour; the boss who plays a mean guitar lick.

They show us that not fitting the role perfectly is more interesting, freeing and attractive. Most of what we hide is not really unacceptable, it’s just not normal – and who really wants to be normal!!

So come on, show a little more of who you really are: admit that you’re sometimes silly as well as serious; tell us you have conversations with your dog or cat; talk about just having to get up and dance when you play a Bee Gees album; wear that bright pink sweater, those Mickey Mouse socks that you love.

Bring some of the other colours back up in your personal tapestry. We may be surprised, and most of us will be delighted as we experience more of the real you.

LET’S TALK STORY

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I love those conversations with people where we find out more about each other. They are where we realise what we have in common with each other and how we are different. We gain a better understanding of each other’s worlds, and we learn how fascinating people and their stories are.

So often our interactions with others are superficial – small talk. These are not real conversations, because they don’t allow the other person into your world. I wonder, is this because we fear that they may not like us if they find out who we really are? How daft is that!

There will always be some people who don’t like us, for whatever reason, no matter how much we try to give the ‘right’ impression. We can’t actually control whether other people like us or not, so it’s a waste of effort to try to.

On the other hand, I find that being willing to tell stories from my own life – the funny, the moving, the absurd, the wonderful – often provokes others to tell some of their stories, and that allows us to relate at a different level. We notice our foibles and our strengths with affection and respect, and I fall in love with people who at first glance would not be ‘my type’.

Hawaiians have an expression for this form of conversation: they call it ‘talking story’. I love this!! If someone suggests that we talk story, I am immediately engaged – this will be fun, fascinating, heart-warming. It has that warm tone to it, that delight in our diverse humanity, and we all know how it will feel. There is a clear intention to share in a positive way, and make each other feel listened to and respected for their humanness.

And we can all encourage other to talk story rather than stay at the protective shell level by being willing to start the process: be the first one to admit to your humanness and make it safe for others to join in.

It’s so much more satisfying and enriching than small talk or gossip, so come on, let’s talk story!

A REST FROM OUR BUSY WORLD

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I have just spent three weeks in retreat. Others would call it a holiday, staying with one of my best friends. For me, it has been a delightful and useful retreat.

The word retreat means to draw back from, ad I have been able to draw back from the normal ‘noise’ of everyday life these days: no phone, no emails, no tv, no normal routines of my usual life. So my days have been about what was immediately there: sitting in the sunshine on the beach or on the porch; enjoying the conversations with my friend and others we have met with; reading something that I felt like reading. And being able to sit and do nothing, allowing my mind to go wherever it willed, including to nothingness.

This space away from it all has made me even more aware of just how much we are bombarded by demands on our attention and time, and by distractions from just being here and now. It is so lovely to draw back from all that!

And the process also gives us a different perspective on that normal everyday life we lead. With the space, we can see how we can maybe give ourselves a few more ‘mini-retreats’ in the midst of that busy life: a day without the computer or phone; an afternoon walking in the countryside; an evening reading a good book.

We almost become immune to that constant noise we live in, but it is still taking its toll from us, stopping us from just being with ourselves and the moment.

Life is too precious to miss because of the demands on us – so please give yourself a little break from your busy life and take a rest.

DO YOU WANT TO BE KIND OR RIGHT?

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I remember seeing Wayne Dyer give a talk based on this question, and it really hit home for me. I love debating issues and I can get really caught up in ‘winning’ the argument, showing that I’ve thought it through, or I know more about it – and when I do that, I have no regard for how the other person feels.

I can also be self-righteous – you know, the ‘I told you so’ syndrome – a great way of rubbing salt in the wound!

Both of these ways of being are ego-based: proving yourself, being clever or right. They may be accurate, but they’re surely not kind. They’re designed to make us feel good about ourselves at the expense of the other person.

Wayne Dyer’s words gave me a jolt to the system. I now tend to just stop for a moment before I launch into that winning argument or that self-righteous comment. After all, being right is not going to endear me to others, or even make me feel good for more than a moment.

This doesn’t mean that I don’t ever tell my truth, or that I don’t express my views – far from it. It means that I attempt to express myself in ways that don’t put others down. When you take a moment, you have the space to consider:

  • Does it matter who is right on this issue?
  • Will it help me or them to grow and evolve?
  • Is it really just my point of view rather than a truth?
  • How can I express this in a way that’s useful or constructive?

Just by asking ourselves these questions we automatically reset the way we express ourselves with the other person. We are more likely to take into consideration their experience, their world-view. We are more likely to use a helpful approach rather than a bombastic one. And we are more likely to use our own knowledge or experience to help them to grow their own awareness rather than put them down.

I may know I’m right, but I don’t then have to prove it. I would rather be kind than right – it feels better – so let’s just stop for a moment next time we want to prove a point – and be kind instead!

WHAT’S YOUR INTENTION?

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They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions – I don’t believe it. I think it is paved with unclear or egotistical intentions.

Most of the time, we don’t consciously consider our intention before we embark on an action or behaviour – we just act. Yet behind that action or behaviour there is always an emotional driver – a form of intention.

Think about it for a moment. You decide to give someone a call: is it because you care about them and want them to feel cared for and thought about, or is it because they haven’t called you and you want them to feel guilty about it? You do someone a favour: is it because you are glad to help out, or are you keeping a tally of what each of you ‘owes’ the other, or you want to be seen as a kind or good person?

I don’t point this out to make you feel bad about your intentions! We all sometimes have that ‘hidden agenda’ behind our actions, behaviours and words. More importantly, our intention affects both how we approach things and what results we get.

When I do things to make myself feel important or good or kind, I have an expectation of some recognition, and that affects how I do it. I will tend to make it clear that I’m putting myself out and I am very disappointed if others don’t give me the recognition I feel I deserve.

When I do things to make others feel awkward or put down, my tone in the interaction is different, and I will tend to create defensiveness or ‘attacks’ in return – it’s how we create quarrels!

None of this makes us feel good. We end up disappointed or irritated. It’s really not worth it because we don’t get the result we want, and even if we do – the other person does feel bad about what they’ve done – it only makes us feel justified for a moment. It doesn’t clear anything.

Of course, we all want to be recognised for the good things we do. The paradox is that the recognition comes more often and more genuinely when we don’t ask for it or expect it. Equally, we do need to clear the air when there is an ‘edge’ between us and someone else because otherwise it will affect our relationship. And when our intention is to clear the air so as to keep the relationship sound, the interaction plays out very differently.

I’m not suggesting that we should be perfect and only ever act from a clear and positive intention – we’re only human after all! It’s just worth stopping for a breathspace before you launch in, to ask yourself what you’re doing this for – and if it’s to make the other feel bad, or to make yourself look good, maybe you would be better to leave it for now – for your own sake. In an hour or two, or day or two, you may be able to find a positive intention for the action or behaviour, one that is to enhance things, and then you will both benefit.

MAKE A REAL RESOLUTION FOR 2017

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Happy New Year!

This is when we make those New Year resolutions – again! So how about doing it differently this time. I was wondering what the etymology (original meaning) of the word resolution is, and it comes from the Latin word solvere, which means to untie or loosen, with re- which means again. So a resolution is really having another go at loosening one of the ties that bind us: habits and behaviours that aren’t useful to us.

Now if this were easy, we would have done it the first time we had a go. So let’s tackle it with the recognition that we may need to just release a few of the knots, and use a different method to the ones we’ve tried before.

If we feel that more physical activity would be good for us, because we have become rather sedentary, how about choosing something easy and pleasurable to do, so it’s achievable and is an improvement we can easily make. If we feel that our eating habits could be healthier, we could choose one type of food to drop from our normal diet, and one to add, for interest. Do you get the drift?

This is supposed to enhance our lives, not make us feel like we’re punishing ourselves for our failures! And if it’s easy to achieve, we’re more likely to stick to it.

Finally, let’s continue the process of improving our lives and loosening the ties that bind by choosing s resolution that isn’t about correcting something that isn’t ‘good enough’. Let’s have one that is just about making life feel even better: maybe experiment with that dance class you’ve always fancied but not got round to, or book that return trip to Italy that you’ve thought about so often, or just have a go at cooking that meal you’ve always meant to have a go at.

We so often make resolutions we don’t stick to. Make 2017 the year when your resolutions really do make a positive difference in your lives.

THE SOUNDTRACK OF YOUR LIFE

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I was listening to the new Leonard Cohen album and weeping at its melancholic beauty – first time his music has made me feel sad, although only because I will miss hearing his latest creations and seeing him perform live. I’m not yet at the place in my life that he was when he made this album but it did make me think about how certain music is the personal soundtrack to each person’s life.

It starts in childhood with the music your parents listen to: Autumn Leaves by Nat King Cole still makes me think of a warm fireside after Sunday dinner; White Christmas by Bing Crosby is still the Christmas song that evokes the delight as a child of a stocking filled with little treats.

Then we begin to develop our own taste in music – those first few records we bought for ourselves, and played till we knew them backwards. They provide the soundtrack for our developing personality and those teenage years.

From that time on, particular songs and melodies capture the essence of moments in our lives, sometimes because they were playing at those happy or sad times, sometimes because they seemed to express emotions that we didn’t have the words for.

From time to time, my son Jo spends an evening going through the albums from my youth with me, and every ones evokes another story, another memory – that’s why I still have them.

And some artists seem to develop their stories in ways that particularly resonate for us: Bob Dylan, Leonard Cohen, Bruce Springsteen, James Taylor, have all offered me the expression of certain phases of my life at just the right moment.

So come on, what’s your soundtrack? What has captured the essence of a moment for you? What has resonated as an expression of who you are? And what would you choose as your Top Three?

This could be a fun thing to do with friends or family during your Christmas break – or any time! All good movies have great soundtracks – the movie of your life deserves one too.

Have a lovely, peaceful, music-filled Christmas!!

WHEN IS ENOUGH ENOUGH?

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Whenever I go into town at the moment, I see people struggling to carry all the things they have bought, presumably for Christmas presents. What is all this stuff? It makes me remember when we went to India during the period of Diwali. There they emphasised that it was about the triumph of light over darkness, so you buy a candle, fireworks, and the presents are primarily sweets. Above all, it is about sharing happiness about the saving of the world from darkness and evil so a simple gift and some light is enough.

We seem to have lost sight of that.

Of course, wanting more isn’t just about buying stuff – although at Christmas that is the particularly obvious symptom. We also have learnt to want more in all sorts of ways: more money, more food, more status, more qualifications, more success. Yet all these things don’t bring us what we really want: more happiness, more love, more feeling of belonging.

So before you buy more food, more presents, more decorations, just take a moment and ask yourself if there is another way you can show those you love that they matter to you, another way to spread more happiness.

We can easily share preparing and eating a simple meal and all take joy from it. We can easily share an evening of laughter, music, conversation. We can easily give someone a kind word, some attention.

It costs nothing much and feeds us with what we really want – love.

ARE YOU RESPONSIVE OR REACTIVE?

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All of us spend large chunks of our time interacting with others, and if not with others, we are always interacting with our environment and ourselves in some way. How we choose to play our part in these interactions has a massive effect on both us and others, and we can make it easier if we just take a breathspace to remind ourselves to respond rather than react.

A couple of examples have made me think of this recently:

  1. I tripped over my kittens playing in the hall and banged my head against the door lintel. I reacted by shouting at them for being in the way, feeling sorry for myself because it hurt, and just getting cross.
  2. Someone had emailed me to say that they had expected me to reply to their email more quickly than I did, and I reacted by mailing back to them that some of us don’t spend all our time checking for mails.

In both these examples, I made things worse for myself by reacting – blaming others, trying to make them feel bad, and leaving myself in a bad mood in the process. Was it worth it? A resounding no!

If I had just taken a breath, I would have realised sooner that I was tired and rushing, and the kittens were just doing their thing – what I really needed to do was sit down for a bit and regroup myself.

If I had taken a breath, I would have realised that the person mailing me was trying to sort things out, to my benefit as well, and probably didn’t intend to be offensive or accusing. I could have apologised and suggested that they ring me in future if it’s urgent – that’s always quicker.

These alternative approaches are responses: the word means you weigh it up or consider it first. This way, we avoid knee-jerk reactions – that immediate emotional reaction that we often have to situations.

Of course, there are times when a reaction is lovely because it is a positive reaction and we see immediately that we have genuinely pleased someone or made them feel better about something. It is those negative reactions we need to watch out for.

And I don’t suggest this because it is kinder to other people – I suggest it because it is kinder to you. We cerate unpleasantness for ourselves, as much if not more than we do for others, by not considering before we respond.

So next time you feel that anger, hurt, upset, rise up in you, just take a breathspace before you do anything – it could make your life easier.

DO YOU THINK TOO MUCH?

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I was sitting here trying to think of something to write about and couldn’t find anything that felt fresh. So I gave up and stared out of the window, watching the leaves on the hedge shimmering in the sunlight. And as my mind cleared, I got an idea – or did it finally get me?

It reminded me that most of my best ideas seem to come from nowhere: they just drop into a space when I’m not consciously thinking. It might be in the shower, or on the way to town, or while I’m making a cup of coffee – it’s not when I’m trying to think of an answer or a good idea.

This aspect of our minds is something that many creative people have talked about: how lyrics of songs or the music ‘wrote themselves’, or just appeared fully formed – see Mozart or the Beatles. It is how imaginary worlds were created, as in ‘Game of Thrones’; how scientific principles were discovered – Einstein with relativity, Newton and apples becoming the principles of gravity. This doesn’t mean that it is a phenomenon that only happens if you have a particularly creative mind. We all have that if we allow it to work.

Our minds are naturally associative – that means they will link various things together to create something new or will see a pattern behind apparently disparate things. We have to get our conscious thinking out of the way to allow this to happen.

We can consciously use this to make our lives easier, and can come up with answers or ideas without effort.

Firstly we need to set up the question in our minds – this is the command that sets our minds the task. I find it useful to say to myself: ‘I wonder how…’ or ‘I wonder what would..’

Then we distract ourselves – we don’t try to find the answer. Ask it before you go to sleep, when you’re about to go out somewhere, or just stare out of the window! We need to leave a space for our unconscious wisdom, our associative mind, to get to work. This means that the conscious mind needs something else to think about or to be put to sleep!

Once we have an idea come to us, we can use the conscious mind effectively to make it work. It is good at working out the steps that will put the idea into action – it has its uses!

So next time you’re stuck and don’t know what to do, ask yourself the question then get out of your own way – it’s so much easier!