Tag Archives: perspective

A WIDER PERSPECTIVE

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I watched the programming for Comic Relief last week, and laughed and cried my way through the evening. It is a really powerful combination of emotions. We laugh and it opens us up, mentally and emotionally. We watch the stories of those that Comic Relief helps, who are all suffering some form of deprivation, both in the UK and Africa, and our open hearts feel for them and recognise the injustice of a world where children die of preventable diseases, where people are lonely and distressed.

It reminds us forcefully of our own good fortune, if we have a roof over our heads, warmth, food, love – the basics of life – and gives us a wider perspective on the problems we do have: for most of us they are not in the world-shattering category. It also illustrates the courage and perseverance of human beings in the face of adversity, and the kindness and compassion that we are naturally wired to give to others, when we move beyond our own little world. And above all, it reminds us that love and laughter are things we can all share, no matter who we are or what our circumstances are.

The Comic Relief event always feels like a dose of salts for regaining our perspective on life!

So what?

  • Give some money if you haven’t already – or even if you have! http://www.comicrelief.com/
  • Give thanks for the aspects of your life you normally take for granted: a home, food, people who love you, enough money to live, an education, a job
  • Be kind – to anyone and everyone! You don’t know how much difference your smile or kind word may make to someone
  • Use your own courage and perseverance to deal with the problems in your own life
  • And laugh whenever you can and let your heart and mind open!

A REST FROM OUR BUSY WORLD

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I have just spent three weeks in retreat. Others would call it a holiday, staying with one of my best friends. For me, it has been a delightful and useful retreat.

The word retreat means to draw back from, ad I have been able to draw back from the normal ‘noise’ of everyday life these days: no phone, no emails, no tv, no normal routines of my usual life. So my days have been about what was immediately there: sitting in the sunshine on the beach or on the porch; enjoying the conversations with my friend and others we have met with; reading something that I felt like reading. And being able to sit and do nothing, allowing my mind to go wherever it willed, including to nothingness.

This space away from it all has made me even more aware of just how much we are bombarded by demands on our attention and time, and by distractions from just being here and now. It is so lovely to draw back from all that!

And the process also gives us a different perspective on that normal everyday life we lead. With the space, we can see how we can maybe give ourselves a few more ‘mini-retreats’ in the midst of that busy life: a day without the computer or phone; an afternoon walking in the countryside; an evening reading a good book.

We almost become immune to that constant noise we live in, but it is still taking its toll from us, stopping us from just being with ourselves and the moment.

Life is too precious to miss because of the demands on us – so please give yourself a little break from your busy life and take a rest.

WHEN IS ENOUGH ENOUGH?

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Whenever I go into town at the moment, I see people struggling to carry all the things they have bought, presumably for Christmas presents. What is all this stuff? It makes me remember when we went to India during the period of Diwali. There they emphasised that it was about the triumph of light over darkness, so you buy a candle, fireworks, and the presents are primarily sweets. Above all, it is about sharing happiness about the saving of the world from darkness and evil so a simple gift and some light is enough.

We seem to have lost sight of that.

Of course, wanting more isn’t just about buying stuff – although at Christmas that is the particularly obvious symptom. We also have learnt to want more in all sorts of ways: more money, more food, more status, more qualifications, more success. Yet all these things don’t bring us what we really want: more happiness, more love, more feeling of belonging.

So before you buy more food, more presents, more decorations, just take a moment and ask yourself if there is another way you can show those you love that they matter to you, another way to spread more happiness.

We can easily share preparing and eating a simple meal and all take joy from it. We can easily share an evening of laughter, music, conversation. We can easily give someone a kind word, some attention.

It costs nothing much and feeds us with what we really want – love.

ARE YOU RESPONSIVE OR REACTIVE?

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All of us spend large chunks of our time interacting with others, and if not with others, we are always interacting with our environment and ourselves in some way. How we choose to play our part in these interactions has a massive effect on both us and others, and we can make it easier if we just take a breathspace to remind ourselves to respond rather than react.

A couple of examples have made me think of this recently:

  1. I tripped over my kittens playing in the hall and banged my head against the door lintel. I reacted by shouting at them for being in the way, feeling sorry for myself because it hurt, and just getting cross.
  2. Someone had emailed me to say that they had expected me to reply to their email more quickly than I did, and I reacted by mailing back to them that some of us don’t spend all our time checking for mails.

In both these examples, I made things worse for myself by reacting – blaming others, trying to make them feel bad, and leaving myself in a bad mood in the process. Was it worth it? A resounding no!

If I had just taken a breath, I would have realised sooner that I was tired and rushing, and the kittens were just doing their thing – what I really needed to do was sit down for a bit and regroup myself.

If I had taken a breath, I would have realised that the person mailing me was trying to sort things out, to my benefit as well, and probably didn’t intend to be offensive or accusing. I could have apologised and suggested that they ring me in future if it’s urgent – that’s always quicker.

These alternative approaches are responses: the word means you weigh it up or consider it first. This way, we avoid knee-jerk reactions – that immediate emotional reaction that we often have to situations.

Of course, there are times when a reaction is lovely because it is a positive reaction and we see immediately that we have genuinely pleased someone or made them feel better about something. It is those negative reactions we need to watch out for.

And I don’t suggest this because it is kinder to other people – I suggest it because it is kinder to you. We cerate unpleasantness for ourselves, as much if not more than we do for others, by not considering before we respond.

So next time you feel that anger, hurt, upset, rise up in you, just take a breathspace before you do anything – it could make your life easier.

HOW ARE YOU TODAY?

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I remember when I first went to the US, and people would say: ‘Hi, how are you?’ and I’d start to answer them and then realise that it wasn’t a question at all, just a greeting – they didn’t expect an answer.

I also remember that question being challenged years ago, when I was studying philosophy, because it was open to so many interpretations. I could say, ‘I’m 5 foot 10 inches tall’, or ‘I’m clumsy at art’ and they would be valid answers, if not what the person intended!

‘How are you?’ is still a standard opening gambit with many of us, and there’s a wisdom in that if we follow it through to its intention. If we can establish what sort of place someone is in when we first meet them, we can adapt how we interact with them, so it works better.

In Native American traditional culture, it was normal to just sit down with someone you hadn’t seen for a while, so both of you could get a sense of how the other one was, and you would only begin a conversation when you had assessed the situation. We are not good at just sensing how someone is, – nor at sitting in silence with someone! – So asking ‘How are you?’ is our version of that, when used well.

However, we have largely lost that flavour to it. We may ask the question but we often don’t really want to know the answer – we just want to get on with the business in hand. And when we answer the question, we use a lot of meaningless phrases to almost dismiss it: ‘ I’m OK’, ‘Alright, thanks’, ‘Not bad..’ ‘Fine’. Sometimes this is because we also want to just get on with whatever the interaction is about, and sometimes it is because we sense that the other person is not really interested in our answer.

And we all lose out when we do this. We miss out on an opportunity to make real human connection, and to properly assess what will make the interaction we have work better. We also miss the chance to build a relationship that has more depth to it with that person, so that it becomes easier and easier to be with them. After all, we al feel more valued and feel more positive towards those who take a genuine interest in us and our situation.

So maybe it’s time to ask the question in a different way. We could experiment with these:

  • What’s going on in your world?
  • How’s life treating you today?
  • What’s going on with you?
  • How is today going for you?

Or we could set the tone by answering the unasked question first: ‘Hi, I’ve had a productive morning, how about you?’ or ‘I’m feeling a bit rushed today, how about you?’

It doesn’t take long to pay attention to how someone is before we launch into the interaction, and it helps both of us to feel more connected, more cared for, more taken account of.

So how are you today?

COMPLETE DISRUPTION IS A GOOD THING

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My quiet peaceful life has recently been totally disrupted – I got two kittens! Well, they’re called kittens, but they sound like baby elephants galloping across the floor, and they can scatter litter tray contents, food, and objects off shelves as if they were a horde of monkeys. They take turns to run between my legs as I’m walking and climb up me when I’m getting their food ready – or on the computer. They lose their toys under chairs, and play with my knitting wool, pens and electric wires instead. They chase my feet and hands when I get into bed, and yowl piteously at the door if I shut them out of the bedroom. Oh, and they love climbing up curtains, on to the toilet seats – on fact anywhere that looks impossible.

At first I wondered why on earth I had decided to put myself through this again – morning routines disrupted, attention distracted, flowers and plants chewed, things knocked over. I should have known better – after all I have had kittens before.

Then I began to notice the gifts they bring.

  • They lie on my lap, warm and trusting
  • They greet me with loud purrs when I’ve been out
  • They make me laugh out loud with their antics
  • They tempt me to stop and play with them rather than ploughing on with whatever I’m doing

And they have prompted me to re-examine what’s really important: routines, habits, objects. Some are being adapted to include them, and some are staying, but the review is useful and needed to be prompted.

Above all, they are constant reminders of what being in the moment really means. They don’t hold grudges or sulk, they ask for food if they’re hungry, they sleep if they’re tired, they come for fussing when they want attention, they walk away when they’ve had enough. And we think we humans are evolved!!

Disruption comes in many forms: a child, a pet, a new relationship – a change of some sort in your circumstances. It took me a couple of weeks to realise that it’s a gift, and I chose to take it on! When it’s not something you’ve chosen – an illness, a break-up, a job loss – it may take longer. Nonetheless, when we look back, most of us can see that it was a good thing in some ways, that it helped us to revise our lives and really recognise what is important.

Oh! Smokey has just decided that stroking him is more important than carrying on writing – time to stop!!

 

THE SECRET TO LIVING TO A RIPE OLD AGE

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Sometimes you meet someone who inspires you in the most unexpected way. My friend Jean and I go to the silver screen cinema showings on Wednesdays and always have a cup of coffee in the nearby coffee shop beforehand. A woman who also goes to those screenings has begun to stop and have a chat when she sees us sat outside in the sunshine.

She surprised us the first time she stopped – in Britain we don’t usually engage with strangers! And she just said, ‘You two look happy!’ We laughed and said there were plenty of reasons to be happy that morning: sunshine and warmth, good coffee and company, and a movie to look forward to. She agreed and added some of her own: being healthy, enjoying life, being lucky enough to be able to do something fun on a Wednesday morning.

Over the weeks, we have gradually built that conversation, and each time she reminds me that it is the simple things in life that make the most difference.

How you choose to view the world

The big picture of how you view the world sets the context. Believing that this world of ours is there to delight us, not horrify us, that it is full of lovely things designed to please and support us – this provides the framework for everything else.

It is a big golden assumption: that life on earth is intended to be a good experience.

Noticing the good things

We often pay most attention to the things that upset or offend us. Instead we can actively notice the good things: it is a bit of a grey day, but it is warm enough not to have to wear a coat; I was feeling a little bit fed up, but then a friend phoned me and we ended up laughing.

This links to the idea behind a gratitude journal: to just write down 5-10 things that you can be thankful for today.

Looking for reasons to be happy

This is about actively adding in small things that make you happy, to consciously change your mood: buying yourself a good cup of coffee; calling a friend for a chat; wearing a favourite piece of clothing or jewellery.

Appreciating the simple things in life

This links to the previous point. We don’t need to spend lots of money or have lots of stuff to be happy – the best things in life are free! If we care to look around we can easily find things that make us feel good: a nice dinner we have cooked; flowers looking and smelling beautiful; birds singing for us; a favourite perfume or cologne; the feel of a lovely fresh warm bed.

Expecting people to be friendly

As our new friend has said: ‘I’m 85 years old, and in my life, I have found that most people are friendly.’ Most people respond to how we expect them to be, and life is much more pleasant if we expect them to be friendly and helpful. This means that we make lots of connections with people, which is good for our health, because friendly contact with others automatically raises our oxytocin level – one of our natural health-giving chemicals.

Saying ‘Oh well – never mind’

All this sounds very ‘rose-tinted spectacles’, only noticing the good bits. And we all know that sometimes things feel shitty! It’s about keeping it in perspective. We often let the shitty bits take over our perspective and taint our point of view.

Instead, life will go better if we acknowledge them, then let them go: ‘ I fell over this morning and bruised myself badly. Oh well, never mind.’ ‘Someone upset me with what they said yesterday. Oh well, never mind – it’s a new day today.’

Recalling good memories

When things don’t feel so good, we always have available to us a treasure trove of stored good memories. When we recall them or recount them to someone else, they help us to re-live those good times and perk us up. Old photos will prompt them, or old treasured objects, or particular music.

So the secret is…

Above all, find reasons to be happy and make your life enjoyable. This is not la-la-land; it is how we keep the health-giving chemicals running through our bodies. Research has shown that those who make connection with others, those who appreciate nature, those who have a positive outlook, stay healthier, live longer, and enjoy their lives.

None of this is difficult to achieve. The things that make the difference are available to all of us, regardless of our circumstances. The only thing that stops us is our way of thinking about things.

So what are your 10 reasons to be happy today?

 

WHEN CHAOS REIGNS, WHAT DO WE DO?

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Living in Britain right now is not a pleasant experience. More of our taken-for-granted’s have been turned upside down than most people realise yet, as a result of power politics, fabrications and fear-mongering. At a time like this, it is hard to see a way through that will lead to anything good.

It is tempting to despair, to feel powerless, to give in to the fear. And yes, I have had my rants about corrupt politics, false democracy, short-sightedness and provoking the worst of people’s fears and prejudices.

And now it is time to take stock. We cannot undo what is done; we can only let the dust settle and see what we can do to make a positive difference to what we now have.

This level of chaos can happen to all of us personally during our lifetimes: we lose our job, or our home; our relationship breaks up or a loved one dies; we become seriously ill. Any of these will turn our world upside down and leave us in despair. Let’s apply the wisdom of learning from our personal experience to what’s going on at a national level.

What happens when we deal with a crisis well?

Firstly we need to step back and lick our wounds. That means allowing emotions to run their course and become more manageable, whilst treating ourselves gently to help ourselves to recover from the shock.

By stepping back, we are able to see what is left that we can use or salvage. So the next step is to take those things out of the chaos and identify what we can now create with them to use as our starting point. It will not be the same as before, but the chaos does tend to reveal some things we had forgotten about or taken for granted that can help us to deal with the situation. For example, friends rally round and offer support, and we re-discover our own passion and determination that had got buried in routine and habitual behaviour.

Now we have a foundation on which to create a revised version of our life that works better for us. Through the chaos, we discover what is really important to us, and what is just window-dressing. We realise which of our personal characteristics are most helpful to us, and which are just conditioned responses. And we recognise the genuine support we have from others and can let go of the ‘fair weather’ friends who are only there when everything is going well for us.

For most of us, when we look back at times of chaos in our lives, we can see that the chaos led to a better version of who we are and how our life is.

For now, chaos reigns in Britain. Let’s all play our part by letting the dust settle, allowing ourselves to recover, and then using our personal ability to create something better. Our government has been questionable, our financial institutions have been shaky, our social values have been corroded for a while. Maybe now we can help to ensure that we don’t have the same story in a slightly different form, but insist on upholding the things that really matter, and create a new and improved version of this world of ours.

HAVE YOU NOTICED THE FREE GIFTS COMING YOUR WAY TODAY?

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When I visit Maui, it is impossible to ignore the free gifts we all get offered every day, because they are there in front of me – and maybe that is because I am not being busy with my life, and therefore take the time to notice them. I’m talking about the weather that enables our plants to grow. I’m talking about the fruit and vegetables we have to eat as a result of that weather – OK, I know that in the UK we have to pay for them unless we grow our own!

Then there are trees and flowers with their individuality, beauty and changing nature, there are hills and mountains, beach and sea – landscapes of all types to delight the eyes. And what about the birds that sing, the butterflies that dance around the flowers, the bees gathering nectar – so many beautiful things that we can appreciate at no cost.

Just spending a little while noticing what the world offers us to enjoy for free is a great way of feeding our soul, and there is always something available. I watched a lovely little video where people in a not very pleasant neighbourhood were given an empty picture frame and asked to find something beautiful to frame with it. By looking around and up instead of just walking through, they all found something to frame. (This group does lots of great things like this. If you want to take a look, here’s the link to their site: https://www.youtube.com/user/soulpancake ).

Noticing these free gifts gives us a little space in our hectic lives, a chance to regain some perspective. When you watch the birds, the plants, the stars, they exemplify the natural way of being in the world. They don’t rush, they don’t struggle against how things are, they don’t worry about what might happen next! They remind us that we are natural living beings too, even if we are not conscious of it.

There is also something calming about the rhythm of nature: rain on the window, wind in the trees, birds flying – it all has a soothing effect on us and quiets down our bodies and minds.

So give yourself five minutes every day just to notice and appreciate the gifts of the world around us, and allow yourself a little break from the pressures of everyday life.

 

‘What is this life if, full of care,

We have no time to stand and stare.

No time to stand beneath the boughs

And stare as long as sheep or cows.

No time to see, when woods we pass,

Where squirrels hide their nuts in grass.

No time to see, in broad daylight,

Streams full of stars, like skies at night.

No time to turn at Beauty’s glance,

And watch her feet, how they can dance.

No time to wait till her mouth can

Enrich that smile her eyes began.

A poor life this if, full of care,

We have no time to stand and stare.’

By William Henry Davies

WHAT IS YOUR FUNDAMENTAL METAPHOR?

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We all use metaphor in our everyday language. You think we don’t? Do you ever battle or fight against anything? Do you slip or slide into a bad mood? Do some things just flow for you? Do ideas blossom or grow? Our everyday phrases are full of metaphor, and we don’t realise it consciously.

Once we become aware of it, we can choose to use this tendency well, to help us. You see, metaphor is a powerful way of encapsulating how we experience something and has a major effect on our mood and attitude. It influences how we filter our experience, what we notice.

I was watching a programme where someone was arguing that ‘glass half empty’ and ‘glass half full’ were the same thing and it made me cross! That may be logical, but this variation of metaphor is not logical, it’s based on emotion and attitude. A ‘glass half empty’ person notices what’s wrong, and is discontent, unhappy with their lot, whereas the ‘glass half full’ person notices what’s good, what’s right, and is more optimistic and cheerful. Which would you rather be?

Metaphors relate to our beliefs about what it is like to be in the world and drive our way of reacting to events in our life. If we have absorbed the belief that life is a struggle, we will tend to use ‘battleground’ metaphor: ‘my idea was shot down by the boss’, ‘I had to fight to get my point across, ‘I won out in the end’. This set of metaphors is very prevalent in western industrial culture.

On the other hand, we may have absorbed the belief that there is a natural order to things, so we have growth, dormancy, ebb and flow, highs and lows.

Now neither of these is right or wrong, true or false. The question is, which is more useful as a guiding principle for living your life well? And we can choose.

Although fundamental beliefs about how the world works tend to be absorbed unconsciously when we are young, we can change them if we become conscious of them.

  1. We can begin to notice the less useful metaphors we apply to ourselves and our lives and consciously adapt them
  2. We can begin to notice the more useful metaphors we come up with and consciously reinforce them
  3. We can choose to have a fundamental belief that the world is supportive of us and works with us as it does in nature, and look consciously for evidence to support that belief

So next time you are battling your way through your day, just ask yourself how else you would handle that day if the world were supportive of you.

And enjoy the days where you know that you are in the flow if it!!