Tag Archives: perspective

THE CHRISTMAS STORY

Ways of Remembering, , , , ,

Those who know me will know that I’m not much into Christmas – it’s surely not my favourite time of year. Yet each time it comes around, I appreciate the reminder that Christmas – and maybe life in general – is not really about presents and food – it’s to celebrate the birth of Jesus. And that story is a story about miracles, angels appearing, kings and shepherds being equally welcome, compassion, and love.

Whether we believe it or not, it is a story of the potential we have as humans, and calls out to us each time, to live up to our potential. It’s not difficult to be compassionate, to treat everyone equally, to love others – it comes naturally to us. And if we choose to, we can notice the ‘miracles’ in our world, the synchronicities and coincidences, the gentle touch of angels, and the fundamental call and support to the best in ourselves.

This Christmas, let’s remember that love comes first, that miracles can happen, that there is more to being human than the news would suggest.

May your Christmas be joyous and loving!

THE POWER OF LOVE

Ways of Remembering, , , , , ,

Sometimes we forget something that we all know in our hearts – that love is the most powerful, all-pervasive feeling in our universe.

We don’t generally talk much about love; we keep it down at a smaller level: like, quite fond of, pretty good. It’s almost as if we are wary of the bigness of it, protecting ourselves from having such a strong emotion, perceiving it as a bit risky to open ourselves up that much.

And that’s understandable. Loving is often a place of vulnerability; if we open our hearts for love, we are also open for hurt or rejection, or sadness. And yet if we keep our hearts closed, we miss the joy, the passion, the power of loving – and these are what feed our soul.

They are also the emotions that keep us physically healthy. Science has shown that positive emotions create chemicals in our bodies that boost our immune system, keep our organs healthy, and help us to fight off illness.

In my experience the positives of love far outweigh the risks. Our hearts can recover from heartbreak, but they wither when kept closed.

And we can practise lots of our loving without any fear of rejection. Nature never says no thank you to love and thrives on loving attention. A delicious meal, a wonderful perfume, a warm fluffy sweater, a beautiful piece of art, an inspiring piece of music – let’s love them rather than limiting them to quite nice, and feed our souls with that feeling. When we do, the world seems brighter, more benevolent, prejudices are overcome, fear is dissipated.

And maybe we can then love other people in the same way – not as a tit for tat kind of thing: ‘I’ll love you some, if you show you love me some’ – but just because they are fellow human beings. They will have the free gift of our loving warmth towards them, which they will feel even if they don’t know it. And we will have big warm hearts because giving love feeds us too.

THE WAY THINGS ARE GOING

Ways of Remembering, , , ,

The results of the recent British general election delighted me – not because of the actual final result, but because of the underlying message. It was called by the conservatives on the assumption that people would respond to their insistence that they needed to be an even stronger majority in order to ‘beat’ the European leaders in the Brexit negotiations. Their message was based on fear and arrogance: without them we would lose out in the Brexit deal, and they knew best how to do it. It seems that they were ‘inspired’ by Donald Trump and his victory. They didn’t even bother to cost their manifesto properly and made no attempt to suggest that everyday life could improve – in fact, the opposite; they proposed more cuts. And when their ideas didn’t go down well, they slagged off the opposition, suggesting they were incompetent.

Labour, on the other hand, our main opposition party, campaigned on the basis of the belief that there could be a better way to approach the future in this country, talking about strategies to make people feel cared for, and they emphasised the policies that would help us to move forward, not just try to offset previous economic problems. They had worked carefully on their policies and thought them through, and they didn’t take the negative approach of trying to put down the conservatives – they explained how their own policies could work. Their message was based on looking forward positively and the genuine belief that there could be a better way in the future.

In the course of the electioneering, we had two terrorist attacks in Britain, and even then, fear was not the overwhelming reaction – it was kindness and courage and community.

And the Conservatives did get the majority of the seats, but not enough to form a government on their own – less than they had before. And Labour did lose the election, but gained 29 more seats and strengthened their voice throughout the country.

It seems to me that more people are tired of the emphasis on fear and individualism, and are wanting something more positive, inclusive and forward-looking. No-one ‘won’ this time, but the tide is turning.

And each of us can play our part in helping this tide to grow, because we reflect in microcosm what is going on on a grander scale, and we also contribute to it.

Reducing our fear

We have all absorbed the message that we need to be fearful of things getting worse in some way, because it is so prevalent in our culture. It may be sticking with a job you don’t like in case there’s nothing else out there for you, or thinking that we are unsafe on our own in a street, or some form of fitting in with peers even though you don’t really agree with it.

Whatever you have that is driven by a fear, just consider the possibility of stepping away from it a little – no grand gestures needed, just not allowing it to control you so much.

Compromising what we have as core values

Sometimes we all go along with something that isn’t being true to ourselves. We can all stand up for our values and give our genuine opinion. This doesn’t have to be harsh or argumentative. It can be as simple as saying, ‘I don’t agree with that,’ or ‘ I think that life would be better if….’

Telling our truth is important, and it can be done gently and kindly.

Moving towards a better way of living your life

It is easy to get caught in the story of wishing things were like they used to be, but that doesn’t make any difference. Let’s look to the future, and find small things to do that improve our lives.

Caring for yourself and others

Small acts of kindness create big differences. Let yourself have a rest instead of continuing to push yourself. Smile at that stranger whom you might otherwise ignore or avoid.

 

We can watch the news and feel that everything is wrong in our world, so what’s the point. Or we can notice the small signs that the tide is turning, and add our weight to them by playing our part. I prefer the second alternative – it is a more empowering, constructive and fun place to live!

COLLATERAL BEAUTY

Ways of Remembering, , , , , ,

I have stolen this phrase from a film I went to see last week. It is the title of the film, and meant nothing to me until I had watched it – if you haven’t seen it, do look for it – it is just lovely!

We all know what collateral damage means now, since they started using it in a war context: the unintended or unavoidable negative side effects of something. Collateral beauty simply describes the unexpected positive side effects of something which seems awful in itself.

At the macro level, it is the kindness and courage of people when there is a major tragedy. At a micro level, it is noticing the sparkle of the raindrops or the return of the birdsong after a heavy downpour. It is appreciating your ability to taste things after a bad cold and becoming conscious of the way nature creates beauty with blossom and flowers, when we are forced to stop our busyness because we are seriously ill.

For me, there are two useful reminders in the phrase.

  1. There is always some form of collateral beauty no matter what is going on. Nothing is wholly awful. We grow, we learn, we come to recognise our own strengths, when awful things happen. And even in the midst of that awfulness, there are always touches of sweetness to remind us that this is not the whole story.
  2. Much of that collateral beauty is always in our lives, should we choose to notice it. There is more kindness than cruelty shown by people in our world, even if it is less reported. Nature is always offering us treats for our senses, should we stop and pay attention for a moment. We can learn and grow and recognise our own strengths through good times as well as the bad ones.

So whatever your present circumstances, keep an eye out for the collateral beauty. It is the universe’s gift to us and we can only gain from it.

A WIDER PERSPECTIVE

Ways of Remembering, , , , ,

I watched the programming for Comic Relief last week, and laughed and cried my way through the evening. It is a really powerful combination of emotions. We laugh and it opens us up, mentally and emotionally. We watch the stories of those that Comic Relief helps, who are all suffering some form of deprivation, both in the UK and Africa, and our open hearts feel for them and recognise the injustice of a world where children die of preventable diseases, where people are lonely and distressed.

It reminds us forcefully of our own good fortune, if we have a roof over our heads, warmth, food, love – the basics of life – and gives us a wider perspective on the problems we do have: for most of us they are not in the world-shattering category. It also illustrates the courage and perseverance of human beings in the face of adversity, and the kindness and compassion that we are naturally wired to give to others, when we move beyond our own little world. And above all, it reminds us that love and laughter are things we can all share, no matter who we are or what our circumstances are.

The Comic Relief event always feels like a dose of salts for regaining our perspective on life!

So what?

  • Give some money if you haven’t already – or even if you have! http://www.comicrelief.com/
  • Give thanks for the aspects of your life you normally take for granted: a home, food, people who love you, enough money to live, an education, a job
  • Be kind – to anyone and everyone! You don’t know how much difference your smile or kind word may make to someone
  • Use your own courage and perseverance to deal with the problems in your own life
  • And laugh whenever you can and let your heart and mind open!

A REST FROM OUR BUSY WORLD

Ways of Remembering, , , , , , ,

I have just spent three weeks in retreat. Others would call it a holiday, staying with one of my best friends. For me, it has been a delightful and useful retreat.

The word retreat means to draw back from, ad I have been able to draw back from the normal ‘noise’ of everyday life these days: no phone, no emails, no tv, no normal routines of my usual life. So my days have been about what was immediately there: sitting in the sunshine on the beach or on the porch; enjoying the conversations with my friend and others we have met with; reading something that I felt like reading. And being able to sit and do nothing, allowing my mind to go wherever it willed, including to nothingness.

This space away from it all has made me even more aware of just how much we are bombarded by demands on our attention and time, and by distractions from just being here and now. It is so lovely to draw back from all that!

And the process also gives us a different perspective on that normal everyday life we lead. With the space, we can see how we can maybe give ourselves a few more ‘mini-retreats’ in the midst of that busy life: a day without the computer or phone; an afternoon walking in the countryside; an evening reading a good book.

We almost become immune to that constant noise we live in, but it is still taking its toll from us, stopping us from just being with ourselves and the moment.

Life is too precious to miss because of the demands on us – so please give yourself a little break from your busy life and take a rest.

WHEN IS ENOUGH ENOUGH?

Ways of Remembering, , , , , ,

Whenever I go into town at the moment, I see people struggling to carry all the things they have bought, presumably for Christmas presents. What is all this stuff? It makes me remember when we went to India during the period of Diwali. There they emphasised that it was about the triumph of light over darkness, so you buy a candle, fireworks, and the presents are primarily sweets. Above all, it is about sharing happiness about the saving of the world from darkness and evil so a simple gift and some light is enough.

We seem to have lost sight of that.

Of course, wanting more isn’t just about buying stuff – although at Christmas that is the particularly obvious symptom. We also have learnt to want more in all sorts of ways: more money, more food, more status, more qualifications, more success. Yet all these things don’t bring us what we really want: more happiness, more love, more feeling of belonging.

So before you buy more food, more presents, more decorations, just take a moment and ask yourself if there is another way you can show those you love that they matter to you, another way to spread more happiness.

We can easily share preparing and eating a simple meal and all take joy from it. We can easily share an evening of laughter, music, conversation. We can easily give someone a kind word, some attention.

It costs nothing much and feeds us with what we really want – love.

ARE YOU RESPONSIVE OR REACTIVE?

Ways of Remembering, , ,

All of us spend large chunks of our time interacting with others, and if not with others, we are always interacting with our environment and ourselves in some way. How we choose to play our part in these interactions has a massive effect on both us and others, and we can make it easier if we just take a breathspace to remind ourselves to respond rather than react.

A couple of examples have made me think of this recently:

  1. I tripped over my kittens playing in the hall and banged my head against the door lintel. I reacted by shouting at them for being in the way, feeling sorry for myself because it hurt, and just getting cross.
  2. Someone had emailed me to say that they had expected me to reply to their email more quickly than I did, and I reacted by mailing back to them that some of us don’t spend all our time checking for mails.

In both these examples, I made things worse for myself by reacting – blaming others, trying to make them feel bad, and leaving myself in a bad mood in the process. Was it worth it? A resounding no!

If I had just taken a breath, I would have realised sooner that I was tired and rushing, and the kittens were just doing their thing – what I really needed to do was sit down for a bit and regroup myself.

If I had taken a breath, I would have realised that the person mailing me was trying to sort things out, to my benefit as well, and probably didn’t intend to be offensive or accusing. I could have apologised and suggested that they ring me in future if it’s urgent – that’s always quicker.

These alternative approaches are responses: the word means you weigh it up or consider it first. This way, we avoid knee-jerk reactions – that immediate emotional reaction that we often have to situations.

Of course, there are times when a reaction is lovely because it is a positive reaction and we see immediately that we have genuinely pleased someone or made them feel better about something. It is those negative reactions we need to watch out for.

And I don’t suggest this because it is kinder to other people – I suggest it because it is kinder to you. We cerate unpleasantness for ourselves, as much if not more than we do for others, by not considering before we respond.

So next time you feel that anger, hurt, upset, rise up in you, just take a breathspace before you do anything – it could make your life easier.

HOW ARE YOU TODAY?

Ways of Remembering, , , ,

I remember when I first went to the US, and people would say: ‘Hi, how are you?’ and I’d start to answer them and then realise that it wasn’t a question at all, just a greeting – they didn’t expect an answer.

I also remember that question being challenged years ago, when I was studying philosophy, because it was open to so many interpretations. I could say, ‘I’m 5 foot 10 inches tall’, or ‘I’m clumsy at art’ and they would be valid answers, if not what the person intended!

‘How are you?’ is still a standard opening gambit with many of us, and there’s a wisdom in that if we follow it through to its intention. If we can establish what sort of place someone is in when we first meet them, we can adapt how we interact with them, so it works better.

In Native American traditional culture, it was normal to just sit down with someone you hadn’t seen for a while, so both of you could get a sense of how the other one was, and you would only begin a conversation when you had assessed the situation. We are not good at just sensing how someone is, – nor at sitting in silence with someone! – So asking ‘How are you?’ is our version of that, when used well.

However, we have largely lost that flavour to it. We may ask the question but we often don’t really want to know the answer – we just want to get on with the business in hand. And when we answer the question, we use a lot of meaningless phrases to almost dismiss it: ‘ I’m OK’, ‘Alright, thanks’, ‘Not bad..’ ‘Fine’. Sometimes this is because we also want to just get on with whatever the interaction is about, and sometimes it is because we sense that the other person is not really interested in our answer.

And we all lose out when we do this. We miss out on an opportunity to make real human connection, and to properly assess what will make the interaction we have work better. We also miss the chance to build a relationship that has more depth to it with that person, so that it becomes easier and easier to be with them. After all, we al feel more valued and feel more positive towards those who take a genuine interest in us and our situation.

So maybe it’s time to ask the question in a different way. We could experiment with these:

  • What’s going on in your world?
  • How’s life treating you today?
  • What’s going on with you?
  • How is today going for you?

Or we could set the tone by answering the unasked question first: ‘Hi, I’ve had a productive morning, how about you?’ or ‘I’m feeling a bit rushed today, how about you?’

It doesn’t take long to pay attention to how someone is before we launch into the interaction, and it helps both of us to feel more connected, more cared for, more taken account of.

So how are you today?

COMPLETE DISRUPTION IS A GOOD THING

Ways of Remembering, , , ,

My quiet peaceful life has recently been totally disrupted – I got two kittens! Well, they’re called kittens, but they sound like baby elephants galloping across the floor, and they can scatter litter tray contents, food, and objects off shelves as if they were a horde of monkeys. They take turns to run between my legs as I’m walking and climb up me when I’m getting their food ready – or on the computer. They lose their toys under chairs, and play with my knitting wool, pens and electric wires instead. They chase my feet and hands when I get into bed, and yowl piteously at the door if I shut them out of the bedroom. Oh, and they love climbing up curtains, on to the toilet seats – on fact anywhere that looks impossible.

At first I wondered why on earth I had decided to put myself through this again – morning routines disrupted, attention distracted, flowers and plants chewed, things knocked over. I should have known better – after all I have had kittens before.

Then I began to notice the gifts they bring.

  • They lie on my lap, warm and trusting
  • They greet me with loud purrs when I’ve been out
  • They make me laugh out loud with their antics
  • They tempt me to stop and play with them rather than ploughing on with whatever I’m doing

And they have prompted me to re-examine what’s really important: routines, habits, objects. Some are being adapted to include them, and some are staying, but the review is useful and needed to be prompted.

Above all, they are constant reminders of what being in the moment really means. They don’t hold grudges or sulk, they ask for food if they’re hungry, they sleep if they’re tired, they come for fussing when they want attention, they walk away when they’ve had enough. And we think we humans are evolved!!

Disruption comes in many forms: a child, a pet, a new relationship – a change of some sort in your circumstances. It took me a couple of weeks to realise that it’s a gift, and I chose to take it on! When it’s not something you’ve chosen – an illness, a break-up, a job loss – it may take longer. Nonetheless, when we look back, most of us can see that it was a good thing in some ways, that it helped us to revise our lives and really recognise what is important.

Oh! Smokey has just decided that stroking him is more important than carrying on writing – time to stop!!