Tag Archives: improving life

IT’S YOUR ATTITUDE THAT MAKES THE DIFFERENCE

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We rarely stop and consciously think about our intentions before we act on something. We may think about what we’re about to do, and we’re usually aware of our attitude towards it: I’m looking forward to it; I’m going to do my best; this will be difficult; I wish I didn’t have to. What we do less often is recognise that we can actively change our attitude to make a difference to what happens.

Have you noticed how often our expectations are fulfilled? If I think it is going to be boring, it usually is. If I am looking forward to something, it’s usually fun. We conclude that we were right. What we don’t notice very often is how we affected what happened.

If my attitude is positive, I go into whatever it is with a lightness of spirit which changes my body language, my tone of voice, how I greet people, and they tend to respond in kind. Even if no one else is involved, that positive attitude changes my energy levels, my way of thinking about what I’m doing, and helps me to make a good job of it.

Of course, a negative attitude has the opposite effect on my behaviour. If I’m fearful or reluctant or expecting it to be hard, I have a completely different way of behaving, and others will again tend to respond in kind. It is really easy to provoke negative reactions from others – we can all make that argument happen if we want to! Again, even when no-one else is involved, we drag ourselves into the situation, and we will drop things, make mistakes, run out of energy quickly.

What we are underestimating, in both the positive and negative, is our own power. We play a major part in creating the situation in the way we expect. If we realise this, we can make life easier for ourselves by consciously changing our attitude.

We don’t have to pretend to be jolly about something we’re not particularly keen on – that doesn’t work. What we can do is focus on what will make it easier or less boring. We can look for a more useful expectation for ourselves.

For example: I’ll listen to some favourite music while I do this; I’ll remember that the other person would prefer the meeting to go well; I’ll find someone I like to talk to at this party.

There are enough stumbling blocks in life without us creating even more by expecting the worst. Consciously changing our attitude can make life easier for us. This year, let’s do it more often

LET’S BREAK THE SPELL

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2023 seems to have been a year of doom and gloom: cost of living crisis; an incompetent and uncaring government; institutions we depend on like the NHS and education all feeling broken; awful wars; extreme climate events – you name it, we’ve got it – and that’s without all the personal hardships people have faced.

It is really easy to lose any hope we have and think that things will only get worse. Happy New Year sounds ridiculous.

But that lack of hope doesn’t help – in fact it makes things worse. We stop noticing any good things that are happening to us or in the world. We simply confirm our belief that everything has gone to the dogs.

So let’s break the spell in 2024.

I believe that the vast majority of human beings are kind and caring, and want to do their best. Let’s notice evidence for that.

I believe that the increase in exposure of unjust and corrupt behaviour by those in power will lead to people asking for their leaders to behave with integrity and fairness. Let’s look for evidence of that refusal to accept bad behaviour.

I believe that there will be more and more activity to improve the way we treat our earth. Let’s look for evidence that the climate crisis is being taken seriously.

And I believe that if enough of us say: ‘No more! We don’t accept this’, we can change things. Let’s play our part in making this stand.

When people choose to hope rather than despair, there is an increased possibility of not just surviving but thriving. Let’s break the spell and demonstrate by our own behaviour and attitude that things can get better for all of us.

BE HAPPY

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I wanted to write something inspirational to end the year, despite all the problems in the world. Then my friend Rebecca sent me a copy of this speech by Pope Francis from several years ago. I can’t better this!

‘You may have defects, be anxious and sometimes live irritated, but do not forget that your life is the greatest enterprise in the world. Only you can prevent it from going into decline. There are many that need you, admire you and love you.

I would like to remind you that being happy is not having a sky without storms, or roads without accidents, or work without fatigue, or relationships without disappointments.
Being happy is finding strength in forgiveness, hope in one’s battles, security at the stage of fear, love in disagreements.

Being happy is not only to treasure the smile, but also to reflect on the sadness. It is not just commemorating the event, but also learning lessons in failures. It is not just having joy with the applause, but also having joy in anonymity.

Being happy is to recognise that it is worthwhile to live, despite all the challenges, misunderstandings and times of crises. Being happy is not inevitable fate, but a victory for those who can travel towards it with your own being.

Being happy is to stop being a victim of problems but become an actor in history itself. It is not only to cross the deserts outside of ourselves, but still more, to be able to find an oasis in the recesses of our soul. It is to thank God every morning for the miracle of life.

Being happy is not being afraid of one’s feelings. It is to know how to talk about ourselves. It is to bear it with courage when hearing a “no”. It is to have the security to receive criticism, even if it is unfair. It is to kiss the children, pamper the parents, have poetic moments with friends, even if they have hurt us.

Being happy means allowing the free, happy and simple child inside each of us to live; having the maturity to say, “I was wrong”; having the audacity to say, “forgive me”. It is to have sensitivity in expressing, “I need you”; to have the ability of saying, “I love you.”

Thus your life becomes a garden full of opportunities for being happy…

In your spring-time, may you become a lover of joy. In your winter, may you become a friend of wisdom. And when you go wrong along the way, you start all over again. Thus you will be more passionate about life.

And you will find that happiness is not about having a perfect life but about using tears to water tolerance, losses to refine patience, failures to carve serenity, pain to lapidate pleasure, obstacles to open the windows of intelligence.

Never give up …. never give up on the people you love. Never give up on being happy because life is an incredible show.

And you are a special human being!’

Have a peaceful and happy Christmas.

COINCIDENCE OR SYNCHRONICITY?

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The other day, a friend I haven’t spoken to for a while was on my mind when I woke up, so later in the day, I gave him a call. He burst out laughing when he heard my voice and said: ‘I was thinking about you this morning, and was going to call you this evening.’

I find that my life has lots of examples like this of so-called coincidence. We think nowadays that it is purely by chance when there is a coincidence, that it has no particular meaning. Yet the word, in its etymology, was originally used in astrology and means that the planets or stars are in alignment. This was seen as a good omen; it was the right time for something special to happen.

I choose to believe pretty much the same thing: that there is a good reason for a coincidence happening, and it is up to me to follow it through. Whether it be bumping into someone in town that you haven’t seen for years, or wondering if you should visit somewhere, switching on the tv and seeing a documentary about that place, I assume that there is something here for me to follow through.

I can’t prove that this isn’t just a coincidence, but I can enjoy following the thread, and it has led to many lovely things in my life.

We may dismiss things like astrology because we don’t believe it’s factual and want to make our lives follow a logical course. By doing so, we miss out on some of the magic and wonder that being alive can bring. What a shame!

Maybe one day our scientists will prove that coincidences aren’t an accident, but a message to help us on our way. Meantime I will continue to delight in the stars aligning to introduce something different into my life, should I choose to take notice of it.

A SPECIAL PLACE

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Everyone deserves a special place. I am lucky, I have three: being on Maui; my garden; and my comfy chair in my living room. Having been on Maui recently, I was reminded of how important it is to be somewhere that feeds your soul, makes it easier to find calm, feel at home, relax.

When we go to Maui, the effect of the place is a major part of the purpose in visiting, and I sometimes forget that I have that same possibility at home as well.

What do I mean by a special place? Somewhere where you automatically relax and feel safe. Somewhere that helps you to find your centre, find some perspective, forget worries and troubles and busyness for a while. A place to recover yourself.

It is a place that has good associations for you, reminding you of happy times in your life, with a sense of familiarity and comfort. Does this sound grandiose, out of reach much of the time? It needn’t. We can create such a space quite simply.

It can be a corner of our garden where we can see favourite plants, be sheltered by a tree. It can be space in our living room where we can sit and look at things that remind us of good times -photos, books, objects we love – rather than staring at the tv. It can be a particular bench in a local park that has an air of quiet about it, no matter what’s going on.

By choosing to make it our special place, we begin to create the atmosphere of repose around it and this will grow eery time we use it for that purpose.

You may, like me, have a place you visit for holidays that is special to you. But we all deserve a special place in our everyday as well, where we can take a break and recuperate.

DOING NOTHING

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We are taught in our society that doing nothing is a waste of time. And most of us find it hard to just do nothing in a literal sense – we consider it lazy. So we keep busy doing things to give ourselves a sense of achievement in our days.

Yet doing nothing some of the time is essential for our well-being. Doing is focussed outwards. We are working on something with some goal in mind, however trivial that task may be. It pulls us away from ourselves and takes up all our space.

Doing nothing allows us to just be. It lets things come to us, rather than us going out. We can notice sensations, the air on our skin, the beauty around us. It enables our minds to wander, or even sometimes be quiet. It is a place of recuperation, our opportunity to stop trying and pushing.

Doing nothing doesn’t have to be taken literally. We don’t have to sit still and try to do nothing – that tends to make our minds even busier!

It is really about shifting our focus from what we are doing, whether that’s walking or sitting or reading, or even simple tasks. Instead, you allow yourself to be, however you are, and relax into a place where the world comes to you, rather than you going to the world. When you change your focus, you gain energy rather than using it – you take in, instead of giving out.

Doing nothing is a respite from our normal busyness, and we need it for our health. We were not designed to keep going like a machine – we have ebbs and flows, just like the tide.

Never feel guilty about taking some doing nothing time. It is a wise way to spend part of your day.

GOING OUTSIDE

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It’s easy to go outside when we are on holiday. No-one goes somewhere lovely for a break and then stays inside, do they? I’ve been on Maui for a couple of weeks and have spent most of my waking hours outside.

It’s made me realise how important that breath of fresh air, that time in nature is. Being in nature, even in our own garden or a park, is automatically revitalising. And just being outside in the world helps us to regain perspective, taker a few deep breaths.

I don’t mean a quick walk to the local shop with our phone in hand, thinking about what we need to buy, what we have to do. I mean the saunter to the shop, round the block, or even round the garden, when you notice the flowers, shrubs, bird call, clouds in the sky.

It doesn’t need to be a major expedition – just fifteen minutes will help – which is just as well if you live somewhere like England, with our unpredictable weather!

It’s so easy to get caught in a routine of going from home to car to workplace and back again, without really going outside. And in winter it’s tempting to stay in the warm rather than venturing outside.

But I came back from Maui determined to ensure that I do take that step outside, even on the worst of days. It’s too good for my spirits for me to deprive myself of it. Try it and see, if you don’t already.

UNLEARNING IS HARD

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Our minds are designed to learn. In the first place, they are like empty cupboards with lots of space to store things in and they absorb everything. So as small children, we find it easy to place things: language, behaviour, experience.

Along the way we collect lots of useful stuff that comes to have its own place in our mind, and that we can find without any effort. We don’t have to think about how to talk to others, how to act and react in common situations, how to deal with most things that crop up in our everyday life. It all becomes habitual.

Unfortunately, we also collect stuff that’s less than useful, those habits that don’t serve us well. It is relatively easy to identify these as we get older, such things as: procrastinating and thereby putting ourselves under unnecessary pressure; making others wrong to give ourselves an excuse; ignoring problems until they’ve grown like Topsy; under- or over-eating – there are so many not useful habits we can develop!

This is not because we are stupid or careless or bad. When we are young, we aren’t able to discriminate between the useful and less useful stuff. We collect it all and find a place to store it in our mind. And that’s why it’s hard to unlearn. We have to consciously clear out that space of not useful habit and fill it with a more useful one instead.

How do we do that? A bit at a time. We can’t just decide to empty that shelf, because it will refill automatically with the same type of stuff if we leave it empty. We have to begin to replace it with something more useful, until that space is so full of the new habit that it relabels itself and goes on to automatic.

So if you want to change a less than useful habit, you start by deciding on what would work better for you. Then you identify where or when you could easily use the new behaviour or approach instead.

When you come to that identified place where it would be easy to change the habit, take a breath before you launch in, to remind yourself that you want to do something different.

Once you have become used to using the new way in those circumstances, you can extend it to more situations. Gradually it becomes your default behaviour and the shelf gets relabelled.

It’s hard to unlearn, but it’s well worth it. Every small step towards a more useful habit is a step towards an easier and more enjoyable life.

THE POWER OF IMAGINATION

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I read an article recently about a man who gives talks on imagining a bright future, for us and for the world. It was inspiring and made me reflect on the power of our imagination.

Imagination is a gift we all have. From being very young, we create stories in our minds: fairies living at the bottom of our garden; a whole world made of lego; our future lives as an astronaut or an explorer.

Then we are taught to ‘face reality’ and deal with the day-to-day, and we become infected by the often depressing or distressing stories we are fed by the media.

In ancient times, people would sit around the fire in the evening and tell stories about heroes and grand adventures. It was a way of inspiring them to live their lives to the full.

Nowadays we watch the news, documentaries, dramas, about crimes – it doesn’t feed our positive imaginations and depresses our belief in possibilities. Yet our imagination is still there, ready to be used to our advantage.

I’m reminded of when I first came across the concept of visioning – imagining a positive future. I loved the idea and set to, writing a story about the home I would have, the type of work I’d be doing, the friends I would have etc.

I then forgot all about it until three years later when I was moving house. As I was clearing stuff out ready to move, I found the notes I had written. And I was moving into that home I had described and doing work I loved. It wasn’t a 100 per cent match, but a surprising amount of my story had come true.

This imagining the future is not an exercise in wishing: ‘I wish I could be fitter,’ etc. It is about making a leap forward in your imagination to 3,4,5 years’ time: ‘in 2026 I am…, I have…’ It’s about living that future in your imagination.

By painting a picture for yourself of how you want your life to be, you gear up your unconscious to notice opportunities to create it for real. It has to be vivid: see things, hear the sounds, feel the sensations, put in details. It’s fun to do. And to make it more powerful, write it down, revisit it occasionally, read it through again, add more.

Our ability to create our own lives is underestimated. We can all imagine a brighter future if we choose to.

The man in the article is imagining a brighter future for the world and asking people to do the same. We can all do that as well, but let’s start small and imagine a brighter future for ourselves.

SMALL ACTS OF KINDNESS

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One of the many reasons why in-person interactions are important is that they give us the opportunity to give and receive small acts of kindness.

A recent study showed that, across different cultures and age groups, there are frequent moments of kindness, where people offer each other help – and we probably don’t notice it: holding the door open for you; making a cup of tea; reaching down something from a top shelf; giving you directions to somewhere; helping you look for something you’ve lost; even just greeting you pleasantly.

The researchers’ conclusion was that these small acts of kindness are a part of our inherent nature – we are built that way. And it makes sense. Each of those moments releases the ‘happy hormones’ in our body, for both the receiver and the giver, and this helps to keep us healthy and build our immune system. We increase this effect when we notice and say thank you. Gratitude is a bonus that we all appreciate.

If you wonder whether this is real, just spend a day noticing how, in your interactions, you lend a hand to someone else, or they help you. Did they rinse the cup for the second cup of coffee while you put the kettle on? Did they clear the table? Did they pick up something you dropped and give it back to you? Did they slow or speed up their pace to match you? It happens all the time.

Aren’t we lucky!!